The Colonel Plays Cupid

A fanfic inspired by the crazy episode 37 (The Flame Alchemist, The Bachelor Lieutenant, and The Mystery of Warehouse 13). Read and review, please. And I don't claim any ownership over any of the characters used in this fic. This is a fan fiction, folks. The fic is mine, but the characters aren't (unfortunately).

x0x0x

"Col.Mustang, sir…"

Colonel Roy Mustang, who was busy reading the newspaper, turned a page and ignored the lieutenant. Hawkeye was forced to repeat herself in order to be heed. "Col. Mustang…"

"Yes?"

"It's Lt. Havoc…" Hawkeye said worriedly.

"What about him?"

"I think you should come here and take a quick look at him."

Realizing that the woman would stop at nothing, Mustang folded the paper, settled it onto his desk and slowly walked toward the windows. It did not require much effort from him to locate the lieutenant-in-question sitting beneath a tree.

"Oh, don't worry about him. He's a man, he'll be okay in no time."

"Sir, he's been like that for nearly a month!"

Mustang remembered the Katherine Armstrong Incident (Havoc was forcibly sent to the Armstrong Manor to date Major Armstrong's timid sister – Katherine – but was rejected) and exhaled. Lt. Hawkeye was right, Havoc's been like that for a long time. "They still haven't found him a girl?!"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Call Breda. Tell him that I'm ordering him to look for…"

"He'd already given up sir, remember?"

"Fuery."

She shook her head.

"Falman."

She shook her head. Mustang frowned. Since when did his troop's romantic lives become his problem?! These are adult breeders for crying out loud!

"Sir…"

He diverted his gaze from the pitiful officer outside to the grim lieutenant beside him. "These men respect you… you're like a father-figure to most of them.."

Mustang choked. "F-Father? I'm not that old! Maybe the Fuhrer… or General Haruko… "

"Seriously. You should care a bit more about these men. Besides, Havoc's attitude is affecting his work…"

Mustang paused to think."And his dysfunctional behavior will affect me."

Hawkeye nodded. "Precisely."

Mustang considered the matter, allowing it to sink in for a few minutes… until suddenly, a brilliant idea hit him. "Why don't you do it?"

"Sir, I don't have that much of a social life so I really don't have friends or acquaintances to introduce to him."

"I'm not asking you to find one."

"Sir?"

The mischievous grin on his face warned Hawkeye of a looming disaster. "Date the poor guy."

"No."

"That's an order!"

"NO!"

"But I thought you were concerned of Havoc."

"I-I was…"

"Then help the guy get out of his misery. Besides," He raised a brow. "I don't think you've dated anyone in ages."

"What exactly do you mean by that?!"

He shrugged. "Well, you said so yourself: you don't have that much of a social life." Mustang slid back into the seat behind his desk.

"But that doesn't mean I need one!"

"Yes you do. Go out on a date with him. If you're not comfortable about asking him out, I'll be happy to do it on your behalf."

"No."

"That's an order, Lt. Hawkeye."

"YOU-CAN'T-DO-THAT!"

He chuckled. "Oh yes I can."

x0x0x

For some reason which remained unknown to him, Havoc was suddenly called to the office of Colonel Roy Mustang. When he came opened the door and stepped inside, Mustang was unusually jovial and all-smiles (which is kind of suspicious) while Hawkeye was sporting a deep frown (which is… well, a normal thing for her)

"Sir?"

"Are you seeing anyone at the moment, Lt. Havoc?"

He frowned. "What did you say, sir?"

Mustang sighed, displaying irritation in being forced to repeat what he had said. "I'm asking if you're dating a girl."

He shook his head sadly.

"Well, I have found someone for you."

His heart flew to the air. Will the colonel atone for stealing his girl by helping them get back together again? "Y-you did, sir?"

"Yes." He was stroking the edges of his chin. Havoc was waiting for an answer which didn't come out. He was forced to ask another question. "W-who?"

Mustang beamed. "Well, Lt. Hawkeye, of course."

All color drained from Jean Havoc's face. "S-sir?" He stole a glance at Hawkeye whose expression remained unreadable. He couldn't tell if the lieutenant was fuming mad, irritated, or murderous and preferred to save any outbursts for later. But then, how come she's not disagreeing with the colonel? Lt. Hawkeye was never terrified of the colonel simply because… well… he never got mad at her. Not even once.

"Sir, I'm sorry but…"

Mustang's small amusement vaporized into thin air. "Are you rejecting my plan?"

His gaze bore into him, sending shivers to his spine. "Err… not really sir… b-but…"

"Not really?!" Mustang chuckled. "No wonder women are rejecting you! The secret, Havoc, is to be a man. Be brave. Be aggressive. Don't back out like that and look like a wuss. Stand straight."

Havoc straightened himself up.

"Now ask Lt. Hawkeye out."

"S-sir?"

Mustang groaned. "Don't look at me, you're being a wuss again! Look at Hawkeye. Be serious. And for crissakes, don't stammer!"

Havoc cleared his throat and walked toward Hawkeye with slow but sure steps. Be aggressive, he told himself as he looked deeply into her eyes. "Lieutenant Hawkeye..."

Mustang rolled his eyes. "Her name is Riza. Call her Riza."

"But sir…"

"There's that wuss again..."

Havoc cleared his throat. "Riza… it would very much honor me… if you'd agree to go out with me…"

Hawkeye, with that cold look on her face, raised a brow which almost made Havoc pee in his pants. "When?"

"Uhh… when?" Havoc looked at Mustang who rolled his eyes. Havoc swore he could hear his thoughts saying: "What a loser…".

"The lady is asking you when. I think what we humans do is answer that question."

"Uhm, are you free tomorrow night?"

Hawkeye nodded.

"Tomorrow night, then? Do you love the opera?"

"Opera is fine." Hawkeye answered lifelessly, as if reading words from paper.

"Good. Tomorrow night. I'll stop by your house after work."

"Havoc, you don't know where my house is."

Jean Havoc shrugged. "I'll find it."

"Okay."

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fW says: Unfortunately, I'm busy with summer class. hmpfh. I can't type my fics as quickly as before. But I promise to finish one chapter every week and upload it here immediately (every Sunday afternoon, pacific time). Sorry for the hassle. I'll keep this fic short, don't worry. Hope you'll like it.