Wild Hearts (aka Someone Actually Wrote A Non-Hentai Gundam Yuri Fanfic!)
By Kairi 'Shadow Sage' Taylor
(A stage is highlighted as Kairi steps out from behind the curtain.)
Kairi: Good day!! Well, as you know, I have once stated that I would never write a yuri fanfic in a previous Gundam Wing story. However, since I'm kind of working on a whole bunch of other stories, well I decided to go ahead & (takes a deep breath & crosses himself several times) WRITE A FULL BLOWN YURI FANFIC COMPLETE WITH WOMEN KISSING EACH OTHER!!
(Crowd cheers & hoots. Obviously they're mostly male.)
Kairi: HOWEVER, due to the insistence of my moderator, there will be no scenes of wild, dirty, torrid lovemaking.
(Crowd is booing. Kairi gets annoyed & pulls out a M-60.)
Kairi: Do I even have to say 'Omae o korosu'?
(Crowd is silent. Kairi puts the gun away.)
Kairi: Just in case anything gets too wild, my moderator will correct my mistakes. (Akane comes out on stage, wielding the St.Akane Holy Mallet Of Divine Violence.)
Akane: Let me state that for the record, yuri does not automatically translate into Hentai. If anybody even hints at a perverted idea, their ass is grass & I'm going to smoke it!!
(At this point Angelo, Happosai & Deadpool get up & leave.)
Kairi: Ah, that's done. Oh, just in case any homophobic jerk tries to flame me…(voice begins to sound like The Rock) Let The Sage tell you this, The Sage will take no crap from you. The Sage will take on anyone from the flamer's family. Be it Ma Flamer, Pop Flamer, Suzy Flamer, Billy Flamer or cousin Jimmy Jack Flamer with the one lazy eye, The Sage will lay the Smackdown on ALL their candy asses!!! (Goes offstage.)
Akane: So, let's begin.
Wild Hearts: A Gundam Wing
Love
Story (With Absolutely, Positively NO HOT NAUGHTY LESBIAN SEX WHATSOEVER
DAMNIT!!)
WHACK!!
Kairi (O.S.): What did I do?
(Scene opens to a park at the Winner estate. Heero is sitting with Quatre & Duo.)
Heero: So, what do you guys wanna do?
Duo: Let's play some more Jet Grind Radio!!
Quatre: Don't you ever get enough of that game?
Duo: Let me think…No!
Heero: We're talking about the guy who is obsessed with tagging the whole area of Shibuya-chou with Shingami graffiti.
Duo: C'mon, Cube's tags are good, but they need something more, something that says "I am a disciple of Shingami, so respect my damn artwork!".
Quatre: I rather play with Sugar.
Heero: You & every other male with fully functioning sex organs!!
WHACK!!!
Kairi (O.S.): Damn it, I wasn't making a perverted remark! It was Heero!!
Akane: That was just for the general thought!!
(As the boys continue to talk, Relena walks in.)
Heero: Oh hell, Relena!! I thought I told you to tell her I wasn't here.
Quatre: I did!! (Both look at Duo.)
Duo: Don't blame me!!
(Somewhere on a certain spaceship on, Wufei & Sally are working on a console. Wufei has a smile on his face.)
Sally: You seem happy about something.
Wufei: Just thinking about a prank I pulled on Heero. The so called 'Perfect Soldier' said I didn't have a sense of humor, so I made a little phone call…
(Back to the Winner Estate.)
Heero: Relena…
Relena: Hey Heero! I was looking for you.
Duo: As if that wasn't obvious every day of our lives…
Quatre: So, what's up?
Relena: I've arranged a small trip for us to the new Sega MultiWorld Arcade. Do you guys want to
(At this point, Duo strikes a heroic pose, standing at least 20 ft. tall, grinning maniacally, eyes sparkling.)
Duo: WE ARE SO THERE!!!
(All sweatdrop.)
Quatre: Eh…right. Heero…
Heero: We're out of tranquilizers. We'll have to deal with it.
(Cut to Sega MultiWorld. Dorothy is sitting near a photo sticker machine as Hilde walks in.)
Hilde: Hey Dorothy! You look happy. What's going on?
Dorothy: I never believed it, but it finally happened! I've finally found my true love!
Hilde: Quatre? Wow, finally! I've always thought you two would make a great couple!
Dorothy: Um…no, not Quatre.
Hilde: No? Well, I guess Trowa would be a nice choice, but don't you think he's a bit quiet for you?
Dorothy: Nope, wrong again!
Hilde: Oh…(thinks for a minute, totally dismissing Heero & Wufei, then glows blue & begins to look like a evil demon, or Akane when she has her…)
WHACK!!
Kairi (O.S.): This is why I don't let you do a story at all, Spike!!
