Chapter XI
"I can't say I recall the exact moment I came to be. It was all so fast, such a lifeless blur one moment and suddenly then there was movement and the meat suit I wore was filled with heat, the once dead heart that was confined in my chest started up once again with new life and I tried to move. I remember this light; this small sliver of light that worked its way up under and into my eyes, but that was about all I could see. There were no distinct shapes or images, at least not all at once. Something deep inside me told me to blink away the water that assaulted my eyeballs and I did so immediately after. Some primal instinct inside me told me that this would happen more than once in my newly found lifetime.
"Either way, after ridding my eyes of water, I turned my head and looked over to my right. I could've sworn I saw through the haze and blur, a shape. A large, but slender and fidgeting shape, the shape then moved with great speed out of wherever I was. I heard a banging on a hard surface, then nothing. There were no sounds that traveled through my ears except for this slight hum. It was faint, but still present as I tried to sit straight up. Something else primal in me told my body how to do so and I succeeded and sitting up from where I'd previously been lying. I felt what I'd been lying on and it felt cold and hot at the same time, a mixture of the heat from my body and the cold metal that made it what it was. My bodily mechanisms were registering my movements and something else primal in me sparked. Basic motor skills they must've been, as if an internal force was guiding me, causing me to feel and to move and to think. To think, something else deep inside me identified my source of intellect for basic movement. My brain, somehow the object formed those words and I comprehended in a few moments what I was doing.
"I stood. My legs trembling a bit, not used to the weight of my own body and before long I took one step then two. Left foot and right foot falling into place one next to the other and I was walking as my brain told me. My walking led me to another realm of darkness, as I could no longer see the light that had once permeated through my eyes and I felt more coldness. I touched something chilled and with a strange grainy texture. I touched my own face afterwards to determine the origin of such an object, but I then realized the object I had touched was not like me. It was cool and strong, but not in the same way I was for it didn't move. I blinked again and suddenly my vision cleared and I saw I'd been touching a wall. The wall went up about maybe the length of another half of me and touched a ceiling made of wood. The floor was made of the same cold material as the wall and my feet felt chilled as I continued moving forward.
"The blessing that was my vision clearing helped me greatly as I navigated my way around the place I'd awoken in. I stumbled a bit, but then I managed to regain my footing as my brain told me once again which foot went before which so that I could stay upright. I reached another room similar to the previous one from whence I'd came and my eyes traced the walls and floors and various other objects in the area. There was a flat surface with four pegs coming from it and going towards the ground, an object similar to what I'd been lying on when I'd awaken from death, there were brown structures coming from the walls similar to the other object but they were peg-less and they lifted and supported many white objects bound in leather in each of their little openings. A few of these leather bound white objects were lying on the flat surface with pegs, their whiteness open to the room and open to me. I decided I'd observe them in a moment and cast my gaze upon the most incredible marvel in the room. It was another flat surface that was not like the others it had a mixture of colors. It had lines that ran through it from the top of the wall to the floor, but never touching them and it seemed almost away from the wall itself.
"I reached my hand out towards it and found my movements blocked by the new surface. It felt warm to the touch and I found that the light that had crawled into my half opened eyelids earlier now seeped through this surface. I touched both my hands to it and stroked the new flat surface, enjoying the warmth coming from it that was similar to my own. I looked downwards and I saw the most fascinating of all sights I'd seen since my birth. There was other movement that was exactly like my own. This excited me and I felt as though I couldn't move my eyes from the sight. There was movement, back and forth and back and forth and I saw another movement join the first one. The movements touched each other's hands and the tops of them moved too. I touched the parts on the top of my body that were similar to these movements' and felt something new, something different. I knew immediately these movements were exactly like me.
