Title: Our Love Now (1/?)
Author Name: Trinity Black
Rating: PG-13 or R (I'm not too sure)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: Change can hurt so much sometimes that it is hardly worth it. Are old habits really any worse than they used to be?
A/N: I can't write summaries.
A/N2: The idea for this came during an English class while we were reading a poem entitled 'Our Love Now' The original idea I had for this was much shorter but of all the things that could have formed in my head one had to be a plot. As for the others... I'm not telling. Also this is the first ever Remus/Sirius I have written and posted. Enjoy
Feedback: Greatly appreciated in any form :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Of all the places Sirius would have expected to find Remus Lupin a trendy café was not one of them. This may have explained in part why he found him outside a post office. He was unmistakable to Sirius. The way he stood. The way he dressed; a simple pair of Muggle jeans and a bit-too-big-for-him shirt, the top two buttons undone casually. His naturally-bleached hair shining softly under the mid-morning sun. He was gorgeous. Sirius realised that he could even faintly detect his distinctive scent. Surely he'd notice him soon.
Remus surprisingly didn't notice him then. He turned gracefully on his heel and entered the shop. From Sirius' position behind a parked car, he couldn't see the majority of the shop. Only the counter really. It was being manned by a petite blonde woman. Could you say it was being manned by a woman? Sirius decided that enquiry could wait until later, mainly because Remus had re-entered his view, carrying a Muggle newspaper.
His friend obviously knew the girl behind the counter, as he struck up a conversation with her. Sirius noticed that the pair were laughing about something. Remus ran his fingers through his mid-length hair, as Sirius had loved to do years ago. The woman leaned over the counter, with the pretence of picking up a bar of chocolate off the display. It was, however, obvious to Sirius that the action was performed to give Remus a better view of her cleavage. Sirius wanted to laugh, if he were human he would have. He personally thought Remus too much of a gentleman to do such a thing. Not that his friend was interested in the fairer sex. Sirius decided there and then that the clerk's attempts were futile.
The conversation over, Sirius watched as Remus left the post office, newspaper folded carefully under his arm. Sirius thought for a moment the werewolf had discovered him. He shook his head and began walking along the village's main road. Sirius followed him watching his every move.
It took only 10 minutes brisk walking to reach Remus' home. Remus' home in this case was an old farmhouse with a sign reading 'Bed and Breakfast' outside. The farmhouse part made sense; these Yorkshire villages seemed to be made up of little else. It was the Bed and Breakfast part that made Sirius worry, he knew Remus was a private person and it just didn't seem his style. Not to mention the fact Sirius would be unable to talk to his friend in such a place.
Remus turned around then and looked right at Sirius, "come on then."
Sirius realised then Remus had known of his presence the entire time. The bastard. Despite his sudden anger, Sirius followed Remus inside the farmhouse.
"Is that you Remus?" asked a woman's voice. Sirius thought it came from the same place the smell of sausages was coming from.
"Yeah. Everything OK here?" Remus replied.
"Sure it is. Breakfast will be ready at eleven. Are you eating with us today?" the woman asked. She poked her head around the door waiting for the answer. Sirius studied the woman carefully. She was in her mid-fifties and looked like one of those people who mothered everyone, definitely no one to be jealous of.
"No today, Mrs Kendall. Will you send it up for me though?" Remus said. The woman, Mrs Kendall Sirius assumed, nodded and disappeared once more into the depths of the kitchen.
Sirius then began to follow his friend again, up two flights of stairs this time. Sirius allowed himself to be ushered through the only door on the landing. The rooms beyond the door were spacious; Sirius could easily believe they had been magically expanded. Sirius also thought it was likely that Remus had been living here for a while. Everything from the organised mess to the paintings adorning the walls seemed to match Remus' personality.
"You can change back you know," Remus said, in Sirius' direction.
Sirius did just that. He looked around cautiously, face etched with worry. Looking towards Remus, Sirius whispered, "what about the others?"
"No one comes up here. The whole place is surrounded by silencing charms. You're OK." Remus' answer was distracted by something.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.
"You. Being here I mean. It's not a good thing." Remus was painfully blunt.
"Yeah I know. You're right to think there's something wrong," Sirius began.
