Warning: I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Well I saw this e-mail on stupid warnings and I came up with this stupidity. Warning, it's stupid. But then you already know that don't you?
Warning: Idiots Among Us
"Well another day another section of my life wasted," Wanda sighed as she walked downstairs to see the boys gathered around the television scarfing down snack foods. "I swear I almost wish I was in school so I wouldn't see your brain cells deteriorate all over the floor."
"The key word Sis is almost," Pietro said. "And we're watching the Discovery Channel. John Cleese is doing a special on lemurs! It's educational!"
"That's right!" Todd told her. "We've all made a decision to make something of ourselves and spend at least an hour of our day learning something new. Or have an intelligent conversation."
"Hey guys have you ever really looked at the bottom of a coke can?" Fred remarked as he did so. "I mean really looked at it?"
"Well so much for the second option," Pietro snickered.
"No I'm serious," Fred showed him. "Look what it says on the bottom."
"Do not open here," Pietro read. "Oh that's handy to know!"
"Who would put a stupid message like that?" Fred scratched his head. "I mean the opening is at the top! Who'd try to drink out of the bottom?"
"Yeah even you're not that dumb," Pyro chuckled as he held a candy bar. "Hey listen to this. Win a thousand candy bars, no purchase necessary. See details inside. How else are we gonna read it without buying it? Unless one of us develops X-Ray vision."
"Or steals the wrapper and leaves the candy bar behind," Todd shrugged.
"Of course our specialty is the other way around," Lance smirked. "Hey check out this commercial!"
On screen was a commercial for cough syrup. The announcer said. "Happy Time Children's Cough Syrup. For when you really care about your children. Warning: Medicine may cause drowsiness, do not drive or operate heavy machinery."
"Okay I know kids want the legal age to drive lowered but this is ridiculous," Pyro blinked.
"Well actually back home I did make the mistake of doing that while I was seven," Fred told him. "It was during haymaking time and it was my turn on the tractor. Unfortunately I had a bit of a sniffle at the time and…"
"Okay we get the message!" Wanda interrupted him. "You know I never realized how stupid some of these labels are. I mean look at this Lunchables Nachos label. It says to dip in cheese and salsa."
"Really?" Pyro asked. "I always dip mine in marshmallow topping. I ought to try that sometime."
"You know how microwave popcorn you have to unwrap it from the plastic to read the directions in order to cook it?" Fred asked. "You know what the number one direction is? To remove the plastic!"
"Here's another commercial," Lance pointed out.
"Ulcertron 39," The announcer said. "The best medicine there is for heartburn. Warning: side effects may cause vomiting, ulcers, internal bleeding, heart attacks, convulsions and slight cases of death."
"I swear I think Father's onto something when he says mutants are superior," Pietro remarked. "Why take something that's gonna kill you in the long run? Who could be that stupid? Like beer and cigarettes! Stupid inventions for stupid humans. Thank goodness mutants are smarter than that and will live longer healthier lives!"
"What kind of cheese whiz do you want on your hot dog Pietro?" Fred asked as he got up. "American, Cheddar or Salsa?"
"All three!" Pietro called out to him. "Hey! Do what you did last time and deep fry those suckers! That was great!"
"Will do," Fred nodded as he went into the kitchen.
"Clorox Fresh Care," Another commercial was playing. "For cleaning out those nasty odors in fabric. Safe to use in households with pets. Warning, fresh care is not intended to be sprayed directly on pets."
"You know I never noticed how many stupid labels there are," Todd remarked. "Why is that?"
"Because the companies want to keep the lawyers from taking all their money," Lance told him.
"Woolite Carpet cleaner," Another commercial played. "Safe for carpets too!"
"Hey you know what it says on the back of this drink box label?" Todd looked at it. "Do not peel label off."
"And yet you do it anyway," Pietro said.
"Hey I'm a rebel," Todd told him. "Sue me."
"Dentures Ahoy!" Yet another commercial proclaimed. "Better than any other in lab tests and cleans better too!" Underneath in small letters it said: Lab tests Dentures Ahoy vs. water. Dentures Ahoy was better verses using no adhesive at all.
"Look at this package of nails," Lance found one lying around the side. "It says: Warning! Do not swallow this! May cause irritation."
"Funny it doesn't warn people about the irritation you get from reading labels," Wanda said. "I saw this on a box for a blow dryer, 'Do Not Blow Dry While Asleep'."
"Yeah they got the dumbest labels for things," Pyro said. "Take this lighter fluid." He showed them. "Warning, contents flammable! Well duh! Why do you think I bought twenty cases of them in the first place?"
