Author's Note: Unbeta'd, lots of Italics (probably too much), not too Kurt/Blaine friendly, reference to the film Practical Magic (with explanation at the end). Thanks for reading!
Kurt slammed his front door shut and went to plop down onto the couch as tears streamed down his face. He dashed at them furiously and crossed his arms like he'd crossed his legs. His chin tilted and his pert little nose went up in the air. He was done with boys. He'd get a sex change and find the Portia to his Ellen. Or was he the Portia...? That didn't matter now. What mattered was that Blaine Anderson had broken up with him. As usual, he'd done it with the tackiness of a pair of rainbow tie-dyed stirrups and white penny loafers - in public, right there in the middle of the Coffee Bean.
"Kurt, this just-isn't going to work."
Kurt had frowned at Blaine over his beverage. "What?"
"Well, us."
And why? Kurt tightened his folded arms, and tilted his chin up further to hold back the new tide of tears threatening in his eyes. Honestly, some part of him had known what Blaine would say next and had known for a very long time.
Kurt, I really, really care about you. I do. It's just that, you're too much. At first, I thought we might complement each other, but I really think I need someone more ...normal. You're very special, Kurt, and you thrive on being special. I'm all about blending, and it's been very hard to be myself these past few months with you. You seem to overshadow everything and it's really demanding being with you. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
He'd given Kurt a face that Kurt used to adore - that "I can't help it- Love me anyway?" face that would usually get him out of any awkward situation. Then he just left like a natural disaster, cluelessly destroying in seconds what it had taken years, decades (okay, months in this case) to build!
How dare he do this! Kurt blinked rapidly until his tears dried. Well, he would not let any more thoughts of Blaine the Pain Warbler clog up his mind. No, he was much too special for that. Special boys deserved to have someone equally as special - not hypocrites who claimed to abhor spectacles yet thought a coffee shop was the perfect place to leave a slack-jawed, visibly heartbroken ex-boyfriend. He tried to think pleasant thoughts about kissing Rachel Berry - but that only brought up bad memories and, almost, his lunch. He wouldn't be joining Ellen's ranks any time soon. He rolled his shoulders back. But he was done with "normal" boys like Blaine. He needed a special boy.
A perfect boy.
The idea sparkled in Kurt's mind, and he pulled a pen and paper out of his bag, sniffling as he wrote PERFECT BOY (other than me) on the page and underlined it. Kurt glowered at the piece of paper, mind racing with things to write down. Who was this fantastic person? This obviously fictional person. A smug grin curled on his face as he wrote Perfect Boy's first trait.
Not Vertically Challenged
Not a moment later, Finn swung open their front door and his forehead hit the top of the door jamb. Finn winced and shut his eyes.
"Ow."
Then he ducked through the doorway and threw his bag on the floor before jogging to his room. Kurt added (in ANY way) to his first trait. He'd be a perfect height, since giants and hobbits tended to really hurt his feelings.
What next? Oh, this was tres important -
Loves fashion.
He squinted at this one. Blaine had enjoyed fashion - they used to spend hours pouring over Vogue together, and Kurt recalled listing that as the 109th reason why they were destined to be together. All of the fashions in the world had excited them, yet Kurt couldn't wear one kilt to the prom! He amended this one, too.
Loves MY fashion.
Out of that trait spawned another. Kurt allowed that he was a bit demanding - after all, it was a familiar refrain out of his father's mouth. The man loved him, anyway, and was willing to face threatening phone calls and school administrations for him. He'd never give up on Kurt. He wrote this down with tremoring hand.
Must like Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, in all of his singularity, forsaking all others.
Kurt bit has bottom lip and scratched out the word "forsaking." Too religious for his tastes. In spite of was better.
Magnifique!
Moving on, what else would he require? Kurt pressed the end of the pen to his bottom lip and conjured up a picture of Blaine in his mind. It was depressing, how easy it had been for him to get lost in those dark eyes; in the gleam of his sleak, dark hair...even Finn had similar looks. Kurt groaned at his own predictability and noted that any hair or eye color that could not be described as "dark" would also be ideal.
Kurt almost wrote must be similar to me, but something made him hesitate and think of his father. Burt worshipped football and thought plaid was the height of fashion, but Kurt loved him so much. And despite all of his flaws, he had found Finn's silly naivete endearing. They inspired him to wisely re-think this sentiment. It became:
Unique in his own way.
