I am alone. Not of this world. I have known this since my first memory, the first awareness I had of my existence. Not alone in the sense that there are others of my kind elsewhere, simply out of reach. I am a created thing, a merging of two kinds. I have no 'others', no vast history, no genetic stability other than the hundreds of failures before me. I feel this daily, moment by moment.
Pain is as familiar to me as breathing. An unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage, caused by energy transmitted via nerve endings. I have endured it every moment of my life. It may be lesser or greater, but it is always there.
Over time I have learned to live with it, to not react to it. This had helped me in my job, my purpose in life, because I am faced with it constantly. Even so, the one moment I wait for is the time when my life, and the pain, will end. I will no longer be lonely, no longer be a person apart, a person with no heritage. I will return to the nothingness I came from.
A class room in a school. A place for humans to learn what they needed to know to live responsible lives. Such a place was of no interest to Rei, and even if it had been, she had already absorbed the information from all the textbooks assigned to her.
To her left, outside the window, a bird winged its way through the sky. It was free, unfettered, not in pain. It had a lineage, it was part of a species. In certain small ways, she was like that bird. She was free from some human constraints. She had excellent recall, and thus she did not have to study as others did. Finding similarities between herself and what surrounded her was a pleasant exercise, one of the many distractions she used to pass the days. She had many of them, all of them useless to varying degrees.
As long as she made sure she was able to do what the Commander needed, nothing else mattered. This too was freeing in a way. She was free to do whatever she wished with her free time. The Commander did not care as long as she was able to do her duty.
The closing bell sounded, causing a flurry of activity as the students prepared to leave.
"Ayanami."
She looked to her right and up to find Hikari standing by her desk. On the girl's face was a look she could not decipher. Compassion? Sorrow, perhaps?
"You're on duty, today," Hikari continued, when Rei did not respond at first.
"Alright," Rei answered. She stood immediately to gather the erasers and clean them. Class duties consisted of various cleaning tasks that most students shunned. This puzzled her, because such duties were spelled out and easy to accomplish, they simply took time. There were many things in life that were not spelled out, things that were hard to understand.
Why did they hate something so easy?
She did not understand, but then there were many things concerning interpersonal relationships she did not understand. She had come to accept this, and lived with the fact that she would always be alone. By now most of the students had gone, leaving her to work in peace. She slowly wiped down each desk with a damp cloth. It was a simple task that she could lose herself in. Halfway down the second row, a scraping noise drew her attention to her right foot. beside it was a small book. She bent down to pick it up, examining the cover.
Peach Sailor Kaminari.
The front cover showed a young female girl in a brightly colored pink and yellow blouse and miniskirt combination. In her hand she held a stylized lightning bolt and she had an ecstatic expression on her face. Curious, she opened it to the first page.
Hi! I'm Peach Sailor Kaminari, and even though I'm not from this planet, I protect everyone here because I have special powers! I know it's lonely sometimes, but I try to enjoy myself, in fact...
Her mouth twitched into a semblance of a smile as she read. She saw herself in this female, who was apparently the primary character of the book. She had never seen such a book in the research library she usually frequented. It was obviously a work of fiction, a genre she rarely read. It spoke of a girl who had been exiled from her home planet, which was then destroyed when its sun went nova. She was the last of her kind. On earth she had powers that a normal human did not have, powers she used to help others who were in trouble.
After reading the introduction, she turned the page. Her damp towel dropped to the floor, forgotten. A few minutes later she sank to a sitting position, her duties forgotten.
A half-hour later, she glanced up at sudden foot-steps.
"Ayanami?"
She stood, closing the book and looking towards where Hikari stood.
"Class Representative," she said calmly. Normally she would have not spoken further, but she felt compelled to explain her actions. "I'll finish my duties. I'm sorry I became distracted."
"No, No!" Hikari raised her hands, eyes wide. "I'm not getting onto you. As long as you finish, it's okay!" She glanced around, surprised. To her this was a complete departure from the quiet girl's normally studious and efficient work. Rei never deviated from any assigned duties, always completing them with machine-like precision. Her eyes flitted down, coming to rest on the book in the girl's hand. "What book is that?"she asked, drifting closer.
"It's a picture book," Rei answered.
"A what?" Hikari reached over and turned the book so she could see the cover. "Oh wow!" she exclaimed. "I've never seen you read manga before. What's it about?"
"A girl from another planet," Rei answered, absorbing Hikari's intensity with a calm unblinking gaze.
"Oh. Huh." Hikari smiled hesitantly as the silence became uncomfortable. "Well, I guess I'll see you later, then."
"Yes."
The other girl stood, turning to go. She stopped and glanced back.
"Hey, if you ever want to talk..." She hesitated, and Rei blinked. "Anyway. Bye!" She turned and jogged from the classroom. Rei set the book down, returning to her assigned duties. Her hands moved with an unaccustomed impatience. She had not finished reading the book, and she wished to do so.
Going home that day, her steps had been lighter than usual. She had come upon an item to add to her pitifully small collection of Things To Be Treasured. Over the next few days, she worked feverishly. Never before had she been offered a purpose of her own. The closest thing she had was Eva, and that was given to her by others.
Learning to sew was a complex process, especially since she wanted to do it with her own hands, and not a machine. One week from when she had started, she was finished. No one had any reason to suspect anything unusual had been going on. The Commander left her alone as long as she reported regularly for the usual mind downloads, her Sensei never bothered her since she always got the maximum possible grade on each test, and her school-mates had long since stopped approaching her. Before, this had been cause for further pain and loneliness, but now it was, if still painful, at least useful.
Her heart beat was painful against her chest as she stepped out of her apartment door and into the night. It was a complete change from her normal schedule, and an outrageous one at that. Closing the door behind her, she stood in the dingy breezeway, shivering despite the warmth of the night. She closed her eyes, reveling in the strange and powerful emotions.
This is freedom.
It felt like she was about to come apart at the seams. A soft breeze ruffled the skirt she wore to her knees, making her look down. It was different from the type of clothes she normally wore, which made her self-conscious. She walked to the top of the breezeway stairs, coming to a stop.
What would anyone think, if they saw me?
To anyone she knew, she would be completely unrecognizable. Whether it was her bright pink skirt, the soft white top, or even her hair, which she had also dyed pink. She had not known there was such a thing as a hair-dye that could be 'programmed' to disintegrate after set passage of time. She had put on enough to last for ten hours, meaning until sunrise. She even had a light blue cloth mask covering the top half of her face, though she had doubts concerning its usefulness.
It did not matter. With this, she would no longer have to hide who she was. She stretched her arms wide, feeling the familiar glow surround her. She had been forced to hide it for so long, it nearly hurt, it felt so good. Silently she floated into the air.
For an hour she simply drifted, as a leaf might, not even paying attention to the fantastic scenery below. Her vision swam, the myriad lights below dancing and twinkling as she moved through the sky. A sudden cool wetness on her cheeks surprised her. Reaching up, she found her mask was damp.
I am finally free to be myself, she thought, looking down at the wetness on her blue gloves. Why am I crying?
She slowly drifted towards the ground, lost in her thoughts.
"K... Kyaaa!"
The unexpected scream made her turn, and her cheeks felt suddenly hot. She unconsciously brought a gloved hand up to hide her face. Below her was a girl, perhaps a year or two younger.
"Ma-Magical Shoujo!" the girl yelled, pointing up at Rei.