A Not-So-Normal Voyager Encounter
By Zenarraus J. Armez
"Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bang bang!" Sang the computers normally mechanical voice, causing everyone to pause what they were doing at their stations to look upwards curiously at the ship around them.
BOOM!
The entire ship shook violently, tossing everyone onboard around like rag dolls. Well all besides the ones smart enough to be seat or on the ground already.
BOOM!
Captain Janeway refused to deviate from her present course of action even though the ship was shaking violently. Her thighs trembled and she felt the tendrils of pleasure running rampant through her systems, pooling deliciously in the pit of her stomach and threatening to erupt violently through… well other areas near her stomach.
BOOM!
"Bridge to the Captain, the computer is singing and conduits are overloading all over the ship, where the frak are you?!" Harry Kim shouted over the combadge above the sound of the ship breaking apart before his beady eyes.
"Damnit Harry you pick the worst times to tell me something is exploding!" Captain Kathryn Janeway reached down and pulled Seven of Nine up from between her legs at the ready room desk, "Report to Astrometrics Seven, we'll finish this later."
The red head leapt over the ready room desk, only stopping long enough to pull the other woman to her in a frenzied kiss. She straightened her tunic and pants as she stepped out on to the bridge followed a moment later by a very disgruntled looking Seven. "Any idea why we are suddenly part of a musical?" Janeway shouted loudly, loudly enough to scare Chakotay into a plankified state.
Chakotay suddenly fell out of his chair as if in slow motion, his body making a dull wooden thunk as he hit the deck. The man didn't get back up nor did his limbs relax, he was reverting to his natural state. A plank of wood.
"Tuvok beam the commander back to his quarters he's never been of any use to us anyways." Janeway snapped snippily.
"Aye captain." Tuvok saluted and pushed a few buttons on his console. Immediately the commander's form was envelope in blue sparkles, but to the bridge crews horror he appeared outside the ship on the view screen floating in space instead of lying in his quarters.
"Tuvok what just happened!?" Janeway shouted while sipping a cup of coffee that had materialized in her hand. "Ugh," She slammed her hand against her combadge, "Neelix you're fired this coffee is horrible."
Sulkily Neelix prepared a large pan of bacon and took off his shirt to cook it, this was his punishment, to cook bacon without a shirt on. All occupants of the mess hall at the moment of his shirt's removal began convulsing in disgust, those lucky enough to flee the room before the funkily colored shirt was removed hailed the Doctor and told him the mess hall was inundated with casualties.
Back on the bridge Harry Kim was curled up in the commanders chair sobbing loudly every time the ship rocked from another random explosion, he flew out of the chair and clung to Janeway's leg, "Mommy!"
"How many times have I told you Ensign, don't call me mommy on the bridge!" Janeway then kicked the man in the face with her black leather boot.
Turning to sit down in the captain's chair she pulled on her black leather gloves, "Prepare to fire on those ships Tuvok, leave no survivors!"
"Engineering to the bridge!" B'Elanna Torres' voice shouted over the com.
"Yes what is it Lieutenant?" Janeway asked distractedly while slicking back her hair to make it look more Evil Janeway-ish.
"I think I know why the ship is singing captain!" B'Elanna said triumphantly, the sound of the engineering crew cheering could be heard in the background.
"And why is that, oh wise and powerful half-Klingon chief of engineering?" Janeway asked testily, stroking the beard on her chin.
"Because the…" But the com was cut short when the sound of Mexican salsa singers could be heard with the feminine monotone of the ships computer, "La cucaracha!" sang the normally stoic voice.
Suddenly two Kazon vessels appeared on the view screen, each one decorated with streamers and other party assortments.
"Hail them!" Janeway commanded… well whoever was in charge of that since Harry was still suffering from his foot-in-mouth problem.
"They are responding!" Bugs Bunny chittered, Janeway couldn't help but notice he looked fetching in a yellow uniform.
"On screen!" Shouted Seven of Nine from her position on the captain's lap fondling her breasts through the uniform tunic.
"Evening." Came the ominous heavy breathing voice from the black clad man on the view screen, "I'm here as a representative of the empire, our demands are that you turn over your vessel and join us on the dark side." He paused to rub his helmeted head and looked down at Tom, "Tommy? It's me, I'm your father!"
