We had a picnic today. Not a picnic, actually, more like a barbecue. It was
one of those 'just us' things – I invited Carter and Teal'C, the general,
Cassie and the doc. The weather was perfect, the food was good and so was
the company. But it wasn't right. It wasn't right… without you.
They look at me differently sometimes, all of them, but especially the doc. Because she's a doctor, she feels it more strongly. She knows she could never do what I did. I stopped Jacob from saving your life. I let you die. For Janet, that's the same thing as killing you myself.
But I know what was right. I dreamt of it, perhaps. I dreamt of you as I last saw you, drowning in your own blood, dying slowly and in pain. I dreamt of you as I knew you, complete with glasses and ruffled hair. The friend I knew, bathed in radiant light, asking me to let him go.
I let you go. I asked you where you were going. You smiled, and you said words that you never before had reason to say.
"I don't know."
You didn't know. You walked away from me and away from everything you've ever known. And I saw the tears in your eyes.
I'd seen you cry before, you know. When people left you, were ripped away from you. But I never thought you would leave us…
There's a fine line between life and death, and you walked the knife edge, barefooted, many, many times…
I believe we were lucky to keep you with us for as long as we did. Because you could never stay, could you, Daniel? Do you remember the first Stargate mission? Do you remember the Horus guard? I remember that energy staff. I remember watching him aim it at me. I remember the air filling with the coppery odour of blood… and I remember the sudden realisation that it wasn't my blood.
I've watched you die before, Daniel. I saw you bleed to death right there. Because you could never stay with us. You escaped death so many times… and each time, you came back to a life a little more bleak, a little more dark, a little less… worth living.
When we were all addicted to that damned light, that was a bad time. I'll never forget where I found you that morning. I'll never forget what might have been, if I had been only a few seconds later. But of everything I remember, it's the lack of something that stands out the most vividly. The painful, horrific understanding that I wasn't surprised. Shocked and startled and guilty and shit-scared, but not surprised.
Imagine, Daniel, if you will, I wasn't surprised you wanted to die. The possibility of any kind of withdrawal simply never crossed my mind before that. I wasn't surprised you could have died by your own hand. We all say, life's a bitch, but it was true for you.
So I guess I've been preparing for this since the moment I met you. I always knew that one day, there wouldn't be a miracle. One day, you'd reach the edge of the abyss – and you wouldn't come back.
I've seen you in all your moods, Daniel. I've seen you angry, optimistic, cynical, melancholy, heartbroken and plunged into the depths of grief. Once on Abydos, I saw you happy and in love.
You know what I have to do tomorrow, Daniel? I have to return to Abydos, and tell Kasuf he's lost another child. First Sha're… now you. I have to tell him that the destroyer of Ra, and friend to all his people, is dead.
I only hope that wherever you've gone, Sha're is waiting.
Are you dead, Daniel? Are you out there where I can't see you, ascended beyond my vision? And do the dead we have loved ever leave us? Will we ever forget you?
We had a picnic today. Not a picnic, actually, more like a barbecue. It was one of those 'just us' things – I invited Carter and Teal'C, the general, Cassie and the doc. The weather was perfect, the food was good and so was the company. But it wasn't right. It wasn't right… without you.
But we remembered you. We loved you… and we set you free.
*fin*
They look at me differently sometimes, all of them, but especially the doc. Because she's a doctor, she feels it more strongly. She knows she could never do what I did. I stopped Jacob from saving your life. I let you die. For Janet, that's the same thing as killing you myself.
But I know what was right. I dreamt of it, perhaps. I dreamt of you as I last saw you, drowning in your own blood, dying slowly and in pain. I dreamt of you as I knew you, complete with glasses and ruffled hair. The friend I knew, bathed in radiant light, asking me to let him go.
I let you go. I asked you where you were going. You smiled, and you said words that you never before had reason to say.
"I don't know."
You didn't know. You walked away from me and away from everything you've ever known. And I saw the tears in your eyes.
I'd seen you cry before, you know. When people left you, were ripped away from you. But I never thought you would leave us…
There's a fine line between life and death, and you walked the knife edge, barefooted, many, many times…
I believe we were lucky to keep you with us for as long as we did. Because you could never stay, could you, Daniel? Do you remember the first Stargate mission? Do you remember the Horus guard? I remember that energy staff. I remember watching him aim it at me. I remember the air filling with the coppery odour of blood… and I remember the sudden realisation that it wasn't my blood.
I've watched you die before, Daniel. I saw you bleed to death right there. Because you could never stay with us. You escaped death so many times… and each time, you came back to a life a little more bleak, a little more dark, a little less… worth living.
When we were all addicted to that damned light, that was a bad time. I'll never forget where I found you that morning. I'll never forget what might have been, if I had been only a few seconds later. But of everything I remember, it's the lack of something that stands out the most vividly. The painful, horrific understanding that I wasn't surprised. Shocked and startled and guilty and shit-scared, but not surprised.
Imagine, Daniel, if you will, I wasn't surprised you wanted to die. The possibility of any kind of withdrawal simply never crossed my mind before that. I wasn't surprised you could have died by your own hand. We all say, life's a bitch, but it was true for you.
So I guess I've been preparing for this since the moment I met you. I always knew that one day, there wouldn't be a miracle. One day, you'd reach the edge of the abyss – and you wouldn't come back.
I've seen you in all your moods, Daniel. I've seen you angry, optimistic, cynical, melancholy, heartbroken and plunged into the depths of grief. Once on Abydos, I saw you happy and in love.
You know what I have to do tomorrow, Daniel? I have to return to Abydos, and tell Kasuf he's lost another child. First Sha're… now you. I have to tell him that the destroyer of Ra, and friend to all his people, is dead.
I only hope that wherever you've gone, Sha're is waiting.
Are you dead, Daniel? Are you out there where I can't see you, ascended beyond my vision? And do the dead we have loved ever leave us? Will we ever forget you?
We had a picnic today. Not a picnic, actually, more like a barbecue. It was one of those 'just us' things – I invited Carter and Teal'C, the general, Cassie and the doc. The weather was perfect, the food was good and so was the company. But it wasn't right. It wasn't right… without you.
But we remembered you. We loved you… and we set you free.
*fin*