Title: Objections
Summary: In a season six AU, Robin is the only one saying "I do" at Barney and Nora's wedding.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything vaguely related to HIMYM. This is my own what-if imagining.
I stood up. Oh God, I stood up. The officiant asked if
there was any reason why Barney and Nora should not be
married and I stood. I'm the only person who's going to say
"I do" at Barney's wedding, but the words come out of my
mouth all on their own. Heads turn in my direction like a
wind swept through the church. Ted taps Barney on the
shoulder and Barney turns around. He mouths my name and all
I can do is look at him because I have never wanted a
teleprompter more in my life.
"What the hell, Barney?" is the first thing I come out
with, followed by "Sorry, Father," but once I started, I
couldn't stop. "You're not ready for this. Neither of you
are. You don't know each other. If you're going to commit
to something, commit to something real. Something you know
is going to last for the rest of your lives, because that's
what this is. Marriage isn't a one night stand you can slip
out of while the other person's in the shower. If this is
what you want, what you really, really want," I pause here,
and we share the briefest flash of a smile. I know we're
both thinking about the Spice Girls song even though it's
entirely inappropriate, but it's us and that's what we do.
Everybody is quiet, and I feel every eye in the place on
me, but Barney's most of all. The officiant stares at me,
hard. Nora's parents stare at me harder. Lily moves
forward, but Marshall holds her back. Ted's eyebrows pinch,
like he's trying to start some silent conversation. I'm not
listening. All I can see is Barney and that look on his
face I've never seen before. I can't stop.
"If you really, truly want to marry Nora, then that's what
I want for you and you should finish the ceremony and start
your lives. If it isn't, this is going to kill you and that
would kill me. It would kill all of us to see you give your
heart to someone who isn't right for you. If what you guys
have is real, then it will still be there next year, next
decade. Even tomorrow, but, um," I pause, and all of a
sudden I don't have any more words. "That's it," I finish,
and since I don't know what else to do, I sit down.
It's even quieter. The officiant leans in toward Barney and
Nora and says something nobody else can hear. Then he opens
a door at the rear of the altar and Barney and Nora follow
him through it. It's quieter still. Lily tells me later
that everybody was talking, but I only remember a silence
so loud I was willing to abandon my shoes and climb over a
whole pew full of strangers to get out of the church.
The officiant comes out, alone and whispers something to
Ted. If there's ever a perfect moment for me to make my
exit, this is it, when all eyes are on him. It's Ted's
voice that stops me. "Barney and Nora want to thank
everybody for coming to celebrate with them, but they need
to discuss some things, so we're not going to have a
ceremony today. They'd like everybody to please enjoy the
reception."
I know there's more, directions and mention of an open bar,
and normally I'd be all for that but right now, all I can
think of is that this is the second ex's wedding I've been
at and the second one that didn't happen. There could be a
story in that and even as I'm pushing past other guests
making their way to the exit, part of me is making notes
for the idea that's forming in the back of my mind. When
weddings go bust; I can do something with that. This one,
though, I want to get as far away from, as soon as
possible.
I step out of my shoes and carry them, abandoning the walk
out front for the path that curves around back. There's a
marble bench near the old churchyard and I drop down onto
that. Footsteps crunch the gravel on the path. Lily, I
think, but the footsteps are more solid. Probably Ted, and
I shake my head at the thought of one ex consoling me at
another ex's wedding.
"Is this seat taken?" The voice isn't Ted's.
I look up. It's Barney. "Shouldn't you be with Nora? Ted
said you guys had to talk."
"Yeah, short conversation," he says as he sits down next to
me. "I told Nora you were right and she agreed. We're not
getting married. She's going on the honeymoon with her
mother and I have the weekend to get my stuff out of the
apartment."
"I'm sorry."
Barney takes the flower from his lapel and twirls it
between his fingers. "Don't be. Most of what you said was
right on the money."
"Most of it?"
He lets out a long breath. "I do know Nora. She's all the
things that are great about you, without the parts that
make me crazy."
"Hey."
"Chill, Sherbatsky. I'm not finished. The parts that make
me crazy are the parts I love the most. I want the crazy. I
need the crazy. Now, tomorrow, forever." He stops there,
and drops to one knee, holding out the single red rosebud.
"That's what was missing. All that stuff I told Nora I
wanted, I do, but not with her. With you. Robin Charles
Sherbatsky, Junior, will you, after a socially acceptable
interval of time, marry me?"
I blink. I bite the inside of my cheek. I check the flask
in my purse to make sure it's still full and I didn't chug
the whole thing in the vestibule. Nope. This is real.
"You're an idiot. You can't propose to me on the same day
you were going to marry Nora."
Barney's mouth twitches, that flash of a smile that I know
is still going to melt my knees when I'm eighty. "Challenge
accepted."