Title: The deepest pain in my soul

Author: Tuliharja

Summary: Fai's poetic thoughts, about that how he truly feels inside of himself. Setting goes up to Nihon country. One-shot.

Disclaimer: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle belongs to CLAMP. I'm just writing fan fiction about it.

Author's note: At times we all feel like crap, yet we pretend and just smile even in reality we would want just scream and cry.

The deepest pain in my soul

Behind this perfect smile I hide. Now I can't anymore.

I'm a broken doll.

Oh, shut up. I don't want to listen to you anymore.

My soul is wounded. So, I cry quietly.

I can't cry, I can't cry, I can't. Because I'm such a naughty child. I'm an evil person.

Why can't I stop crying?

My soul is wounded.

So, I hide behind this smile.

This mask is already broken. My soul is in pain.

I want to cry, I want to shout.

I want to slit my wrists and feel something.

I've become numb.

September goes, schools have begun. But I stand. I'm still standing.

I've become numb.

This mask is broken, broken. Why can't you see me? My tears?

I don't want sympathy, yet still I search for warmth. Like a lost child.

I'm already an adult, so I should already be a perfect player.

Why can't I stop? Why can't I stop this pain?

I want to hurt myself. I want to cry. I want to scream.

At the top of my lungs.

I didn't like life.

December goes; it's cold and winter. The summer went. My winter remains.

Oh, shut up. Stay still and listen to me. This time.

I'm a broken doll that can no longer dance.

Nobody cares when you come to this point eventually.

You look behind you, but you can't forget the past.

I want to look into the future, but I can't, I can't.

My soul is wounded.

So please, let me cry.

I'm a broken doll.

My eyes hurt from crying.

This empty, cold feeling doesn't go away.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Just sleep, oh sleep.

I want to go and throw myself in, feel the emptiness.

Darkness.

Where did those laughing children go? Those happy days?

Now I'll turn my head to you. And are you looking at me?

Did you forget me? Did I disgust you?

Oh why, why? I must be so disgusting.

Can't you just forget about me like the others?

Nobody sees me, nobody will care about me.

It is a lie and I'm the biggest liar.

But I don't care. I pretend that I'm unbreakable.

Nobody cares, so why should I?

I've become too numb. I want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and shout, "I'm alive!"

But I cannot, I'm a liar. Such a great liar.

I dance, I step out, I smile.

Take this pain away.

Oh please! Take this pain away, before I laugh hysterically, and I only want this blackness.

It's a frozen summer.

I can't feel anymore anything.

No warmth, no happiness.

Where did all the butterflies go, the laughing children?

Why can't I heal myself?

I thought I didn't need anyone, but it feels so bad.

I never needed anybody, however, I need.

I have one, but it's not all good. Everybody just tells the lies and look at me with a smile.

Oh, why can't you be quiet?

Stop telling me what to do and how to behave.

I'm a broken doll.

I don't want to get up anymore and see tomorrow.

I want to cry.

I'm melancholic, I'm a depressive person who doesn't understand that I already have someone who smiles at me when I'm sad.

But I can't, I can't cry.

I'm looking for warmth, my parents behaved so coldly. I'm a player, so I smile and lie.

But this mask is already broken.

Will I become a monster?

I want to dance, I want to dance and end this all.

Please forgive me.

I'll always care about you. And…love. You'll always be close to my heart.

Even If I never say it enough. Even if I never show it well.

But I care for you.

You know how to get me to smile. You know the deepest me.

So, I thank you. I thank you because you've been here with me.

You're my friend.

"It's payback time, Kuro-sama."

"I'll beat you for this, you bastard."