Who's the god NOW?
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that I shouldn't be...
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Mary-Sue parody... I just read too many Mary-Sue fics as of late and I just HAD to write something…! Thank you for reading and please review! I hope you like it!
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It was…dark. Very dark.
As in…pitch black.
A lone, hooded, cloaked, generally mysterious figure walked warily through the dense forest… All that was heard was the hoots of the scary owls and the creature's steady breath… The spooky and oh-so-mysterious figure was radiating power and dangerousness… A shiver ran down Lieutenant Finnegan's spine as he swiftly aimed his new Flamethrower at th – Huh? WOOPS! Sorry, my mistake.
Where was I?
Mithrandir: Where the creature was causing an acoustic wave of power…
Story-teller: Oh, yes, I remember! Now off you go, you're not in this story. Maybe next time… Buuut, thank you for participating anyway…! A new wand made from… Mister Olivander is yours! Don't forget to tell your friends of your wonderful experience in our show 'Middle- Buck is Here'! Who's next on the line, John?
John, the camera-man: AHEM –story- AHEM!
Story-teller: Story?- ahhh, he he, sorry people. Too many TV shows! There you go:
The figure dropped its hood, the sound of fabric against fabric resembling music in the ears of the four male elves that were watching… In slow motion, Elladan, Elrohir, Glorfindel and Legolas saw a cascade of red, auburn, almost the deepest crimson that looks like fire, hair dancing under the moonlight that the writer had forgotten that couldn't exist since it was pitch black but thought that 'never mind, who will notice?'… It fell in waves (the hair, not the moonlight. Come on people are you so damn stupid that you don't understand simple, chopped English?), but it was not too curly to look like Frodo sauté or too straight as if it was the way Galadriel's looked after they were pulled during that fight with Sauron, for the title of Scariest-Voice-Of-All-Times-Since-50cent.
The elves were breathless. They moved slowly closer to the magic hair, desperate to find out what sort of magical conditioner was that… Then, the figure turned around and GASP they saw a female face. They had seen one before but it was not that which stunned them. (Really now, is it my fault that you don't understand me??) It was the unearthly, amazing and indescribable beauty of the woman. She was gentle and warrior- princess. She was cool and fiery. She was… dropping her cloak to reveal a divine body, not too fat or skinny but flawless like one of the Valar. Her dark blue-emerald eyes shone with pr- prr- pre- PERCEPTION (damn it...) and utter sadness. A lone, diamond, pearl tear rolled down her cheek. She looked with her steady gaze at the elves and saw-
Wait! Was that… little hearts in their eyes?
Was that possible?
Legolas could no longer hold it. Drowning in love, he leaned in, willing to give his soul to Sauron in order to simply touch those full, juicy, pink lips… He was mere inches from her face and he felt butterflies in his stomach, staring closely into those wise yet youthful eyes of the girl… He could almost feel the- GAP!
The little hearts in the eyes of Legolas were replaced by little stars as Glorfindel emerged from behind him, swiftly throwing away the large rock he was holding and leaning in, too…
Soft music played in the background….
He was getting closer and closer, his mouth half open, drooling helplessly when… the music stopped at a halt.
Then the light the woman was radiating started to leave her body and move upwards. She was struggling and struggling but, with a loud noise like that of a sink that was just untapped, the light went to the sky…
The four elves followed with their gaze and when they all looked back down, instead of the girl of their dreams, there was- GASP!
Someone: WATER PLEASE! THE STORY-TELLER IS DEAD FLAT ON THE GROUND! SHE'S FAINTED!
Sometime later…
Okay, okay, I'm back… Phew, that was close!
In the place of the perfect creature, stood a… not so perfect one. It was probably because of the crap brown bun or the Harry Potter glasses… Her body was rather rhomboid and she smelled faintly of Cheatos. Plus, she was on oh-so-sexy, fluffy PJ's with the logo 'Die Teachers Die' and bunny slippers. Only her smile could be described as shiny, but I guess it was the side-effect of iron.
She smiled at the elves and said seductively in her trunk-driver voice:
"Was anybody going to kiss me before we got interrupted?"
The male elves looked as if they were forced to watch a Stalone movie. Yes, it was THAT bad.
Then they eeewd and scurried off to all directions.
Later reports say that a golden haired elf was found on the highest branch of a tree, pretending to be an owl.
Also, the first foundations of Christianity in Middle Earth are rumored to have begun from three elves in desperate need to get hidden forever. The nun clothes they put on, they never dared to take off again in fear she might find them.
Disappointed, the girl crossed her arms before her chest and shouted:
"Why did you do it so soon, this time? Huh? That was NOT part of our agreement. So, I cancel MY part of the deal TOO!"
Nothing happened for a moment. Then a small rock with a note fell from the sky…
She unfolded it with her sausage fingers. She read:
"I can't let you play with my Firstborn. Now, leave the package near the trunk of the big tree. Next week, I'll send you to Lorien. You know how the goodies you bring us are precious and impossible to find in this world… The next order is:
Two chocolate bars for Me.
Brownies for Ulmo.
Vegeterian Pizza with no onion for Elbereth.
Cheeseburgers with fries for the rest.
We're counting on you.
Eru"
"Eru MY ASS!" she growled unhappy for having to return once again to her world and brrrr…. School.
She took one step forward and fell inside a hole in the ground.
Landing ungracefully on her… ahem behind, she rubbed her spine. Her war cries of anger reached Rivendell.
"AND YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE A FRIGGIN' GOD! NO, A BASTARD ADDICTED TO CHOCOLATE, THAT'S WHO YOU ARE! WAIT TILL I HAVE YOU IN MY H-"
Elrond the Peredhel had to call a new Council in order to save his people from the new, hostile sound that could kill elves in devastating numbers.
As she continued to shout, spitting all over the place, still trapped in the hole, a rock fell forcefully on her head.
She shut up, stunned.
It had a note that said:
"I changed my mind. Next week… Saruman's harem. HAH! Who's the god NOW?"
Before she was sent back, a flat, wry voice echoed from the depths of the hole.
"I hate Mondays."
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You just have to looove Garfield!
;D
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