Disclaimer1: I do not, have never, and will never lay ANY claim whatsoever to Gravitation. The text contained within is that of FANFICTION, and all claims, characters, story and copyrights belong solely to Maki Murakami.
Disclaimer2: Repeat, I do not own or claim to own to the song with in. Copyrights go to the writers, Tommy James and Elizabeth Mala Hengber. Song recording rights belong to Reba McEntire
Disclaimer3: The story within and all characters are fictitious, belonging to Maki Murakami.
Authors Note: Damn me! Okay, seriously, forgive me. I am a deep lover for Yuki and Shuichi, but I just could not get this idea to go away from my head. Once it got in there, it stuck, and held a mental gun to my mental head and said, "WRITE IT!" So, here I am, damning myself. But, all in all, I think the idea is good and am considering writing an actual story out of this. This is just the teaser/tester. If you all like it and want more of the back story that leads to this, I will deem it worthy, and write it, but only with your "O.K.'s"!
Summary: Shuichi's POV. Sonfic. Possible AU, depending on how you look at it. I dunno. If I write more on it in the future, it will be decided then. Shuichi and Yuki have split, and Yuki finally bows to his father's wishes! (As I said in the A/N, damn me!)
I left N.G. For the day. The band and I have been recording tracks for our latest album, and have all ready put the first single for it out, which means that our deadline had been set. As per usual, I had lot's of energy the day, and decided to walk through Tokyo proper. Go into the backstreet bazaars of Shibuya square.
It took a while, around an hours walk, but I finally made it to the jam-packed crossing streets of Shibuya. It always amazed me how many pedestrians progressed through here. Sometimes, I swore that the whole city was here at one time.
I stopped to take a break, looking up at the overly large television that was so popular in the square. They were playing a commercial of Bad Luck's newest single, and I was looking at myself on the big screen. I hated seeing myself on TV. Always had, and it was only made worse seeing a fifty-foot tall televised copy of myself in front of so many people; but I could not tear my eyes from the screen. Anyone, even my at-most-times-idiotic self could see that the smile plastered on the cover for the release was fake. Anybody, including myself could see the torment in my eyes.
It was a good thing that there were so many people in the square. People never paid attention to the other pedestrians here. Either worried about their job, or the local stores and restaurants advertisements, or what was plastered on this horrifically huge screen. When the commercial ended, I turned my back on it, damning myself. How could I look so happy? Still record my so beloved happy music? Without him...
As if destiny were against me, making me ironically think of the first song that I had recorded. That he had found in that park. I almost wanted to laugh, for all the irony. He was here. As if my thinking of him was his cue onto an ironic and dramatic stage, Eiri Yuki was stopped, dead in his tracks, staring at? Me.
Thousands of people
live in this town,
and I had to run into him.
When I saw him there,
on that busy street,
those feelings came back again.
I tried to act quick - to look like I hadn't noticed him. But those sexy, dangerous golden eyes drilled right through me, glued my eyes to his. He walked to me, his hands within the depths of his pockets, the cigarette, that I swore to this day would forever be stuck there, between his lips lit, the smoke trailing from his nostrils as he stopped before me.
There was nowhere to run,
nowhere to hide.
He walked up to me,
looked in my eyes
I was frozen. My breath caught somewhere between my lungs and it's escape of my mouth. Or maybe it was my heart. I couldn't tell which. Tears tried to flood my eyes, from the pain in my throat from singing all day in my small recording booth mixed with the oxygen, my own heart, and pride. It felt like someone was trying to force a ball of glass shards down my throat, and for the life of me, I thought I tasted the blood from it.
His eyes, forever piercing, that I still saw within my dreams were glaring at me, like they always had. Fate's tables were turned against me on this evening, it seemed. To see the one man I hated, with a passion of a burning soul. To see the man that I could go the rest of my life without seeing. The man that I still loved...
And still,
the world stood still.
I couldn't move,
and all I could feel
was this aching in my heart
saying I loved him still.
"Shindou," he said, that silky, smokey voice said, and my breath caught even tighter in my throat. When had the intimacy for me left him? From the beginning to the end, he had never called me by my formal name. Oh, how I wished he would have said 'brat' instead. I hated it when he called me that, but it was so much better than the icy tone when he said my family's name.
Usually, to be called by your traditional name was a sign of respect. I didn't want him to respect me. Not now. It had been a year since we split. A year since his father's death.-
-Flashback-
(A/N: Blankness explained at end of fic.)*
-End Flashback-
Respect from him was worthless. I hated him. Or, I tried to hate him. With all my might, I tried to believe it. But how can you hate something that belongs to your heart? Hating him is like hating the air I breathe. I needed him, but he didn't hear those words from me anymore, not from lack of me saying them to him. After a while, I cut off from him. Making this the first time I'd seen him in nearly eight months.
