A/N: This segment is BACK! I don't own anything.

Hey, kids! You want the best know-how for explosives and fun today? If you do, then keep reading this! Of course, I don't know why you're reading this if you don't want to learn how to make this Independence Day better. Anyway, read on!

1. Be creative!

Everyone uses the same colors. It gets boring! So, I make sure to use ingredients that will produce grey-colored sparkles! You say that it won't show up at night? That's why I only set off fireworks during the morning! It's easier and you're less tired! Just make sure to avoid the cops. They might have some questions for you.

2. Have a feast!

Barbecues are traditional during the summer, especially today. Therefore, you should buy every piece of meat in town, no matter how expensive! When an angry mob comes to your doorway, sell most of the meat back to them! When they come back for condiments and pickles, raise the prices even more! Alternately, tell them it was Gideon's idea. No one likes that guy anymore! HA!

3. History!

I may not be a scholar, but I do know that families retell the story of how America appeared every Independence Day, complete with handing out little candy American flags and hanging up "Freedom Stockings" next to a tree decorated with burning sparklers. After the fire department left, we would hug, eat, and recite! Practice these traditions!

That's all for today! I have to go buy some sparklers!

"Okay, Dipper, push the button!" Grunkle Stan, Wendy, Soos, and Mabel stood behind a gigantic barricade as Dipper stood near the fireworks detonator.

"Uh, I don't think this is a good idea." Dipper started to edge away from the machine.

Grunkle Stan poked his head out from the area. "Come on, Dipper! It's perfectly safe!" The machine smoked and vibrated. "I'm Grunkle Stan! When have I ever done anything to hurt you?"

"Getting us sent to jail?" Dipper suggested. He could have listed more, but Waddles toddled up, let out an adorable sigh, and sat on the machine, setting off the fireworks.

Meanwhile, Toby Determined rode in a helicopter, carrying a barometer and a microphone. "I'm so glad that the news gave me a trial period as a weather correspondent! Shandra has to respect me now!"

The fireworks destroyed his helicopter, sending the ruined remains flying into the Mystery Shack.

THE END

This story is dedicated to the many helicopters who have died on Independence Day by Grunkle Stan's incompetent hand. Oh, and to Toby, who's in the hospital for a broken arm.