Rose had been awake for some time now, but she didn't dare to move, if she moved John would wake up and then she'd have to stop pretending.
She always did this when she woke up first and she knew it was wrong and not fair to John but she couldn't help herself. She would simply stare at him and imagine he was really the Doctor.
John looked like the Doctor but he was John, and John had been everything a girl could ever want in a partner, in truth he was a wonderful man but that was the problem he was a man not a Time Lord. Although Rose thought that she loved John she knew that she loved the Doctor.
Eventually the stiffness in her legs forced her to move and as she did she noticed John's breathing change, he was waking up.
She watched him as he gradually threw off the layers of sleep and opened his eyes; he blinked, focused on her and smiled that charming boyish smile,
"Good morning beautiful, shall I make us some tea?"
Rose nodded and watched again as he slipped from under the duvet, put on his robe and padded downstairs to the kitchen.
Now that he was gone she sighed, why was it so hard to love him? He was as perfect a man as you could ever wish for, he worked hard, he played hard and he couldn't wait for their baby to arrive. He always went with her for her check ups and had been so excited to see the scan that he'd wept.
Rose could hear him in the kitchen clattering around; opening cupboards and she knew that he'd be back very soon. She rolled onto her back and felt the swell of her stomach, she had about 12 weeks to go all being well, but she felt fat and unattractive.
Perversely John seemed to hold her in higher regard with each passing day. There was hardly anything left for her to do because John did it all and that was driving her crazy, it was what they argued over the most.
She could hear him on the stairs and she rolled over to greet him.
"Mmmm lovely, thank you" she murmured as she took her mug from him and sipped her tea.
"How are my two favourite people?" John asked
"We're fine, a bit bored I might clean out those cupboards today when you're at work"
" Rose I don't think you should, I'll do it tonight when I get home"
"Why? I'm pregnant not sick"
He stroked her stomach,
"Because being pregnant is a full time job and that is all you should be doing right now"
"But I'm sick of being pregnant!"
John pulled his hand away as if he'd been scalded, he was hurt, it had been his idea to try for a baby, he knew that Rose still thought of the Doctor and he had hoped that this would force her to focus on them and what they had rather than on what she'd lost.
He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice but he'd never been very good at doing that.
"I'll see you later" he said, "I'll be late if I don't go now". He was gone before she could even begin to say sorry.
Slowly Rose got up and dressed, she knew that she loved and wanted this baby and she knew that it was not John's fault that he was not the Doctor. She also knew that if this baby was not going to grow up surrounded by tension that she needed to work out her feelings and make a decision about John before he or she was born.
She did love him, very much in fact but she didn't feel as if she was IN love with him.
The problem was that she didn't have the first clue about how to change that.
She had been seeing a therapist for some time, but all he kept saying was that John is here the Doctor isn't. That didn't help in fact in some respects it made it worse because if the Doctor could be with her he would be and where would that leave John?
Rose did start to clear out the kitchen cupboards but in deference to John and also wishing to avoid another argument she only did the lower cupboards; no standing on chairs meant that John would not be too worried by what she'd done.
When he arrived home she really did her best, she kissed him warmly and explained that it was only that she was bored of being pregnant not sick of it, and that she did understand why he worried and that whilst she had done some cleaning, it had all been very safe.
John was relieved that things seemed to be OK, he had spent a rotten day at work wishing that he could find the right words to say to Rose and at lunchtime he had bought a card and written in it *Never doubt that I love,* but he didn't give it to her, instead he tucked it into his overcoat breast pocket.
Later after they had eaten their evening meal and tidied away John left Rose reading quietly and made a start on the upper cupboards.
Rose wasn't really reading she was thinking about the Doctor again and she was just drifting off to sleep when she heard a tremendous crash, at first she thought she had dreamt it and called out to John. Nothing, no reply, she called out again and ran to the kitchen.
Sprawled on the floor was John, clearly unconscious and with blood pooling under his head. She ran to him, calling his name, then she remembered to check for a pulse, nothing, she panicked, screamed at him to wake up, nothing, then she remembered her mobile and frantically dialled 999.
