Harry Potter Deathmatch!

Inspired by RainbowTerrorist's Final Fantasy Death Match fic, this is the Harry Potter version of Death Match. The Harry Potter characters bash each others' brains out for the most absurd titles ever. Just read and review! And this is pretty sick, you have been warned.

Author's Note: PLEASE DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME. :p It's fiction! You can enjoy reading this but don't turn up dead the next morning. I will not be held responsible. Oh, and I know my humour can NEVER measure up to RainbowTerrorist who created the original. Go and read hers, you'll probably find it better than mine. This fic was inspired by hers. (P/S: If you can't find the fic, it's under my favourite stories list.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor the idea for the Death Match show. However, most of the ideas are mine.

Chapter One

"I Deserve Harry!"

Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger are forever debating about who should get Harry. As you can see, H/G and H/H have the biggest fan base on FanFiction.Net, closely followed by D/G and R/H (A/N: This may not be accurate, it's just based on my silly opinion.), but that's not the point. In this fight, they will settle their scores once and for all for the "I Deserve Harry!" title. The winner will get to jump into bed with The Boy Who Lived. ::grin::

~*~

Ginny: All right, you bloody b*tch, bring it on! Harry's mine!

Hermione: What did you just call me, you nincompoop? My educated mind does not understand words of a simpleton like you. What do you mean Harry's yours? He's certifiably and rightfully mine, I got to know him first, it darn well was love at first sight on the train!

Ginny: Cut the crap - (punches Hermione in her teeth) OWWWWWWWWW! (Ginny's hand is yanked off her arm and it sticks to Hermione's front teeth) My hand!!! I've lost my hand! My beautiful hand which Harry loves to kiss!

Hermione: (smirks smugly and spits out Ginny's hand) I don't have these buck teeth for nothing. You're nothing but a bimbo, Harry doesn't go for bimboes who go for manicures. (grabs books from her bag)

Ginny: I still have one good arm, you studious b*tch! (swings arm to hit Hermione)

Hermione: (ducks and flings books at Ginny's face, which stick to Ginny's eyeballs)

Ginny: Arrrrgh! I can't see! I can't see! (her eyes pop out from excessive bleeding)

Hermione: Ha! Take that, you whore!

Ginny: (gets angry) I - AM - NOT - A - WHORE -!

Hermione: Oh yes you are, you little slut. You make Harry want you by pulling down your pants and showing a bit of flesh, when you're nothing but a skinny shrimp!

Ginny: (slaps Hermione) Now you got me angry. Get a whiff of this...! (raises her arms)

Hermione: (tries to shield herself from the awful stench wafting from Ginny's armpits...she hasn't taken a shower for 14 days you see :p) No...! No...! Body odour!

Ginny: Muahahahahaha! (sees Hermione weakening and seizes the chance to attack her. She jumps on Hermione.)

Hermione: He-e-elp! Your gigantic boobs are squashing me!

Ginny: At least I'm not flat-chested like you. (grabs Hermione's bag and tries to stuff it down her throat)

Hermione: FLAT-CHESTED! THAT'S THE WORST INSULT! ARRRGH! (throws Ginny off)

Ginny: (lands on her front and crushes her own chest. Her boobs explode with the force of an atomic bomb and shakes the entire arena! As people struggle to regain their balance, silicon from Ginny's boobs are sticking everywhere and a few people drown from the flooding of silicon.) No!!! My boobs!

Hermione: So those were fake! (pulls out a knife) Hahaha! You're going to die!

Ginny: (is enraged at Hermione for destroying her fantastic boobs) You jealous b*tch! (tries to pull out Hermione's hair)

Hermione: I'm not bushy-haired for nothing. Hy-y-y-y-yah!! (swings Ginny round and round and round using her hair, and flings Ginny to the ground, bruised and battered)

Ginny: While I still have strength I'm not going to let you win! (pulls down her shorts)

Harry (who's in the crowd watching): WOO-HOO! Striptease!!!! Go Ginny! Go Ginny! Go Ginny! Look at that a$$!

Hermione: (starts getting jealous at Harry cheering for Ginny) You slut! You're filthy and disgusting! (takes Ginny's other arm, uses her knife and hacks it off)

Ginny: Nooooooo ~~~ ! My arm!!

Hermione: (starts chewing on the arm) Mmm...tastes good.

Ginny: Cannibalistic b*tch! (uses her legs to pick up Hermione's knife. She pierces Hermione's stomach)

Hermione: (chokes) Owwww

Ginny: (repeatedly stabs Hermione) Let go of my decapitated arm! LET GO!!!!!!

Hermione: (vomits out the half-chewed arm and her intestines as well)

Crowd: EWWWW!!!!! GROSS!!!!

Ginny: (crawls over to her half-chewed arm and reattaches it by using her super-duper legs to reattach it) Ha! (flexes her fingers) Thanks for the arm, I needed it.

Hermione: (continues to vomit. Her liver and pancreas pop out of her mouth)

Ginny: Say goodbye, Hermione (uses her injured arm to pick up Hermione's intestines. She twists the intestine around Hermione's neck, strangling her.)

Hermione: (dies)

Ginny: Yay!! I'm the winner! (jumps on Harry and rushes off to the hotel room with him)

Stardust Firebolt: And the official winner is...Ginny!!!

Harry: Ginny....you better take a shower first and get back a chest. I don't want to sleep with an ugly whore, even though you're cheap!

Ginny: What?! You bloody perverted bast*rd (kills Harry) Mwahahaha

Stardust Firebolt: Umm...Ginny, you weren't supposed to kill Harry.

Ginny: I do what I want! You want me to kill you?

Stardust Firebolt: Nooooooo (starts running away from the deranged Ginny) By the way, leave a review in the box below. Tell me if it sucked, or if it kicked a$$, ok? I thrive on reviews. There will be more chapters to come! But right now, I have to escape from Ginny!! See you all later!!