Worth It

by MsLane

The slightly taller brunette isn't listening to her though, she simply shakes her head, screwing her eyes shut trying to keep the tears at bay, but failing miserably as they glide down her cheek, and squeezes Rachel's hands to get her to stop talking, "B-Beth was brought up." Rachel gasps suddenly, her breath leaving her lungs in a rush, and she feels lightheaded all at once.

"Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth fixing."

"Don't say that Santana...whatever it is, I know that you know that it's worth it."

Santana rolls her eyes as she tosses her head to the side so as to get a better look at Rachel, "Whatever you say. I ruined us."

Rachel shakes her head as she continues to reassuringly rub Santana's hand, "I refuse to believe that."

"Yeah, but that's because you aren't the one stupid enough to fuck shit up, are you Hobbes?"

The shorter brunette huffs indignantly but lets the hobbit comment slide; after all, she's used to it from Santana by now.

"But you don't deny that it's worth fixing, do you?"

The ex-cheerleader shakes her head as she tilts her head back so she's looking up at the ceiling now, "No. No I don't deny it. I don't know why I even said that. She's worth everything. But it's not worth fixing because she deserves better than someone like me to call her best fucking friend because I'm not worth that."

Rachel furrows her brow and shakes her head, "Now come one Santana, that's ridiculous. You just said she's worth everything. She's worth trying to fix this."

The other brunette nods her head stiltedly, and Rachel allows herself a small smile, "Good then. That's step one complete."

Santana's head snaps up at this, eyebrow raised, a very small smirk plays at her lips, "And just, pray tell, how many steps are there Rach?"

The Broadway bound diva has the decency to at least look somewhat sheepish, "Well, I mean to say...I haven't gotten much farther than two."

Santana chuckles and nods her head, "Alright, so let me hear it then...what's step two?"

"...Calling her up?" Rachel whispers, and it comes across as more of a question than anything else.

The slightly taller brunette shakes her head adamantly at that, "Nope. Nuuh. Sorry Streisand but I'm not calling her up. I'm not drunk enough for that. Literally haven't had a single drink at all so, really definitely sober so that call ain't happenin'."

Rachel sighs as she sits up straighter on the couch and leans forward as she tilts her head and asks very seriously, "Why can't you be completely sober for it then? Why do you have to be drunk at all to get through a conversation with her?"

Huffing as she turns over to face Rachel, Santana rolls her eyes, "Because trying to get everything all out while sober and on the phone with Quinn is not something that is possible for me to do."

"I still don't understand what you think you did exactly. You two have been through a whole heap of mess and always come out stronger for it in the end...why is this any different?"

Santana takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, shutting her eyes as she does so, before answering her quietly, "Because I think I really stuck my foot in it this time Rachel."

"I'm sure she'll forgive you whatever it is that you think you've done San. Quinn loves you, you're her best friend. No matter what, she's going to forgive you, you just need to talk to her. Approach her."

Shaking her head as Rachel talks, Santana slowly opens her eyes and sits completely up, before just getting up all together, "You don't get it Rach...I said some really stupid shit. I hurt her, immensely."

Rachel grabs onto Santana's hands and pulls her so she's leaning towards her, "Santana, please listen to me-"

The slightly taller brunette isn't listening to her though, she simply shakes her head, screwing her eyes shut trying to keep the tears at bay, but failing miserably as they glide down her cheek, and squeezes Rachel's hands to get her to stop talking, "B-Beth was brought up."

Rachel gasps suddenly, her breath leaving her lungs in a rush, and she feels lightheaded all at once.

Santana shakes her head again, trying to dispel the tears, "I-I have a journal and it got out of my hands and into someone else's...someone who apparently thinks it's okay to go through my shit...I was too drunk to notice what it was-it was from high school. And I just...I didn't know! And Quinn comes by and this bitch drapes herself over the back of our couch and just, she starts talking about Beth and-and just the details that she knew ya know?

And...fuck, I never ever broke Quinn's confidence in me. I would never tell anyone anything-but she just...Quinn looks at me and it's like, fuck all the air is sucked out of the room cuz she thinks I told this practical stranger her life story. And it's shit like no one fucking knows...And I'm just...I don't fucking know what to say, cuz all I can think is how the hell is this chick saying what she is, how the fuck does she know what she knows."

