Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter universe... If I did, people would still be ALIVE
Anyway... so this was supposed to be a parody, but turned out to be at least semi-serious, so I'm guessing that kind of explains the change in writing in the prologue :)
So, on we go with the story...
The Holy **** Situation
Prologue: What the...?
So, there I was, minding my own business on the train, not doing anything suspicious… Except for wishing that I was in Marauders Era Harry Potter World. But that's normal, right? Right? Okay, not right. Still… wouldn't it be awesome? Oh great, now someone's looking at me. I'm staring back. Now she's moving away. Being creepy is just so much fun *ACTIVATE MANGA-CUTENESS YET CREEPY ^^!* I'm just kidding. I don't read manga. But I watch anime!
Anyways, back to the story: there I was. Minding my own business, wishing to be in the Great Hall of Hogwarts about to be sorted… HOLY FUCKING CRAP WTF!
I was being sucked in by some creepy white orb that had totally just appeared in front of me, and apparently, no one else noticed! How odd… Staring up at a starry night-sky, I got the feeling that I was falling… wtf? Candles hovering in mid-air? I mean seriously? BANG!
"Aj…" I muttered in Swedish, my native tongue. At least I landed softly. Well, kind of softly.
A lot of kids who looked like they were eleven or something were staring at me. Hello? Am I some kind of freakshow? I think not! Then I realized that whatever soft thing I had landed on was trying to move. Uh-oh, I immediately stood up and looked down. The soft thing I had landed on turned out to be four other kids.
Deciding to be nice I heaved two of them up at the same time and then the other two, apologizing. "Förlåt, förlåt, jag har ingen aning om hur…" my voice trailed off. They didn't seem to understand me. Why not? Oh… they were wearing Hogwarts Uniforms. How queer. And I mean 'queer' like Skeleton Jack means it when he's singing in Christmas town or whatever in Nightmare Before Christmas, not as in gay.
"Ah… hehe… Is this Hogwarts?" My voice came out all squeaky as I looked around me. Yep… four tables, wall decorations with badgers, lions, ravens and snakes… Yellow, Red, Blue, Green… and of course, older-looking people staring at me like I was – you guessed it – a freak. Which is normally how people look at me. Once, I was walking to school and some woman stared at me like I was He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named himself. Well, technically if you were referring to me it would be more like 'She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named herself'. Glad to have sorted that out. I looked up to where the professors table must be and sure enough, some familiar people were sitting there, as shocked as all the students.
A tall, white-haired and long-bearded old man stood up and I totally squealed in delight. "Dumbledore!"
The man smiled. "Why yes, this is Hogwarts, and correct, I am professor Dumbledore. Now, the question is who are you, miss?"
"Uh… eh… well…"
"Well?"
"I am… Emelie… P-Pettersson… and I can't fu-" I interrupted myself before I could finish that word in the midst of eleven-year-olds. "I can scarcely believe it! You're Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!"
Dumbledore chuckled. "I've never heard such a young person like you call me by my full name."
"Well… I try to remember stuff…" I looked around the great hall, expecting to see a certain Harry Potter staring at me with Ron and Hermione. Nope… No HP… There didn't seem to be any Weasley's there either. Odd… How far back in time am I?
"Is something troubling you, miss Pettersson?" Lol, it sounds so weird to be called 'miss', hell it sounds weirder to hear Dumbledore speaking. It's also kind of weird hearing a British person saying my surname. Fail at pronunciation ftw.
"Yeah… you might say that… This might sound strange, but… What year is it?"
"1975. The 1st of September." Dumbledore smiled.
"Seventy-five? But that's twenty fucking years before I'm born!" Damn it squeaky voice! "I think I need to sit down…" All of the kids around me immediately backed away. Dumbledore furrowed his eyebrows.
Dumbledore whispered something to someone who looked like McGonagall who nodded and stood up. "Miss Pettersson, follow me." I did as I was told, knowing McGonagall was a plus at least, and followed her into the small room where, like 19 years later a certain Harry Potter would be confronted about his name being spat out by the goblet of fire.