"Nooooooo!" Tom Paris suddenly shouted, unsheathing a blue light saber that had been hanging on his hip, in a flash he leapt up and at the view screen. His form went straight through and could be seen aboard the Kazon vessel fighting light saber to light saber with the sith lord.
"Seven to the left, no take it back, one hop this time! Hang it to the left woman!" Janeway sighed with exasperation when her lover continued to hang the large nude portrait of Worf unevenly over the view screen.
"B'Elanna to Big Boobs of Borg!" Came B'Elanna's voice over the com system for Seven.
"Big boobs here, how may I assist you pissy Klingon?" Seven asked calmly.
B'Elanna growled, "You can assist me by giving me back the caffeinated coffee addict!"
Seven frowned when Janeway came up and began massaging her buttocks from behind, "I'm afraid I cannot help you pissy Klingon, big boobs out."
Down in engineering a massacre was happening and the Doctor didn't have time to tend to the dead bodies since he was still busy trying to save the mentally wounded in the Mess Hall, what a day. The engineering crew would just have to flee from their murderous chief engineering until some type of medical personnel was able to get down to deck 11 and save them all from death.
"Chakotay to the captain…" Chakotay's wooden voice came over the bridge's com system.
"The captain is currently shagging the warp core." Tuvok's monotone voice replied evenly, "How may I assist you commander?"
"The people down in the hydroponics bay won't give me more soil for my pot/bed and I have yet to be watered today, where is my fuzzy bumpkin Neelix?"
Tuvok raised one large hairy eyebrow, how had the commander gotten back into his quarters after having been beamed out into space? The Vulcan tapped his combadge, "Computer signal an intruder alert. It is time to grease the Chakotay and set up the hunt."
"I'll grease the commander up for the chase!" Neelix supplied a bit too excitedly.
To Chakotay's horror he was dipped in a vat of bacon grease then thrown in front of a group of about thirty ensigns all of which were armed with phasers, he hated this game. As a last defense he tensed up into a plank and tried to hide himself against the deck, this disappointed all the ensigns greatly so they shot him repeatedly until he set fire, then proceeded to roast marshmallows over his corpse.
"Caffeinated coffee addict to newly promoted commander point ears!" Janeway's voice interrupted Tuvok from poking Harry Kim with Klingon pain sticks, an illogical act but all together a very fulfilling one.
"Pointy ears here, do you require my assistance captain?" Tuvok asked slowly while poking Harry in the butt with the pain stick once more, watching in a non-happy but happy way when the ensign began foaming at the mouth.
"I need more strawberries, scan for the nearest M-class planet that has them, for your sake I hope you find one! Janeway out!"
Janeway turned back to the task at hand, painting was something she loathed since she thought she was horrible, but if it was an excuse to see Seven nude she would gladly take it. "Seven spread your legs a bit more darling, I can barely see.. ah there we go, like that."
"I find this an unproductive means of foreplay. Observation is irrelevant. Strip and join me on the deck." Seven commanded, ripping the two watermelons off her breasts and throwing them to the ground, artistic inspiration be damned. "Resistance to my breasts is futile." She monotoned while gripping Janeway by the front of her tunic and crashing their lips together in a passionate kiss.
Janeway soon realized resistance was always futile when it came to Seven's boobs.
Down on deck 15 the sound of screams could be heard. The missing (until now) Borg baby had finally been found by a group of young crewmen preparing to have an orgy. The infant was now a small child, innocent enough until it shrieked and began devouring the helpless crewmen.
"Can't you see I'm concentrating!?" Q shouted from his position near the half eaten carcasses, he snapped his fingers and re-appeared in Tom Paris' quarters where the ensign was sodomizing with a poor unfortunate potato.
"By the gods!" Zeus shouted in shock, grabbing Q by his nose hairs and whisking them both away to Neverland.
"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Tuvok!" Janeway cried in a frightened tone, petting the Vulcan man's short fuzzy head, Tuvok raised his upper lip and made a gurgling noise.
