Mulder's Diary – Kitsunegari
I don't know how long has it been since I last wrote in a diary. But after today's ordeal, I've just got all these feelings bottled up inside me, and I have to let it out somehow.
If I really lost Scully…
When Linda Bowman made me think that she had somehow pushed Scully to shoot herself, I think my heart has stopped beating. It was as if the bullet wasn't aimed at Scully's temple, but directly at my heart. For a moment, and it felt like the longest moment of my life, I thought I've lost her.
I've come very close to losing her several times over the past five years. But never have I seen it play out right in front of me, and never have I felt the blow to my heart as directly. She was taken away from me before, to be experimented on by the government. For three months, my life was an empty, meaningless existence. Then, I almost lost her to cancer. Never in my life have I felt so helpless, as I stood watch while her life was slipping away bit my bit. But today, I actually saw it happen right in front of my eyes. I know now that it was all in my head, and Scully is in fact alive and well. But, at that moment, when I was made to believe that Linda has "pushed" Scully to shoot herself, when I watched her pull the trigger at her own temple, I simply could not think, and I could not breathe. And when Linda made me see Scully come towards me looking like it was her, gun drawn and all, I've almost lost it. I would have killed her right then and there, for I saw nothing but red in that moment. I was ready to pull the trigger, to exact my revenge, to make perhaps the biggest mistake of my whole entire life. Thank God Scully shot Linda first. But if she didn't…Scully would be correct that I would never forgive myself. When I finally realized that Scully was alive, and it was her who shot Linda Bowman, my instinct was to pull her into my arms and never, ever let go again. Although in reality, all I did was stand there and watch Scully take that woman's pulse and dialled 911.
It has been several hours since I left the crime scene where Linda Bowman's lifeless body lay. Her last words still seemed to be echoing in my ears. And she'd be right in that I can't hold her, either in life or in death. And god knows whenever I close my eyes, I can still see the image of Scully lying there on the floor, gunshot wound to her temple, and blood pooling around her body. I'd lay awake on my sofa and stare at the ceiling as that horrible scene replay itself over and over again in my brain. And that's when it really hit me – I love her.
Five years ago, I would have said to anyone that I didn't need a partner. Now, I cannot imagine ever pursuing the x-files without Scully by my side. She's my partner, my friend, my conscience, and my constant. If she was lost to me, God knows if I could still find the strength to continue my quest for the truth anymore. Without her, I don't know if I can still go on. I don't even know when she has become such an integral part of my life, or that if I'd ever tell her how I feel about her. God knows I'll never risk the partnership, the friendship, the…connection we have together. No, I simply can't lose her, whether it is physically or emotionally. And I'll be damned if I'd ever let anyone use what I feel for Scully against us. So, dear diary, this is going to be a little secret between you and me.
I love you, Scully…