SEASON ONE
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Episode 1: Wolf Moon
Scott: We're seriously doing this?
Stiles: You're the one always bitching that nothing ever happens in this town.
Scott: Why do I put up with this again?
Stiles: Mostly because I'm awesome, but also the blowjobs. Those two are not mutually exclusive, by the way. Now come on.
Scott: But… I wanted to get rest before practice tomorrow.
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Episode 2: Second Chance at First Line
Stiles: Just try not to worry about too much while you're out there, okay? Or get too angry. Or stressed.
Scott: I got it.
Stiles: Don't think about Allison being in the stands. Or that her father's trying to kill you. Or that Derek's trying to kill you. Or the girl he killed. Or that you might kill someone if a Hunter doesn't kill you first. Definitely don't think about that bet we made over the summer or that if we lose a game you're actually playing in, you'll have to wear ladies' underwear for the next week. Or that if we win the game, I'll be wearing ladies' underwear for a week. 'Cause that may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now, in retrospect, getting your blood pressure up thinking about me in lacy panties probably wasn't the best incentive we could have come up with.
Scott: I'm not letting you out of the bet just because I got bit by a werewolf and you've suddenly realized you're gonna lose.
Stiles: But… werewolf bite. That's like cheating.
Scott: No, it isn't. It's not like I went out looking to get bitten and being able to use this thing to get you into panties is the first good thing to come out of it. Bet's still on and we are winning this game.
Stiles: …good luck.
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Episode 3: Pack Mentality
Mrs. McCall: And, by the way, do either of you care that there's a police enforced curfew?
Scott/Stiles: No.
Mrs. McCall: No, alright then. Well, you know what? That's about enough parenting for me for one night. Just… goodnight. *walks out*
Scott/Stiles: …
Mrs. McCall: *walks back in* Use a condom. Now, I'm done. *walks out*
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Episode 4: Magic Bullet
Stiles: I don't think you should be barking orders with the way you look. And… and, in fact, I think, if I wanted to, I could drag your little werewolf ass into the middle of the road and leave you for dead.
Derek: Start the car, or I'm gonna rip your throat out. With my teeth.
Stiles: *starts the car, mumbling* As apposed to what, your cock?
Derek: I heard that. And if I survive this, we'll explore that option.
Stiles: That wasn't… I didn't… shut up and let me drive.
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Episode 5: The Tell
Sheriff: Please tell me I'm gonna hear good news at this parent/teacher thing.
Stiles: Depends on how you define good news?
Sheriff: I define it as you getting straight A's and not having been caught in a supply closet making out with your boyfriend. Again.
Stiles: He's not my boyfriend, Dad, we're… best friends with benefits.
Sheriff: Stiles…
Stiles: Just… might want to rethink that definition, that's all.
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Episode 6: Heart Monitor
Scott: Still not talking to me?
Stiles: …
Scott: Can you at least tell me if your dad's okay? I mean it's just a bruise right? Some soft tissue damage? Nothing… that big?
Stiles: …
Scott: You know I feel really bad about it, right?
Stiles: …
Scott: Okay. What if I told you that I'm trying to figure this whole thing out and… that I went to Derek for help?
Stiles: If I was talking to you, I'd say that you're an idiot for trusting him, but obviously, I'm not talking to you.
Scott: What if I offered to skip next class and give you a handy?
Stiles: My dad could have been killed.
Scott: Fine. A blow job.
Stiles: And?
Scott: And… I'll let you fondle my nipples.
Stiles: There we go.
Scott: You know that makes me really uncomfortable.
Stiles: Yeah, but I enjoy it and this is about me.
Scott: I thought this was about your dad.
Stiles: Hey, we agreed not to bring parents into the benefits part of our friendship. Unless, of course, you want me to show up in scrubs again.
Scott: Fine.
Stiles: Fine. … I'm sorry, dude, I'm not that mad. We don't have to do the nipple thing.
Scott: No, I kind of get off on it, just… I'm not a girl, you know.
Stiles: Scott, between your six pack and your dick, it's pretty clear you're not a girl.
Scott: Thanks, man.
Teacher: Are two finished or is there something else you'd like to share with the class?
