Disclaimer: I don't own FF8 sniffle
Stronger Than This
Quistis found Selphie at the basketball courts. The hoop still hung, although it was bent and missing its backboard and net. The damage that the missiles had done was devastating. Quistis stopped herself before her thoughts were allowed to fully develop. If they had, she would have thought that she was glad Balamb was able to avoid the attack. The damage that they had sustained was nothing compared to the destruction of Trabia. The garden was in shambles, and only remnants of its structure remained. Walls covered in ash and dirt, columns crumbling, memories scattered beneath soil; that was all that was left. A light snow had begun to fall, gracing the covering the court in a thin veil of white.
Selphie was on the far end sitting on a basketball. Her legs stretched out in front of her, and she stared blankly into the white tipped mountains. Quistis hesitated, not quite sure what she would say to the girl if she went over. She was never comfortable in these sorts of situation; the grace that others seemed to have completely escaped her.
She doesn't have anyone else right now, Quistis resolved.
She took a hesitant step forward, but her boot slipped on a piece of raised concrete that broke off. She saw Selphie turn to look, although it was obvious she couldn't have heard the noise. Even from the distance Quistis could see the sadness in her eyes. Damn, no turning back now, Quistis thought as she slowly stepped forward. She let out a deep breath; her hands unwillingly clenching into nervous fists as she walked.
She sat down shakily, folding her legs beneath her. Why am I so nervous?She hadn't known Selphie for that long, but the experiences they had shared together certainly made up for that fact. But now, it was as if the girl she had been through so much with was miles away.
"I'm sure everyone expects me to blurt out some overly positive statement," Selphie said in a low voice.
Quistis studied the girl carefully. What does she need right now?
"No one expects that of you," she began slowly, "We aren't holding you to any sort of standard. What happened was—"
"Horrible? Senseless?" Selphie interrupted.
Quistis nodded.
"I should have been here," Selphie continued. "There would have been something I could have done; somehow I could have stopped it."
"Don't blame yourself," Quistis said.
"I know, it wasn't really my fault, but still…" Selphie trailed off, seeming uninspired to finish her sentence.
Quistis could only sit there. She folded her hands in her lap, trying to think of something to say, but the more she searched, the blanker her mind became.
It was Selphie who broke the silence again. "You don't have to stay, I'll be fine." She gave a light smile, but Quistis could see the effort that it took. Her eyes were green pools of sorrow, and Quistis imagined that as soon as she did get up and leave, Selphie would burst into tears.
Briefly she considered letting that happen. She told herself that perhaps Selphie needed a good cry. They all could use one after all that had happened. However she thought better of it, realizing that if she did leave it would be more for her own comfort than Selphie's. She had to at least try.
"You don't have to pretend," Quistis said warmly, "It's just us here. I know the others, they seem so strong."
Selphie nodded in agreement, "Maybe they're the same too, not wanting to seem weak. But I still think I should be stronger than this. If all we end up doing is sitting around moping, we'll never stop the sorceress."
Quistis shook her head, "Give it time. Take all the time you need. If you wanted to stay here for a while, I'm sure it would be okay. Irvine would probably stay with you too, for as long as you needed."
Selphie had let a light chuckle escape her at the mention of Irvine's name that surprised Quistis.
"You're assuming that I would want him to stay."
Great, Quistis thought, I managed to screw that up. "I'm sorry," she said aloud, "I just thought—"
Selphie raised a hand to cut her off, "It's fine, and I'm sure a lot of people assumed the same thing. Irvine is great, but I don't have time to make him into something that he's not, or to chip away at that wall he puts up."
Quistis nodded. I can hardly blame him, she thought absentmindedly. But she wondered how long she would have been able to put up a wall around someone as kindhearted and seemingly carefree as Selphie.
Selphie seemed to read her thoughts, and smiled, much more effortlessly this time. "Maybe it would be quicker to chip away at yours."
Quistis swallowed hard, caught off guard by Selphie's remark. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"I'm talking about that tough exterior of yours Instructor. Is it because of Squall?"
Her questions were innocent enough, but a little to direct for Quistis's liking. "No, it isn't Squall."
Selphie shot her a look that said she was more than doubtful.
Quistis couldn't help but smile at the girl's reaction. "It's not," she said, a little more forcefully than she intended. It really isn't. She had given up on Squall a while ago, he was just too serious all the time, Quistis wanted someone that knew how to have fun, even if it was just an act.
The realization of what she wanted hit her suddenly, but she didn't allow herself to acknowledge the thought. Her stomach tightened when she realized that Selphie was far from finished.
"You don't seem to be very happy Quis, you tell me not to feel guilty, but aren't you taking a little too much of this on yourself?"
Quistis shifted uncomfortably on the cracked cement. When had this conversation turned to me? She gave a light shrug in a feeble attempt to dismiss the line of questioning.
Apparently Selphie didn't take the hint. "I mean you aren't an instructor anymore you should be having fuuuuuuun." Selphie stood up suddenly and gave a small jump into the air, kicking her foot up.
Quistis was glad she seemed to be loosening up, and her usual energy was returning.
"There doesn't exactly seem like much fun to be had these days," she told the standing girl.
Selphie placed her hands on her hips and gave a slight frown. "Is that anyway to cheer me up?"
Of course not. "I'm sorry, I only meant—"
Selphie reached down and gave her right shoulder a light push. "Ligthen up," she said in a soft voice.
