All of Me
This is a fic that started one way and ended another. I'm not sure if I like the way it turned out, but it turned out that way just the same.
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All of Me
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"What are you doing?" The raven-haired man said as he raised his head wearily off his rumpled pillow. He wiped his sleep-filled emerald eyes before refocusing them on the fully-dressed blonde on the foot of the bed where he sat pulling on his shoes.
"I'm going out with some friends," he replied shortly and grabbed his jacket. He was trying his best to keep his silvery eyes off the semi-nude man nestled in the black cotton sheets. "I should be back by three."
The green-eyed man sat up, the sheet falling off his tanned abdomen. "Oh." He then climbed out of bed and straightened his pants. "I wanted to talk to you."
The blonde pulled his leather blazer on and ruffled his hair. "What about?"
"Us."
The dark-haired man leaned back against the beige wall and crossed his arms over his bare chest. His eyes were drawn to the shining platinum ring on the silver-eyed man's left ring finger as he turned his collar up.
The other man made an annoyed noise and said, "Can this wait until later? I'm expected to be there in five minutes."
The ebony-haired man's eyes shimmered as tears threatened to fall. "Okay."
At that the blonde picked up his wand and stuck it into his back pocket. He dropped a bag of galleons into his pocket then turned to exit the bedroom.
The ex-Gryffindor rushed after the blonde until he finally caught up to him. "Hey Draco," he whispered and grabbed his leather-clad arm gently.
"Yeah?" Said man replied as he turned back. He was surprised when the tanned man pressed a desperate kiss on his lips. His hand rose involuntarily to rest in his husband's unruly black hair. He found his thumb grazing the familiar scar on his forehead.
It was the pant-clad man who pulled away to gaze into the stormy eyes of his beloved. "You know I love you, right?"
The blonde turned away and pulled open the door. "I know. Bye, Harry."
"Bye," Harry squeaked and watched Draco leave miserably. He picked up a silken robe and pulled it on. He wiped his eyes and sighed before walking over to the fireplace. He grabbed a pinch of Floo powder and tossed it into the flames. "Re? Remus, I need to talk to you. Can you come over please?"
"What is it?" a groggy voice sounded and the head of an amber-haired man appeared in the flames.
Harry climbed onto the couch and said, "Just come, please."
The elder man hardly hesitated in coming through to Harry's aid, pulling on a robe.
"What is it love? Are you hurt?" Remus said as he sat next to the young man, cradling him as he sobbed.
Harry shook his head and wiped his eyes. "No, it's Draco. I don't know what's wrong with him. He just...ignores me. I don't think he loves me anymore."
Remus began to rock Harry gently and said, "Of course he loves you; he wouldn't have married you if he didn't love you."
"But he's never home. He is never home when I go to bed and never there when I wake up," Harry sobbed and rested his head on Remus' shoulder.
"I think he's having an affair," Harry finally whispered and blinked a fresh wave of tears out of his eyes.
"You're coming to conclusions that aren't based. You just need to talk to him," Remus assured him and ran his fingers through Harry's unruly hair.
Harry bit his lip and said, "I want to talk to him but there never seems to be time."
"Make time, Harry. Not everything is easy."
Harry didn't reply, only wiped his damp cheeks. "Thanks Remus," Harry finally sighed and untangled himself from the elder man.
"Are you alright now? Do you need anything?" Remus questioned as he wiped a teardrop from the tip of Harry's nose.
"No, I'm okay now. I might...I don't know, clean or something."
Remus yawned. "Do you want me to stay with you?"
Harry shook his head and wrapped his arms around his middle. "That's okay. Your family needs you too."
"If you're sure. I'll check up on you later, alright? You know Sev, Will, and I love you, right? Will has really wanted to see you. He keeps asking me where 'Hawwy' is. Plus, he really hasn't been feeling excellent lately because of his first change and all. It's hard for babies who are werewolves, but it will be alright."
"Give him all my love, alright?" Harry asked as he grinned sadly.
Remus nodded and placed a gently kiss on the ebony-haired man's scarred forehead.
Harry watched half-heartedly as the werewolf disappeared back through the flames.
The ebony-haired ex-Gryffindor cleaned the flat from top to bottom, then once again for good measure. He noticed off-handedly that it was near lunch time but he felt no hunger, only a grimy feeling over his skin and the ghost of accomplishment. He decided to skip food and opt for the more appealing option of taking a shower. He stripped off his clothes and tossed them in the dirty clothes bin as he walked past.
