DISCLAIMER: i own nothing. jk rowling owns everything. any language used in this fic is not meant to offend anyone so please don't hate me.
STOP YOUR SOBBING:
Remus Lupin awoke in a cold sweat, panting slightly. He slid off his four poster bed and dry-heaved on the floor, doubled over on all fours. His hands trembled weakly under his weight. He collapsed, chest down, onto the stone floor and was still. Shallow, raspy breathing could be heard from where he lay face down on the dormitory floor. He silently prayed no one had heard him.
But just as he pulled his remaining strength together and was pulling himself back onto the bed, using the red curtains for support, a voice sounded out across the dark dormitory.
"Moons, that you?" came the hoarse, sleep ridden voice of Sirius Black. Remus paused where he was stooped over the bed, his knees bent painfully into the wooden surrounds of the bed frame. He tried to still his heavy breathing and willed Sirius to go back to sleep.
"Moony? Was it – was it another – you know?" Sirius asked hesitantly to the dark. Remus sighed heavily and dragged himself fully onto his bed. He looked across the dormitory to the direction of Sirius' voice. Although the room was pitch black Remus could make out the sitting figure of Sirius Black, perched on the edge of his bed, as if ready to attack anyone who dared hurt his friend.
"Don't worry about it, Pads, just a dream, nothing to worry about. Just go back to bed, okay?" Remus rasped.
From what Remus could see of him, Sirius didn't look convinced but consented to the offer of sleep once again.
"Okay, Moons. But are you sure, mate? It sounded like you fell off your bed?" Sirius would not be pacified easily, it seemed.
"Nah, just knocked my Herbology textbook off. I was doing some late-night revision last night. You do know we have that test tomorrow?" Remus could already hear Sirius' reply;
"Test? Ah well, who needs Herbology anyways?"
"Actually, Padfoot, Herbology can come in very handy –" Remus didn't get a chance to explain why as James Potter grunted loudly.
"Would you two finish with your little heart to heart about plants already? Some of us need our beauty sleep, y'know?" James groaned, only half-awake.
"Sorry, Prongs," came Remus' quiet mumble but it was overshadowed by Sirius' very audible declaration that no amount of beauty sleep could help in James' case. This was followed with a pillow thrown in the general direction of Sirius' bed and a mumbled "Oi!" from Peter Pettigrew.
"Sorry, 'Tail, just giving Padfoot some lessons on manners," James said with little evidence of remorse.
Sirius snorted, Peter grunted and Remus smiled. The dormitory fell into silence once again; the only sounds those of the slumbering boys' peaceful breathing.
Remus stared hungrily down at his mountain of bacon and sausages, reaching out for the red sauce. He was about to lace his breakfast with it when a letter landed on top of his bacon. He looked up in surprise; he certainly hadn't heard the owls come in.
This one, it seemed, had been a tad early, as thousands of owls came swooping down from the ceiling momentarily. Remus looked back down at his own letter. It couldn't be from his parents; they never wrote him on a weekend. But apart from them, he never received any letters. After all, he hadn't any friends before Hogwarts.
"Watcha got there, Moony?" Sirius asked through a mouthful of scrambled egg.
"A letter," Remus responded automatically.
"No kidding. Who is it from?" Sirius pushed, now finished with his eggs and carefully choosing between a chocolate croissant and a custard danish.
"Er, dunno. I never usually get letters on the weekend."
"Well go on, open it, then!" Peter encouraged from behind his mountain of buttered toast.
Remus fingered the letter nervously, twisting it around in his thin hands. There was no return address. He picked up his unused butter knife and slit the envelope open. He pulled out a pale piece of parchment with one line scratched neatly onto it.
He read it silently.
Remus Lupin, I know your secret. I suggest you meet me in the Astronomy Tower at midnight tonight where we can discuss the matter of keeping it private.
There was no signature.