"I turned my attention to the leather bound white objects that were open on the table and walked over to them. My hands caressed the white and I found that the white wasn't pure white. It had dark markings on it. The markings ranged from straight lines to lines that bent slightly and touched other lines and on the other side of the white there were markings that looped and slid through one another. My fingers tapped each one, half expecting them to be movements as well, but they stayed still. My finger touched the beginning of each loopy marking and moved along with it. On the left side of the white I saw the other markings, the straight and bent ones. I traced along this too with my finger several times before something in my brain told me there was something there, something familiar. Something sounded off in my brain and I walked as fast as I could to the surface I'd seen the movements through, leather bound white in hand. I looked down at the movements that were still out there; they were walking around like me, but doing other tasks that I found I wasn't familiar with. One much smaller movement ran to the tallest of the movements and suddenly ended up in its arms. The shorter of the bigger movements touched the smallest movement with its hand on the top of it and the upper halves of them once again moved in various ways I couldn't understand.
"I looked down at the white and saw more loopy markings next to the marking that looked like the movements and me. Something in my brain communicated to me to let these loopy markings come from the upper half of me and as I looked upon them I found myself able to finally express what they were. The sound came from the upper half of me and I almost did a similar motion as the smallest movement had when it jumped into the tallest ones arms. I touched the place on my upper half that the marking had identified as "lips" in shock. I had expressed my first loopy marking and said what the white had marked: humans.
"My eyes looked down at the movements through the clear surface and I made the connection. Movements are humans, movements are humans. I'm a movement, so I'm a human. I thought again though, if I was a human then why was I not down there with them. Why had another human run away from me when I'd first awaken? I realized suddenly that the two taller humans were staring up at me through the clear surface, their lips apart from one another. I dropped the leather bound white and moved immediately away from the clear surface, not daring to look upon it again. If the first human to lay its eyes upon me ran from me then something, something must have been wrong. Something was different with these humans than it was with me. I walked from the leather bound white, my eyes upon the floor. I decided to stay away from the clear surface lest these other humans detect what I didn't even know was wrong with me.
"Three lights passed and went away before a fourth one came to be and I'd stayed in the area I'd awoken in. I dared not look upon the clear surface ever again, not if those humans down beneath my eyes were still there. I didn't need them discovering what was wrong with my being before I did. There was something still down in me that told me something was indeed different, but nothing in me was able to pinpoint what it was. The times the light had died away had taken away my warmth, but it had returned every time the light came back. I hadn't heard any sounds other than me except for this chime that came the same time every time the light disappeared and had been gone for a long time. I located the source on the wall shortly after the third time the light went away and thought about getting rid of it, but then I concluded it wouldn't be fair to it. The sound worked so hard to chime at the same exact time every time the light disappeared and who was I to tread upon and interrupt that.
"The fourth time the light came back though; I heard other sound, new ones. The sounds traveled from afar and they sounded different than what I'd heard the past times the light was gone. It wasn't the unmistakable chime, that only happened when the light went away and only at that time. I stood and braced myself for these new sounds. They imitated the mark: humans that I had uttered three lights earlier. I crept closer and closer to the clear surface room through which I had first inspected the other humans. I moved in sync with the sounds similar to my feet and slowly ever so slowly I moved into the same room from where I'd first seen those like me. I nearly walked away when I saw what was ahead of me.
"The two taller humans that were through the clear surface three lights earlier now stood before me. I stood, frozen in place, and my lips parted like theirs. They had only looked upon me from afar and clearly now they were feeling the same as me. I beheld them, these wondrous humans on white come to life and moving. These strangers like me that had imitated my movements the clear surface were now placed before me. I moved my hand to show them that we were one, we were alike. They moved slightly copying me, yet they never left. Their contact delighted me, but confused me at the same time. Their reactions three lights earlier certainly had me theorizing that they were inclined to leave my presence, but still they stood looking into my eyes and unmoving.
"Then after moments of no sound they sounded to me: "Where is Victor Frankenstein, stranger?" and I sounded back the only mark I knew: humans. They turned to one another then repeated their sound towards me before I answered them again with the only mark I knew. They stood a moment before the slightly shorter human stepped further forward. There basic features were the same, both humans, but they differed slightly. They differed like me. At least I hoped they differed like me.