All of a sudden Quistis felt uncomfortable sitting, with Selphie looking down at her. She rose quickly, brushing off her legs as she stood. "Maybe it's time we find the others," she said looking past Selphie.
This time the frown on Selphie's face wasn't a joke. "Am I that bad of company?"
Quistis crossed her arms and studied her boots. "It's not that all," she said quietly.
The quiet voice was a mistake. Instinctively Selphie moved closer in order to hear. Don't, Quistis pleaded silently. Selphie did the opposite, reached out and wrapped her arms around her shoulders. The first thing Quistis felt was the warmth of the girl's body. The snow had started to fall heavier and the temperature had dropped, but Quistis barely noticed. She realized that her hands were still awkwardly at her side. She lifted them to Selphie's waist, and then pulled back.
If Selphie noticed that she was uncomfortable, she didn't do anything to change it. The smaller girl just held her tighter. Quistis closed her eyes, beginning to become comfortable in the embrace. I'm the one that should have been hugging her, Quistis thought, and suddenly she felt incredibly guilty. She was about to pull away when she felt Selphie's body shaking silently. She's crying, Quistis realized.
She pulled away slightly to study the girls face. Selphie's head was hung in embarrassment. Quistis lifted it gently.
"Oh, Sefie," she murmured.
Quistis didn't have the tiniest idea why she had called her that, but the flash of recognition in Selphie's eyes seemed to make it okay.
"Quisty." Her eyes made it more of a question, and she bit her bottom lip in confusion.
The lump in her throat tightened. Selphie was still holding her, but now it was different. She stepped out of the embrace, turning her back on Selphie. She raised a hand to her mouth as it all came rushing back in vague memories. She had known Selphie; had known them all, but it had been buried somewhere. What did it mean? She wanted to know. She wanted to know everything.
"Quisty." The name again. Quistis willed herself to turn around. "Do you remember?" Selphie asked her in a tentative voice, as if fearful of the answer.
Quistis gave a shaky nod, not trusting herself to speak. Selphie was determined to make things even more difficult, and reached out to lightly grab her hand.
"Thank you for coming to check on me," she said.
Quistis felt like her skin was on fire; in a mere matter of moments everything that she had thought she known had gone out the window. She tried to contain her feelings, and to make sense of it all. She thought back to the first time she had met Selphie, she had come stumbling toward them during the middle of the mission at Dollet.
Quistis gave a slight pull of her arm, but Selphie held on. "I thought someone should."
"I'm glad it was you," Selphie replied. "Although, I never would have expected to be."
Thanks, Quistis thought, suddenly feeling like a poor substitute.
Selphie clearly caught on to her dissapointment, "No I didn't mean it in a bad way. It's just well I think I had hoped it would be you secretly."
Quistis raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"
Selphie gave a quick nod. A sudden shyness had come over her, and she didn't say more.
"Are you blushing?" Quistis asked.
Selphie took a step back, her face growing redder, "No my face is just cold."
Quistis let out a nervous giggle, by Selphie's reaction, she could tell that the girl was just as nervous as she was and couldn't help but be reassured. Suddenly the small amount of distance that was between them seemed to be too much, but Quistis couldn't bring herself to close the gap. My legs are shaking, she thought as she glanced down at them.
"Quistis…" Selphie began.
"It's cold," Quistis answered before Selphie could ask her.
"It's not that cold," Selphie answered simply.
"You just said your face was—"
"I lied." Selphie took a step toward her; more hesitant than she needed to be. Quistis wanted to show that she was willing for whatever might happen, but she didn't know how. Instead she did nothing but stand there. She wrapped her arms awkwardly around her waist; then let them fall again. Selphie's small hands were clasped in front of her; her body twisting slightly to some unknown rhythm.
If she comes any closer.
Quistis knew what she would do.
She would take the smaller girl in her arms with an urgency, as if a another missile was coming straight toward them, and this would be the only chance they would get. She would kiss her until Selphie forgot how cold the air of destruction made the world seem. Until she forgot Irvine, and Squall, and Rinoa, and sorceresses, and Gardens, SeeD, war, death, despair, all of it. She would kiss her until the snow stopped falling, and night fell, and the sun came.
Quistis smiled lightly, and not wanting to wait any longer, walked toward Selphie who also smiled freely. Maybe she read my thoughts, Quistis imagined as she reached a hand out lightly to Selphie. Quistis felt Selphie's fingertips gently grace her wrist. Suddenly it wasn't cold at all.
Another smile passed between them. The moment no longer held uncertainty, but acceptance. Quistis could tell they were both glad of that.
"SELPHIE!"
They heard a yell, and what Quistis saw over Selphie's shoulder made her heart sink.
Irvine jogged toward them.
Selphie's hand held her wrist for a few more seconds before she dropped it from her grasp. Quistis felt her hand fall heavily to her side.
Irvine gave her a nonchalant glance before turning to Selphie. "I've been looking for you everywhere. With all that's going on I didn't think you should be alone."
She wasn't alone, Quistis wanted to say, but held back.
Selphie merely smiled, and because she thought it might be appropriate, Quistis forced one to her lips as well. But nothing about Selphie's smile seemed forced. She cringed inwardly as she watched Selphie reach for Irvine's hand.
"Thank you," Selphie said to her. Quistis only nodded. Suddenly she felt very foolish and self conscious standing there with the two of them. It might as well have been her interrupting things.
Selphie gave her a glance before Irvine gently guided her away. Quistis could clearly read her green eyes.
They said that she wouldn't look back as she walked away.