A bubble of light floated towards the Captain and her Vulcan, Seven of Nine appeared before them in a black dress, a broom stick nuzzled between her legs as she sat astride the house hold cleaning device. "I'll get you my pretty, you and your tactical officer too!"
Janeway swooned and fell backwards into B'Elanna Torres' lap.
"How the hell did I get on the bridge!?" The confused and blood covered engineer asked, throwing Janeway to the ground unceremoniously.
"That's what I want to know!" Harry Kim's voice sounded from the Ops station but he was nowhere in sight, B'Elanna walked over to the station only to see a fuzzy black hamster jogging madly over the console controls.
The black hamster froze and looked up at B'Elanna who had just morphed into a Peregrine Flacon, the volatile bird lifted its wings threateningly and squawked at the now trembling Hamster Kim.
"Ensign Kim!" Barked (literally) a wolf with four gold command pips, "Move those stubby legs and beam that load of tampons onto the Kazon ships!"
"Captain I must advise against such an action… they make good stoppers for nosebleeds." A white owl said with a raise of one bushy looking eyebrow, Tuvok's voice apparent.
"Duly noted Mr. Hooters." Captain Woofums growled seriously.
"Lynx of Nine to the Captain Woofums."
Woofums tail slapped the badge on her side, "Captain here what is it Lynx?"
"Rabbit Paris is shagging the hedgehogs again, should I alert the camera men?"
Woofums licked her tongue over her nose in thought, "No, instead alert the Doctor, Peregrine Torres just flew into the turbo lift, I suspect she'll be there to rip him apart momentarily."
"Very well, Lynx out."
"Where is that chew toy of a rat?!" Woofums barked angrily, "Chakotay you sewer filth show yourself!"
"But I'm right here captain." Sounded Chakotay's voice, the captain looked around but didn't see any sign of a rat, only a short plank with a badly drawn face. But then she saw the tattoo and it all became clear.
"You really are a plank of wood!"
Suddenly all the senior staff were on the bridge, and thank god they were all human again… well besides Chakotay, human or not he had the ability to plank-up on them at any moment.
"Captain I'm reading unusual energy fluctuations coming from decks 14,15 and… 16?" Harry concluded in puzzlement as Neelix poured bacon grease on himself.
"Nonsense you twit we only have 15 decks!" Torres shouted angrily her head spinning all the way backwards to glare at him while her body faced the other way.
"Just like I bet you're going to tell me you can't spin your head all the way around!" Tom accused sadly.
"I can't!" B'Elanna insisted, spinning her head all the way around to glare at him as well.
"Enough!" Janeway shouted, she lifted the cigarette away from her lips and blew out a puff of smoke, "We need to remain calm, level headed and keep up appearances lest the crew think something is wrong and we are forced to resort to cannibalism!"
"I'm not eating Neelix!" B'Elanna shouted in alarm and disgust. Neelix didn't appear to be insulted or to even care, he was to busy showering himself in different kinds of grease.
"Captain I think I may have an explanation." Tuvok said slowly, looking up from his console, "We have… approximately twenty minutes until the maker of this scenario is going to eat a peanut butter and honey sandwich, when that time comes we could devise a plan of attack."
"Good idea Tuvok, twenty minutes doesn't seem so long, we can do this!" Janeway pumped her fist enthusiastically, "They can't possibly destroy the ship in twenty minutes!"
The victory of their discovery was short lived however when Janeway's hair suddenly morphed into a bun that was large enough to fill the entire bridge with her flowing red locks.
"I have Neelix in my hair, someone get it out!" Janeway cried in horror when she could see the furry man drying the grease off himself with the hair that encompassed him.
"I can't move, these locks are too powerful!" Tom squeaked, slowly his face vanished and the hair completely enveloped him.
"Toooooooooooommm!!!" Captain Kirk shouted before he too was taken over by Janeway's seemingly sentient bun.
"Damn you Suave! You said that shampoo could control it, you bastards lied to me!" Janeway slammed her fist down on what used to be her command chair but was now a hairy fluff ball.
There was a buzzing noise by Janeway's ear and Seven of Nine appeared unharmed and unhaired, her Borg appendage had morphed into a machete to cut through the jungle of unruly hair but that didn't explain the old style jungle explorers outfit she now wore. "Captain, I have brought hairspray."