She shudders in a gasp of air, trying to get a hold of her emotions, knowing she has absolutely no right to be getting like this, "I love the kid Rach, I swear I do, with every little piece of me as if she's mine and Britt's own kid! I don't fucking know why I didn't put two and two together and tell the chick to fuck off before she started talkin shit...I just sat there drunk off my ass and just letting this bum spew off God knows what. Has the audacity to look Quinn in the eyes and asks her why the hell would she even think to keep the baby.

And all I can do is watch as Quinn gets hit with these questions like does she regret doing that? Did she ever want her back? Did she hate going through PPD? Did it ever get to the point of just wanting to end it all?...fucking shit that no one should have to sit and listen to, and she's just sitting there looking at me with her fucking eyes like a betrayed puppy...and I-I'm laughing because this is insane! This can't be happening to me, to her."

She pauses and has to attempt to keep the bile from rising up in her throat, "The strongest fucking person I know, and she's just sitting there taking it because she thinks I did that. Thinks she probably deserves it. Fucking shit-I, I fucking sit there like the idiot I am, watching as she gets beat down emotionally by someone neither one of us even fucking know. And I then decide to open up my God damn mouth and say, 'well look at it this way, if you never had Beth, you wouldn't have had a break down so epic it brought Rachel down under the bleachers to get you.'"

Rachel's eyes are wide and disbelieving. There is absolutely no way was this coming from Santana. No way did one of her best friends do this. Certainly not Quinn's oldest and best friend.

"You...you didn't do that. I refuse to-"

Santana cuts her off, as she takes back both of her hands from Rachel's grasp, "Oh yes. Yeah, I did. I fucked up. I was a fucking idiot. No. I am a fucking idiot."

She takes in a shuddering breath, hanging her head down and cradling it in her hands, "The worst part? The worst part is she stayed and took care of me. She made sure I was alright all night long, held my hair back, rubbed my back like she knows helps settle me...even after the fucking shit storm of emotions she must have been feeling. She stuck around long enough to get me home and made sure I didn't like die on my own bile. I woke up and she had just walked out, and here you are now...and so continues this shit storm saga of my fuck up."

Rachel is having a difficult time to say the least trying to wrap her head around the bullshit that transpired last night.

Santana is silently crying into her hands, her shaking shoulders and occasional shudder of breath the only indications.

The shorter brunette takes a couple of minutes to go over everything before really realizing that Santana is dissolving into tears right before her very eyes, and she hasn't even had one drink.

She scoots closer and wraps and arm around her and pulls her towards her, holding Santana tightly against her body, rocking them gently and threading her fingers through Santana's hair, trying to comfort her as best as she can presently.

Once the tears slow down a bit, Rachel opens her mouth as she continues to console the brunette in her arms, "It's going to be okay San. We're going to fix this. Do you...did you get your journal back?"

Santana barely nods, and her voice is muffled when she answers quietly, "I grabbed it before we made it back to the apartment."

Rachel nods her head, "Okay, that's good. Did you mention it at all to Quinn last night? Do you think she knows that it wasn't you that said anything?"

Once again the answer is muffled, "Kinda hard to try and string words together when you're as drunk as I was by the end of the fucking night...I don't know if she saw it later on though...It's probably still in my purse."

Sighing, Rachel shuts her eyes as she tries and thinks about how the go about this.

"I'm so sorry to drag you into this."

That surprises Rachel immensely; as she looks down to see Santana gazing up at her with woeful bloodshot eyes, and a red nose, "You haven't dragged me into anything Santana. You're one of my best friends. I care too much about the both of you to just sit back and watch as years of friendship gets blasted to smithereens over something you couldn't control."

Santana buries her face into Rachel's chest, only to get away from Rachel's eyes, "I should have been more careful with who I brought up to my room. I should have kept my shit in safer places. I should have...I shouldn't have brought that shit here with me in the first place."

Rachel rubs her hand up and down Santana's back soothingly, "And where exactly would you have kept all these important things?"

