Title: A Lesson to Be Learned
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is JKR's. In other words, the characters in this little thing.
Summary: Crack!fic. Not so much though. What happens when Harry has Lucy-pie and Nott go buy the winning lottery ticket for him? Hopefully hilarious. Go Sybill! xD HPLV mentioned...a few times.
Warnings: SLASH and a tad bit of insanity. All good, right?
Pairing: Harry/Tom-Voldie
It was a warm summer day, and the Death Eaters were on their usual run. Ah, the life one lives doing thoughtless torture and taking delight in pain (when they were actually playing poker and … DIRTY DANCING?!) – not that the Dark Lord minded, dressed in his swim shorts and relaxing in his outdoor pool at the Riddle Manor.
Yes, he didn't look hideous anymore. Yes, Harry Potter loved him and was – asking the Death Eaters to buy lottery tickets?!
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pl-"
"If you don't say yes and get the winning ticket, Lucius, I will personally blast your head off. Get Nott, as well. No need getting you raided on by passersby – you remember what happened last time, didn't you?"
Lucius had the dignity to tip his head down so his flowery sun-hat (provided by his wonderful wife Narcissa, of course) covered his pale face from view…and the blistering sunlight. He was blushing, of course. Hurrying and grabbing his replica of the Teletubbies' Tinky Winky's bag, he clutched his partner-in-crime, Benjamin Nott, and Apparated the two out of the vicinity. After muttering, "I hope the lawn mowing lady is in town."
"I WUFF YOU TOMMY!!!1!one!!eleven!" yelled Harry, dancing on the deck, since he didn't want to enter the water (yet) to hug his … boyfriend, let's say.
"Aww, it was nothing. Just a few measly tickets, you know? Wouldn't cost Mr. Malfoy that much." Boy, how he was so wrong.
Harry left the pool, in search of his favourite teacher/professor, the Wizarding and Muggle famed Seer…Trelawney.
"Sybill? Sy-"
"In the Orb Room, Harry, in the Orb Room." Floated her misty voice, past the thick, purple curtains. He pushed a set aside to find Sybill in her usual garb, glancing unblinkingly at her crystal.
"Can you do me a favour?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Can you set up that lottery stand again? You know the one…"
"…That I do."
"Lucy-pie and Naughty Nott are buying tickets for me. Think you can pick up more cash today?"
"You dare doubt me?!" she cried, finally looking at the dark-haired teen, eyes wide.
He crossed his arms in annoyance. "Why would I? You've predicted a total of 137 deaths, all of them mine, so why should doubt you? Your abilities cannot possibly be described by words!"
She sighed in relief. "Alright. Where does this money go into?" She was hopeful.
Harry granted her wish. "Well…the main fee goes to you. The other one though…" He winked, and walked out of the room, a gleeful grin on his face. The (fake) Seer chuckled along with him and packed her things, gathering all necessary for the lottery stand.
Outside, all the way in Diagon Alley, Lucy-pie and Naughty Nott…err, LUCIUS and NOTT walked down the path, going unnoticed by the pedestrians. But they were spotted by…U-NO-POO!!!
Trelawney had given word to the twins, and they had…also chuckled gleefully and evilly, which wasn't too much of a surprise, especially when it came to Harry's boyfriend's minions. They dragged the unsuspecting blondie and … Nott, and shoved them into the portal that teleported them all the way into the women's washroom stalls that Sybill claimed was her tent.
"Where are we?" asked Lucy-poo.
"Where do you think we are, you nitwit?! This is the famed stand of Seer Move-over! The Seer can predict the final outcomes of bets and stuff like that!" cried Nott, who was thinking 'blasphemy' at the fact that poor Lucius didn't know of the Seer.
"Actually, it's Seer Mower. Nott Move-over. Get it? AHAHAHAHA!" Instead of understanding the joke, Nott…moved over. Sybill (in the disguise of Mower) sighed, and waved a hand over her crystal.
"Wait. Who is this…Seer Move-over? ("MOWER!") Is…he? She? It? ("OUTRAGEOUS!") Anyways, can the Seer tell the winning ticket numbers? For the lottery of today?"
"But of course!" Sybill said, though she was still fuming over Lucius' careless words. "It's only 100 galleons per number! A discount of 500 galleons per whole ticket!"
Lucy-pie's jaw dropped and hit the floor with a painful thud as he heard the price. "B-b-but-"
"Do you want your head or Nott?!" whispered Nott harshly into his ear. Which said ear was still covered by the flowery sun-hat, which tipped over, which allowed Sybill to see who she was talking to properly for the first time, even though she knew it was Lucius.
'ZOMG He's actually wearing the Tinky Winky mask! SQUEE!!' she thought, before resuming her composure, and replying to the two … men.
"By the way, you lost 100 galleons each when you went through the portal (she patted the bag of gold on the desk she was sitting at), so you might as well take my…predictions."
