Dear Julian,

I love you, not Peyton. That's what he said to me.

How I wish that was true. I sometimes wonder how I let myself believe that, given their history. But Luke – it hurts to even think his name – promised me that it wasn't Peyton. He promised that it was me. "I'm the guy for you, Brooke Davis" and all that.

There are days when there's nothing I'd like more than to erase my memory and forget about him. Forget everything about him and what he meant to me. I know they say that it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, but I would much rather not be depressed. I would much rather not know what it feels like to give everything to someone else and have them treat it like garbage and fling it all over the place. Twice. I've always been honest. I told him, over and over again, that it was so hard for me to open up to the possibility of him and me once more. And he promised that it wouldn't be like last time and I wanted to believe him.

But they kissed. And I know he didn't feel anything romantic for her at the time, but she was madly in love with him. With Peyton it's always been Luke first and me second. I know she loves me but she would give me up if it meant getting Lucas. Wow. It's taken me quite a while to think that and not burst into tears over the injustice of it all. Peyton's always been my number one, and there's not a single person I would give that spot to. So I don't understand how she didn't notice that the fact that I let Luke in meant that he was a pretty damn close second. That should have alerted her, right?! I mean I know you can't control who you fall in love with but you can control it before it gets too far and your best friend gets fucked over in the process. I know she loves me, somewhere deep underneath all her self deprecating bullshit and self pitying crap. But she hurt me anyway, by telling me that she loves him. She could have controlled it! (There's always some amount of self control in all these things, isn't there? Tell me if I've got it wrong.) Forget hurt. At least hurt is something you can feel. I'm so far beyond that shit that I think I've lost all power to feel. Disappointed, betrayed, humiliated, angry, miserable...I think I went into overdrive feeling all these emotions and now my mind and body have decided to give me a break. I'm rambling. Sorry about that, but I needed to talk to you about it.

I don't know what to do Julian. Seriously. Luke and I have stopped communicating. As emo and ridiculous as it sounds, he really doesn't let me in anymore. I know that Keith dying devastated him and that it's going to take him a really long time to wrap his head around that. But I want to be there for him and I don't know how when it clearly seems like he would much rather just be by himself. And he keeps saying that it's not important that he kissed Peyton. But why can't he see that I'm hurting not just because of that but because of everything else? I wanted him to call me when he was away, even once, just to say hi. Or whatever. But he didn't. And I know it wasn't too much to expect.

So I went over to his place today and she was there. What an excellent start to my day I have to say. Anyway, I told him parts of what I've just told you, and I said that I couldn't do this anymore. I'll always love him Julian, I know I will. So I told him that. And the whole time I swear I thought he was thinking of something else because he didn't stop me once or try to save the situation. And as I was walking out he said that he was sorry. I don't think I can describe to you how completely shattered I was. He didn't say anything else. It was so cruel and I know he didn't mean to be cruel or hurtful and that he probably was genuinely sorry but I was so tired of hearing him say stuff and not showing me his love. So I said sorry too. And I walked out.

I need to know whether holding on to him is stupid or not. I need to know whether he even cares that I'm broken. But more than anything, I need a break from this crap.

So, I'm coming over there. Yup, to California. We need to do some serious Brooke-Julian bonding. We haven't spent time together in ages.

Sorry for being all girly and spilling but you put things in perspective for me and I need perspective now more than anything.

Love, Brooke.