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Episode 7: Night School
Stiles: Blood spurted out of his mouth, okay? That doesn't exactly qualify as a minor injury. He's dead and we're next.
Scott: Okay, okay, just… what do we do?
Stiles: … Quickie in the supply closet for old times' sake?
Scott: What?! No!
Stiles: But I don't want to die a virgin!
Scott: Number of times you've sucked my cock, I'm not sure you qualify as a virgin anymore and, even if you do, nothing is going near my ass tonight. Now, come up with a better plan!
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Episode 8: Lunatic
Scott: *pulls out chains* Think I was gonna let you put these on? Chain me up like a dog?
Stiles: Maybe? If you were feeling kinky.
Scott: What?
Stiles: Hah! *cuffs Scott to radiator* Fell for it!
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Episode 9: Wolf's Bane
Jackson: I know what you are McCall.
Scott: What?
Jackson: I know what you are.
Scott: No, just… look, just because me and Stiles fool around doesn't make me, you know, gay. Strictly.
Jackson: What? No, not that. God, everyone knows about that.
Scott: Everyone?
Jackson: Everyone.
Scott: … Does everyone include Allison?
Jackson: Did I say everyone except Allison? No, I said everyone.
Scott: Oh, god.
Jackson: Get ahold of yourself, Romeo. She's your guys' biggest fan.
Scott: Really?!
Jackson: You know what, no, this is not what I came here to talk to you about.
-and-
Peter: That's not nice. She's my nurse.
Derek: She's a psychotic bitch helping you kill people. *to Stiles* Get out of the way.
Stiles: Ah, damn, you are so hot right now.
Derek: Stiles…
Stiles: Scott was right, I'm ass over heals for you. Literally. I'm pretty flexible, so…
Derek: Get down!
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Episode 10: Co-Captain
Stiles: *runs in* Dude, we've got a huge problem.
Scott: Trust me, I know.
Stiles: No, you don't.
Scott: I know about Peter. Derek was here. With him.
Stiles: Oh, well, okay, yeah, that too, but, also I think I, uh, I think I like Derek. As in, like like him.
Scott: What?
Stiles: And I kind of told him.
Scott: How did he react?
Stiles: He told me to get down, then tried to kill his crazy uncle, or stop his crazy uncle from killing me, I'm still not sure. I think it's progress.
Scott: You do like a project.
Stiles: It helps with the ADHD.
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Episode 11: Formality
Jackson: You want me to take her to the formal?
Scott: I don't want you to, I need you to.
Jackson: You know what? Screw you. Screw you, too. In fact, screw each other.
Stiles: That's an option.
Scott: What?
Stiles: If it'll help. I'm just saying, I'm up for it.
Scott: That is so sweet of you. Man, you really are my best friend.
Stiles: With benefits.
Scott: And the benefits are good.
Jackson: Are you two done? God, you're so sweet together it's pathetic.
Episode 12: Code Breaker
Peter: Call your friend. Tell Jackson where she is. That's all you get.
Stiles: You know you really have the market cornered on creepy uncle.
Peter: Oh, you have no idea. Just wait till I get you alone in a parking garage.
Stiles: That is… not nearly as upsetting as it should be.
-and-
Stiles: Dad, tell me. Look, we know it has something to do with Derek.
Sheriff: I thought you two said you barely knew him.
Stiles: Okay, we might know him a little better then that.
Sheriff: How much better?
Stiles: Remember when I said I didn't have a boyfriend?
Sheriff: Stiles, you can not be serious!
Stiles: Well, it isn't official or even unofficially official. I'm actually not sure what he even thinks of the idea, because he disappeared before he could tell me, but…
Sheriff: *grabs Stiles* You do realize that I'm elected to this position?
-and-
Stiles: And then Allison's dad showed up and he threw me around and questioned me.
Scott: Dude, really? What is it with you and older men?
Stiles: I know right. I mean, I get it with my dad. I'm a pain in his ass.
Scott: You're a pain in a lot of peoples' asses.
Stiles: I am, but Peter and Mr. Argent? In the same night? That was just uncalled for.
Scott: Maybe…
Stiles: What?
Scott: Maybe it was for the fangirls.
Stiles: Oh, god, I hope not.
Scott: Why?
Stiles: Because then it might happen again next season.