"Stop right there," Remus interrupted. Sirius obeyed. "We aren't talking about this now. Or anything else that requires us to think for that matter. You get in the shower, just through there," Remus pointed helpfully, "and I'll find you something to wear. Then we'll eat breakfast."
"Sirius nodded. He loved the way Remus managed to take charge. Orders flowing softly from his perfect lips.
Sirius stood in the shower, enjoying the feel of the water running down his back. In his mind Sirius was remembering the many times he and Remus had showered together. Remus would slide open the curtain, Sirius would pretend not to notice. Sirius would be disturbed by a series of light kisses on the back of his neck. Then Remus' tongue would begin caressing his ear, he'd moan with pleasure every time. Sirius remembered well how something so simple could make him feel so good. Sirius would turn round then and embrace the man doing such wonderful things to his body. The shower would continue to beat down on top of them as they kissed passionately, the hair they grasped for soaking wet.
Sirius was forced to stop thinking as he heard the bathroom door click open. Even over the noise of the shower Sirius could hear Remus' soft footsteps. His heart beat faster as they drew nearer. Sirius thought that maybe he wouldn't have to dream any longer. He could have sworn he could feel Remus' soft kiss on the back of his neck, his gentle hands on his back. He turned around and was met with the sight of nothing. The bathroom door clicked again. Remus had left the room. Sirius realised it might have been a bit much to pick up where they left off. The disappointment he felt at this thought was enormous; they would have to talk about it sometime.
Five minutes later Sirius felt cleaner than he had in a long time. He dried himself slowly with a soft towel left on a nearby rack. He realised then that the smell of sausages, and other foods, was filling the room. His stomach growled angrily in response to the smell. He did his best to ignore it and began to get dressed. Jeans and a shirt, just like Remus had been wearing. Sirius wondered if that was the only type of clothes Remus owned but doubted it. He must have robes lying around somewhere.
Sirius moved to the bathroom door. Breathing deeply he moved his hand to the handle. He didn't open the door immediately as he caught sight of himself in a mirror.
His hair was damp and all over the place, his skin had a slight glow to it and no longer looked deathly pale, a slight stubble covered his chin, not out of choice but because he couldn't find a razor anywhere. All things considered Sirius thought he didn't look too bad, he was still far too thin thought. His stomach repeated its earlier complaints to remind Sirius of the breakfast waiting for him.
Sirius opened the bathroom door. He spotted Remus straight away. He was eating some fried bread, steaming coffee by his side, reading the newspaper he had purchased earlier.
"Are you sitting down or planning to stare all day?" Remus asked, rather too harshly in Sirius' opinion. While Sirius very much wanted to pick the latter option he took the seat opposite the werewolf. The promised breakfast was on the table in front of them both. Sirius wanted to help himself but his mother had always instilled manners into him, and such a thing would be rude. Remus looked over the top of the paper, allowing Sirius a perfect view of his deep brown eyes, "help yourself."
Sirius wanted this to be an invitation to kiss the other man but settled for the breakfast. He could talk at the same time though, "what's with this?" Sirius asked somewhat cryptically. Heavier subjects could wait.
"What's 'this?'" Remus asked, without putting the paper down.
"This, the bed and breakfast." Sirius prompted.
"Somewhere to live. Legally I own this place but Mrs Kendall, from downstairs, runs the place on my behalf. I just stay up here and go about my business in private." he explained.
"How... how did you manage...?" Sirius began, but trailed off uncomfortably.
"To afford this place?" Remus finished. When Sirius nodded he continued, "My job at Hogwarts paid well. This place was going cheap as well, haunted apparently."
"By what?" Sirius asked.
"A couple of Boggarts, some bats and a rather lost bunch of fairies. No problem," he explained further.
Sirius chuckled, "haunted by fairies?"
"Don't ask." Remus put his paper down, folding it careful with his nimble fingers. Sirius had finished the breakfast, looking at the empty plates Remus asked, "Do you want anymore?"
Although Sirius wasn't full as such, he decided it was best to get to business, and declined Remus' offer politely.
"What's wrong then? As this isn't likely to be a social call is it?" Remus asked.
"Well we can catch up if you want," Sirius teased. Remus said nothing. Discouraged by Remus' apparent lack of interest in his advances, Sirius began to tell the story of Voldemort's return.