"Wait here." McGonagall said briskly and returned to the Great Hall. I turned around and watched the fire in the fireplace. Shortly afterwards I could hear how the door opened and in came Dumbledore. It seemed like they had started the sorting.
"So, miss Pettersson, you seem to have travelled through time."
"Uh-huh… And space. Oh crap…"
"What?"
"I… I'm from the future right? So… What if I change the past?"
"Well, that would put you in an awkward position once you return to where you were before this happened." His blue eyes twinkled. Okay, I am never going to ask to meet a hot guy with eyes like those ever again, because those are just fricking creepy.
"Umm… Professor?"
"Yes?"
"I… What will we do in the meantime? I'm no witch. At least I don't think so… maybe Swedish magical training starts later. Like way later."
"Well, you got here somehow didn't you? What did you do?"
"I was sitting on a train, wishing to be about to be sorted at Hogwarts during the Marauders Era…"
"Marauders?"
"Eh… James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew… And Lily Po-eh, Evans and Snape. Severus Snape."
"Well, they're all here… I dare say your wish came true."
"Oh great." I felt myself sinking down; being caught by a comfy armchair just conjured by Dumbledore.
"It seems that you were subject to very powerful magic, perhaps it was even your own doing…" Dumbledore started and I groaned. "Would you like to try using a wand?"
"Huh? Whose wand?"
"How about mine? If I am correct that you are indeed a witch, then I will make sure you get your own wand." He reached out with the wand in his hand, giving me the handle first.
"… I don't know much about wands, but aren't you supposed to like… 'conquer' it to make it work?"
Dumbledore smiled. "Why yes, but I think that you'd be able to do something with it." His eyes twinkled again. Cursed twinkly eyes. It seemed like they were mocking me. I took the wand, and tried to think of any easy spell in the HP-world.
"Eh…" I pointed at the fireplace. "Aguamenti?" and WOW, I have to say wow, sure it didn't work like I wanted it to (instead of spurting water at the fire it kind of drenched me in water, but whatever, I did something) I did magic.
"See?" Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he took back the wand (which I just now realized must be the Elder Wand but I didn't mention anything) and dried me up with it. "It seems I was correct."
"Yeah… Eh, professor… what happens if I reveal something about the future?"
"I imagine we'd have the same problem as if you changed the past."
"Right… What will I do here?"
"Frankly, I don't know. I suppose that you could always be sorted and attend classes here for a while?"
"…"
"…"
"I don't have any basic knowledge of magic… and I refuse to start first year."
Dumbledore chuckled. "Well it would be quite a sight, wouldn't it?"
"…"
"To me, it seems you have some knowledge of magic, but how far does it go?"
"I know a few spells and curses… but that's about it."
"Curses?"
"… the Unforgivable curses… which I swear I will never use or teach anyone. This might require some explanation… You see, where I'm from, there's a certain book series about this world, and Hogwarts, and at one point, there's mentioned how you use them and what the Unforgivable Curses are… also Horcruxes, but I'd never be stupid enough to do something like that."
"Well, I won't pry further into the future, and I advise you to be careful about what you're saying, but I think you should be put in the year that you would have been had you been here since you were eleven."
"I'm fifteen."
"Fifth year it is. Which is also the year of these 'marauders' as you call them." His eyes twinkled again. I swear I could see him wink at me too, what was this? Did he know the reason why I had wished to be here? I hope not…
"Well, we should get you sorted then. Mr. Ollivander, I suppose you have heard of him, yes?" I nodded and he continued. "Mr. Ollivander will be here tomorrow with some wands for you to try out."
"Okidoki." I was just about to walk out of there to be sorted and then stopped. "You know… not many spells were covered in those books I read… How am I going to catch up with everyone else?"
