Author's Note: I hereby issue a challenge-ish thing to all who have nothing better to do! Pretty much, just put iTunes or some other similar music-maker on shuffle and write down the first line or so of lyrics. That will be the first line of dialogue for a short drabble-type thing, but I'm not giving it an official word limit. You can if you like. Anyway, just write whatever comes to mind, based on that first line of dialogue!
It's an alternative to a story based on a song, and can turn out much funnier... as you will probably find out if you read on. So do so! Enjoy!
-x-
"I am an arms dealer, do-de-doo..." Tobi sang.
"The fuck?" Hidan said eloquently. "I didn't know you even knew what an arms dealer was. You always act like such a motherfucking retard."
"Tobi can be smert sometimes," Tobi protested.
Hidan didn't bother with further insults. They'd be lost on a moron like Tobi. Instead he asked what weapons he sold.
Tobi tilted his head quizzically. "Weapons, Hidan-san? Tobi sells arms."
Hidan choked and laughed loudly as Tobi produced two severed arms – belonging to Deidara – from underneath the counter. He decided that it would be a good laugh when that blonde pansy found out and praised Tobi, then walked away to conduct some masochistic Jashinst ritual in the kitchen.
-x-
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door!" Hidan grumbled as Kisame entered the kitchen for the third time in ten minutes.
Kisame grabbed a can of soda and kicked the refrigerator door closed, being sure to skirt the massive amount of blood that was pooling around Hidan's would-be fatal wound. "If you want privacy for your rituals, you should get the hell out of the most public room in the base – moron."
"Hey fish sticks, get me a soda before I skewer you."
There was a chisshk as the can was opened somewhere out of the Jashinist's view. Kisame then proceeded to pour his soda into Hidan's wound and drop the can on his head, then he walked out again.
"Go fuck yourself," Hidan cursed, squirming as the delicious, fizzy pain of soda ate away at his flesh. "Motherfucking heathen bastard, close the fucking door behind you!" The fish man had done that every time and it hurt like hell.
-x-
"I've been trying to tell ya that we should be together!"
Deidara tried to ignore the voice, only slightly terrified.
Since Tobi had come into possession of both his arms, Deidara really had no way of blowing his brains out short of inventing gunpowder. And that wasn't happening any time soon.
Apparently his super-special-awesome secret forbidden jutsu had more abilities that he himself could not unlock while his arms were attached, and to add insult to injury, Tobi had unlocked them before he himself did. Like his extra mouths having the ability to speak, for example.
One of them seemed hellbent on getting in his pants.
Deidara ran for it.
-x-
"The blind stare with a million pairs of eyes, Itachi."
The Uchiha didn't answer to Sasori's statement, philosophical as it was.
"I'm only saying that there are worse things than losing your sight," Sasori continued.
The puppet was mocking him. Sasori of the Red Sand was mocking him.
Admittedly, Itachi was seriously pissed. Had he been thinking normally, he would have continued to stoically ignore him. But instead, he retorted, "Like losing your genitals, Sasori?"
Well. It wouldn't have been such an insult if someone else had said it – it was just that Itachi never stooped so low. Sasori was just glad that Deidara wasn't around to hear that.
'Pwnd,' Itachi thought.
-x-
"My head is a box," Kakuzu whined to the bathroom mirror. "I can't get anything to look good."
"It's okay, old man. We'll find something pretty in time for the party, you'll see," Konan consoled.
"Don't call me that," Kakuzu growled. Konan just nodded and smiled placatingly and continued searching for a pretty mask for him to wear.
Hidan's brows shot to his hairline. Since when were that bastard and Konan of all people on such good terms?
One word ran through the Jashinist's mind: Blackmail.
-x-
"I used to rule the world," Tobi boasted. "I was great at it, too, until that bastard Tobi came along and ruined it all. I would have crushed Hashirama if he hadn't worn that cursed dress that kept riding up his legs."
Tobi was a very different person when intoxicated, the Akatsuki discovered to the amusement of some and the immense horror of others.
"Wasn't Hashrama the first Hokage of the Leaf Village?" Sasori asked suspiciously. "How do you know that? Were you a Leaf shinobi?"
Hidan stopped vomiting in the corner long enough to say, "Then how the fuck do you know that?"
"I've a lot of time to research this sort of thing," Sasori answered calmly.
"Nerd." Hidan then continued vomiting.
-x-
"He walked into the party like he owned the place," Kisame complained drunkenly.
"Kisame."
"What?"
"Leader-sama does own the place, un."
Kisame hiccupped and collapsed.
-x-
"I open up my head inside and find another person's mind," Madara muttered to himself.
"But surely Madara likes this other mind?" Tobi answered happily. "He is a very good boy, after all."
"If I could kill you, I would – with great joy, I might add."
"But Tobi loves you, Madara! Tobi wants to be with you forever~!"
Madara sighed dejectedly. "I'm afraid that I may not have a choice in the matter."
Hidan was getting quite good at being sneaky – his motivation being digging up dirt on the other members of Akatsuki. Unfortunately, overhearing this strange conversation Tobi was having with himself didn't make him suspicious in the slightest. Because Hidan is a moron like that.
-x-
"This world will never be what I expected."
Konan gave a small nod. "Peace seems to be out of humanity's grasp. It's like they don't even wantit."
Pain shook his head and looked at the woman. "That too, but what I meant was... well... Ahem."
"Well what?" Konan said sharply.
Pain was abruptly reluctant to talk, but a glare in his direction encouraged him. "I mean, er, the... rumors, about you and... Kakuzu..."
Konan choked on her own saliva. "What the f– uh, fudge? What in the world gave you that idea?"
Pain looked down, realising that the source probably had been unreliable. Embarrassed, he muttered a name.
Konan's head exploded.
No, literally. It became a flurry of paper butterflies with razor-sharp wings that set off to slice the foul-mouthed immortal into a jigsaw puzzle.
-x-
Author's Note: That's what happens when I ingest too much caffeine on a school night. This is a oneshot; I will probably be abandoning this story soon after posting it. I enjoyed writing it, however, and highly recommend that you write your own! Link me to it if you can, because I'm quite interested in what others would make of this challenge. As far as I know, it is the only challenge of its kind because I've never come across another one like it. So... Please, review and write your own! I would love you forever! :D
...
Mister Lawyer's eyes narrowed. "You didn't state a disclaimer, Miss Paperclip."
Lost gaped incredulously. "But this is a site specifically made for fanfiction! A disclaimer should be entirely unnecessary," she argued.
The Lawyer's briefcase clicked ominously as his piercing gaze met Lost's nonchalant and particularly lazy one. "You must conform to the site's expectations, Miss Paperclip, or you will find yourself severely lacking in the financial department."
"Surely Masashi Kishimoto has better things to do than scour the Naruto fandom for stories that have failed to renounce ownership of said anime/manga?" It was only half a question.
"You will do as is expected of you!" Mister Lawyer's briefcase clicked once more.
Lost made a mental note to remove her lawyer's briefcase before she fired him. The way he held it before him, clicking it to emphasise certain points, was just too creepy to handle for extended periods of time – and she figured that writing random crack like this would see her in court a few times too often to be considered comfortable.
"I refuse!" Lost shouted valiantly, standing up for the freedom of all fanficcers to plagiarise whatever they feel like.
The lawyer made a hand seal around the briefcase handle with a wicked glint in his eye.
To Be Continued...