Numbness

By: allie.

A/N: I just started watching Alias and I have seen most of the episodes from the first two seasons and all of season three. But I was writing the other day and this just came out. Please tell me what you think. Just a side note... I didn't want to kill him I swear!

Spoilers: None

Summary: When all you feel is numbness, you start to welcome the pain just to know that your alive. Character Death.


******************************

Sydney's POV

The hours seem to be ticking away and as I sit here wondering what I have done in my life I start to wonder... does life really have a purpose? Some days I can sit in my room, or at my desk noticing the movement around me, the people; they are just going through the motions of everyday life, and I wonder if they really know what tomorrow is going to bring. If they know that nothing can ever happen the same way twice.

I've fallen in love and I have walked that road. The one where you are as high as a kite and you think that nothing can bring you down. You don't understand how times is passing you by because you have been in your own world hoping that this feeling; the feeling of being loved, feeling that you are needed, the feeling that you are protected. Never goes away.

But then it does, and there is nothing but numbness. You don't know where to turn, and then there is an onslaught of pain and there is no where to run and hide. But you know that you would rather feel the pain then nothingness because at least the pain is telling you that you are alive. But the numbness feels so good, it is so much better then lying on your bed each night crying yourself asleep wondering what is going to happen when you get up.

Your friends watch you like a hawk watches its pray. They don't want to take there eyes off you for one second, because they are affraid that if they do, they'll lose you to yourself. They don't know how you feel, and they aren't trying to tell you that they do. They just want you to know that they are there for you and that you can go to them, talk to them if you need to. They are there for you.

You start to cry again. That is what he told you. That he would always be there for you. That you wouldn't have to worry. It would all be okay, because he would be your gardian angel, and you believed him. You thought that he would always be there. You needed him, you need him. But now he can't be there for you. He's gone and your lost without him.

Before he was in your life you convinsed yourself that you didn't need anyone. Alone you could take on the world and you would be fine. You would beat the odds. You never knew that one day, this man with light brown hair, and dark green eye would rock your world so out of wack that you would need to hold on to something to keep from falling.

Your stuck in the world between reality and your dreams. They are starting to blend together more these days, and soon you can't tell which is which. You start to wonder if any of the things that you are remembering ever really happened, or if they are just a figment of your imagination.

The truth and the lies start to blend together and your starting to trip over them again and again. You don't remember what you told Franice, Will, Weiss, your dad. It is all just starting to be one big web of fragments of the truth. You don't know what is a lie or the truth anymore. You can't understand why you are having such a hard time facing the truth that Vaughn isn't coming back. There is no reason why you can't handle this news like anyone else who has lost someone.

It can't be that hard to get up each day and try to face the facts that the man you love isn't coming back. You did it once before with Danny. You lived through that. You were able to pull yourself out of that slump. Why is this time so much different? It's different because Vaughn was your soulmate. That one person that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with, and you can't face the truth that he is gone.

There are some people that can face the facts that there loved one isn't going to come back. That they aren't going to be able to talk to them anymore. Share those moments together that you now have forever stored in the back of your mind for safe keeping, clining on to them so that you don't forget them.

But for some reason, you can't understand, you can't let go. Every little detail of everyday life seems to trigger a memory for you. You can't look into the eyes of your friends and not seem him staring back at you.

There are somedays that are better then other. Most are still blending together in a way that makes you question if you even sleep anymore. But there is one thing that will never leave your mind. No matter how deprived of sleep you are. No matter how many drinks you have had. You loved him, and he died knowing that. He died knowing that you loved him, and that he loved you too. No matter what form of torture, beatings, drinks, lies, truths, dreams, memories can keep that from you.