The replying shrug is answer enough for Rachel, and she takes it as her cue to continue gently, "It's not your fault that some people like to be nosy and take things. It's not your fault this individual thought it was absolutely okay to delve into secrets and stories that were not hers to delve into. You didn't give these tidbits away. You didn't hand them over with a smile Santana. I know, more than anyone that you're like Fort Knox, hell you're like Cerberus guarding the underworld, when it comes to keeping secrets secret."

It's a few seconds later before Santana huffs out against her neck, where she had moved up, "Thanks for calling me a bitch in your roundabout way."

Rachel chuckles as she squeezes her gently before leaning back to get a look at her face, "I'd never do that, you should know me better than that."

Santana nods her head, and then wipes the remnants of the tears away from her face, "Fuck, I must look a mess...I need to find that journal."

She stands up and quickly makes her way to the bathroom to wash her face before running into her room to check her purse.

Santana calmly makes her way back into the living room, shrugging her shoulders as she silently brandishes the journal for Rachel to see.

Rachel tentatively takes a hold of it and places it in her lap as Santana rounds the couch and plops down beside her, leaning her head against Rachel's shoulder, "This mother fucking notebook caused a whole fuckton of hurt and I look at it and it's like...seriously? Like, how the fuck did that bitch even know it was something worth taking?"

Rachel's fingers slide across the cover and then gently touches the edges of the pages, "She stayed with you."

Santana remains silent as she watches Rachel.

The diva looks over at Santana and quietly reiterates, "Quinn...she didn't just up and leave you once she brought you home. She stayed all the way until you woke up in the morning."

She gives the brunette beside her some time to mull it over before continuing quietly, after gently placing the journal between them on the coffee table, "I know she is probably very confused, but I know for a fact that she will give you the chance to repair this together. She stayed San. She loves you, her best friend. No way is she going to just walk away without at least talking this through with you. She isn't the same girl she used to be hon. She's probably just hurt and confused and in desperate need of her bestie."

Santana sniffs before nodding her head, "I-I really need my bestie too Rach...I fucked up and I need to fix this as best as I can because I promised I'd never hurt her like this but here I am messing things up again for us."

"We-I think we should talk."

A voice from behind both of the girls startles them as they whip around and see Quinn standing there in an oversized knit cardigan with a beanie twirling around in her hands to stop her from pulling down on the sleeves of her sweater. Her eyes are darting between Rachel's eyes and Santana's and both brunettes can tell that she's just barely keeping herself from crying.

Rachel and Santana both jump up from their seats but it's Rachel that actually moves up to Quinn and wraps her in a hug, whispering softly in her ear that it's going to be okay as she gently sweeps her hands down the length of her arms and softly grasps her beanie and guides her to go sit down.

Rachel is so gentle with the both of them as she makes sure they're both okay before she quietly says, "I'm going to go and make some tea for us. I think we're going to need some. I promise, if you need me I'll be here, but until you do, you both can do this on your own, I won't intrude. I love you both, and you've both got my support from the kitchen."

She takes the time to reverently place the beanie carefully on her bedspread before making her way to the kitchen to make tea, and possibly start making dinner. She focuses all of her attention on the tasks she's set herself in a desperate attempt to give them some privacy. God knows they haven't been allowed that the past evening.

Quinn for her part keeps her gaze away from Santana, in an attempt to not make her feel guilty. Santana knows and that breaks her heart in different ways because she's the one that messed up, and here Quinn is trying to make this easier for her.

The blonde is surprised when Santana scoots closer to her and tentatively reaches out a hand to hold hers, offering up her hand and letting Quinn decide whether or not she wants to allow the contact or not.

The blonde never could deny the tiny brunette's in her life anything.

Quinn gently places her hand in hers and Santana waits until hazel eyes meet her brown ones before she whispers brokenly, "I'm sorry I'm such a fucking shitty friend Quinn."

Quinn bites her lip and remains silent because she doesn't think she can say anything even if she wanted to.