Next came Sensitive and Aware of Others. He heard tripping down the stairs and turned around to see Finn in their kitchen, mouth glued to the opening of the milk bottle. He was sure that some of it spilled onto the floor that Carole had just mopped yesterday, and equally as sure that Finn wouldn't clean it up. Sensitivity and awareness went a long way.
He hastily scrawled Cute on the list. Crossed it out and wrote Good Looking. Then Kurt lifted his chin, rolled his eyes and admitted the truth.
Hot.
It was completely superficial, and he felt the sting of guilt for a few seconds. Despite his mild discomfort with...sexual things, he still had that stack of magazines April had given him the year before. If he was going to create the Perfect Boy, he might as well be perfectly formed.
Kurt rounded out his list with Musically-Inclined and Optimistic to end on a more respectable note, and then nodded at the paper before him. He dropped the pen into his bag and brought the list to his lips, kissing it. It was his very own Amas Veritas.** Sadly (fine - amazingly), he was blessed with an extraordinary set of pipes and not the ability to make rose petals fly into the night sky a la the young Camilla Belle.
He broke from his list and sighed just as the doorbell rang. He got up, opened the door and smiled into the familiar face of Sam Evans.
"Hi! Looking for Finn?"
Sam smiled back and shook his head. "No. Actually, I was looking for you."
Kurt took a step back, eyes widened. He looked the waiting Sam up and down - and noticed that Sam was wearing one of his shirts beneath his letterman jacket.
"Come to tell me how much my outstanding clothing collection has changed your life?"
Sam smirked and looked down at the item of clothing. "No, but this shirt is pretty awesome."
Kurt gestured to the sky and preened under the compliment. It was nice to know that someone appreciated his fashion sense. Someone with green eyes. And blond hair (from a bottle, but still, not dark). And a body that Kurt could definitely see himself...appreciating. No.
"What do you want, Sam?" Sam blinked at Kurt's sudden irritation, and Kurt was only slightly mollified when Sam's cheeks flushed red.
"Breadsticks. Do you wanna go to Breadsticks? I still have the certificates from the duet competition, so it'll be free."
Kurt's shoulders drooped, and he folded his arms. "And being seen on a date with the gay kid doesn't scare you?"
He wasn't feeling very charitable, and he almost slammed the door in Sam's face during the pause that followed. Sam stood with his lips parted, eyes staring somewhere above their heads as he searched for the right words to say.
"It wouldn't be a date with the gay kid," Sam said firmly. He looked Kurt straight in the eye. "It would be a date with a totally cool guy. Or whatever you want it to be. I know you just broke up with Blaine, so no pressure. I don't care what anyone else thinks."
Once again, Kurt was slack-jawed. First, because he knew that Mercedes couldn't keep a secret! The whole Glee club probably knew he was boyfriendless. Second, there was a whole litany of memories and questions whirring through Kurt's mind. So, was Sam officially gay now? Why hadn't he used those certificates? Did he know how sensitive and aware he was being? It even crossed Kurt's mind to go check the couch and see if his list was still in his notebook.
"So, are we hanging out?"
No. It was on the tip of his tongue, waiting to jump out at the unassuming blond. It irked Kurt that Sam could stand there looking so relaxed, as if it were natural for him to ask Kurt out. Inside, Kurt's blood was racing, pushed by the combined powers of shock and hope; urged to pump new life into Kurt's broken heart. He was nowhere near ready to be healed, but the possibility seemed to be standing in front of him - to alleviate some of his hurt, to get back at Blaine and show him that no, he hadn't ruined Kurt's whole world. Maybe be loved again.
Kurt didn't believe in God, so he didn't dare attribute this circumstance to divine intervention. It was all just a cosmic joke, he was sure - maybe he should be careful what he kissed for (ha!). But in many ways, he believed in Sam Evans. He realized that he had never been given a reason not to. That was reason enough to take a chance, list or not.
He took a step forward and unwound his arms, throwing them stiffly along his body as he gave Sam a tentative smile.
"Yes. I'd love to go with you."
And it was one of many perfect times with the perfect boy to come.
**Amas Veritas is the True Love Spell from the movie Practical Magic, starring Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman.