A/N: Bleeeh. Okay, this is my first ficcy to be posted on FF.net (since I'm usually more of a lurker than a poster ^_^;). Anywho, this is an OLD story I wrote about a year ago, so the style's kinda... crappy. ^___^ That and apparently adjectives were not my friend... By the way, the SPOILERS contained in here (if any) are very, very minor. There's maybe one spoiler in here about the Black Rose Saga and that's it. So, here it is! A monstrosity written a while back and edited again one year later at 12 AM! ~_~;;; I want sleep.
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Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, there lived a king and his wife. The king was very strong, but only physically. Mentally, he was, shall we say, off. However, his lovely, but very frail wife, kept him on the right track. Her strong will had prevented him from making irrational and stupid moves.
Sadly, though, she died while giving birth to her only child, a boy who the crazy king decided to name Azure Blue. However, since that would sound very weird, the boy was simply called Ruka.
Because of the king's eccentricity, Ruka was given the title of "princess" instead of "prince". This complicated things. He was never allowed to play with the other boys because of the frail health he had inherited from his mother, and because the local boys didn't want to hang out with a boy whose title was "princess"; it was simply too weird for them. His sole happiness was fencing.
Well, he was only two years old, so he wasn't very good at fencing or much of anything yet.
One day, a mysteriously freakish woman came to the palace, and the king, being as weird as he was, quickly married her. He only saw the back of her head when they first met, but he knew that she was the one for him. Anyone with that kind of hair had to be a wonderful woman!
So, they had a spectacular wedding, and when the veil was removed, the king was disappointed to find that she was some freakishly evil girl who went by the name of Shiori. Actually, she as a witch, but only a third-rate one.
She moved in the next day, her only possessions being some evil books, a cauldron, a bag of apples, some condoms, and many mirrors. She also had some freakish monkey mouse that said the words "Chu chu" repeatedly. The monkey mouse frightened little Ruka, and he stayed far away from it.
Queen Shiori was very vain. Every day, she would spend hours in front of her mirrors, primping herself and asking them who was the "fairest of them all".
Unfortunately, as she was only third-rate, she always asked the wrong mirror, the Mirror of Flattery, which always told her that she was he fairest of them all.
Many years later, Princess Ruka had grown into a fine young lad. However, he still had the title of "princess", so none of the boys would let him play with them.
"That's it!" he told himself one day, pacing in his room. He had been banned by his father from the upcoming fencing tournament because "princesses can't enter the tournament". It was time to take action! It was time to journey far out to uncharted regions to speak with the Sea Witch Anthy about getting a title change, as she was the only one with the power to change the title on his birth certificate from "princess" to "prince".
"Of course, she might ask for something weird, like my voice," he warned himself. "I'd better be prepared." And so, he packed his things and prepared to leave...
That very day, Evil Queen Shiori was standing before her Mirror of Flattery. At least, she thought it was her Mirror of Flattery, but it was really just a cracked Mirror of Truth.
"Mirror, mirror, right before me,
Is there anyone prettier than I,
Shiori?" she asked, reciting the freakish little rhyme.
"Queen Shiori's quite foul to see,
For Princess Ruka's far fair than
she," the mirror retorted with a haughty little sniff.
"Hm, my stepson
with the messed up birth certificate," Shiori mumbled, rubbing her chin
thoughtfully. "How could he be more fair than I?" She narrowed her eyes and
scowled. "It is impossible! I must get rid of him..."
Princess Ruka
stood in front of the gates, taking one last look at the palace. He began to
walk off, when his stepmother, the Evil Queen Shiori rushed out at him.
"Oh
great," he moaned, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, Princess Ruka, whatever are you-"
"I'm a boy!" he snapped.
Queen Shiori scowled as her dramatic line was
cut short. "Well, where are you going?"
"To, uh..." He glanced around
nervously. "To get the mail."
Shiori blinked a few times, then shrugged.
"Okay."
Ruka stared at her for a moment, then shook his head slowly, a
little more than shocked that she was actually stupid enough to believe his
story. And with that, he walked off into the woods, leaving a trail of bread
crumbs behind him so that he could find his way back later, when he would
finally have the title of "Prince". Little did he know, the Evil Queen Shiori
sent Chuchu out after him to eat all of the bread crumbs so that Ruka could
never find his way back. Cackling to herself, then coughing freakishly, Shiori
went back into the castle to brush up on her third-rate spells.
When
Ruka finally reached the grotto of the not-so evil Sea Witch Anthy, he was
shocked to find that some crazy vigilantes had already gotten to her, stabbing
her with about a million swords, give or take a few. Scowling, he turned back in
hopes of finding another way of changing his title. However, he was shocked to
find that his bread crumbs were gone! And so, poor little Princess Ruka wandered
aimlessly though the dangerous and spooky woods.
Along his way, he met
many interesting people. One was a young lad who looked disturbingly like Sea
Witch Anthy. The young Anthy-esque boy smiled at Ruka and offered him a pretty
black rose.
"If you prick your finger on this rose, you'll be granted a long
nap, fair Princess," the little disturbing boy said in a persuasive voice.
Ruka thought it over for a moment. He was tired, but he was also
annoyed that the boy called him "princess". "I'm a boy!" he snapped, then
stabbed the disturbing little boy. Do not worry, the little boy was already dead
years ago.
Ruka then came across a wonderful looking house made of
gingerbread, among other things. He was very hungry, but he was wary of the
person standing in front of the house. She had an abnormally large head and was
abnormally perky.
"Hi!!!" she greeted... a little too cheerfully.
"Wanna take a bite of this house?!!!! All the sugar can keep you energized for
hours!!!"
He then heard a small cry from inside. It was a pleading voice,
begging for help. He recognized it as the voice of local boy Tsuwabuki Mitsuru.
"Heeeelp meee...."
Thoroughly freaked out, but also very hungry, he was
caught between the choice of skewering the girl, or eating. Luckily, he didn't
have anymore time to choose, because a strange wolf wearing a pink wig jumped
out at the girl and ate her.
"Excuse me," he said, tapping Princess Ruka on
the shoulder. "This is the grandmother's house, isn't it?"
"No..." Ruka said
slowly. "This is the abnormally perky Onion Princess' house."
"Damn!" the
pink-wigged wolf cursed. He sighed and handed Ruka a little calling card. "Here,
you look like you're in need of some help. If you're ever feeling homicidal,
just call the number and ask for Mikage." The wolf grinned ever politely and
walked away. He was the most polite wolf Ruka had ever met. Feeling a little
better, Ruka pocketed the card and continued on his journey.
It was then
that he came across a lovely, crystal clear lake. Ruka was a very thirsty
princess, so he knelt beside the lake and took a small drink of water. It was
then that a frog leaped out at him and landed on his head.
"Augh! Get off!"
he exclaimed, shaking his head furiously. The frog flew off of his head at an
alarming speed and crashed into a tree. Groggily, it regained its balance and
hopped over to him.
"Could you do me a favor?" the frog asked thoughtfully.
"Yes?"
"Could you kiss me?" the frog asked hopefully.
"What?! No!"
"Please! You don't get it! I'm really a prince named Dios, and I was turned
into a frog by an evil witch!"
"Really?"
"Yes! And I need a princess to
give me a kiss! You are a princess, aren't you?" The frog's froggy eyes
widened with hope.
Ruka scowled. "I'm a boy!"
"But you're still a
princess," the frog pointed out, causing Ruka to scowl even more.
Ruka
sighed and gave in. "Yeah, okay... I'll kiss you. But don't expect me to marry
you!" He leaned forward, and planted a dainty kiss on the frog's head. The kiss
was dainty because even though he was a boy, he was still a princess.
The
frog began to glow and then in a cloud of green smoke, he became a person... but
not Dios. He was not the lithe little Dios that rode around on white horses and
saving girls. Far from it. He was actually a she. A she with pink hair and a
boy's school uniform.
"Hey! You're not really a prince!" he exclaimed,
feeling used.
"Okay, okay, so I'm not really Dios... And why does everyone
say I'm not a prince?!" she snapped, her fragile ego nearly shattered. She was
so a prince! She was going to follow in the real Dios' footsteps!
"You are
such a liar! I never want to see you again!" Ruka sobbed. "And to think, I
wasted my first kiss on you!"
"You're a very sad little man," the
frog-prince-girl said, shaking her head. "I'm sorry. Here." She handed the
crying princess a tissue, then bounded off to find other princesses in danger,
figuring that Princess Ruka was far too weepy and masculine for her tastes.
When he finished crying, he wiped away his tears and stood up, determined to
finish his journey. However, due to his frail health and fatigue, he was feeling
horribly faint. Determined to find shelter, he trudged along, then finally gave
up in front of a tiny little cottage... Sure, he could've used what energy he
had left to walk into the tiny little cottage, but where's the drama in that?
It was a day or so later when
Princess Ruka woke up. When he opened his eyes, he found three bishounen staring
at him. One had very long red hair, and he was very pretty... but he looked
horny. The second had very dark skin, a funny dot on his forehead, lavender
hair, an earring... he, in fact, looked like a larger version of Chuchu. The
third bishounen had very pretty, long, wavy green hair. He probably used Pantine
Pro-V conditioner, and Princess Ruka made a mental note to ask the bishounen
about his hair later.
"W-who are you?" Princess Ruka asked cautiously.
"We're the seven duelists!" the dark skinned one said proudly.
"There
are only three of you," Ruka pointed out flatly.
"The others are... away,"
the horny looking one said, his voice verging on melodramatic.
"Oh... What
are your names?"
"I am Akio, the head duelist... but my 'dwarf name' is
Horny..." the man with the funny lavender hair said, almost reluctantly.
"And I... am Kiryuu Touga, but I also go by.... Sexy," he said, also quite
reluctantly.
"And I'm Saionji Kyouichi, but..." He hesitated, then sighed as
Akio, er, Horny nudged him in the ribs. "But, my dwarf name is..." He scowled.
"Slappy."
"Dwarf names?" Ruka asked, playing the part of the ever confused
yet kawaii-ly innocent princess.
"We have them because someone (A/N:
You know who you are!) forced the author to write those in. Anyway, haven't you
ever seen the-" Saionji started, but he was quickly cut off by Touga.
"Yes.
Those are our names. The others are Miki, also known as Dorky; Kozue, also known
as Easy; Nanami, also known as Obsessy; and Kanae, also known as
No-Screen-timey. However, you may only call us by our dwarf names, unless we say
otherwise, for we are very particular about it," Touga explained, his voice,
once again, melodramatic.
"No, we aren't. You're just an idiot," Saionji
muttered, his voice tinged with resentment towards the red-haired bishounen.
"Quiet, you!" Akio demanded in his deep, yet suspiciously evil voice.
"So... where am I?" Ruka asked. He was feeling very helpless, and cursed
himself for it. He knew he that wouldn't feel like a damsel in distress had his
father not been a lunatic and made him a prince instead.
"At our house in
the middle of the woods." Saionji's voice was not nice (A/N: adjectives are
fun!), matching his scowl perfectly.
"And what am I to do?" Ruka asked in
his helpless, princess-like voice.
"Well..." Akio leaned forward and
whispered in his ear. "Cook for us."
"Cook?"
Akio and the other two
nodded solemnly. "Don't tell No-Screen-Timey this, but... her cooking isn't all
that great..."
"Nor is Easy's," Touga said sorrowfully. "She's only good for
other things."
"And Obsessy somehow manages to burn even the cereal,"
Saionji sighed.
"I don't know anything about cooking! Princesses aren't
taught how to-"
"You're a princess? And you're wearing those
clothes?!" Akio paled, almost aghast. He shook his head, saying, "No, that won't
do at all! Come!" He grabbed Princess Ruka by the arm and hauled him up the
stairs. "It is time to give you a makeover!" he exclaimed in his ever evil, and
always sexy, voice.
"Yay! Yay!" the other two bishounen exclaimed, bounding
up the stairs after him.
Princess Ruka groaned and opened his eyes,
trying to recall the events that had happened. Akio the Duelist was, indeed, a
very strange man. He also was very horny, but his horniness was rivaled closely
with Touga's. Saionji was just melancholy.
Princess Ruka sat up, realizing
then that he was laying down on a lavish bed with pink sheets. He stood, and
walked over to a full-length mirror, then nearly jumped as he saw the reflection
before him. His deep cerulean eyes scanned his new attire. Before, he was
wearing clothes far too princely for a princess, but now... Now he was clad in a
true dress fit for a princess of his stature! It was the dress of the Bara no
Hime... also known as the Witch-Formerly-Known-As-Anthy. However, his dress was
far prettier than hers, because it was a color that matched his deep blue hair,
not like that icky red color of Anthy's.
He was so sure that he wanted to be
a prince, but now... now he wanted to stay a princess! He giggled and adjusted
the pretty gold crown on his head, then twirled around a bit in front of the
mirror.