Remus had to grab the edge of the table to keep from fainting. He pressed his eyelids together hard and breathed in slowly. This can't be happening, he thought. It must be a joke. Yes, someone's sick idea of a joke at his expense.
"Moony? Wassamatter? You look like you've just seen your own funeral," James joked lightly. I have, Remus thought, but he merely shrugged at James and shoved the letter into his pocket. He daren't look around in case whoever had sent the letter was watching him.
"Is it your parents, Moony? Are they okay?" Sirius pressed. Remus remained silent.
"C'mon, Moony, you know you can tell us anything," James prompted. Remus stared at him blankly, before pushing away his full plate and standing up. He had to get out of here.
"I'll see you in Transfiguration," Remus told them, his voice breaking slightly, before exiting the Hall very quickly.
"Moony?"
"Moony?"
"Moony, please talk to me. Are the dreams getting worse? What was it this time?" Sirius was lounged out over the armchair in the common room, with Remus sitting reluctantly by his feet.
"Oh, you know – the usual; Dumbledore declares me as who I truly am to the school at large, and a riot picks up. I'm chased from the castle to the Forest, attempting to outrun an onslaught of both muggle and magical curses. Etcetera, violent crowd closes in on me in the depths of the dark trees and the faces of once friendly classmates and professors look down at me with disgust and fury. Yada-yada-yada.
"Finally, four figures emerge and before the lovely Cruciatus Curse is lifted I'm awake again." Remus had never actually outright told Sirius whom the last four figures were, yet he had a feeling Sirius was more astute then he led anyone to believe.
"Maybe you should go to Madame Pomfrey about this," Sirius suggested.
"No!" Remus shouted, startling a couple of first years, "I can handle my own problems. I don't need someone else fighting my battles for me."
"But Moony, you're not sleeping –" Sirius pressed on.
"I said no, Sirius, damn it! I am not weak!" Remus snarled.
"I never said that, mate," Sirius said, cowering slightly at Remus' sudden, extremely uncharacteristic rage.
"Yeah, you didn't need to," Remus stated angrily, getting up and storming up to the dormitories. Sirius was left to question the sanity of his normally placid friend alone.
Remus made his way slowly up to the Astronomy Tower at four minutes to midnight, beneath James' invisibility cloak. He passed Peeves on the way, who was busy filling in all the keyholes of the broom cupboards by Filch's office with chewing gum. The temptation was great, but Remus quelled his marauder side, knowing if he was caught it would be disastrous.
He slipped off the cloak at the bottom of the Tower and proceeded to climb the steps quietly. Before he had reached the top, however, a cold, sweaty hand clasped tightly around his neck and he was shoved forcefully into the wall. He tried to turn his head to see who it was but the grip tightened, causing him to choke. After a few spluttering seconds the grip loosened just enough to allow Remus to breathe. He tried desperately to unwrap the hand from around his throat but to no avail. The hand dragged him up the rest of the stairs by his neck. His foot caught on the last step and he stumbled onto the Astronomy Tower balcony. The hand unwrapped itself from his throat and shoved him hard onto the stone floor. He knocked his head on the stone and cursed loudly.
"Now, now, Mr Lupin, no need for such language or I shall have to wash out your mouth," came the sneering drawl of one Lucius Malfoy. Remus didn't need to look at him to know it, that voice was recognisable to any Hogwarts student worth his galleon. He refused to allow his body to turn around; he didn't want to see Lucius' nasty glare which would surely kill his one last hope that this was all some rather elaborate hoax.
"Look at me when I am talking to you!" Lucius snarled, stamping on the back of Remus' head so his face smashed into the stone. A cruel crack announced the break of his nose. Remus twisted around on the floor until he was facing Lucius, blood trickling down over his lips.
"That's better, now I can see the face of the foul, disgusting, filthy, contemptuous little half-breed who dares contaminate Hogwarts with it's presence."
Remus winced as his last, dulled hopes slipped violently from his grasp.
