The first time was his sisters. Much too young to understand what it meant and why it was important. Just a quiet whisper of

"Love you Iza-nii"

As he tucked them in. He didn't reply to it, he knew they couldn't possibly mean it because they didn't know what love was. It' not like their parents were ever around to teach them.

The second time was Shinra, teasing and uncaring. Izaya had done him a favor and Shinra had laughed.

"Thanks~ I love you when you act like this."

Izaya had just laughed back but inside he was frowning. Why make the joke? How did he normally act that Shinra would only even jokingly love him when he was useful? He didn't normally let things like this bother him but for some reason a pit formed in his stomach at those words. He was glad that class started back up soon afterward, he didn't want Shinra to notice his distraction.

The third time was meant to be sarcastic, meant to hurt him.

"You know if you would just change everything about yourself I could find it in my "cold black heart" to love you."

And Izaya once more had to laugh through the pit in his stomach.

"Namie-san overestimates my desire for her love. And what of Seji if I changed myself? No, I don't think even I'm cruel enough to take away Seji's sister from him."

The slam of the door as Namie stormed out was a nice accompaniment to his black thoughts.

The fourth time was Izaya looking at himself in the mirror. There were bags under his eyes and try as he might he couldn't force himself to smile.

"Well, if nobody else can bring themselves to mean it then I suppose that leaves me. I love me."

And even as he turned away he knew that was a lie as well.

The fifth time was Shizuo, words spoken softly in his ear followed by a chaste kiss. But even then Izaya couldn't believe it, how could he? Even he couldn't love himself. And if Shizuo could change from hating him to loving him so simply then he might go back to normal any second. Izaya was almost constantly worried that Shizuo would realize he wasn't worth it. That he, Izaya Orihara, was unlovable and always would be.