Dijon, the water seller
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife
Based on a scan of "Liquid Diet', from Cartoon Tales #9.
Also in what Boom calls, with a stright face, "Darkwing Duck Classics". Since I can't say anything nice about THAT...I will say nothing at all.
I have often rewritten (and redrawn)as "Ducktales" stories DW stories I found, unaccountably, in Madame Trash Heap.
A nameless DW fan has informed me that DW asked Launchpad to be CEO of a huge clogeration.
You might as well ask Mr. McDuck to design a high tech airplane. Mr. McDee is great at running businesses, even huge ones. He knows bupkus about designing airplanes.
Launchpad can design airplanes, even high tech ones. He knows bupkus about running a business. I love the guy, but let's get real here.
Neither of them is the slightest bit stupid. Just smart on different subjects.
I'm considering this as "proof postive" that the "Launchpad McQuack" in DW is a FAKE!
"Launchpad! Fly me to the outskirts of Duckburg this minute! To the old Reinsilver bottling plant!" Mr. McDuck bellowed.
"What's wrong, Mr. McD?" Launchpad asked.
"DIJON now owns that plant! I just found out about it!" Mr. McDuck replied.
"How'd HE get the money for a bottle of the stuff without stealing it?" Launchpad asked.
"THAT'S what I want to know! That's why I want you to fly me there! I intend to find that out!" Mr. McDuck answered.
Soon, Launchpad landed perfectly near the bottling plant, now being fixed up. Mr. McDuck stormed into Dijon's office, Dijon hid under a chair.
"There is nobody here! Office is empty! Please go home!" Dijon lied sillily.
Mr. McDuck grabbed Dijon and pulled him up.
"Where did you get the money to buy this place?" Mr. McDuck demanded.
"Dijon WIN place! On game show! "Let's make a steal!" Dijon began.
"It is supposed to be booby prize! Place went out of business because materials cost too much and roof leaks due to too many rain! In Dijon's country, people collect rainwater on rare occasion it rain!" Dijon continued.
"Here, they sell water, despite having plenty of it! So Dijon get loan for new roof, collect rainwater, filter it and sell it! For a dollar an 8 ounce bottle! And this is LEGAL, yet!" Dijon finished.
"Hmpf. Show me around. NOW!" Mr. McDuck ordered.
So Dijon showed Mr. McDuck the giant rain barrel that rain from the new roof rolled into. Dijon showed the filters that filtered out the rainwater. And how the purified rainwater went into bottles, ready to sell.
"So all it's costing you is empty bottles, bottle caps and labels?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"Place had plenty of empty bottles when I won it! And they are GLASS bottles! When redeemed, Dijon put them in machine, it washes them. They are refilled and used again! " Dijon said.
"Cost Dijon bottle caps, labels, filters, rain barrel, loan on roof...not much, since Dijon not have to pay loan right away!" Dijon said.
"Dijon live in factory. So Dijon not tempted to steal. Dijon not need to steal now...but it is compulsion! So Dijon stay in factory where Dijon not tempted." Dijon said.
"So you don't even have to pay a night watchman! Hmpf!" Mr. McDuck said.
"Launchpad! Take me out of here! I KNOW something fishy is going on here, but I can't figure out what!" Mr. McDuck hollered.
"Take it easy, Mr. McD! Maybe this is legit? Dijon is making a lot of money LEGALLY...why does he need to steal anymore?" Launchpad asked.
"Some people just like to steal! Just naturally dishonest! And Dijon's one of them! Even if he's trying to go straight...NO! My instincts tell me something is wrong here! Mr. McDuck said.
LATER...Mr. McDuck was watching a commercial for Dijon's filtered rainwater. They were running on the TV every 2.5 seconds...or so it seemed. And Mr. McDuck watched them and muttered bad words under his breath.
"How is he affording all these ads?" screamed Mr. McDuck.
The answer was simple: Dijon had gone to FLINTHEART GLOMGOLD for his loan. And of course, Flinty had cheated Dijon. Flinty now owned the water bottling plant in all but name. Dijon was legally the owner...but Flinty controlled them, paying Dijon a pittance for officially "owning" them.
Dijon didn't care, he had a place to live, plenty of food and a little bit of money. And somebody else made the decisions on how to run the plant, but he was officially in charge.
The ads brainwashed whoever watched them too often. they left a post-hypnotic suggestion: whenever the effected person saw a picture of Scrooge McDuck, they robbed the store they were in and left the stolen goods at Dijon's factory.