"The slightly shorter one sounded to me again: "We are friends of Victor Frankenstein, where has he gone stranger? Surely since you are living here in his home you of all people would know?" I felt her coming closer to me and instinctively I backed away a little bit. The shorter human didn't seem afraid of me though, not like it had before through the clear surface. Perhaps the clear surface held something I didn't know of, a sort of secret separation that made humans see otherwise and be afraid of what they couldn't feel, couldn't be close to and see with their own eyes like these two humans were doing so now. It kept sounding to me without giving me the chance to sound back although I didn't really know how to sound any mark other than: humans. The shorter human sounded: "Can you speak stranger? Why are you up here? What is your name?"
"I didn't reply. I stayed silent, a part of me hoping they would stay and another part of me that wished to stay in isolation. That moment three lights earlier still stuck in my mind. That moment that the humans looked upon me and parted their lips, their eyes wide, that moment had told me that I was different and that these humans had better keep their distance. The shorter human sounded to other: "I don't think the man can speak. Perhaps he is a relative of Victor's or friend?" The other human sounded back: "Then why would Victor leave him here? Something must've happened." The smaller one sounded back again: "If something happened to Victor, we can't just let this poor man fend for himself here without his Victor. Victor would want us to look after him Henry." The taller human sounded back: "We do owe it to him for what he's done for us."
"I didn't know what a Henry was, but I assumed it had something to do with the taller human. The shorter one stepped even closer still and reached out its hand to mine. She sounded: "My name is Caroline and this is my companion Henry. We understand if you cannot speak, clearly something terribly dreadful scared Victor off and it was enough to scare you also into muteness. We shall care for you dear stranger until Victor's return for we owe it to our friend." The shorter human that identified as "Caroline" took my hand in it's and closed it around mine. This Caroline didn't seem to tremble or shy away in any way before me, not like before through the clear surface. Its companion, Henry, as it had told me, stood behind us and continued to stare, but not in a bad way, rather its stare was one of fascination imitating mine from three lights earlier. They were different. The clear surface I determined was just another barrier towards human contact that had prevented me from being near those like me before now and for the first time from the moment on that Caroline had touched my hand for the first time I felt whole and the clear surface could never take that away from me again.
"Caroline and Henry taught me a great deal over what they called months as opposed to what I had called lights, that this mysterious "Victor Frankenstein" whom I'd never seen nor heard of before had abandoned his home and me within it. I learned of the concepts of words, previously thought of as marks by me, that sounding was instead called talking and speaking, and that every human had a name all except for me. I never came to know a name to identify myself with, but Caroline never failed to address me even without identification.
"Slowly I learned to read books, previously known by me as the leather bound white objects, Caroline and I would often times sit by the clear surface that Caroline told me to be a window and read them together, other times we'd watch as Henry did tasks around the outside of their home and occasionally played with their smallest human, their child. Caroline had told me his name was William and he was six years old. I hadn't yet fully grasped the concept of age yet, but Caroline assured me that William was much younger than the three of us Henry, she and I combined.
"Some nights, when the sun that I had indentified to be the source of the light, went away and Caroline and Henry had put William to bed to sleep, a new concept to me, Henry and Caroline would come over to Victor's home, they always referred to it as his home although I was the only one to ever stay in it, and we would talk for long hours into the night. Henry would bring out the sound box as I had formally called it, now I knew it to be called a piano, and he would strike his fingers against the black and white keys and Caroline would walk over to me, take my hands in hers, and have me move with her and we'd dance as they called it. We'd dance until Henry stopped striking then I'd bow exactly like Caroline had told me to and she'd smile. I begun to expect and look forward to her smiles every night they came over.
"As my vocabulary strengthened and improved Caroline started bringing me different books to read every day. She brought over one entitled Paradise Lost and sat with me as I read word after word. I felt compassion towards Lucifer, he was cast away by a Father who didn't desire to have him in his presence, sent to Hell by his creator and forced to live a life of exile or so the story said. Caroline sensed my distress as my lips uttered each sentence and my fingers traced the face of Lucifer pictured above the words and God, almighty God casting him down. Caroline took my hand. She asked me: "Why are you sad?" She could no longer really call me a stranger anymore. She asked again: "What makes you sad?"