"Twenty cases?" Lance asked. "Why would you buy…Never mind. Some questions are best left unanswered!"
"Yeah and on the five cases of Sterno I got it says 'Do not use near flame'!" Pyro snickered. "Can you believe that? And on these boxes of firecrackers I got it says: Caution may explode!"
"Pyro where are you getting all this stuff?" Pietro asked.
"More importantly where are you storing it?" Lance asked. "That's what I really want to know!"
"In a safe place," Pyro told him.
"Safe for who?" Lance asked.
"One Hundred pure all natural fresh squeezed orange juice from concentrate," Another commercial intoned. "It's the good stuff!"
"You know I also read this one of those curling irons the warning not to insert it into any body orifice," Pietro thought. "What kind of sick pervert would think of doing anything else with it?"
"Don't you have a curling iron Pietro?" Todd asked, eyeing him warily.
"Toad!" Pietro snapped.
"Hey I wonder how many other dumb labels we can find?" Pyro asked.
"Let's find out!" Todd hopped off. "Let's check Pietro's bathroom closet! He must have a gazillion beauty products in there!"
"STAY AWAY FROM MY KIWI MUD MASK!" Pietro shouted. "AND DON'T TRY TO EAT IT!"
As the boys ran upstairs the doorbell rang. "I wonder who that could be?" Wanda asked as she went to answer it. "Please let it be someone with a large shotgun." She opened the door to find Mystique there. "Oh well close enough."
"Hello Wanda," Mystique said. "I'd ask how you are but I've lived with the boys long enough to know better. Where are they?"
"Fred's in the kitchen deep frying hot dogs and the rest of them are upstairs in the bathroom looking at labels," Wanda told her.
"You mean they're actually reading something other than magazines with pictures of women draped over trucks?" Mystique blinked. "This I have to see."
They went upstairs where the boys were reading labels. "Look at this bathtub cleaner," Lance said. "For best results start with clean bathtub before use!"
"Here's one for hand lotion," Pietro said. "Warning, starts healing on skin contact. Band aids, for serious injuries seek medical attention."
"Look at this warning. It's on the bottom of this package of light bulbs," Pyro said. "Do not shake, turn upside down or throw around. I saw the same label once on the bottom of a case of glass ornaments."
"And this one for Lysol, do not spray into face," Todd snickered.
"You should spray it in your mouth in the hopes of freshening your breath," Mystique told him as she walked in.
"AAAAAH!" The boys screamed and leapt up.
"You clods are so easy to scare it's pathetic," Wanda shook her head.
"Relax. I'm only here to check up on you goons, make up some kind of report then take off for some serious me time!" Mystique told them. "There's a masseuse leaving at 3 o'clock and I want to be under him."
"You're not moving in, what a relief," Todd breathed out.
"The feeling is mutual Toad! Okay the house is still standing. That's a good sign," Mystique said. "And you're doing something…well productive isn't exactly the word for it but it's not destructive so I guess it's acceptable."
"We were just reading all these stupid labels people put on things and laughing at them," Pietro told her. "You know like on lawnmowers they have this label that says: Warning when the motor is running the blade is turning? Or on car ads which advertise not to drive the car underwater and only on roads?"
"Or on strollers that say to remove child before folding," Pyro piped up. "Or in Laundromats where they have these huge signs that say don't put people in the washers?"
"You still did it to me anyway!" Todd snapped.
"Well you forgot to take your bath that month," Pietro told him. "Or golf carts that have signs not for highway use."
"You did that too!" Todd said.
"Yeah but we souped up the engine so it would go real fast," Lance told him. "Doesn't count."
"So that's what caused the fire at the golf course last week," Wanda remarked. "I should have known it was you."
"And I should have known not to come back here!" Mystique groaned. "Why did I return to Magneto? There's not enough money in the world worth this!"
BOOOM!
The house shook. "Pyro…" Lance winced. "Please tell me you didn't store all those explosives in the kitchen."
"Not all of them…" Pyro gulped as they ran downstairs.
Fred walked out looking slightly charred holding some salt. "Lunch will be a little late," He said. "Hi Mystique. Say could you tell Magneto that we kinda need a new stove? And a new cabinet…and a new refrigerator…and a new sink…and maybe part of a new roof?"
"Is there anything left in the kitchen?" Mystique winced imagining the hissy fit Magneto was going to have.
"I saved the salt. Hey look what it says," Fred remarked. "Warning, high in sodium? Isn't that funny?"
"Somebody should put a warning label on teenagers," Mystique groaned. "Warning: Hazardous to your sanity."