Janeway took the offered bottle and read the back of it, "Ultra awesome hair tamer in a bottle. One use only, talks to much, kill after opening…?"
Shrugging she sprayed the bottle onto the mass of hair beside her and out popped a muscular man with a whip, "Back, back you beast! I am your master now!" He leapt at the hair and disappeared into its depths. A moment later the bridge was free of hair and Janeway was looking decidedly preened.
"I am the god of hair care products, I am the overlord of bad hair days, I am the master of split ends! I-!" He didn't have a chance to finish because Seven lopped his head off with her machete arm.
"The directions said so." She supplied as an explanation to everyone's shocked silence.
"Damnit Kathryn I love you!" Chakotay blurted randomly. As if stating this in front of Seven wasn't a colossal enough error the commander took it a step more by kneeling before red head, "Will you marry me!?"
Seven backhanded the piece of wood so hard she got splinters, "Desist this line of questioning!"
Chakotay turned into a plank and wasn't able to even offer resistance when she picked him up and shoved him into a duffle bag, hauling it over her shoulder she stalked into the turbo lift followed by the Borg children and the (until earlier) missing Borg baby.
"Captain, I will return momentarily." Seven said angrily, poking a pitchfork through the duffle bag and holding it steady as the bag slowly slipped down until it reached the end of the three prongs, all of which were now covered in blood.
"I'll have dinner on by the time you get back!" Janeway called happily, as soon as the lift doors shut she turned to the bacon greased Neelix in a panic, "Quick make me a fantastic dinner for two and if you screw it up I'll have your whiskers removed!"
Sensing the urgency of this mission Neelix sprouted wings, became transparent and floated down through the deck towards Hell's Kitchen.
"Commander I bid you a long awaited good bye." Seven said coldly, throwing Chakotay into the room made specifically for decompressing the air in order to step out onto the ship for hull repairs. She pressed a button on the control panel and watch in satisfaction as the former commander was launched out into space, but it did not have the desired effect.
Instead of turning blue the plank just floated there, apparently becoming a plank meant he didn't have to breath.
"Man overboard!" Sounded over the ships com and she was forced to watch in anger as Chakotay was beamed back onto the ship.
"How he managed to survive escapes me!" Janeway hissed when the Doctor poked another needle into her forehead, "Ow! Are you sure this will work?"
"I know no better way to relieve a headache other then to provide the body with another pain to focus on." The Doctor supplied, gleefully sticking another needle into her.
Just then the ready room doors opened and Tuvok came in with a pile of padds, "Captain by my calculations the twenty minutes is nearly up, we must devise a plan of attack quickly."
"You'll have to kill me first!" Janeway shouted, lifting her saber threateningly, the eye patch over her eye moving upwards with her perverse grin.
"My needles!" The Doctor cried brokenly, the needles had just flown out of her head and into the walls. He whipped out a tricorder and scanned them for life signs, he nearly fell to the ground crying when he saw none.
"Get up you sissy!" The captain shouted, kicking his photonic posterior to no avail, her foot going straight through, "We have enemies afoot and I plan to take all their treasure by force!"
Captain Janeway once again leapt over her ready room desk, leaving a confused (though he would never admit it) Tuvok and a broken Doctor crying over his lifeless needles.
On the bridge Chakotay sat in his chair, but instead of just having a wooden leg he was enveloped in wood completely, yet somehow still able to move.
"Report!" Janeway demanded of her crew, they knew best to obey lest they walk the Chakotay and be forced to drown in space… if that was possible.
"Three English ships, the cannons already visible, I count seven on each side!" Harry reported.
"Seven…" Janeway remembered, "Where is she anyways?"
"Right here Captain." Seven announced, dressed only in a large white T-shirt and tight fawn colored pants.
"Seven I'm very distracted by you… go stand in the corner." Janeway commanded the other woman almost gruffly. Seven poutily obeyed, now that Janeway wasn't distracted by her Astrometrics officer's voluptuous form she could focus on the English baboons, or was it dragoons? Oh well, they were going to die so it didn't matter what she called them.
"Fire starboard cannons, leave no survivors!"