"I told her I identified with this fallen angel, that I could only imagine how he must have felt when his Father rejected him as mine had come to leave me. Or so I thought, I didn't know what to make of the concept of me actually having a Father or a Creator. I'd simply woken up without the knowledge that anyone had fueled my existence until now. Caroline replied with a slight smile and rubbed the back of my hand. She began to weave another tale in my mind. She told me of her life before coming to this town and how she had been ridiculed for running off with a married man. The citizens of her town however, had refused to hear her side of the argument. The man she had run off with, Henry was not a lover to her. He was simply a friend. His wife had left him after suspicion had arose about an affair between him and Caroline that was just not so. Still Henry and she remained friends until one day the citizens decided the rumors had to be true. They surrounded her and Henry and his son William one day with their cries of hate and weapons causing pain. She told me of a man whom she'd met all but once in the marketplace one day and he'd greeted her with such a warm smile she'd feared she'd sworn it came from the sun itself. This man stood here now, whip in hand and cracked it with a deafening sound against her skin, her pale and fair cheek and she'd cried out and gasped, holding her face as the red, sticky, blood trickled down between her fingers. She showed me the scar now on her left cheek, which ran from the top of her ear to her chin. I hadn't noticed it before due to her long hair. She touched her hand to one of my many scars then took mine and touched it to hers. She explained that the others didn't understand that the love she felt for Henry was different, it wasn't the love they'd thought it to be. It was a love between friends.
"She said to me: "We are not that different you and I. Both left absent, isolated from the world for things we can't help like ourselves and friendships. But we also must learn to not be our own worst enemy. The way you reacted when we were first acquainted was as if you'd expected the worst from Henry and I and I assure you that even if you had been Lucifer himself, I wouldn't have been so quick to judge a man for what he's been through or how he appears to me, for I have been enough myself, dear friend." I was shocked when she referred to me as "friend" and I asked her if I was truly a man she could call such a powerful word. The most powerful word I'd heard in my short lifetime. "Of course," she replied. "We've known each other long enough now I suppose and what else would I call you?"
"Another month had passed since my creation and I noticed a slightly varied pattern of the days Caroline would visit me. She started to spend more and more time with her growing son William and tending to chores about her home when Henry wasn't around. At one point in time, as the summer faded away and fall reached out its hand to grasp the earth, the visits stopped for a few days. I saw no life in the home of Caroline and Henry and I feared that Caroline had changed her views on me and decided to leave. The lights stayed off and no fire burned in the fireplace for days and the door never opened. I touched the window, my fingers caressing it, wanting desperately to break through it and confirm if my fears were true. Another two days passed and finally there was light once again in the home.
"Caroline returned shortly after for her regular visits, but something deep rooted was wrong that I couldn't pinpoint. She was distant; she didn't take my hand like she usually did. She wore her hair further down than usual. One day after an almost sickening silence I asked her what was wrong. She promptly gripped my hand just hard enough to hurt and I heard it, a sound I'd never heard before, but something inside me comprehended it as a sound of sadness. Caroline looked into my eyes and I saw hers were watery, much like mine had been when I'd first come to be. I suggested she blink to rid her eyes of the water as I had and she curtly nodded, begun to drag her hand across her eyes and the water disappeared. She apologized and spoke to me of what had happened days prior. William had been playing one day outside when a small bug had caught his childish eye. He'd wandered off without her or Henry noticing and had managed to drown himself in the nearby creek. William hadn't been her child, but Caroline had always considered him to be hers.
"I didn't quite know how to express my sympathies for what had happened to her beloved William so I took her hand in mine as she had when I had read the tale of Lucifer's fall and rubbed the back of her hand. She managed to keep her eyes dry for the short period of time that we spent together that day and I continued to provide the only form of comfort that I knew how, holding hands with a dear friend.