He said, "How have you been?
It's great to see you again.
You're really a sight for sore eyes."
"Yu-.. Eiri. How's it going?" I almost called him by his chosen name, the name of that man that had been a problem for Yuki. A problem for us. Instead, I caught myself, trying to show him that he had what he wanted. That I was over him. I hoped he didn't see through the mask like only I could, that it was a lie.
His eye twitched at me calling him by his formal name. I almost didn't catch it, but it was there. A quick, almost non-existent movement. But I did see it. He was irritated that I'd called him so. And after so many years, I saw the registration in his eyes. It was painful irritation. He was hurt by me.
"Hn. All is well. Just getting out of a meeting. How about you?" He asked it nearly too soft for me to hear, like he was trying to hide from the fact that he was showing concern for me from someone. I was used to that. He'd only ever show me anything other than mere tolerance at my existence when we were alone.
"I'm great," I said, and I felt like I put too much enthusiasm into the words. That he would catch it this time, and know that I still crave his love. His touch. "Just got off of work myself. Been recording the newest album." I stuck my hands into my waistcoat, the winter air starting to bite at my hands. "Needed a walk, too much energy." I was talking in copped sentences, and didn't realize. I didn't really want to let on too much, afraid he'd see through my masquerade of happiness.
I said, "I can't complain.
I'm doing fine."
We talked as the people rushed by.
We laughed about old times,
and all we went through.
"Full of energy, as always?" He knew me well. How saddening. My throat clenched up again. If he knew me so well, why did he toss me out like yesterdays newspaper? I fought back tears and laughed, nodding in agreement at his words. "Shindou, you're looking well." Forced small talk, like he didn't really want to talk to me anymore. I didn't blame him. I didn't much like myself anymore. "You're taking care of yourself?"
"Of course. K-san and Hiro would kill me otherwise. You know that." Damn, I'm doing it again. Letting on to the fact that I miss him by distantly mentioning how well he knew me. Shit. "I heard about your new book. Maiko is all jazzed up about it. Says it's the first romance you've done for a year – and that you're talking about turning it into your first series. Finally got past all the writers block?"
Now I'm doing it. Small talk. I gave myself a pat on the back for the impromptu lie I came up with. I didn't talk to my sister that much anymore. I got tired of her Yuki obsession. She didn't see it was killing me. And I didn't feel like letting on that I watched him on TV, every time he was on. Nor that I'd started reading his books. Distance had made me more obsessed with him, and Hiro didn't even know it. Hiro didn't know much about me anymore. The only time I saw anyone was at work. And I was never at home. I spent my time in a different hotel each night. Afraid to go to an empty apartment without Yuki.
Yuki. He read me like a book. His cocky, I know your secret, smirk tugged his lips. But he couldn't know. I'm just reading him wrong, I tell myself. But I knew better. He could read me like a novel he wrote himself. Like my life had been written by him, for his amusement.
Then my heart, so crushed and torn, screamed in pain inside of me as he closed the distance and took me in his arms, that cocky smirk gone from his face as he wrapped those strong arms around me. So tight I could barely breathe. I couldn't do anything, he froze me again. "I've missed you, Shuichi..."
That's when he hugged me and said,
"I've missed you."
And still,
the world stood still.
I couldn't move,
and all I could feel was
What was left of the heart he destroyed inside me suddenly lit afire, turning to ash inside my chest as I broke down. But I wouldn't allow him to see it. He couldn't see the pain he caused me with the simple gesture, because I knew, deep down I had always known, he cared for me. Even a small measure. And I still loved him enough to know, that if I showed him that his embrace killed the last part of me, would torment him. He acted like he hated me, like he hated everyone. But for five years I learned him. There was only one person he hated, and that person was dead.
I couldn't stop myself. I lifted my arms, wrapping them about his waist in a returned embrace. My face was buried into his chest. His smell made me sick. Not because it was bad, but because it smelled like him. The him I loved. The him that I missed. "Yeah, you too." I said, forcing myself to bite back tears, to hold myself from jumping onto him and clinging to him like I used to when he said something endearing.
this aching in my heart,
saying I loved him still.
After what seemed like an eternity of lashings with glass-laced whips, he let me go. "You're doing better." He said, smiling softly. "I would have never have gotten you to wear properly according to weather." Why was he opening to me like this? He ended our relationship. He ended us. He ended me.
"Yeah, well, I learned that I can't sing if I'm sick. Finally." Another lie, this one he couldn't see past, he couldn't know the reason I didn't dress like I used to. Of why I only wore long-sleeved shirts anymore. Of the monstrous shapes that lived, dwelled in the recesses underneath the cloth that was as much my armor as he used to be. "How about you? You're doing more interviews lately, Maiko says. That you're being more public. That's good. I told you that you couldn't hide forever."