Feeling refreshed, he skipped out and down the stairs, finally
meeting the rest of the Duelists. Miki sat in the corner, never speaking. The
only sound that came from him was the occasional *click* of his stopwatch.
Princess Ruka made a mental note to stay away from him because he was very
scary.
"Touga!" he exclaimed as the redhead walked in whistling some strange
tune. Immediately as that name passed his lips, the little blonde known as
Nanami immediately stepped in front of him and narrowed her pale violet eyes.
Princess Ruka thought she was cute, but also very creepy.
"Just who do you
think you are, you hussy?! Leave oniisama alone!"
Ruka blinked. Then
sweatdropped. "Sure."
"Augh! Akio! You're tracking mud all across the
floor!" Kanae shrieked abruptly, causing Ruka to jump a little.
Suddenly,
the duelists began to frighten poor Princess Ruka. They all had their creepy
quirks, which didn't seem natural to a princess from a far away land. Suddenly,
they all picked up swords and filed out of the house singing "Hi ho! Hi ho! It's
off to duel we go!"
Princess Ruka wondered why they were abandoning him,
then sighed in relief as Akio came back in.
"Now remember, Princess Ruka,
don't open the door for strangers! We'll be riiiight back," Akio warned, not
sounding evil for once. He then hurried out the door to rejoin the others,
leaving Ruka all alone.
Meanwhile, back in the palace, Evil Queen Shiori
was getting a report from Chuchu.
"Chu! Chu chu chu! Chuu.... chu chuu!!"
Chuchu said, explaining what he had seen while following Princess Ruka.
"I
see," Evil Queen Shiori murmured, rubbing her chin. She was beginning to grow
some stubble. "So, he's with the seven duelists... That's nothing a little
poisoned apple can't handle!" she cackled, and began preparing a concoction.
Ruka sighed. He was very bored and had
nothing to do. His dress was even beginning to bore him. He jumped from his seat
as someone knocked on the front door.
Cautiously, he opened the door a crack
and peered out. Before him stood a wrinkled old lady with an apple in her hand.
Sure, she was a stranger, but at least she didn't look like a third-rate witch.
"Hello?" he asked cautiously, rather than greeted.
"Hello, deary. Are
you hungry? You must be hungry! I have this offer for you, but it's only
available for one time only! If your take this apple now, it comes with a free
subscription to Duelists Monthly and you'll get a week's supply of Pantine
Pro-V! However, if your order this apple plus some shaved ice, you'll not only
get the subscription and the week's supply of shampoo, but you'll also receive
this lovely little rose signet, guaranteed to-"
As the crazy old woman was
babbling, Ruka took the apple from her hand and started eating it. He was hungry
and the apple looked pretty, unlike the freakishly wrinkled old woman with her
freakish offers.
Suddenly, he wasn't feeling too well. He coughed a bit as a
bit of the apple became lodged in his throat, then he did the only princess
thing to do. He fainted.
Evil Queen Shiori threw off her old woman
disguise and cackled. "Now I'm the fairest of them all! Mwahaha!"
She looked
at the apple in Ruka's hand, then licked her lips. All this evil work made her
freakishly hungry, so she picked up said apple.
"One little bite won't
hurt," she reasoned, but before she knew it, she had eaten the whole apple.
Feeling faint herself, she fainted (A/N: Redundancy!). However, she landed
face first in a water trough and quickly died.
When the duelists
returned and found the poor, collapsed Princess Ruka, they didn't know what to
do. So, they went coffin shopping. The first coffin they saw looked really
pretty, but it already had a little girl occupying it. The next coffin was very
lovely, but it was pure glass and may fry the body. Plus, it was far too
expensive for the duelists. So, they settled with a nice, Plexiglas coffin, and
figured that they'd just lie to Ruka if they ever got him to wake up. After all,
they knew that no princess in her right mind would want to stay in a cheap
Plexiglas coffin, and Ruka was no different.
And so, they put Princess Ruka
into the coffin and decorated it with many pretty roses. The duelists were sad
and tried to think up ways to wake him up. First, they threw water on him, then
they shook him, then they slapped him, but it was all futile. Finally, Akio
planted a tender kiss on Princess Ruka's soft, pale lips.
But, it didn't
work.
"Hm, maybe other methods will work," he murmured as he began to
remove his pants.
"No!" Touga and Kanae exclaimed at the same time,
smacking Akio over the head.