"Another few months passed and winter came. Caroline seemed slower, more fragile, when we'd dance she'd stumble over her feet sometimes and she'd have to take many more pauses as she watched me from a nearby chair and smiled tiredly, still clapping her hands to the sounds Henry could make with a piano. As more time passed her visits became less frequent once again. I worried late into the night until sleep found me and I paced the ground during the day, looking through the window, close against it so that I could touch it. The warmth of the sun went away with every waking day, but still I touched the window hoping what little warmth was left would suffice for that from which I was desperately lacking and desperately wanting from Caroline.
"More days passed on and I grew more and more worried. Caroline hadn't visited and I felt alone. Henry hadn't emerged from their home either and the lights stayed low even through the daylight hours. This time however, smoke rose from the brick structure I'd come to know as a fireplace and I saw movement within the house. A man dressed in white with a strange instrument hanging from his neck came and went frequently and Henry seemed distressed, as distressed as I was when recalling the tale of Lucifer. Perhaps he had read the same tale and was feeling what I was feeling.
"I heard a day later, a man calling out to the sky outside and he held in his hand an object that produced a sound similar to that of the clock on the wall. I called to Henry to bring out his dead. The man in white and Henry emerged from the home, Henry's skin dull and Caroline's, Caroline's ashen and lifeless. I touched the window with both my hands and watched as the man in white with the instrument and Henry lifted a lying presumably sleeping Caroline onto the crying man's cart and Henry's hands shook as he stepped away. I realized now as the crying man strolled off, cart behind him with similar lying people, that Caroline had joined William and that Henry would have to suffer even greater loss than I could imagine. At least Henry and I would have each other.
"A day later, Henry's home laid still and dark. Not a movement was seen inside the windows by me, but still I waited for Henry to come to Victor's home and let me console him in the only way I knew how, holding hands with a dear friend. But his hands never met mine and Henry never came to Victor's home to let me console him. I never saw him from the day forward. I felt something inside me, something that felt warmer than the sun on the window, it felt hot. Something inside me that was forcing its way up my throat and out into the air. I felt my eyes water again, but unlike the first time it was exactly the same as what Caroline had expressed months before when William had drowned. The water didn't recede either, it stayed in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks like the rain outside on cloudy days. I felt my heart pounding and I let out a sound I never had before. It felt like my throat was closing and I grabbed at my chest where my heart was inside.
"I stumbled about my small space and let out the same sound, still clutching at my chest, water still falling from my eyes and laid my eyes upon the books I'd set my sights on the first day I'd seen Henry, William, and Caroline outside the window and they'd seen me. I tossed them aside so that they hit the floor with a loud bang. I pushed the table aside too and stepped forward, gazing upon the bookshelf where Caroline had pulled stories for me to read to her. I grabbed book after book and threw them upon the ground as well whilst I let out cries of agony.
"I walked with great speed towards the window and laid my hands upon the glass. I stared out upon the home that had once been Henry's, William's, and Caroline's and let out the loudest cry I had that day. That infernal glass, that glass kept me from them the first time, but it had brought me to them, to Caroline, my dear friend Caroline who'd called me stranger, my dear friend Caroline who had been ridiculed and left alone like me, my dear friend Caroline who was now gone from this world. Destroy the glass I thought, destroy what kept us apart and perhaps it would bring her back to me. I drew my fist back and threw it against the glass, it shattered all around me and no other sounds existed. No cries of agony from my mouth, no music echoing from an absent Henry's fingers on a piano, no clock striking midnight like it did every night, and no silence, no deafening silence that had become all too familiar. When the glass landed wherever it did I sat against the wall, clutching my fist that was red with sticky, wet blood and I let one more cry of agony. I had broken the barrier that had sealed me like a prisoner from the world and it still was not enough to bring my dear friend Caroline back to me. My creator, the first to abandon me and now Caroline, dear Caroline, and Henry my only companions, the only friends I'd come to call friends in this world were gone. Gone like the glass. I felt the deep hot warmth again, but no water came to my eyes. Instead I stood, looking upon the damage I had caused and I started to run."