They answered and talked her through what to do, apply pressure to the wound using a clean cloth, tilt his head back, pinch his nose shut and breathe twice into his mouth and then thirty compressions on his chest, keep doing it two breaths , thirty compressions, two breaths thirty compressions, where were they? Two breaths, thirty compressions, two breaths, thirty compressions… They were here.
Rose slumped to the floor all but wiped out from the effort of sustaining John. Two men continued to work on John whilst a third led her out of the kitchen to talk to her about what had happened.
After what seemed an eternity one man came out of the kitchen,
"Well done Miss," he said to Rose. "We've managed to get him to maintain a pulse and he's breathing with the aid of C pap, if you hadn't have been here he'd be gone."
"Can I see him?" Rose asked
"Of course you can ride with him in the ambulance; he's going to need you." He indicated to her stomach, "How much longer you got to go?"
"About 12 weeks"
"That's one lucky baby it might still have a Daddy"
"Might?"
"He's suffered a serious head trauma, it will be touch and go especially tonight, but he's survived the critical golden hour thanks to you, now it's down to his will to live."
As the ambulance crew loaded John onto a stretcher and then into the ambulance itself Rose threw some things into an overnight bag and the rode with John in the back of the ambulance. He looked so peaceful, so calm exactly how he had looked that morning when she'd been pretending that he was the Doctor, but now he had an oxygen mask strapped to him and a huge bloody bandage on his head.
Again she found herself pretending until she noticed huge hot salty tears coursing down her cheeks, and then she stopped pretending it was too upsetting to imagine the Doctor like that.
They arrived and John was whisked away and she was presented with a myriad of forms to complete, next of kin, she put herself as he had no one else and although they were not yet married the hospital staff accepted that as he had no family and she was his fiancé that she could be classed as next of kin.
That night was terrible she didn't sleep at all just kept staring at him, willing him to breathe, the nurses were in and out all night monitoring his blood pressure, checking his responses, even pinching him to see if he had any awareness and it would seem that he did not.
Finally the first cold grey light of morning crept into his room and at shift change she was given an update; because he was still breathing his chances of survival had doubled, he had got through the first critical twelve hours with no further deterioration. There was still a long way to go but he was classed as critical but stable, whereas before he had just been critical. It didn't appear that he would require surgery but to protect his already injured brain he would be placed in to a drug induced coma and placed on life support so that his brain had nothing to do but heal itself, and she would have to sign the consent form for that to happen.
Rose was terrified what if he never woke up? But they gently explained that without the coma the chances of permanent brain damage were far greater so reluctantly she signed her name.
She wasn't allowed in the room whilst they administered the necessary drugs and she was shocked by what she saw when she went back in. John's eyes were taped closed, there were tubes up his nose and down his throat and his chest was a mass of wires and tape.
She was also shocked by her reaction, for the first time ever she felt a deep yearning for him, that he live, that he be alright and it was John she was yearning for, John.
When the Doctor's did their rounds later in the morning she was quizzed as to what had happened but as she hadn't seen it there was not much that she could tell them. The chair John had been standing on had toppled over and it would seem from his head injury that he had smacked his head first on the work top and then on the tiled floor.
They told her that he had a good chance of survival but that he may be a very different man when he woke up and that talking to him was vital as even in a coma hearing often functioned very well.
She was advised to go home and get some more clothes and personal belongings as she would be virtually living at the hospital, this she gratefully did she was almost desperate to get out of the place.
When she arrived home the first thing she did was to clear up in the kitchen, John's blood was still pooled on the floor and the chair was where it had fallen. She was physically ill when she'd finished and again she was shocked at the depth of her reaction to John's blood.
His coat was still flung over the back of the sofa and she went to hang it up, when she noticed the white envelope poking out of the breast pocket. She took it out and saw in John's hand her own name written on the envelope. Should she open it? It was addressed to her but he had not given it to her, eventually she opened it and read what he had written.
*Never doubt that I love...* it was something he never said, he always gave her compliments, called her beautiful and such like but he never said I love you; it was the one thing he shared with the Doctor. As she read it over and over again she became aware of John's scent coming off his coat and enveloping her. Again tears were falling down her face and as he knees buckled she sat on the floor wrapped in John's coat and as she leant against their sofa she finally fell asleep.
