Disclaimer: Transformers is property of Takara-Tomy and Hasbro. I'm just borrowing it.
"Gentlemechs, I've called you all here to present some research that I was commissioned to undertake by Elita One," Nightbeat said to the premier medics and scientists at Autobot headquarters. "Every decavorn, a small but non-negligible number of femmes leave their homes with the intention of reaching Decepticon territory and are never heard from again."
"Why would they do something like that?" First Aid asked, aghast.
"Approximately 80% of the departed femmes expressed romantic interest in members of the Decepticon high command. While phrases like 'I want to jump Megatron's electrodes' or 'I hope I can have Starscream's sparklings' or 'Soundwave is so dreamy' were not the norm, they were in evidence. I have tentatively labelled this situation Amorous Deceptophilia, but I'm willing to bow to your experience for an official name."
"I think we can all agree that the name will do for now," Ratchet said. No-one contradicted him. "You've obviously done a lot of work here, Nightbeat. Do you have any data on the sort of femmes most likely to run off?"
"I do, indeed, Ratchet. The first type of femme was attracted to strength and direct action, while tending toward submissive roles in their own life. It is more than likely that they had abusive past relationships with mechs. The second type of femme was attracted by physical beauty, verbal skills, and dramatic flair, but distinctly undervalued honesty. The third type of femme wanted a mech who expressed himself through actions and liked sparklings. Unfortunately, these femmes had a tendency to run at the vocaliser."
"How many of the runaways expressed interest in the Decepticon manifesto?" Perceptor asked.
"Remarkably few. One of the common conversational themes among the departed femmes was that they thought they could influence their desired mech towards more moderate behaviour, or that the mech in question was merely misunderstood and needed love to pacify him."
"I think I'm going to purge my tank," Ratchet complained. "Basically each of these femmes was severely delusional."
"I believe that is a safe assessment," Rung, the Autobot chief psychiatrist said.
"The complete report has been downloaded to the medical database. I leave the situation in your capable hands, gentlemechs," Nightbeat said before leaving the room.
The scientists and medics waited for a couple of minutes after Nightbeat left before resuming debate.
"If a femme ever came into my med bay and mentioned being in love with a Decepticon, I'd smack her in the head with a wrench and hope it knocked some sense into her," Ratchet complained.
"That's…That's barbaric!" First Aid blurted.
"Actually, Ratchet's method has some scientific backing," Perceptor cautioned. "It has been my experience that tiny short-circuits in an individual's processors can lead to highly unusual behaviour. These short-circuits are caused by errant linkages laid down by repair nanomites, foreign object debris like dust, or even conglomerations of inactive nanomites. The former cause often requires microsurgical intervention, but the latter two causes can often be rectified by percussive maintenance."
"Percussive maintenance?" First Aid asked.
"A sharp blow, like a smack," Hoist clarified.
"Or a wrench to the head," Ratchet said with a smug look.
"Less than 40% of spontaneous glitches can be traced to loose object short-circuits," Rung cautioned. "And while delivering smacks can be therapeutic to the practitioner and is the most cost-effective method of ruling out loose object short-circuits, it has a tendency to engender long-term resentment towards the medical establishment. Perhaps we should look at a more comprehensive approach to this problem? Especially given that at least 50% of glitches can be traced to aggregate programming issues, not physical faults."
"Talking through every femme's problems as a way to figure out why she likes Decepticons is going to take too long. We don't have enough psychiatrists to make that work without locking up the 'Con-fanciers until we get a bed open," Ratchet said.
"Perhaps we could redirect the interest of some of the femmes towards Autobots that express traits similar to their preferred Decepticon?" Perceptor suggested.
"Like who?" Ratchet asked.
"Hmm. Femmes attracted to direct and forceful mechs could be pointed towards Sunstreaker or Ironhide," Wheeljack suggested.
"Not Ironhide. Chromia would kill us for that," First Aid cautioned.
"Mechs with stable femme partners are off the list," Ratchet agreed.
"Brawn and Huffer are fairly direct and forceful," Hoist suggested.
"Warpath hasn't had a date in a while," Wheeljack added.
"All good ideas," Rung said.
"What about femmes who like narcissistic drama queens?" Ratchet asked.
"Those aren't the terms I'd use," Rung muttered.
"Tracks," Perceptor, Wheeljack, Hoist, and First Aid said simultaneously.
"Smokescreen would probably fit in that category, too," Wheeljack added.
"Okay. Now we need a mech for the femmes that like the strong, silent type," Ratchet said.
"Omega Supreme easily fits both categories," Perceptor said. "Grimlock is sufficiently strong, but he has a tendency towards boastfulness."
"Prowl might work, too, but he's not very well inclined towards sparklings," Hoist cautioned.
"The only free mech I can think of that really likes sparklings is Blaster, but he's not what you'd call quiet," Ratchet said.
"That's enough of a sample for me to get started with," Rung said. "I'll check through my files to find other candidates for each group. Some of the afflicted femmes aren't going to accept redirection, though. They will be certain that their object of fixation is the only mech for them."
"We can't just let them run off to the Decepticons. Who knows what will happen to them in 'Con hands?" First Aid said.
"If we can sufficiently thin the number of cases by redirection or 'percussive maintenance', there should be sufficient numbers of psychiatrists to treat the rest of the patients with talk therapy or microsurgery, as required. We will, though, have to keep them in protective custody until their treatments are completed," Rung said.
"As long as we can do something for them besides locking them away, I think we have a good start," Ratchet said.
"You're serious?" Elita One asked.
"Yes ma'am," Ratchet said.
"You actually want to begin a public relations campaign that whores out your own soldiers, while advising my femmes that they should smack around anyone who expresses affection towards a Decepticon?"
"Yes, ma'am," Ratchet repeated.
"And if the affection continues, they should be locked in a psychiatric ward and treated for a major glitch?"
"Yes, ma'am," Ratchet said a third time.
The datapad containing the report flew from Elita's hand to strike Ratchet in the forehead. To his credit, he didn't even flinch.
"This has to be the most patronising, misogynistic, idiotic plan ever to cross my desk, Ratchet. Get out of my office," Elita One growled.
"So, mighty Megatron, how fares your harem?" Starscream asked in his usual smug squeal.
"Well, thank you, Starscream. For once, one of your idiotic plans has worked," Megatron replied. "These new femmes will help us replenish the ranks of my army, whether they want to or not."
"Provided the three of us keep…busy," Starscream said with a nod to Soundwave.
"Indeed, Starscream," Megatron agreed. "Soundwave, what is your progress with the next phase of the propaganda campaign?"
"Misinformation: Planted," Soundwave answered. "Content: Angsty fanfiction."