Harry turned on the water and let it run for a few moments, finding the warm, steamy air hard to breathe in. He stepped under the cascading water, trying to wash away his feeling of uncleanness and his racing thoughts.
Draco couldn't be cheating on him, could he? What had he, Harry, done wrong? What could he have done differently?"
He tried his very best to clear his mind, but nothing seemed to work. After scrubbing his hair until his scalp began to ache he rinsed quickly and turned off the water.
There was an odd prickling in his beet-red skin as the significantly cooler air hit his moist skin. He tried not to look at his purple-tinted scars as he wrapped a towel round his waist.
He turned on the radio only to be hit with a sad, slow, muggle song that seemed to relate to his situation so well that he turned it back off after only a few verses. He dressed quickly as possible, cleaning up the bedroom and making the bed in the process.
After he had run out of things to do he curled up on the couch with an old copy of 'Flying with the Cannons', watching half-heartedly as the players flew in spectacular form.
It seemed he had just sat down when he heard keys jingle and the door spring open with a squeak.
Harry put aside the book and bit his lip, a new wave of tears prickling his eyes. "Hey babe," Draco said softly as he tossed his keys on the small table near the door and shrugged off his jacket.
Harry smiled sadly and said, "Hi. Did you have fun?"
Draco walked over to place a kiss on Harry's forehead. "I guess so. What did you do today?"
"Cleaned. Remus came over earlier. He said William has finally reached the age in which he undergoes his first lycanthropic change."
Draco bustled away into the bathroom, calling back, "That's interesting. I hope he'll be alright. He's so small for his age."
Harry didn't reply, only watched for Draco to reappear. When the blonde did he had pulled off his jeans and had replaced them with sleep trousers. He shuffled into the kitchen and opened a cabinet, extracting three muggle medicine bottles, taking four pills from each and swallowing them without water.
Harry didn't ask. He never did.
Draco finally seemed to reach and end to his routine and plopped down next to Harry with a sigh, closing his weary eyes.
"Dray, I think we need to talk about this," Harry whispered finally, studying his husband's unresponsive facial features.
"I...I know I usually don't ask many questions, but I need to know. Do you not love me anymore?"
Draco opened his eyes and Harry was surprised to find a thin sheen of tears hooding them. "Of course I love you. I'll always love you."
"Then why are you suddenly gone for hours on end day after day? It's been weeks since we have held a real conversation. Draco, is..." Harry stopped, lowering his eyes. There was a catch in his voice when he finished, "...Is there someone else?"
Draco couldn't bring himself to look at his husband. He only whispered, "No, there is no one else. I wouldn't do that to you, I never want to hurt you."
"It hurts me when we don't talk," Harry said passionately as his vision blurred. "It hurts me to think that you want to leave, and if you want to than just leave. It would be easier."
"I don't want to leave," Draco sighed and finally forced his eyes to connect with Harry's. "Harry, I'm sick."
"The fuck you are!" Harry exclaimed as he rose from his seat. "Don't fuck with me Draco."
Draco bit his lip and a single tear ran its course down his cheek. "I'm not kidding Harry. I...I've been going to healers, not out with friends."
"No," Harry said in a forced tone. "No, you're lying. This isn't funny, Draco."
"The pills I take, they dull the pain, but it's still there. Some keep my mind clear, and to be honest I don't know what the others are for."
"Please...no..."
Draco went on. "The muggles have told me there is nothing they can do, that there are too many tumors in my brain in too many inoperable places. I've been going to his healer who practices medicinal spells, but they don't seem to be working."
There was a thump as Harry hit his knees. "It's a lie," he sobbed feebly, resting his head on Draco's knees as he cried.
Draco wiped his own tears away and began running his fingers through Harry's slightly damp ebony hair.
"I'm not scared to die as a rule, I'm just...I'm scared to wake up one morning and not know where I am or who you are. I'm scared to wake up and not know how very much I love you. I'm scared to leave you."
"No," Harry said in defeat. "You can't leave me, you can't. Please, I need you."
Draco gave up trying to keep his face dry. "I didn't want to tell you because I thought you might react like this. I didn't want you to be hurting, love. Please don't cry anymore. Please stop crying. Come here."