She was woken several hours later by the shrill ring of her mobile phone; it was the hospital asking where she was and if she was alright.
John's first batch of test results had come back and they were thinking of reducing his levels of sedation as the brain scan results were very encouraging, it seemed that his injury was not as severe as first thought, but they wanted her to be there in case he woke for a few seconds and was disorientated.
She grabbed some more clothes and her toothbrush and left having chosen to keep John's coat on. She felt close to him wearing it and his scent made her feel safe.
Several hours later she was sat next to John rambling on about nonsense when he suddenly pulled his tube out of his throat, the nurse that was assigned to him helped him pull it out, he gagged, and swiftly the nurse removed the tape that was covering his eyes. Rose called to him,
"John I'm here" and his eyes briefly fluttered open before closing again.
The progress was amazing he was breathing unaided again and had regained consciousness, all be it briefly. Rose was elated she had never felt like this about John before and she realised that she hadn't thought of the Doctor since John had been admitted. He was slipping away from her; she knew that she still loved him and always would but she had been so afraid that she was going to lose John forever. Why had it taken something like this for her to feel real love for John? She knew they both had a long way to go but right now she felt more positive about their future than she ever had before.
Over the next few days John's sedation was gradually reduced to almost nothing, he was still not awake for very long, but the periods of wakefulness were becoming more frequent and now that he had no tubes or wires attached to him Rose was encouraged to help in his personal care.
That morning she was carefully shaving him. It was a delicate operation as she did not want to cut him and she was concentrating hard, when she became aware that he had opened one eye and was watching her. She stopped startled,
"Oh hello, did I hurt you?"
John swallowed it was still an effort to speak and when he did it was in a whisper, "Rose no" he looked down and managed "Bigger".
Rose laughed " Fatter you mean, but it has been another week" John swallowed hard again, "Not fatter...beautiful". With that he drifted back off to sleep and Rose finished up shaving him.
When she had finished she wrote down what he had said, the doctor's and nurses had said to write everything down as it was all good progress. Whilst she was busy writing one of the day nurses bustled in busy on her rounds to do John's observations. She asked Rose what he had said, and blushing a deep crimson Rose told her.
"He loves you" the nurse commented.
"I know."
"Very much."
"I know."
"You love him?"
Rose was startled by the question and didn't answer immediately, but yes she really did, and not because of who he looked like it was almost as if coming so close to losing him had made her realise what she had. Eventually she replied, "More than he knows, I have to tell him"
"Well if he continues to improve you could be taking him for a home visit next week, I overheard the Doctor's they say his recovery is amazing. Was he really gone when you found him?"
Rose inhaled sharply..."Yes he was, he had no pulse and he wasn't breathing, the woman on the phone talked me through what to do, I suppose I brought him back."
"You certainly did"
" I like the idea of taking him home, even if it is only for a visit"
"Oh that's normal following a brain injury, it's just to make sure that he is safe to make a cup of tea or some toast little things like that, sometimes people forget how to do the simplest of things."
She left Rose to her thoughts, how to tell John that before now she hadn't really loved him but that now she did. The love she had for John now was deep and uncomplicated, it was simple she just loved him. She still loved the Doctor but more as an amazing friend; she thought she would always love him in that way now. She had to convince John that it was him she wanted now more than anything, him and his baby.
Rose was heavily involved with John's physiotherapy, it tired him but the more he did the quicker he could go home, by the end of that second week he could walk short distances and stay awake for several hours. Rose found herself rambling on for hours and hours whilst John just listened and watched her, and it did not escape Rose's attention that the watched had become the watcher.
Finally at the start of the third week the decision was made that John could go for a home visit, he had no recollection of the accident so he had no fear about going home, in fact he was positively buzzing and Rose was having trouble keeping him calm.
"Where are they?" he whined, "They said they'd be here at two"
"It's only just gone two," Rose replied, "and look here they are now"
John was not allowed to walk out of the hospital so he suffered the indignity of being wheeled out, once they got to their house he was allowed to walk and although a little unsteady he did so unaided.
When he walked into their kitchen Rose felt suddenly afraid, the last time she'd seen him in there he had been...well dead, but here he was alive and quite well and making tea just as he had done that morning three weeks ago.