Dumbledore just smiled. "I'll make sure someone tutors you. How about Lily Evans? Excellent grades and I'm sure she wouldn't mind tutoring you no matter what house you're sorted into."
"Right. Can I be sorted now?"
"Of course." I followed him out to the Great Hall where the last first year was currently running off to the Slytherin table. I waited by the end of the professors table, close to where Hagrid was sitting, as Dumbledore walked back to his seat.
When Dumbledore reached his seat, he didn't sit down but remained standing, thereby catching everyone's attention.
"Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts, but before we begin our feast, I would like to introduce to you, miss Emelie Pettersson, who appeared here in quite an unorthodox manner." Dumbledore smiled my way. "She will attend the fifth-year classes with the rest of you fifth-years, but first she will be sorted." Wow, people applauded me. "Also I am sorry to say that no, those of you who tries to ask her about the future, as I am sure that you all have realized by now that she's from there, will not receive an answer."
The applauding died out. Dumbledore gestured to the Sorting Hat and I walked over there, sat down on the stool, and put the hat over my head.
'Well, well, well…' It mumbled in my ear.
Well, well, what?
'The future eh? Well, don't worry, I won't reveal any of the things I find in your head…'
Well that's reassuring.
The hat chuckled. 'Hmm… you are most difficult to place…'
I was thinking the exact same thing! Knowing me, it could be anywhere.
'Anywhere indeed. Intelligence and loyalty… Bravery and cunning…'
Just so you know, I wouldn't find being in Hufflepuff any fun. And probably not Ravenclaw either. In fact, I was thinking more of Gryffindor. I wouldn't mind Slytherin generally, but if I was to be sorted into Slytherin I'd rather it would be sometime around 1995, if I was this old.
'Hmmm… I can see that you would indeed fit in both Gryffindor and Slytherin, but if you insist…'
"GRYFFINDOR!" Hell yeah! Sirius Black here I come…
I made my way to the Gryffindor table and squeezed down right next to a black-haired guy with glasses. James Potter. But you knew that already.
"Hellooooo…" I said. The Marauders stared at me, half intrigued, half scared. What? I was using my creepy voice.
"Hellooooo…" Sirius said and let me tell you this; HOT! Totally failing at the creepy part but I guess he wasn't trying to be creepy.
"Sirius. James. Remus. Peter." I nodded at all of them as I said their nicknames. They looked at me in shock. "I'm from the future."
Still no answer.
"I know about the map…"
James broke free of whatever had stunned him. "Schh! Are you crazy?"
"Probably, but you know what?" I lowered my voice to a whisper and everybody leaned closer to hear what I was saying. And by everybody I mean the Marauders, because apparently, everyone else was like, 'eh she's from the future, who cares?'. I feel so loved.
"What?" He whispered back.
"You're totally making us look suspicious."
"…"
"…"
"She's got a point, James." Remus said. Damn it, my eyes nearly teared up when I thought of Teddy…
"Thank you!" I said in a happy voice. Then I totally gawked my eyes out at the food on the table. Seriously… there were mountains of chicken and what else you wanted!
I grabbed the chicken first. Because duh! It's chicken! Delicious chicken… I like it more than pizza, I swear! Oh… delicious pizza…
As everyone else dug in, Remus began chatting with me. Teddy… SNAP OUT OF IT! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST TIME IN HIS LIFE GODDAMMIT! Well it should be.
"So, Emelie… Where are you from?"
"Sweden."
"Really?" Sirius looked up, eyes shining brightly.
"Jeesh, does that assumption exist everywhere?"
"What assumption?"
"What were you assuming?"
"…"
I raised an eyebrow.
"I think Sirius assumed that you were ah… kinda slutty?" James said hesitantly. Cool, so that meant my awesome powers over creeping guys out by looking at them work on wizards who hadn't even heard my reputation before too. Awesome.
"Hooray…" No way was I going to tell them of my serious case of love for Sirius.
"…"
"What? I was being ironic."
