How is it that you always do this to me? How is that I can't stop thinking about you because if I do, I'm scared I'll forget…? I love it, but, this isn't me. I'm strong. I can't… love.
Because that's what it is. I don't know what to do. Every day I spent with you, saying all that… stuff. That was just me, defending myself. I'm losing myself, I'm losing me. I'm not this person. You've changed me into someone else, not me. And I hate you for it. James Potter - I hate you for it. I hate you for making me love you. If you'd backed away, If you'd stopped loving me, then I wouldn't be feeling like this. So Broken, so weak and worn.
It's not fair. How can one person mean so much to one person. Heck - you've driven me mad. I know, If I ever give this to you, you'll have that triumphant grin, you'll be feeling so wonderful… and knowing that…
I hurt.
Because I don't want you to smile. I want you to hurt. Just as much as I'm hurting James Potter. I want you to feel like me, what sort of life I lead. It's a long road, and I want you to tread in my path. I'm not a loving person. And If I ever do - I want a Hero. Someone who can help me survive, strengthen me in steel so no-one can hurt me, not smile at me. Not love me. No-one needs that. You're a fool if you think any of that helps.
Because it doesn't.
No one can make me feel like you can make me feel. And It feels strange, like I finally seen the truth that has been covered up with so many lies. It's like standing above a cliff, without seeing the ground. And I can't take feeling so weak.
So I have to say goodbye. Thank you for your effort. Thank you for your smiles. Thank you for your love, but I send them back to you. But I want you to remember James Potter, I want you to always remember this…
I hate you.
But I love you.