"John" Rose began, he turned to look at her "I found this in your coat pocket" She was holding the card he had bought, "I'm sorry, I opened it"
"No need to be sorry it was addressed to you."
"Do you remember what you wrote in it?"
"Yes yes I do something I'm not good at saying."
"What did you write?"
"Never doubt that I love, and Rose I do, so much I love you and I'm going to say it much more from now on" He held her tight and she buried her head in his chest, it was only when the baby kicked hard that they parted laughing breathlessly like teenagers.
"John?"
"Yes"
"I've never told you that I love you and you know why?"
"Yes" his eyes clouded, he was afraid to ask but he had to know, "And now?"
"John I thought I'd lost you and I was so scared...John I love you, I do I love YOU because you're you and not because you look like him."
"What about him though you still love him?"
"Yes I do, but John it's you that I'm IN love with, the Doctor…. I will always love the Doctor, but this baby" she took his hand and placed it on her stomach, "Our baby deserves for us to do our best, it's you I want and love"
They kissed at first tenderly, then hungrily and passionately, they made their way upstairs and gently, tentatively, tenderly made love.
As they lay in each others arms Rose said, "I know you've already asked me, but I want to have the same name as you and the baby, I want to be a Smith, will you marry me John?"
"Oh Rose of course I will"
They realised that the hospital staff would be arriving back within the hour to assess John's progress and this was not the progress they were supposed to be measuring!
They made it back downstairs in time and again giggling like teenagers answered all the questions that were put to them.
John had passed and would be returning home permanently the very next day.
Rose was up, dressed and at the hospital before John was even awake. As he wouldn't be released until after the doctor's had done their rounds she didn't wake him but just sat next to him watching him as she used to do when she woke first. But now she was watching him, John, and not pretending that he was someone else.
Very gradually, slowly she became aware that his breathing was changing he was starting to wake up, she stared at him, drinking in every detail of his face as he did so. His hair was growing back well now just a little shorter around the now well healed wound that had so nearly taken him from her. He blinked and smiled at her,
"Oh sorry have you been here long?"
"Not really, and anyway I was enjoying the view."
"You always did that; you used to stare at me when you thought I was asleep."
"You knew?"
"Mostly."
"It's different now though you know that don't you?"
"I do Rose, I do."
"I've done some research, if we get a special license we can be married next week"
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes, very much don't you?"
"Of course I do Rose but this has got to be what you want, I've always wanted this you haven't"
"I do now, let's do it!"
"Well let me get out of here first!"
Later, once the Doctor's had made their rounds and all the discharge forms had been filled in and signed they finally left the hospital, although the staff noted that it would not be long before they'd be back in the maternity unit rather than critical care.
On their way home they made arrangements for a special license and set the date for the following Wednesday. All they needed to do was to let Rose's family know and a few close friends, that was all they wanted, for those that mattered to be there when they publicly declared their love for one another.
The day arrived and all went to plan, John wore a hired tuxedo and Rose wore a simple a line dusky pink dress with flowers in her hair. They signed the register as Mr and Mrs Smith and left for a simple reception at Rose's parent's house.
The weeks flew by with John regaining his strength and relearning skills as each day went past. His work had arranged for him to return one month after the baby was due and all preparations were centred on that.
Finally 2 days before her due date Rose woke John in the night to say it was time, and they left for the hospital again. The labour was not easy but a little after noon Rose delivered a healthy 8lb baby boy, they named him Robert John Smith.
Once the family was back home they quickly settled into a new routine and Rose was so thankful that John was at home for that first month, he was a very hands on Father, bathing and changing Robert and taking him from her so that she could rest.
Even when he returned to work, as soon as he came home he would scoop Robert up, play with him and get him ready for the night. He always made time to tell Rose that he loved her, and that was the only difference Rose could see from before the accident to now; he was more demonstrative and told her every day that he loved her, something somebody else had never been able to do.
Rose still thought of the Doctor but not in the aching way she had before, she remembered him with love and warmth and she knew that she was doing what he wanted her to...having a good life.
As for those kitchen cupboards, neither of them ever cleaned them again...they got a man in instead.