"What year are you from?" Remus asked, apparently trying to steer the conversation away from my supposed slutty-ness.
"2011. Which means you guys," I waved my fork at James and Sirius, "will be waaay too old to run around looking for me once I return to the future."
"Sod it."
"… What if you can't go home?" Peter said. Little rat…
"Then… I'm going to kill myself before I'm born again but I'll leave a message first if my 'future' me comes back here and has to start all over again."
No one said a thing.
"I'm joking. I would force the ministry of magic to have me sent into the future. But first making me as young as I was when I got here."
"Now that's sensible."
"Thanks Moony. What?" The last part was directed at Sirius and James, who were eyeing me from tip to toe.
"Your clothes are weird." James said.
"… They're from the future."
"Does everyone in the future dress like that?" I looked down on my black tutu and studded belt.
"No. Only the people other ignorant people call 'emo' and stuff."
"What's 'emo'?"
"… voi vittu."
"What does that mean?"
"… Nothing you need to know." Sirius actually looked sad at this. Like, puppy-dog-sad. Creepy.
"So…" Remus said, apparently sensing the profanity and trying to steer the conversation in another direction. "How much magic do you know?"
Crap…
"A bit."
"Just how much is 'a bit'?" James inquired. Crap…
"I know some spells and stuff. But not the fundamental laws of magic. Except for no creating actual love or food. And of course, not raising the dead…"
"And you're going to be a fifth-year?"
"Yes." I smiled cruelly at James. "Lily Evans is going to tutor me…" I purred and watched how he immediately looked at said girl who seemed to purposely be sitting as far away from him as possible.
"How… how do you know of Lily?"
I rolled my eyes at him. "I'm from the future. There are books where the lot of you is mentioned. Even Snivellus."
"What?" James managed to get out through a mouthful of shepherd's pie.
"Yes."
"But- how?"
"… Sorry Jamesie, can't tell you that." Damn, this was going to be hard…
"Why not?"
"Because I can't."
"Em…" Sirius whined. So that's why he's a dog… awesome puppy-dog-skills… huh.
I sighed. "I suppose you haven't heard of the grandfather paradox?" Blank stares met me everywhere. Gee Moony, I thought you were the intelligent one?
"What's a paradox?" Sirius asked and I sighed again.
"'I always tell the truth, but this is a lie', that's a paradox."
"That was… contradictory." Remus said quietly and I nodded in an overly clear way and I could literally see the lightbulb go off over his head. Okay, it was a candle but whatever. "A paradox is something that contradicts itself?"
"There's more to it, but sure. Anyway, the grandfather paradox is about time travel, if someone went back in time and killed his or her grandfather before he met the persons grandmother, one of the persons parents would never be born and therefore neither would the person."
"…"
"…"
"… Then why aren't you scared that you'll never be born?" James said after a couple of seconds of quiet contemplation.
"Because all of my grandparents are in Sweden. I can, however, screw up other people future lives so… Hehe…" *cue ^^ plus creepy smile!*.
They all looked at me in disbelief until Sirius shrugged. "Oh well." He said. "In your world this has probably already happened so you should be fine."
My jaw dropped to the floor. "That's like, one of the smartest things I've heard you say."
"… Thanks." Sirius seemed a bit offended while the others were snickering to themselves. He glared at them and stabbed a potato with his fork.
"You're welcome." I said and returned to eating my chicken. Gosh, how was I going to fit down dessert?
Soooo... what do you think...? Is it good? Is it horrible?
Translation of the sentences in swedish:
"Aj" - "Ouch"
"Förlåt, förlåt, jag har ingen aning om hur…" - "Sorry, sorry, I have no idea how..."
"Voi vittu" is finnish and I'm not going to translate that (hint: it's a swear)
And one more thing: I don't own the Nightmare Before Christmas either, or A Very Potter Musical (or Sequel).
Right now it seems like this site hates me so that's why the title of the story and the title of the chapter isn't in the center as I told them to be.