Harry climbed into Draco's lap, wiping his soaked cheeks with the palms of his hands then kissing Draco soundly.
"Please don't leave me, you can't," Harry again whispered against Draco's lips then cupped the blonde's cheeks, noticing for the first time the sparkle of pain in his periwinkle eyes.
Draco sniffled and wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, trying to keep his vision as clear as possible.
"Harry, you have to promise me that when I die..."
Harry broke into silent sobs and laid his head on Draco's chest, the gentle beat of his heart making Harry feel betrayed. He didn't even try to speak because he already knew words would fail him.
Draco leaned down and kissed Harry's earlobe lightly then whispered, "Don't forget me."
"I could never forget you," Harry whimpered and looked up to Draco sadly. The look on the smaller, dark-haired man's face broke his heart and he pressed his own forehead against Harry's marred one.
"Are you going to let me take care of you now?" Harry whispered as he twined his fingers together with his husband's.
Draco closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry it has to be like this. If I could change it...if I knew that I wouldn't always be there for you, I don't..."
"Don't say that," Harry said softly and closed his eyes. "The only times that I am happy are the times I'm with you. I love you Draco, I would never want to let you go through something like this alone. I want to help you through this."
"There is no getting through this, Harry. I'm going to die; the question is when. The muggles told me I might only have months. I...I think we should go and visit everyone before..." he stopped, surprised by the fact that he was no longer crying. "...before we can't anymore."
Harry nodded and bit his lip. "Okay."
Draco grinned and said, "I'm a little tired. I think I'll have a little kip."
Harry climbed out of Draco's lap and held out a hand to help him up.
Harry started back to the bedroom, then slowed as he felt Draco's arms wrap around his waist and place a gentle kiss on his neck.
The ex-Gryffindor pulled back the duvet and Draco placed another butterfly kiss on Harry's neck and climbed into bed.
Harry kissed Draco's forehead, then his lips.
He started to go back into the living room, but his hand was caught. Harry turned back to Draco, who was staring at Harry's hand held in his.
"Stay with me. Please," the blonde whispered and tugged gently on Harry's hand.
Harry smiled weakly as Draco scooted over to allow Harry room in the bed. He crawled on the bed and allowed Draco to wrap his arms around Harry's waist and lay his head on Harry's shoulder.
"I love you," Draco sighed wearily.
"I love you forever," Harry replied, and felt a weak smile against the back of his neck.
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Despite what the healers said, Draco Malfoy lived to see his thirtieth birthday. He spent it with a select group, all tiptoeing around the tender subject to his impending death. They all cooed about how good he looked, leaving the silent 'considering the tumors liquefying your brain' just that, silent.
The whole affair succeeded to do little more than wear him out. He was happy to have all his friends there, but there was always the lingering idea that it would be the last time.
Sadly, it was.
Just over a fortnight after his birthday, Harry and Draco got into bed and Draco simply did not get up the next morning. Harry awoke in tears, knowing that the man he had cradled in his arms wasn't there anymore.
He cried nonstop, it seemed, until well after the final arrangements had been made. He felt it most at night when would roll over to wrap his arms around Draco and realize with a sob that he wasn't there, and he would never be there again.
The day after would go down in history as the hardest day of his life. It seemed everywhere he looked he was reminded of Draco. For fuck's sake, his toothbrush was still in its place, his dirty laundry still in the fucking basket. He was still here, it seemed. Still fucking here. The house still smelled like him, Harry could still feel his breath on his skin. It was unreal. This couldn't be happening.
He wasn't sure how many people had stopped by to check on him. He never answered the door. He just sat in dark, cold silence, wrapped in one of Draco's jumpers and staring blankly into space. He didn't eat, barely slept, and was afraid to shower, afraid that if he did he would lose the scent of Draco forever.
He was forced out of his stupor for the funeral. He got dressed slowly, trying to fix his hair the best he could. Remus and Severus stopped by to pick him up at the apartment, William in tow.
"Hi Harry," the little boy said cheerfully and Harry smiled.
"Hiya, Wills," Harry said and ruffled the small boy's hair.
Remus turned around and patted Harry's knee gently. "It will be alright, Harry," he said reassuringly.
Harry simply nodded hollowly, not possessing enough energy to explain to Remus that nothing would ever be alright again.