The brunette takes in a shuddering breath and continues, "I-I definitely wasn't doing my part last night as your best friend. And I'm apologizing for that too. I know what I didn't do hurt you and I don't think that I have an excuse other than I just didn't know what the hell to do."

Santana leans over towards the coffee table and picks up the godforsaken journal and offers it to Quinn, "The...girl from last night? She...She got her hands on this. It's mine. And she got it and read it...I didn't realize it was missing or that anyone was reading it..."

The blonde for her part is listening to Santana as she also flips through the journal, taking in her lefty's flow of written words, page after page of fully legible notes, interspersed with little drawings and tear smudges, and palm smudges from writing with different ink and trying to get used to new pens and Quinn's eyes tear up as she continues to hear and see what's before her.

"I'm sorry for my inactions Quinn. I love you, and I swear if I was of sound mind I would have taken that bitch all the way to the fucking center of the Earth for even thinking about bringing up you in any capacity. I'm so sorry I wasn't more careful with my journal. I'm sorry I didn't realize what was happening. This is all on me and I messed up and I love you and babygirl B-Beth and I swear I would give anything to be able to go back and not be drunk last night and not be so blasé with my things, and I definitely would want to go back to when I even considered letting that chick come here while I grab a change of shoes one day and I swear Q, I promise you I never once betrayed your trust. Fuck-I'd eat my own left arm before I ever even pretended to consider betraying your trust in me...You-You mean too damn much to me to just give it all away like that."

Quinn quickly puts the notebook back on the coffee table before launching herself at the brunette, "Oh San. Come here, I know, I know sweetheart." Quinn holds her tight as Santana cries as she herself holds Quinn as the blonde tears up and allows herself to cry.

"I-I swear I didn't," Santana whispers tearfully into her ear, and Quinn nods her head, "Shh, I know San...I know, I believe you. It's gonna be okay...we're gonna be okay, I promise. I love you too S."

Between the pair of them, it takes them a while before they're both okay enough to attempt speaking again.

They both sit back straight, but neither ventures far from the other, choosing instead to remain as close as possible, without actually being in each other's lap.

Santana is holding onto Quinn's hands in her left, as her right is wrapped around Quinn's shoulders. Quinn looks up at the brunette just simply watching her before finally speaking.

"I don't blame you."

Santana's eyes widen immensely at that and Quinn quickly raises a hand to stop her from attempting to speak, "I'm serious S. I don't blame you. I had all night to think about it. I had all day today to process...and I really don't blame you, and now finding out that you actually didn't tell anyone anything...it's like well I doubly don't blame you for anything now."

She quietens and starts playing with Santana's left hand, but the brunette knows not to interrupt now.

"It hurt last night when this stranger just walks up to the both of us and starts talking about things like she was there, like she knows what the hell she's talking about and...it's the way she said those things. I knew then that it couldn't have been anyone else that told her because it was like hearing you say those things..." she pauses and her eyes flick up to meet Santana's and saying, "before the questioning and the awfulness San...that was not you."

The blonde takes a breath and then reverts her gaze back to their intertwined hands, "I felt so hurt then because I thought you had talked to this person about me and my life and my struggles and it just, she came out sounding so indifferent, so offhanded, that I just couldn't believe that that's how you viewed me after all this time. That even now you still hated me just that little bit to want to cause me harm in any way possible."

Santana shakes her head but dutifully remains silent, her heart aching just thinking about what that must have been like for Quinn.

"And, I know rationally you were really drunk, but I kept waiting for you to come to your senses to tell her to at least shut up, or fuck off or, or something."

Santana snorts slightly at the curse rolling off Quinn's tongue so unaccustomedly, and Quinn shrugs her shoulder and continues, "And that never came, and all I could think was yes, yeah, there it is, payback for everything I've ever done to you. This was it, this was what was going to finally seal the deal with my fuck ups. Reliving everything wrong I've ever done, everything I've ever been through, and having my best friend, my confidante, just sit there and watch me get torn down but this insignificant human."

Quinn takes a deep steadying breath, "And then you laughed and said something about epic breakdowns and Rachel and all I could think was shit your best friend is really shit faced right now."