Nott had to wrestle Lucy-pie's precious money bag away from him, and giving the required amount to the mysterious Seer. Lucius sat crying through the whole thing, even when they got home after buying the ticket.
"Your numbers for this ticket are…43, 5, 17, 12, 29, and 26. Would you like to-"
"No, thanks. We'll be seeing you!" Nott cried, grasping Lucy-pie by the elbow and Apparating them back to Diagon Alley. Sybill sighed. She didn't make as money last time, but 700 galleons was a lot these days, especially during the recession. She Portkeyed her way back to her rooms, waiting for Harry to collect his money.
The flowery sun-hat lay on the dirty washroom floor, neglected and forgotten.
Back at the Manor, Lucius was still crying over his loss. Draco Malfoy sneered pitifully down at his mourning father, and lay back down on one of the bathing chairs. Harry came down from the deck, since he saw that the two travellers had returned.
"Did you buy the winning ticket? Did you?" his childish voice got more excited with each passing moment. Draco put in some ear plugs.
"Yes, yes we did. We even –"
"I don't think you want to say that." Came an oily, drawling voice. Snape.
"UNCLE!!!" Harry tended to get even more out of hand when his favourite relative was around. They had found out their blood relationship quite by accident – the Potions Master sometimes wished desperately they still had Time Turners around.
"Hello, Harry. Have you been enjoying your day?"
"Yes, yes! Tommy made Lucy-pie and Naughty Nott buy the winning lottery ticket for me! I'm so happy!!" squealed Harry, twirling around on desk, dangerously close to the edge.
"They did, didn't they? Don't bother 'Tommy' so much about it, though, alright? He's very stressed." Snape looked away when his former Lord glared semi-red eyes at him, for both the nickname and the…strange, fatherly figure. Err.
"Okay, Uncle Sevvie! I'm a gonna go play inside now!" stated a hyper Harry, making his way inside. Voldie growled at the fact he missed his chance to dunk his boyfriend.
Nott breathed in a sighed with relief. Hearing so, Snape turned on him. "So, what did you do?"
Nott paled. A pissed Voldemort was one thing, but a pissed Snape... "Nothing! We didn't do anything, I swear!"
Snape raised an eyebrow, but left for his lab leaving Nott unharmed.
That evening, Harry turned on the Wizarding television for the numbers of the winning lottery ticket. Nearly everyone in the house could hear him repeating: "43, 5, 17, 12, 29, 26. 43, 5, 17, 12, 29, 26…" Over and over again.
Television: "And the winning lottery numbers for tonight are…42, 4, 16, 11, 28, and 25! Please check you tick-"
The rest was drowned out by the wailing of a very, very sad Harry.
There was a magical build-up in both the basement and library…two voices cried out two different names at the same time, louder than even Harry's sobs.
"NOTT!!!" That was Severus.
"LUC-IUS!!!" That was Tommy, nearly stumbling and saying 'Lucy-pie'. That wouldn't have been very…dignified.
The two men in question tried to run for it, but Voldemort keyed the wards so that they couldn't escape. Harry was with them when they began the interrogation.
"Alright, what the hell did you do?!" sneered the Potions Master.
"W-we went to Seer Move-over-"
"Seer who-the-what?" blinked Tom.
"Seer Mower is who they mean. I can't believe you-"
"Ahem." Everyone whirled around, startled and scared. They didn't want to find Umbridge (I would type her nasty nickname, but I'm not that kind of person) in their home.
Harry giggled, before returning to his sober mood from before. "You tried to cheat? You tried to cheat on Lady Luck and Lady Fortuna?"
Upstairs, Sybill Trelawney cheered mentally as she held the Extendable Ears that Harry had given to her for her birthday closer. This was getting interesting.
Nott nodded weakly in admittance. "We didn't know how else to get the winning ticket." Lucius continued to sob at their feet. Nott began to whimper and cry, too.
"Tommy! BAD TOMMY!" Riddle looked at Harry, startled.
"What? What did I do?"
"You told them to buy the winning ticket! You should know that they take things literally from you!" He wasn't being childish anymore, no sirree. Harry glared up at the Dark Lord.
"I…I was being literal?"
-SLAP- No one dared to breathe as the feisty Harry Potter hit his boyfriend. Voldemort held his cheek with caution. "Harry?"
"Don't be too ser-ser-ARGH, LITERAL; be more funny! But keep your logic." Harry said all of this with tears streaming down his cheeks, at the reminder of his late godfather, Sirius. He ran upstairs into his room, locking the door.
The population at the bottom of the stairs wanted to reincarnate Bellatrix Lestrange and kill her again.
Nott and Lucius (who was still out of it) swore to themselves to never buy lottery tickets of any kind ever again. Oh, and also ever consult Seers. It was a hard lesson to be learned, that fateful summer day.
Sybill Patricia Trelawney was later unknowingly called a fraud and burst into tears herself.
A/N: Plot bunny received Feb. 24th, 2009, during dinner discussing recent lottery. Spare me - plot bunnies must be destroyed one by one. xD