"Aw, did I hurt the poor animal's feelings? There, there, little werewolf. There, there," Lucius patted him on the head in a patronising manner. He crouched down over Remus, his face mere inches away, and spat in Remus' face. Remus made to wipe his face but Lucius stepped on his right hand, grabbing hold of his left. Lucius' other hand slid from the top of Remus' head, caressing his cheek and the skin behind his ear. Remus pulled away from the touch and the hand gripped the back of his neck tightly, jerking his head forward again.
"Play nice now, werewolf, or I might have to hurt you again."
Remus felt Lucius' hot breath on his lips and shuddered, causing the grip on his neck to tighten. Suddenly, the hand grabbed at his hair and pulled his head back violently. Lucius leaned over him and, with lips nearly touching his own, whispered menacingly at Remus.
"Now, what are we going to do about this problem of yours then, werewolf? How are you going to repay me for keeping such a juicy piece of information to myself? Hmm?" Remus stared up at him with a mixture of fear and loathing.
"ANSWER ME!" Lucius jerked his head back further, so it was almost touching the stone floor. Remus let out a gurgle of pain.
"Do you want me to tell all the parents that their precious Hogwarts students have been mingling with a dangerous Dark creature?" Remus tried to shake his head but Lucius' grip was too tight. He let out another gurgle in protest.
"What was that?" Lucius droned.
"NO! Please, Lucius, no! Don't tell – agh!" Lucius smashed Remus' head into the stone floor again in anger.
"How dare you speak my name, filthy half-breed? You only call me Master, insolent werewolf!" Lucius spat in his face again.
"Yes, Master!" Remus wheezed. Tears were pricking his eyes but he willed them not to fall. He would not cry in front of Lucius Malfoy.
"Good, good. Now, be a nice little Dark creature and do as you are told. I want you to remember tonight. Remember it always."
Remus was too frightened to do anything but nod. Lucius let go of his hair, and his hand, but leant on it with his knee, instead, so that he was straddling Remus. Remus flinched at the close contact, which made Lucius sneer.
"Oh, don't tell me the Dark creature is a virgin? Oh, that is priceless, werewolf!" Lucius lowered his head closer to Remus, their lips nearly touching again. Remus closed his eyes tightly as Lucius' mouth hovered above them, his hot breath stinging. Then Lucius licked his eyelid, causing Remus to flinch again. Remus heard Lucius laugh hollowly. Lucius licked his eyelid again, and then traced his tongue down his cheekbone and along his jaw. The tongue travelled back up to his eyelid and then moved over to his ear. Remus jerked his head as Lucius bit down sharply on his earlobe.
"There, there, werewolf," Lucius breathed quietly, sounding more distant than he previously had. He licked inside Remus' ear then moved so that his lips once again hovered over his mouth. Then his hands started roaming.
They moved over every inch of Remus' upper body, caressing the skin under his shirt roughly. Lucius groaned into Remus lips, leaving bare millimetres of air between them. Remus felt ill, so ill he could wretch right there. What the hell was going on? Why was Lucius touching him like that? Distantly, Remus wondered if he was still with Sirius' cousin. Lucius moved his mouth lower and bit the side of Remus' neck, causing another involuntary jerk from Remus, who began struggling under the weight of the older man. Lucius pressed his hips down onto Remus', grinding and groaning. Remus tried to yell, but all that came out was another pained gurgle. Lucius pushed Remus' head back onto the cold stone, pressing down with his whole weight onto his forehead. Remus felt the stone grinding against his skull and winced. Then Lucius pressed his lips against Remus', pushing so hard that Remus felt his lip split. Lucius licked at the blood, then pressed his tongue between Remus' lips and entered his warm cavity. Remus concentrated all his energy on not crying, now realising that struggling was getting him nowhere.
Lucius groaned into the rough kiss, making Remus' lips tingle uncomfortably. Lucius' hands were still rubbing over every part of Remus' torso, pinching his skin painfully now and then.