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The headstone read:
Draco Lucius Malfoy
Devoted Lover and Friend
'You Still Have All of Me'The inscription was followed by his birth and death dates. Harry was surprised they had gotten it completed so fast. He decided he shouldn't be.
He had his name put on the other side, but was reluctant as to what he wanted inscribed under it. It didn't feel right proclaiming his own greatness.
Harry's eyes followed the somber trail of the ebony casket that held his love. He wasn't sure if he was meant to, but after the poll-bearers put it down he stepped up to it, laying a solitary hand on the lid.
"Would you like to see him one last time?" And anonymous man said. Harry only nodded.
The polished lid was lifted slowly and Harry bit his lip. This wasn't real, it wasn't Draco.
And it wasn't. What lay inside that coffin was not Draco Malfoy. It was his shell. Looking at him reminded Harry of looking at a photo. Vibrant when first taken, but dulled and darkened with age.
Everything Harry had loved about Draco had, indeed, dulled. There was no glow to his face as he smiled, no gentle warmth of his hands. His blonde hair seemed flat and lifeless, rightfully so.
Harry smoothed his hand down the side of Draco's cheek, his heart clenching painfully when he felt how cold his skin was. Tears glistened on his unearthly pale skin, but they were not his own. They couldn't be his own. Harry wiped them away and bit back a sob.
Harry smoothed back Draco's hair and lay his hand over Draco's smaller one. His skin seemed rougher, even.
The ex-Gryffindor felt a gentle hand on his back. Severus peered down on Draco, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. He placed a hand on the blonde Malfoy's forehead.
"He's not here Harry," Severus said, watching Harry gently stroke the back of Draco's hand.
Harry wiped away some of his tears and sobbed. "I know, it just..." he sobbed again, closing his eyes. "I'm just trying not to die. I can't breathe...I can't..."
Severus lowered his head and tightened his grip on Harry. "You can, and you will. It feels like your world is falling apart, and I understand that. You're too young to live in the dark. You'll waste your life away. Draco wouldn't want..."
Harry opened his eyes and leaned up, cradling Draco's face in his hands, wishing beyond anything that he would wake up and kiss his palms lightly, just like he used to every morning when he woke up. "Draco wanted to live. He wanted to live and love, but that didn't happen. It seems that it doesn't really matter what Draco would want."
Severus watched as Harry placed a kiss on his lover's forehead, then unresponsive lips. "But it does. He would want you to be happy Harry. There are people who love you and want you to be happy."
"It feels like I'll never be happy again," Harry whispered and suddenly found he couldn't look at Draco anymore.
"You will," Severus replied. "You may be in agony now, but it will fade. It may not go away, but it will fade."
Harry only blinked. His eyes hurt. He looked back to the coffin and collapsed to his knees, holding his head in his hands.
Severus turned around to Remus, who was holding a sleeping William, tears running down his face.
Severus knelt down and gathered Harry into his arms, trying to keep his voice steady. "I'm sorry Harry. I really am."
Harry just cried. Even as they lowered Draco's body into his final resting place, Harry allowed Severus to gently rock him as he cried.
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Despite vast amounts of protest, Harry returned to his apartment alone after the funeral. He felt a sudden urge to be alone.
He shed clothes all the way to the bedroom, finally crawling under the sheets with just socks, pants, and an undershirt on.
He grabbed Draco's pillow and buried his face in it, breathing in his scent. Knowing it would probably fade soon, he tried to memorize it. He lay his head down, a crinkling sound issuing from the pillowcase.
Harry raised his head and pulled a letter out of the case. There, in slightly slanted scrawl, was his name. Harry.
Draco had written him a letter. Harry flipped the envelope over and opened it slowly. He didn't want to cry anymore. He was tired of crying. He opened the letter and read:
There are absolutely no words to describe how sorry I am. I never wanted it to be like this, I never wanted to have to leave you. I want more than anything to be with you forever, but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I'm sorry. I tried to get better. The last thing I wanted was to see you hurt, just like I didn't want you to see me hurting.
I know you must be in a daze now, not believing that I'm gone, but I am. And believe me, where I am has to be better than this. I'm glad to be rid of the pain. Anything to be rid of the pain.
I know I have told you over and over, but I love you. I love you more than anything. I would do anything for you. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. You were my one and only. No matter who you open your heart to in the future, and you will; or rather, you had better, remember that I love you and always will.
