TRIGGER WARNING. Mentions of self harm and sexual assault.

This is my first fanfic in quite a while. please review to let me know how you find it. I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

"How did I let this happen?" The young Doctor muttered to herself- her strained voice full of self loathing and disgust.

She wanted to scream but she didn't have the energy - her throat was so sore from hours of crying and retching that she had all but lost her voice.

Her body was letting her down just as it had done the previous night, all she could do was sob quietly, sat on her bare mattress with her knees tucked up to her chin, rocking gently and staring straight ahead. In a moment of frustration she bit down hard into the soft , supple skin of her thigh. Enjoying the momentary distraction she bit harder and harder still- until she could taste the distinctive metallic taste of her own blood.

Shocked at her own actions, she stopped abruptly- looking down at her throbbing thigh- she could see a bloody bite mark surrounded already by a large bruise, even in the dimly lit room it was clear to see that she had damaged herself quite badly.

Straining her eyes to get a clearer view she found it oddly comforting- neat indentations made by her perfect teeth- all of which were now weeping blood - something that she made no effort to stop.

So relieved by the momentary distraction ; she started to pull at her hair when it began to fade, needing it back. Feeling a strong surge of anger and pent up frustration- she formed tight fists, the skin over her knuckles stretching until it was perfectly white, her nails digging into the palms of her hands.

She hit herself repeatedly in the face. Feeling she deserved this punishment she hit harder and faster until she was so exhausted that she just couldn't move her arms anymore .

Her face was throbbing with pain which she focussed on completely, taking calming deep breaths and ironically feeling more in control than she had done in some time.

Silent tears rolled down her face , stinging the red raw skin around her eyes- hours of salty tears and running mascarer being in contact with her usually flawless, soft skin was beginning to have a physical effect- as well as the beating she had given herself. She could feel the skin of her face tightening as her eyes began to swell, and unbeknownst to her- blood was slowly dripping from her injured nose, down onto her legs. The droplets were all taking different paths- some were merging with the blood from her bite mark, some were dripping onto her mattress with a quiet drip, drip, drip...

Slowly and painfully she was reliving the events of the previous night, feeling her chest tighten in panic and her mouth open in disbelief of what had occurred.

She shook her head – how had she gone from a confident young Doctor with the world at her feet to a mess who could see absolutely no solution?

She had no idea what to do to make it better, she could not see any way that anything could ever get better now, she was ruined.

She felt pang of hurt as she thought of Ethan. Just as she had thought things couldn't get any worse, it had done. She had hurt and disappointed him too. What next? Who was she going to hurt next?

Even when she tried to do good she ended up hurting people.

She was so scared. Of everyone. Of herself. The past, the present and the future.

For the first time in her life the driven doctor did not know which way to turn.

Looking at her alarm clock she was surprised to see that it was already 7:00am. She was expected to start her shift at 9:00am.

She knew one thing.

She wouldn't be attending.

Please review, thank you!