Remus didn't say anything as he listened to the tale, nor did he ask questions at the end. Sirius watched as Remus shook his head slowly. Remus stood up and walked through into what Sirius imagined to be the kitchen. Sirius decided to follow him.
It turned out that Sirius suspicions were correct, it was indeed the kitchen. The light pastel yellow of the walls did nothing to erase the ark mood of the two men. Sirius saw Remus resting on a cabinet with his back to him. His muscles were barely noticeable through the loose shirt, but they were there. Everything about Remus seemed tense and Sirius didn't like it. At some point the kettle had been turned on, as it had just begun to boil.
"Do you want a drink?" Remus asked quietly.
"Sure," Sirius replied. Sirius only watched as Remus reached up and got two mugs out of the cupboard above him. Doing this of course moved his shirt up, allowing Sirius a tiny view of the pale skin of Remus' back. As soon as it had appeared it was gone again. Remus was now putting coffee in the mugs now. And a spoonful of sugar for each of them.
"Pass the milk please," Remus said, pointing towards the fridge.
Sirius did so willingly; it gave him an excuse to close the huge physical gap between Remus and himself. When he finished he was close enough to smell Remus, something he did gladly. Remus only tensed slightly at this, something Sirius barely noticed. Sirius suddenly felt brave. Slowly he wrapped his arm around the taller man's slim waist. Remus stiffened this time, and made no attempt to hide it either. He shook off Sirius' embrace easily.
Remus turned to face Sirius. Sirius looked at his ex lover and hated the look on his face. With a hint of anger in his voice, Remus asked, "what do you think you're doing?"
"I thought that would have been obvious," Sirius said sarcastically.
"Yes and not particularly wanted," Remus replied scathingly.
Those simple words seemed to break Sirius' heart in two. Numbly he asked, "what about us?"
Remus looked thoughtful for a second before the mask was pulled back over, "what about us? Sirius there is no us."
Sirius was unable to conceal his shock at the words of his now former-lover. His face would have shown anyone looking how he was feeling on the inside. He appeared quite simply to be broken. Remus turned his back to Sirius, just so he didn't have to look.
The silence was suffocating. Sirius wanted to transform, wanted to leave the other man's company. He couldn't stay, not after that, but somehow he couldn't bring himself either. He just stood, waiting.
"Sirius?" Remus' honey voice asked gently. He hadn't turned around.
"Yeah," Sirius answered, his voice was barely above a whisper but was laden with the many emotions he was presently feeling.
Remus shuddered inwardly at the voice. Out loud he said, "I'm sorry, Sirius. It shouldn't have to be this way. It's just…"
"It doesn't matter really does it? It's over." Sirius replied angrily. Now he could leave. He stormed out of the kitchen, even thinking about slamming the door for effect. He made it half way through the living room before Remus' voice caused him to stop, asking him to wait.
"I don't want an explanation. It's finished and past that I don't care. I've told you about Voldemort now I can leave," Sirius said.
"Where are you going to go?" Remus asked.
"Why do you care?" Sirius responded.
"You're my friend," Remus answered simply; "I have to care."
"Bollocks. You don't give a shit; you just don't want me to do anything stupid. And that's only because you would blame yourself."
"Same thing isn't it?" Remus asked. Sirius shook his head as though Remus was missing something important. "Then what?"
"I can't stay here after that," Sirius said pointing to the kitchen.
"That's not my fault," Remus said.
"Really? Whose was it? The tooth fairy's?" Sirius asked sarcastically.
"No one's. Too much has changed. I'm a different person now than I was then."
Sirius scoffed, "You were never a person in the first place." This time Remus was left standing in shocked silence. Sirius took the opportunity to leave the apartment. He made it outside the door and leaned with his back against the wall. The door was shut. He couldn't see Remus now. Sirius liked that, he couldn't see the pain on the man's beautiful face. The hurt in eyes he had willingly gazed in for hours on end. He had wanted to make him hurt. Hurt like he was hurting, and that was the only think of. A cheap shot – saying something completely different to what he believed. He couldn't take much more of this. Too much had happened. He slid down the wall and curled up with his knees pulled into his chest. Silent tears began to stream down Sirius' face. He didn't wipe them away, he just let them come.