Spike:(O.S.) Ouch. I thought Faye had the strength of an ogre.
Akane & Faye (O.S.): WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!!!
(Back to Hilde.)
Hilde: Now listen here you!! Duo is my man & if you think for one minute that I'll let you just waltz in &__
Dorothy: DEAR GOD NO!! WHAT KINDA SICKO DO I LOOK LIKE?!
Hilde: Oh. Well who?
Dorothy: Well… (Grinning sheepishly, she takes out a set of photo stickers & hands them to Hilde. Hilde looks & sees Dorothy & Relena. Kissing. On the lips. Passionately.)
Akane: I think they get the general idea!!
(Ok, Ok!!)
Hilde: NA—NANI!!!
Dorothy: I know, it seems weird…
Hilde: When? How? Why? And for kami-sama's sake, RELENA PEACECRAFT?!
Dorothy: Well, we had the day to ourselves & we just had a most wonderful time. We came here, started fooling around in the photo machine &…we just clicked.
Hilde: Just clicked?
(Cut to Kairi's desk. Kairi is sitting in thought with Akane & Nobiyuki.)
Kairi: Ok, what to add next?
Nobiyuki: How about some more dialogue, when Dorothy talks about being in the bedroom &…(Nobiyuki's speech is cut short as Akane knocks him into sleepyland with a piece of the ceiling.)
Kairi: Well, that idea was DOA from the get go!
Akane: Hey, add this! (Akane scribbles a few ideas on a piece of paper & gives it to Kairi.)
Kairi: Heh, why not?
(Cut to Sega MultiWorld Arcade. Relena has arrived with Heero, Quatre & Duo. Dorothy & Hilde are at the front entrance.)
Hilde: Hey guys!! Glad you made it!!
Dorothy: (in super cute kawaii voice) Relena-chan!! (Runs up & hugs Relena.)
Crowd: RELENA-CHAN
Kairi: Hey!! I don't see any of you volunteering to write this damnit!!
(Relena kisses Dorothy on the cheek. Duo & Quatre's jaws drop, while Heero scratches his head.)
Duo: Uh…um…..
Quatre: What in…
Relena: Yeah, I missed you too.
Heero: Wow, I guess you two are really good friends.
Duo: ARE YOU BLIND HEERO? THEY"RE OBVIOUSLY MORE THAN THAT!!!
Heero: What do you mean?
Quatre: Well, how to break this to you…Relena is a 'member of the other team'.
Heero: WHAT? She's working for OZ? That explains why she always stalks me!! (Pulls out gun) OMAE O KUROSU!!!
Quatre: NO, SHE'S NOT WORKING FOR OZ DUMBASS!!! (Everyone stares at Quatre.) What? I can get annoyed too!!
Heero: Well, if she's not a member of OZ, then what's going on.?
Duo: Just watch & see.
(During the whole time that Dorothy & Relena are together Heero notices the following things: Dorothy & Relena snuggling as he plays table hockey with Duo, Dorothy & Relena sharing pocky & kissing, Dorothy & Relena dancing while Hilde sings karaoke, Dorothy & Relena making out heavily as they are watching a movie…look, I'm pretty sure the folk at home get the general conclusion, so Heero, after much thinking, arrives at one conclusion.)
Heero: They must be…Federation Spies!!
(At this point, Kairi floats in from the sky on a gyroscope.)
Kairi: Ok, Heero, I've had it. Now sit down. (Heero sits on a bench.) Look, I'm sure that you're a bright pilot & everything, but you aren't exactly a genius at relations to the opposite sex, so let me explain. You see, Relena & Dorothy really like each other. A lot. In fact, if I could accurately describe how much they love each other this would be rated NC-17 & Akane would beat my ass to a bloody pulp.
Heero: Ok. In other words…
Kairi: They love each other like a man loves a woman.
Heero: Oh, like you & Yuffie! (At this point, Yuffie glomps onto Kairi.)
Yuffie: Yes, you admitted it, you really do love me!! (Kairi bops Heero on the head.)
Kairi: BAKA!! Look, Relena & Dorothy are gay. I don't mean happy gay, I'm talking full blown lesbian gay!!
Heero: So why is she always stalking me?
Kairi: Beats the hell outta me!!
Heero: Well, if she's gay, I guess her brother is too. I mean Zechs & Trieze did hang out a lot. (Zechs runs onscreen.)
Zechs: I AM NOT GAY!!! And if I was, do you really think I would wear these boots with this suit?
Heero: So what? You could be lying.
Kairi: Oh please, not this. Lets end this fanfic now!!
Yuffie: Not yet!! (Gives Kairi a full blown French kiss.) OK, now!!
END!
Kairi: Laugh…or else!!