A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS: That's Amore
A Series of Unfortunate Events is property of HarperCollins.
"Duncan, do I look good in this?" Moira Tucker asked.
"Yes, Moira. I would advise you shelve the ballet tights- Sinclair might use that as blackmail!" Duncan Quagmire answered.
"Okay, Dun! I just need to find my new grape-flavored lipstick!" Moira chirped.
Duncan groaned. Ever since Isadora had caught him being smooched by Moira, it had been dating advice 24/7. And tonight's date was particularly grim for Duncan- a fundraiser ball at the Nicholson Hotel (under new management). His mind was applying Murphy's Law at every turn. Just then, Moira ran down the stairs. Her outfit included a pastel pink cardigan, white stiletto heels, and a striped skirt. Duncan's mind finally gave up on Murphy's Law for the time being.
The taxi pulled up at the Nicholson Hotel. The building itself resembled an Art Deco Xanadu, although the architect had apparently thrown in some ornate steel gargoyles before construction began. Duncan was the first to exit, dressed in a blue and white checkered suit. A few seconds afterwards, Moira almost skipped out of the back seat. Now, it was time to face the music.
The odd couple entered the Nicholson Hotel's ballroom. Just then, Duncan heard a voice that was all too familiar.
"Get her out of here! Cardigans are definitely not 'in'." A distinctly female voice announced in a heavy Brooklyn accent.
"Mrs. Squalor, calm down. It's my hospital that's hosting this ball." A distinctly male voice responded in a Dixie accent.
"Shut your trap, you cakesniffer of a shrink!" Another female voice retorted in a London accent.
"Respect you elders, Miss Spats! And you are to address me as 'Doctor', not 'cakesniffer'." The man ordered.
Duncan knew two of those voices: Esme Squalor and Carmelita Spats. As for the man, he had no idea. Just then, the three arguers entered Duncan's line of sight. Esme was in a tacky American flag dress; Carmelita was clad in an equally gaudy Canadian flag dress; and the man was in a formal tuxedo.
"Doctor White!" Moira exclaimed at the man wearing the tuxedo.
Oh no! Not Doctor Harlan White! Duncan thought.
Later, Moira made a beeline for the refreshments table. This was where things started to go wrong for Duncan. Just as he was about to remind Moira that there were many more guests at the ball, he ran into his boss and editor: Vincent Burke. And nearby was Michael Sinclair, Duncan's rival at the paper.
"Quagmire? What in blazes are you doing here?" Vincent asked.
"Would you believe my sister set me up on a date?" Duncan responded.
"Not really, chump." Michael Sinclair answered.
"Let me guess, Sinclair- you couldn't handle a little old grandma like Irene in the advice column." Duncan mocked.
"Watch who you're talking to, buddy!" Michael snapped.
"I think the world was safer when you wrote editorials." Duncan replied.
"You little-" Michael started.
"Break it up! If this ever happens at an event like this again, you're both fired!" Vincent yelled.
"Yes, boss." The two reporters mumbled.
After that, Moira and Duncan hit the dance floor. Surprisingly, Moira was a very good dancer. The orchestra's saxophones and trumpets blared throughout the ballroom. Just then, two familiar faces appeared out of the crowd.
"Duncan?" One of the people asked.
"Isadora?" Duncan replied.
"Klaus?" Moira asked.
"Moira?" Klaus Baudelaire replied.
Suddenly, the atmosphere in the room became very awkward for Duncan. Just then, Moira landed a very big smooch on Duncan's lips. Doctor White and his wife actually heard it across the room.
Later that night, Moira and Duncan returned home.
"Gee, that was fun! Can we do that again?" Moira asked.
Duncan was speechless. It had been a long night. First, it was the run-in with Doctor White, Carmelita Spats, and Esme Squalor. Then, Sinclair had nearly slugged him. And last but not least, there had been that incredibly awkward run-in with Klaus and Isadora.
"Moira, I think we should just stick with a movie next time." Duncan answered.
"How about we catch a sic-fi double feature?" Moira asked.
Duncan was unable to answer, because Moira leaned in and smooched him again. And this time, Duncan tasted grape-flavored lipstick. At least it hadn't been a total failure...