"But Captain they aren't coming up on the starboard side!" Tom shouted in a panic, lifting up his eye patch and turning to face her in confusion.
"I don't care, I've just always wanted to say that!" Janeway shouted right back at him, "Now. Fire starboard cannons!"
"Aye captain." Tuvok did as was told and the crew watched as the cannons drifted through space having not hit anything, they looked rather like marbles compared to the vastness of space.
"That felt good…" Janeway said with a satisfactory smile. "Now," She began a bit more seriously, "Hard to port lets ram them! Evacuate the whole ship, I'm not leaving but I demand a final request!"
The crew fled to the escape hatches and so did all the senior staff except for Seven of Nine and Janeway.
"Seven go, that's an order, I'm going to kill these English sea dogs even if it kills me!"
"I refuse to leave you!" Seven said dramatically, putting one hand to her forehead as if she were fainting, the gesture forcing her breast to jut out deliciously.
"Well okay… but only long enough to fulfill my final request and to answer me one question…" Janeway said, slowly licking her lips, her eyes drawn magnetically to Seven's chest.
"And what would that question be?" Seven asked with a glint in her eyes.
"…. Do I make you horny baby?" Janeway said with a mischievous grin as she pounced on the other woman and began to rip off her clothing, "I think you already know what my final request is." She husked into the other woman's ear before finding Seven's lips in a heated kiss.
"Ship will self destruct in, ten…"
Neither woman acknowledged the computers voice as they were too busy devouring each other's lips. Janeway raked her hand down Seven's body possessively, grabbing up a handful of the other woman's breast…
"Nine…"
Seven gasped and tossed back her head, she reached around and stroked Janeway's naked back, not really caring how Janeway had gotten to be naked only that she was indeed bare. Janeway trailed hot kisses and nips down the former drone's body, reaching her hand down to stroke at Seven's thigh teasingly.
"Eight…"
"Seven!" Janeway gasped when she felt just how wet the other woman was. She let her fingers play in Seven's essence for a moment before allowing Seven the sweet release she so wanted. Janeway plunged two fingers straight into Seven's tight channel and licked her way back up to Seven's pert nipples.
"Six…"
"Oh god!" Seven moaned incoherently at the delicious assault her body was undergoing…
"Five…"
Seven's body stiffened when Janeway thumb grazed over her clit, once, twice, she lost count as their bodies pounded together. Finally she felt the sweet wave of ecstasy crash over her and she succumbed to it willingly. "Oooh Kathryn!"
"Four…"
Janeway closed her own eyes and her body convulsed as she too climaxed, just touching the other woman could drive her wild.
"Three…"
Janeway kissed each breast lovingly before returning to Seven's lips, "I love you my beloved busty wench."
"Two…"
"And I you, my pirate queen." Seven said while brushing a strand of hair out of her captain's eyes.
"One... Have a nice day." The computer said politely before the entire ship blew into a thousand pieces.
"Seven!" Janeway launched upright in bed, nearly falling over the edge with the quick movement.
Beside her Seven came awake slowly, she sat up in bed not even caring that her breasts were left bare when the sheet pooled down at her waist, "Are you alright Kathryn?"
Janeway looked around the familiar setting of her bedroom on Voyager and then down at her sleepy lover. Taking a few deep breaths she leaned over to kiss Seven slowly on the lips, just to make sure it was all real.
"Nothing darling go back to sleep." Kathryn whispered while guiding her unresisting lover back down onto the bed, laying almost on top of her with a sigh.
'That is the last time I eat Neelix's 'Soup A' Surprise' before bed, god that was weird dream…'
Outside the ship floating peacefully in space was a little wooden plank with a badly drawn face and an all too familiar tattoo… little did poor Janeway know that this moment of peace was simply the scenario's creator stepping out to get that peanut butter and honey sandwich Tuvok had mentioned earlier.
Oh what fun will ensue once they get back, I wonder?
The End?
Author's Note
This is oddly enough what I do in order to get in the mood for writing, I almost didn't want to post it at all but hey I made it end finally so might as well let you all read it! You can insult me, call me crazy and even bring my parenting skills into question because I wrote this story… just don't call me insane because the voices in my mind don't like that.