Mr. McDuck stores had photos of him all over. People who had watched too many Dijon ads robbed the store when they saw the photos and took the goods to Dijon's factory. That way Dijon would be blamed. HOWEVER...MR. MCDUCK HAD WATCHED WAY TOO MANY OF THOSE ADS!
Mr. McDuck was soon summoned to his main department store becase his stores were sufffering from an usually HIGH number of shoplifting incidents.
"The weird thing is, the stolen items are often cheap junk. It's like the shoplifter just steals the first small item they see." department store manager said. "We get a certain number of kleptomanics, but nothing like THIS."
Then Mr. McDuck caught sight of his own reflection in a mirror. Then he grabbed a cheap necklace and was about to pocket in when he mouthed the post-hyponotic suggestion: " See Mr. McDuck, steal from Mr. McDuck"
"Wait a minute! I'M Mr. McDuck! What am I doing stealing from MYSELF?" Mr. McDuck.
"Are you OK, Mr. McDuck? You looked like you were in some sort of trance." the manager asked.
"I was! I was about to steal from myself! Some kind of hyponotic suggestion to rob this store came over me when I saw myself! I felt compelled to take something from the store and bring it to Dijon's factory! And Dijon's not clever enough to do that!" Mr. McDuck said "But Flintheart IS! And he hates me enough to brainwash people into stealing from me and making sure if anybody gets blamed it'll be Dijon and NOT Flinty!"
And Mr. McDuck dug out his cell phone.
"Launchpad! Get here at once! You're flying me to Dijon's factory at ONCE!" Mr. McDuck bellowed.
"Be there before you can say "Jack Robinson", Mr. McDee" Launchpad replied.
And Launchpad practically was.
"Launchpad, you were actually RIGHT about something for a change! Dijon ISN'T up to no good!" Mr. McDuck began
" But Flintheart is using Dijon as a dupe! Flintheart placed hyponotic suggestions in Dijon's TV ads, so they brainwash people into stealing from me and bringing the stolen loot to Dijon's factory! That way, I get hurt and if anybody get blamed, it's Dijon!" Mr. McDuck continued.
"I got brainwashed from the ads and woke up when I realized I was stealing from myself! Since you were actually RIGHT about Dijon trying to go stright, I figured you should be in on trying to clear him and nail Flinty!" Mr. McDuck finished.
"What if Flinty thinks you're STILL brainwashed? If he thinks you've been hynotized, he'll try to take advantage of you!" Launchpad suggested.
"Flintheart won't pick up the stolen items from Dijon's factory himself. He'll send a flunky. But...I could put tracers on the "stolen" items I bring to Dijon's factory. The flunky will take any valuable item and leave the cheap junk to frame Dijon, in case anything goes wrong." Mr. McDuck said.
"We can follow those tracers in my plane! I can pick you up as soon as you drop off the "stolen" items at Dijon's factory!" Launchpad replied.
So a "hyponotized" Mr. McDuck left valuable "stolen" items at Dijon's factory...with hidden tracers in them. Soon, Mr. McDuck was in Launchpad's plane, watching the scanner, waiting for the "blip" from the tracers to move.
Launchpad was soon following the 'blip" in his plane. The flunky had taken the items to a pawn shop owned by Flintheart Glomgold. It's manager was a crook. He knew he was buying stoten items, but didn't care. (1)
Launchpad called the cops. The cops, with Mr. McDuck and Launchpad, soon stormed the pawn shop and found and identified the stolen items. Since Flinty owned the place, he was legally responsible for what it's manager did.
But the manager and the flunky and Flintheart all swore up and down that Flintheart knew nothing about buying stolen items.
Mr. Mcduck took Flintheart aside.
"I didn't give Dijon a loan for that new roof. So I figured one of your banks must of. I checked the loan agreement. You cheated Dijon. You own his factory in all but name. It's not exactly illegal what you did...but people might not want a loan from your banks if word of your tricking him in to handing over control of his factory to you gets around." Mr. McDuck said.
"Stop the hyponotizing ads. Give Dijon control of his factory once more. And I'll drop all charges against you. I know a clever lawyer could get you off...but it would cost you time, money and make you look bad." Mr. McDuck offered.
"Why do you care about Dijon?" Flintheart demanded.
"He's trying to go stright! And everybody deserves a second chance!" Mr. McDuck replied.
So Mr. McDuck took over the loan on Dijon's roof. Dijon got control over his own factory. The ads stopped. And while manager and flunky went to jail, Flintheart got off clean. Which he would of anyway, but this was easier and faster.
The End.
(1) All occupations have a few bad apples who make the rest look bad.