Lucius mumbled something incoherent into Remus' lips, then pulled away suddenly. Remus wouldn't meet Lucius' eyes, so Lucius grabbed his hair and pulled him until their eyes met. Remus saw pure lust in those black pools of ink.
He knew what was coming, now, and began to fight back. Lucius was far stronger, however, and kneed him in the chest before placing a hand heavily over Remus' throat, crushing his windpipe. Lucius pressed his lips against Remus' once again, more forceful than before, and pushed his tongue deeper, causing Remus to gag. Remus felt Lucius grin against his lips. Then he was moving away again, and suddenly his hands were moving lower.
"No!" Remus tried to protest, tried to free his hands from their clutches under Lucius' knees, but was unable to. Lucius moved faster and then his warm hand slid beneath Remus' trousers and briefs and clasped around him. The hand pulled on him roughly, and then his long fingers explored him, playing with his foreskin and pulling down hard.
It was so painful, and it was torturous. As much as Remus was in pain he could still feel himself responding to the stimulation.
He bit into his lip, relishing on the taste of his own blood and tried to pretend he wasn't there at all. That he didn't even exist. Then Lucius' hands were disappearing back up his body, up his scarred chest. They came to a halt on his shoulder, where sat the deepest scar, the one that still haunted Remus. One hand fingered the scar, whilst the other moved lower and caressed the smaller one over his hip. Lucius pushed his own hips against Remus again, grinding more furiously still. He wrapped a hand around Remus' throat and pulled him up onto his knees. Finally, Lucius stood and dragged Remus up to a standing position, using his throat as a handle. He pushed him against the balcony wall; face first, so his stomach was pressed painfully into the stone wall. One hand immediately shot out to grip the wall, to steady him. He looked at the white hand, fingers clasped tightly against the pointed stone.
Lucius pushed him with his other hand so he was bent over the wall, the angular stone rubbing roughly against his thin chest. Lucius' hand, pressing his head down, began to play with Remus' tawny hair, taunting him. Then Remus felt Lucius' full weight press against him, effectively trapping him against the wall. Lucius, hands now free, pulled at Remus' Hogwarts tie, the proud red and gold blurring in his vision.
Lucius pulled until he heard Remus choking, then undid it roughly and threw it somewhere to their right. Then he ripped Remus' shirt open, exposing his bare chest and tugged it off along with his school robes. The stone wall cut into Remus' chest, adding to his collection of scars. Lucius grunted and pushed his hips further into Remus' backside. This caused Remus' lower half to collide with the stone wall and he yelped in pain. Lucius, in response to Remus' cry, pushed against him again, harder. Remus bit down on his swollen lip, grunting gutturally.
And then, tripling Remus' dismay, Lucius began undoing Remus' trousers. He felt his belt being pulled off his hips and then his trousers and briefs were pulled unceremoniously off his backside, the cotton catching on a jagged stone to rest some halfway down his thighs. It didn't matter, though, because he was still fully exposed for Lucius. And Lucius was taking full advantage of him, his fingers probing painfully and unmercifully. Lucius moved down to rest on his heels, a hand shoving hard against Remus' curved back.
Remus felt his warm breath and clenched instinctively. Lucius ignored his small whimpers and pressed his teeth onto Remus' sensitive skin, nipping slightly. Remus gasped as he felt a tongue slide over his skin and then inside him. It probed deeper than Remus would have believed possible.
Tears were clumping his eyelashes together as he squeezed his eyelids shut tight, still whimpering. Lucius finished his probing and stood against him again, pushing him further into the wall.
Remus felt fumbling behind him and before he could realise what it was, Lucius was pressing himself, bare skinned against Remus. He felt Lucius kick something and then a leg wrapped around his own in a tight, possessive grasp.
Remus could feel Lucius pressing into his back side painfully, could feel him rubbing himself against Remus.