A few years passed with no
success. Eventually, the duelists got used to it and used Ruka's coffin as a
coffee table. It was a very pretty decoration and all of the guests liked it.
And then, one day, a traveling prince appeared at the cottage. However, like the
last prince encountered in this story, it was a she. This "prince" had tightly
curled orange hair and piercing emerald eyes. She was not one to be reckoned
with.
"I need a Bride," she said bluntly to the duelists.
"A Bride?"
Akio asked. "Ahh," he said with a sagely nod, "you want to challenge Tenjou
Utena, don't you?"
The Prince gave a slight nod. "And I heard you have a
princess. So, where is she?"
"Over there," Touga said with a shrug, pointing
over to their new coffee table.
The Prince, who didn't introduce herself,
but her name's Juri for those of you wondering, walked over to the coffee table
coffin, then widened her eyes. "That's just a guy in drag! Well, he is cute..."
"You think you can wake him up?" Kozue asked hopefully. She had wanted a
piece of the sleeping princess for a while, and figured that "having" him while
he's temporarily "asleep" would verge on necrophilia. And though Kozue was easy,
necrophilia was just gross.
Prince Juri nodded once more. She removed the
Plexiglas lid, bent over (as Touga and Akio checked her out her ass), and kissed
Princess Ruka softly and gently. His cobalt eyes fluttered open, and he stared
at her for a moment. Before he could recover, she grabbed him by the arm and
pulled him up.
"Ha! Now I have a bride that I can challenge Tenjou with!"
she exclaimed triumphantly, and dragged the sweatdropping Ruka out the door with
her.
"Hey, that's the guy who turned me back from a frog!" Utena
exclaimed, pointing at Ruka.
"That's the girl who can make me a prince!"
Ruka exclaimed, pointing at Anthy.
Anthy just stood there staring blankly
ahead in response to Ruka's exclamation.
Juri glanced at Anthy, then at
Ruka. "Oh well," she shrugged. She dipped Ruka back into her arms and called
forth a sword, which sprang up from his chest.
Having a sword pop up from
his insides didn't really hurt, but it did confuse him. A lot. The next thing he
knew, he was standing there with Anthy by his side, watching Juri fight Utena.
"Hey," he whispered to her, hoping that this would be his big chance to
become a prince, "you're the witch who can change the title on my birth
certificate, right?"
"I'm the Bara no Hime now."
"Uh, that's nice. So,
can you make me a prince or not?"
"I'm the Bara no Hime." (A/N: Fun with
nihongo! "Watashi wa Bara no Hime desu." ^.^;; I'll shut up now)
"Yes, we've
established that fact. So, will you do it?"
"I'm the Bara no Hime."
Screaming in frustration, Ruka tackled the aptly named Bara no Hime.
The duel stopped as the two brides rolled around the ground in a mass of
hair pulling, slapping, and scratching.
"Our brides are having a cat fight?"
Utena asked, quite perplexed.
"I guess so," Juri shrugged, almost befuddled
by the stupidity of the scene.
The two looked at each other and shrugged,
then resumed their duel. Juri was winning, as she was a far better prince than
Utena. However, as she was about to finish Utena off, she tripped over the two
fighting brides and somehow lost her rose to Utena's sword.
Anthy and Ruka
looked up from their cat fight, both sweatdropping at the sight of anger on the
duelists' faces. "Uh, we can explain?"
Juri growled and pulled Ruka up as
Utena did the same to Anthy. "That's it, we're getting married."
"What?!"
"You heard me. I'm a prince, you're a princess. I need to marry a princess."
"Wait a minute... You have a birth certificate error too?" Ruka asked, eyes
lighting up with hope and quite possibly after-fight adrenaline.
"Yes," Juri
muttered bitterly.
"That means we can switch titles!" Ruka exclaimed. "I can
finally be a real prince!"
"I don't think so," Juri said, shaking her head.
"You're going to be my princess."
"What?! No!!"
"Hey, you cost me
the duel. You are in NO position to complain right now."
And with that,
she dragged him off to her kingdom, and they got married.
And they lived
semi-happily ever after.
A/N: Wow... You're still reading this? Or did you just skip to the bottom? Anyway, I apologize that this fic sucks so bad. Oh well, stay tuned for my evil lemon fic, coming soon to a theater near you! (okay, maybe not... I can't even write lemon!)