He gave a nonchalant laugh. So unlike him. He'd changed. He wasn't my Yuki anymore. Was this a facade? Was he, so like me, hiding? From me? I yearned to know. I cried inside that I wasn't the one that did this to him. "Yes, yes you did. I knew it would come one day. And the wife- Ah, speaking of, there she is."
I was wrong. This was the moment he took the last bit of my heart from me. He was married. I turned to see where he was smiling, and everything within me shattered. My skin became an empty shell. Ayaka. Hiro, in a memory that seemed so distant, had told me that they'd split, that she left him for another. But no one knew who. The press had said he'd been married, but he'd never tell. I don't know why I never pieced it together.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to call K and tell him to bring his biggest baddest gun. My life seemed to have wanted to play one final, agonizing joke on me. Like fate only gave him to me for a short period of time to play a cruel, inconceivable prank on my behalf.
That's when she walked up to him.
He said, "This is my wife."
I smiled at her, even greeted her by name with my signature big happy grin. "Ayaka! It's good to see you! How've you been? It's been ages!" I knew the bite at my flesh was no longer from the cold air. I was now, completely full of hate. I tried to center it on Yuki, but I knew, deep down, that this was her doing. I didn't want to believe it, because she was such a sweet girl, and forever she'd been like a best friend besides Hiro.
I gave my best smile,
but I was dying inside.
"Shindou-chan!" She greeted in return, rushing to embrace me like she had so many times before. "Oh, my goodness it's been forever!" She was too excited. She didn't like seeing me either. But I hugged her back, wanting to keep appearances for any passer-by who knew who we were.
"You look wonderful, Ayaka-chan! You're filling out great!" She thought I was gay, so she didn't take the compliment the wrong way. She thought I was being honest. For the five years we were lovers, Yuki and I always said we were straight. I enjoyed women as much as the next, as well as he did. Tough, it killed me to see he had chosen a woman over me. And I wasn't lying that she looked good. She did. I was lying about happiness, pretending I was glad to see her.
"Ayaka, Shindou." Yuki's calling my traditional name again caught me, and I looked at him. He looked irritated, he was glaring at us. I would say at me, but I didn't feel it like I could when he glared at me. I looked at Ayaka, her eyes were big. She was scared. He was irritated with her. He treated her like he'd treated me. But when his eyes glanced back to me, they softened. "I'm cold. I want to go home." His eyes, but only his eyes, smiled. His eyes were always the one thing that kept me from leaving him when he acted like he hated me. His eyes always betrayed him.
I nodded at him, to let him know that I didn't hate him. I don;t know if he caught it, and I wonder if he ever will catch it in his memory. He turned from me and started to walk. Ayaka, with me almost completely forgotten, trailed behind him, with one glance back to me that said, I win, on so many levels of hurt.
He said, "We gotta go now,
it's getting late.
It was so good to see you."
And then they walked away
I watched them walk away, an old hatred dead, and a new one found. I know who was to blame for changing my Yuki. And I didn't know, as I continued to walk towards my next home for the night, if I was going to stand for it. I pondered, with a new revelation, what was going to happen. Had fate really turned against me?
And still,
my world stood still.
I couldn't move
and all I could feel
was this aching in my heart
saying I loved him still.
Ending Author's Notes:
(*)Soo... The flashbacky-blankness... Hmm... It's for the fact that, if you want me to actually make something of this little ditty here, it marks a place for me to add info. I actually have the story, or a lot of it, planned out in my head. The outline of the plot line. However you want to say it. But it all depends on you! If you think this little teaser here was worthy of some chapters, I'll make it so! I'm but your bard, writing you a song of entertainment and wonder!
Actually, if you do let me write a story out of this, I will warn you. It will be very dramatic. Life altering, I'm sure, for a lot of you die-hard Gravi fans. But, I am positive that there are some out there who share my yearnings for horridness. Even if I don;t like them myself. But I do promise for a happy ending! I do have it planned! And a couple major event's throughout a time process of Yuki and Shu's life. And I promise that if you do allow me to write it, some of you will like some of the oddness. Some will drool, some will laugh, some will cry...
This story has actually been planned out in my head for a while. I've just been trying to figure out how to go about it. If I write it, keep with the songfic nature? Or, I had an odd thought of doing it in journal form, like excerpts from Shu's journal. I do, however, want to try and completely make it from the eyes and mouth, as it were, of Shuichi. Strictly his POV. But it's all up to you! So hit me up with reviews and let me know how you want it! Majority wins!
For those who will review and want update. I have no net at home except for phone. I can read and reply to your reviews and comments, but I cant post the stories! So some of them may be written, just unable to be posted.
Now I feel like I'm blathering on, wasting your time, so I'll be going now... BYE!