Lucius grabbed his neck again, tighter than ever before, and jerked his head upwards so Remus was staring at the waxing moon. He tried to look away but Lucius was holding his head painfully tight.
"Look at it. I want you to look at it and remember what you are. Scum. Filth. Dangerous. A Dark creature. A killer! Look at it, werewolf! Look at what you are! You are not worthy of him, werewolf!" Remus didn't understand who the 'him' was but couldn't have contemplated it if he tried. Lucius pushed himself against Remus again, making him howl in pain. Lucius let out another low, hollow laugh and then a blinding pain shot through Remus as Lucius entered him, fully and without hesitation. He pulled out and then thrust back in again. Remus closed out the sight of the moon, eyelids tightly shut again but tears were now streaming down his face and he was grunting painfully at every deep thrust. Lucius was groaning low and lustfully, his hand still holding Remus' head to face the moon. Remus screamed out in pain and anger as Lucius quickened his pace and deepened his thrusts. He tried to ignore it but Lucius' grunts were growing louder and every thrust was more painful than the last. Finally, years later, Lucius' knees began weakening and his hips bucked violently against Remus. Lucius let out a long, audible groan as he filled Remus.
"Sirius," Lucius moaned. Even as Lucius slipped out of him, Remus stiffened at the name.
He collapsed against the wall as he felt Lucius' weight lift off him. It was over. It was done. He sank down onto the stone, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his head against the stone wall, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.
"Not anymore, werewolf," Remus looked up at Lucius as he spoke, meeting an oddly blank stare, "you're not a fucking virgin anymore, you dirty werewolf! You are scum, even more so than before! You fucking queer! You dirty little werewolf."
Lucius spat at him again, then raised his foot and slammed it into Remus' face.
Remus woke up sprawled over the Astronomy Tower balcony. His face and his backside pounded painfully. And then he remembered. He remembered everything.
He pulled himself up, using the wall for support, and pulled up his trousers, wincing as they brushed again his bruised skin. He grabbed his shirt, pulled it over his shoulders and clasped it to his chest with shaking hands. He felt around for his tie and school robes, and his belt. Then he ran out of the balcony and down the steps, forgetting about James' cloak and tripping over the slippery cloth, falling to the floor with a loud thud. He reached behind him, grabbed up the invisibility cloak and threw it over himself.
Remus ran all the way to Gryffindor Tower without stopping. He screamed the password at the slumbering Fat Lady, who huffed in disapproval, until Remus extracted himself from the invisibility cloak and she caught sight of his face, tears running freely again. She swung forwards and he ignored her concerned calls, crawling awkwardly through the portrait hole and stumbling into the empty common room. He let out a desperate sob and then stumbled weakly to the boys' dormitories.
James woke up to the sound of the door opening. He saw, out of narrowed eyes, Remus walking over towards his trunk, though he couldn't make out his face. The distinct smell of sex wafted over to him as Remus replaced something in James' trunk; the invisibility cloak. James smiled to himself as Remus left the dorm again, obviously going to take a shower.
James lay in his bed, waiting for Remus to come back so he could pounce on him and ask about the lucky girl. He grinned at the thought of his friend finally getting with a girl. The grin vanished, though, when Remus stumbled into the dorm, wrapped in a towel and sobbing uncontrollably. James had wondered how it had taken Remus a whole hour just to shower. He couldn't see his face, or the red rawness of his skin, but James could definitely hear the sad whimpering as Remus pulled on his pyjama bottoms and climbed into his bed. He pulled the curtains around him but James could still hear the muffled sobbing, even half an hour later.
James knew better than to confront Remus about it then, and decided to leave it until morning. He'd never known his friend to cry before, except the time when he thought he'd lost them all as friends because they'd found out what he was. James would never forget seeing the usually calm and together boy lose it so quickly, and he had told himself then that he would never let it happen again. And so, James was determined to find out why he had failed.