The blonde cracks a tiny smile and Santana chuckles as she nods her head. Quinn squeezes her hand gently and continues playing with the brunette's fingers, "I was hurting, but you were drunk, and I love you, and there was no way was I going to just fucking leave you there, even if I really didn't feel like looking at your face then...because all I could do was want to cry."

Santana reaches up to wipe away a lone tear that escapes and makes its way down Quinn's cheek as she says this and she keeps her palm resting against her cheek, thumb gently caressing back and forth, silently apologizing for everything.

Quinn breathes deeply before letting the breath out and continuing, "I brought you home...And the whole time all I did was think about everything. By the time you were waking up I had to leave because I needed to sort out my head before I saw you. I didn't want to blow up at you first thing when you woke up, and I needed time to really think before either of us said anything we'd regret later."

When Quinn stays silent for longer, and it doesn't appear she's going to speak up again, Santana hesitantly asks, "What would you have said that you might have regretted later?"

The blonde looks her in the eyes for a beat before looking down at their hands, "I would have told you that I'm going to walk away from this friendship and I would have yelled and been cold and mean and not me at all and you'd realize I was being cold Quinn and you'd know I was closing in on myself and you'd have let me because that's what we did back in high school...you'd let me cool off and then we'd figure things out...but it wouldn't have gotten to that because I'd have just given up and pushed everything back in your face."

Santana nods her head in understanding, "I'm glad I didn't decide to follow you then."

"You always did know when to give me space to think."

The brunette nods her head, "I just wasn't sure this was the right decision this time along. I didn't know I even had a chance in ever being able to explain anything to you, let alone actually be fixing this and allowed anywhere near you."

Quinn shakes her head, "It isn't your fault that you apparently have horrible judgment when it comes to anyone who isn't Britt, Rachel or I."

The brunette gives her a smile at that but defends herself, "That's not true at all though...I totally knew that Brody douche was a lying sneak."

Quinn acquiesces and acknowledges that, "Yes, okay, I'll give you Brody. You knew something was up with that horn-dog."

The two of them sit in comfortable silence, just breathing it all in. And then Santana is wrapping her arms around the blonde, and pulling her close and hugging her with everything she is, and having Quinn return the hug with the same enthusiasm.

"I love you Q." Santana whispers into her ear tearfully, honestly.

And Quinn squeezes her that much tighter as she nods and whispers back, "I love you S."

The smell of something delicious hits them both at the same time as they take in a whiff of the aromas coming in from the kitchen and both stomachs growl in hunger.

Santana grins at her before standing up and taking hold of Quinn's hand and pulling her along, "Come on…I think we earned the right to eat all of Rachel's food."

Quinn grins back at her and nods her agreement, "Oh definitely."

Rachel has her back towards them and is diligently keeping an eye on the tea kettle as she continues to sauté the vegetables before she adds the rice.

Quinn looks over at Santana and they share a look before they both make their way over to Rachel and carefully wrap their arms around her once she's clear of any flame or danger. The resulting squeak has the two in stitches as they continue hugging her tightly to their bodies.

Rachel basks in the rare occasion of having both girls in such affectionate moods, as she barely manages to turn around to give them both her own arms to properly hug them to her, "Hungry?"

Quinn bites her lip, loving just how well Rachel knows them enough not to push and bring up the elephant in the room, "Famished." She glides her lips against Rachel's exposed neck for a quick kiss to express her gratitude.

Santana nods her head and places her own kiss to Rachel's forehead, giving her an added wink, "Fucking starving here Hobbes."

Rachel bites her lip as she watches Quinn take a step back, followed by Santana and rolls her eyes at them both, "Dinner will be ready in about fifteen…I'll get the tea cups-"

Santana shakes her head as she hip-checks her on her way to the cupboards, "Nah Rach…I got this, don't let dinner burn for the love of everything good."

Quinn chuckles as she hops onto the kitchen table, and just watches her two brunettes conduct this seemingly effortless waltz with each other, both having apparently done this numerous times.

On one pass by, Santana leans in to quickly whisper a sincere and heartfelt thank you and, "Next time I ever wonder if this is worth fixing, you fucking tell my babygirl Britts to kick my ass with you."