Hello, this is Mim! Me and Eris were bored and this is the result of our…interesting minds. We enjoyed it immensely and I hope you guys do as well!
Severus Snape was a good minion. He listened to Voldemort's every complaint. He didn't argue back or comment at all, he only listened like a good minion should.
But in his head there was a whole different universe. That universe usually stayed locked up inside his head, except for that one fateful day that even Voldemort shudders to talk about.
It was a fateful day indeed….
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"Severus! Have I told you that Potter is getting on my nerves! Have I told you that?"
"No, my lord." Only thirty times a day! Severus continued to drawl inside his mind, oh how he wanted to say that aloud. How wonderful would that be! Maybe he could strangle him as well… how to bind his magic first… hmmmm.
"I thought so. I was going to enter his mind again, but it's so pure, peaceful, perky and- worst of all- peppy! There's so many P's. Agh, it makes me sick!"
"Of course it does, my lord. I will see to it that the letter P is removed from those horrid dictionaries immediately," Severus said with a snap of his fingers. Some loser Death Eater hurried off to do it, God knows how.
That idiot, how does he expect to stop production in the first place… then again who wishes to please this bald Mr. Whiny Moldieshorts anyway…. I wonder if his shorts really are Moldy….
Because something far more horrible than Voldemort's horcruxes was known to Severus: Voldemort's love for short shorts…. It was disgusting, especially when Voldemort went to swim. *Shudder* Good thing he wore robes most of the time.
"And worst of all that sappy Sapphic scalawag, senile, sparkly man Dumbledore! He's really frustrating me.! I hate the letter S as well, remove it, Severus! Oh wait, what will I call you? Hmm, how about Freddy-no, that's weird. I know! Barbie! It suits you perfectly what with your rosy cheeks."
"My lord? Are you okay…."
"You dare question me! Me, the ultimate conqueror of Death!" Voldemort raged.
SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
"Of course not my lord, I would never question you, with your infinite wisdom," Severus said quickly.
Which doesn't exist. Seriously- forgive the pun- who wishes to conquer death anyway, it's probably better there than here. You know, I don't know any real man who could go without a woman, but then again he's probably never been with a woman before…. I at least have my dungeon bat school girl fantasies. Heh.
As if Modieshorts- and yes Snape knew it was spelled incorrectly- had read his thoughts, he began ranting… about Potter's new girl. Oh how wonderful… Great… this really makes my day… not. Heh I'm funny.
"Did you know, Barbie- I just adore your rosy cheeks!- that Potter has got a girlfriend! I saw it in his vile little mind. How can he have a girlfriend! He has a scar on his face, for crying out loud!"
Well at least he's not bald! And doesn't have those slits or whatever- what is that on your face!
"Honestly, Barbie, you and I are both two men of a kind, always having trouble with women."
SILENCE! I KILL YOU!
"You know my lord, I know the perfect woman for you," Severus, or Barbie, purred.
"Really now? Do tell me more, it has been a lonesome existence, for someone as dashingly as handsome as I."
This man is a failure, he does not know that he isn't handsome. In fact he's ugly! Yes, I said it! I, Severus Snape, have admitted that is the reason why Malfoy has to replace all of his mirrors weekly! Heh.
"Of course, my Lord. In fact, I know that she happens to be free today."
"REALLY?" Moldieshorts – and yes Snape is still aware it is spelled wrong, but this is his nightmare! Or as it will turn, into the most amazing dreams of all dreams- squealed.
Oh yes, squealing. To what will that man- no I beg your pardon, creature- degrade himself to now.
"I can floo her right now, if it is what you wish of course, my lord." Barbie bowed hastily.
WAIT THIS MY STORY I AM NOT BARBIE, MY NAME IS DAISY! No wait, I MEANT SEVERUS! I DID I SWEAR… those brats… they have infiltrated my mind… I will kill them all! Teenagers…. Hey… that's a song, They said that teenagers scare the living shit out of me, They could care less as long as someone'll bleed. So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose, Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me! Heh… I like that song…. Heh, I'm still funny.
"Barbie what are you humming?" Voldemort asked.
"Nothing my lord, nothing at all. I'm just going to make that phone call."
"What phone! I thought I told you I despise muggle devices!"
"Floo call, that's what I said my lord. Your ears my lord, ah, they might still be ringing from Draco's… performance. If that's what you want to call it."
"I don't think it deserves something that nice. Well, carry on. I want to meet this girl, WAIT. What is she like?"
Am I really playing matchmaker for the Dark Lord, wait. This will make me happy. I shall see this scoundrel suffer as he made me suffer. I still haven't forgotten Bellatrix! That man forcing me to witness…that. *Shudder* That's all I'm saying. Heh, still funny.
"She is…," Ugly, conniving, evil, fat, and the most horrid of all… pink. SCARY! Heh, still got it. I'm good, not even Black can touch my legacy.
"She's a delightful woman, beautiful even some believe, um the blind ones…. I meant, only the most intellectual can see her, um, stunning philosophies and good looks. In fact, she carries in such a manner that even you would be appa… I mean um, er, delighted."
Sure, um, sounds good enough, the bumbling idiot will fall for it.
"She sounds… perfect. Just what I want, what I've always dreamed of," Modlieshorts began to daydream… THE IMAGES, MY BRAIN IS SCARRED FOR LIFE! WHY AM I A SKILLED LEGILIMENS! I despise the day I chose that course of action, stupid me. Still funny though, heh.
"Call for her at once Barbie!"
"Of course, my lord," Severus replied hurrying away. This will be great, heh.
~One painstakingly anxious hour later~
"Barbie has she arrived! I heard the doorbell! I'm not ready yet! Wait! I need my cologne-" Modieshorts screamed.
"My lord! Calm yourself. She has arrived."
"Hooray!"
Did he just squeal? Again! I need a Tylenol.
"Oh Voldy!" the high voice of none other than Dolores Umbridge wafted over.
Oh yes, you read that right. Heh. Still got it.
"Um…who are you?"
"The love of your life!" Umbridge squealed.
"Really?" Modieshorts said nervously. He swept his cold-currently frightened beyond belief- gaze over the obnoxiously pink figure before him.
Meet your match Dark Lord. Heh, Moldieshorts.
"Have you been waiting for me?" she squealed. She didn't just squeal though, she screamed and ran over to give Voldemort a hug. Yeah. Heh.
Snape left them alone for an hour. He relished the screams emitting from the room.
Best. Day. Ever.
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Voldemort never spoke of that day again. Luckily for Moldieshorts, Severus removed Umbridge's memory of that fateful day. Not a single Death Eater was allowed to recount the day without dying a horrible death.
When Harry had the incredible fortune to see the event in the Pensieve, he truly felt his life was complete.
~Fin~