A/N Please read and review, I know where i want to take this story but i need some encouragement. Let me know what you think :]

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the Characters, they belong to the beautiful Stephenie Meyer.

"you're not good for me, Bella."

"Time heals all wounds for your kind."

His words replayed in my mind every time I made a move to "live" my so-called life. When he left it I didn't wake up for months. He was wrong, time did nothing for me but pass slowly. I pulled my act together and focused on school, after graduation I spent the summer connecting with friends before we went in our separate directions to our new lives. Jake was my saving grace, he helped me learn to live through the pain. At first it was strange, he desired me in a different way than I did him. To be fair, we tried and he realized that the love we shared was that of a brother and sister. Agape. As the Greeks would say: unconditional, family love. It was nobody's fault, or was it their responsibility to fix me, and Jake tried arduously. Watching him suffer through observing my pain was what pushed me to try harder. I wasn't happy where I was, as I lay in this bed next to an old high school friend, but at least I was "living." Even if that meant simply going through the motions.

Mike's apartment bedroom was dark and chilly. The alarm clock on the end-table read 1:24 am. The sheets were intertwined with our bodies as I lay there thinking about how I ended up on this full-sized bed, wrapped in the arms of someone I didn't love. Carefully, I repositioned Mike's arms to free myself from this entrapment, temporarily. After slipping into my robe and tightening it I moved from the bedroom to the open living, dining, and kitchen area and switched on the lights and turning up the thermostat. Tall glass bottles and red plastic cups littered the exposed rooms. Mike's friends left earlier that night, after he had consumed his tenth beer. The stagger in his step and slur in his speech indicated that I was to keep out of his way. Sweet when sober, dangerous when drunk.

But, this was the life that was mine now. The normal path I would have followed was torn away from me after it was in my reach for so long, teasing me. My future family, gone. My love, life, meaning, gone. With just a few choice words they departed. This was fate's plan B for me, and I learned to accept this. My brief shot at happiness was over, but those few months spent with him were enough happiness to push me through the rest of my dreary existence. My memories were all I had left. Knowing that he does exist, chasing down his distractions today, let me know that I wasn't insane. But those memories were also the origin of the gaping hole in my chest, where my heart once was. Now, it was somewhere chasing those distractions with him.

As were my thoughts as I recycled bottles of beer, and threw out the plastic cups. After the apartment was no longer disheveled I snatched my copy of fragments of Sappho and began to write my paper for my civilizations class. This was the time I often set aside to finish my homework, the dead of the night was the most quiet I found with Mike on nights like this. They were occurring more frequently. Yes, he snored loudly in the other room and those harrowing memories connected with the void in my chest threatened to resurface, but this was the best I could manage. I was not in love with Mike Newton, but being in his company helped to quell the sting of loneliness since my best friend, Jake, was still in high school and protecting the people of La Push from vampires.

"but you, O blessed one,

Smiled in your deathless face

And asked what (now again) I have suffered and why

(now again) I am calling out.

And what I want to happen most of all

In my crazy heart. Whom should I persuade (now again)

To lead you back into her love? Who, O

Sappho, is wronging you?"

Days and nights had no end, as they stretched into one long continuous state of time. Leaving was the only option, I had to allow her to take her life's natural path. I had fooled myself for so long believing that I could protect her, I was an erroneous presence in her life. She so easily believed the fabrication I created, "you're not good for me, Bella" was simple, I just had to reverse the truth. It was I that was no good for her.

Jasper felt guilty for the incident on her birthday, I reassured him on the few occasions that I visited my family this was solely my fault. I couldn't stay with them because I loved them as well, and I would not have my brother consumed with my anguish. Esme and Carlisle were distressed by my constant absence but being in their presence would be more difficult on them. All that mattered though, was that somewhere in this world, Bella, still breathed. The blood still flowed through her veins, pumping her still beating heart, creating the scarlet blush on her cheeks.

She, nor my family, would never know that I never truly left her for a time. After my family traveled to Alaska I remained on the outskirts of Forks. I never saw her, but was always near enough to sense any danger that would come near her. Months slowly passed before my resolve faltered and I found myself close enough to see her. She was with Jacob Black. He was growing at a fast pace and I trusted he would be more than enough to protect her in the human world. That was the day that I truly removed myself from her and distracted myself with a feeble attempt at tracking. Victoria had evaded my pursuit again so I found myself here in Alaska, paying a intermittent visit to my family. Esme glowed when I came through the door of the Denali coven's home where they were staying temporarily.

I'm elated to see your face son.

Welcome back.

Edward, I'm sorry.

I couldn't find Alice's thoughts near Jasper but dismissed it, maybe she had taken a solo hunting expedition. I endured the sympathetic glances, and welcoming words laced with pity and remorse. They missed her almost as much as I. Jasper fervidly filled my body with calm and peaceful emotions, but they couldn't erase my thoughts. Without her, I was empty and hollow. My existence meant nothing but continuing to survive the agonizing pain until she grew old and living a normal, happy, healthy life.

EDWARD! the thoughts of Alice increased in volume in my head.

Please, I need my best friend in my life again. You need to.. and her thoughts were cut off with a vision, that I couldn't shield. I stood and watched the vision with her in grief. She promised she would not intrude on Bella's future, but her thoughts were innocent, this vision of my angel flooded her mind on no accord of her own. The vision didn't appear to show any danger, it was her and Jacob in a hospital room. He was comforting her, something I longed to do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to it just came, I wasn't looking for it. I'm so sorry you had to see that.

"Alice, it's okay. He's there for her, and I'm pleased to perceive that she has somebody."

Four pairs of golden eyes reflecting the black pools of anguish on my face. Pity filled their faces, I turned around and left my family again. This visit had been my briefest, but was the most I had communicated to any of them after her birthday.

"Jake, I can wait a year and go to college." I pleaded with him, gripping my chest.

"Bells, you have to go. You know I won't be going next year. I have to protect my tribe. You might as well go now and get it over with as soon as possible." Jacob removed my frail arms from my torso replacing them with his. He sighed, "He would want you to be happy and do something for yourself."

Tears escaped my eyes, as I peered up at my best friend, my brother. The dating thing didn't work, it was obvious during the awkward kiss we shared at First Beach at our spot. That day he discovered that he didn't truly desire me the way he assumed, and we were both okay with that. But now, he was trying to convince me to leave. As if leaving was what was best for me, leaving has never been effective for me. If I had never left Phoenix, he would have never left me. Sobs came at the thought of never meeting him, and I regretfully tried to take back my thoughts, forcing them into non-existence. He was the reason I was placed on this Earth, even if he didn't want me.

"I promise, it will be okay." and just like that I was packed and ready to start college at the University of Washington in Seattle. Home of the Huskies. Charlie and Jake helped move me in to my dorm at the beginning of the semester, the other half of the room was vacant. The girl who was understood to be my roommate, Sarah, had dropped out before she even made it here. Mike Newton attended UW as well, but he lived off campus in an apartment his parents paid the rent for. On our first day of classes we ran into each other. Our relationship grew from the strained one that we shared in Forks. We were the only people we knew here at the university. I continued to call and talk with Jake at night, but was increasingly spending more time with Mike during the day.

At first it was the same as the first day we met, I kept the relationship platonic. Diplomatically turning him down his advances. Needless to say, Jake was busy in La Push, wolf business, and the hole threatened to pull me apart limb by limb. I called Jake one Friday night from my empty dorm room, and he was out running patrol. Mike had invited me to his apartment earlier in the day, saying he was having a get together to meet people. As I sat on my bed with my knees to my chest, the beautiful voice came back. It was there during my weeks of recklessness, but had slowly died away after the adrenaline became a constant in my life. It was there the day I decided to let Jake in, it was the reason I did. He spoke the words verbatim from that rainy day.

"Be Happy."

Those two words were dangerous. Hopeless advice, there was no way I could be happy. I had already tried.

"Try again."

It was an hour before I finally resolved to attend Mike's party. I was handed a red cup filled with beer upon arrival, and hesitantly sipped off it. After I finished the first, the second and third came. Before I understood what was happening, Mike's lips were crushing mine and his body pushed me to his bedroom. I lost my virginity to Mike Newton. The next morning I felt sick, my head pounded and my stomach danced ferociously. The hangover was obsolete compared to the hole in my chest, it was palpably larger continually tearing me apart. That didn't matter though. Jake wasn't here, and Mike was the only company life would allow me.

By November, Mike and I were an item. Jake was discontent with my choice, but supported my decision to move on. I hadn't been home since I began school, Mike wouldn't let me leave. He was charming, and seemed to care about me during the day. But when the nights came, and the alcohol was in his system, the volatile Mike returned. Any miniscule disturbance would send him on a rampage. I shied away from him, and the night ended in what he called "make-up sex." He never hit me per se, but there were bruises on my body nonetheless from his strong grasp too tight on my side or my arms. But I didn't leave. Being lonely was worse, I was convinced of that much.