So I guess I wrote this to say goodbye. I love you. Never forget that.
Draco
P.S. Just so you don't have to worry about it, I thought about what I want inscribed on your headstone. I enclosed it. Don't read it, just take it to the person in charge of the inscription. Wait until they put it on the stone to read it. It's the best I could do. I love you.
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Time didn't stop. Despite what Harry originally thought, the world did not cease turning.
He had moved out of Draco and his apartment, leaving behind the furniture. It all reminded him of Draco, and thinking about Draco was hard. But he didn't cry anymore, and he figured that was some form of moving on.
Remus and Severus offered for Harry to move in with them, seeing as they were both going back to teach at Hogwarts soon and Will would need a nanny. Harry was more than happy to accept.
Harry was more than grateful to have Will to take his mind off of things, and Will kept plenty of trouble brewing to keep his mind occupied.
Receiving near-daily letters from either Remus or Severus, chasing after Will, and hearing from Hermione for the first time since Hogwarts, Harry's days were full.
He had not been to Draco's resting place since the funeral. He had been informed that the new inscription had been made, but he was scared to go and read it.
He only played with Will, telling him story after story about Remus and Severus and he and Draco. Will had discovered many new presents to show his parents when they arrived home for the weekend.
Harry was merely surviving. That was all that could be expected.
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END
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EPILOGUE:
Many years after...
Gentle snow had begun falling, blanketing the ground with a fine layer of pristine sheen.
Two men made their way through glistening stones, one leading the other.
"Here they are papa," the younger man said and pointed out two different gravestones, both holding two names. Only one was completely filled.
"So they are," the older man said, tucking his jet black hair behind his ears. Despite the fact he was in his mid-eighties, he barely looked over fifty. It was only days when he came here that he felt his age. It was visiting the graves of loved ones he had lost, loved ones younger than himself, that he felt the whole vast number of years pressing down on him.
He knelt down next to the newer stone with minimal difficulty. He traced the letters with a solitary finger and sighed.
The younger man tucked his hands in the pockets of his peacoat. "I miss him too, papa. And Uncle Harry and Uncle Draco."
Severus lay his head on his lover's and his headstone and looked over to the other, a smirk on his face. "You weren't around Draco long enough so that you would remember him Wills, how can you miss him?"
"I miss the stories Uncle Harry used to tell. Now that they're both gone, who is going to keep them alive? Who is going to keep Dad alive?"
Severus' smirk turned into a sad smile, his black eyes sparkling with ageless wisdom. "You will, Son. You will tell your children and your children's children about the lot of us. You will tell them great stories of the adventures you and your dad had on the full moons, how you and Uncle Harry would tear the house completely apart and somehow have it back in order by the weekend, and how much love you had and were surrounded with."
There was a tear in his voice as he finished. "And they will know without a doubt that no one in the world has ever been as loved as you. They will know that I loved your dad with all of my heart, and Harry loved Draco with all of his. They will know that you, and only you, helped Harry through the most difficult days of his life, his immense love for you is the only thing that kept him going most days. They will know that, and that, Son, will keep us alive."
Will looked down at his papa and smiled.
Severus quirked an eyebrow and added, "But don't think you're rid of me yet. I still have plenty of life in me."
Will chuckled and said, "Good, because you're all I have left how."
Severus lay a gentle kiss over Remus' name and stood. He strode over to the other headstone and lightly touched the top.
"I'm glad you gits are together again," he said under his breath and withdrew his hand, instead brushing the snow from his knees.
Will smiled and said, "Come on then papa, I must get back before nightfall. Full moon, you know."
"Ah yes, must have forgotten. Don't have much of a reason to remember anymore, do I?"
"No, I suppose not."
Severus' lips twitched and he said, "Right. Let's go then. Well Potter, Draco, it's been corking, as usual. Remy, I'll see you soon."
Will rolled his eyes and began leading his father away, adding his own silent 'see you later'. For it was never goodbye. He would meet them all again in time, and Harry wouldn't be so sad, he could meet Draco properly, and he and his dad could go gallivanting around on the full moon.
But until then, he would live. It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live, or so Harry had taught him.
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Draco Lucius Malfoy
Devoted Lover and Friend
'You Still Have All of Me.'
1980-2011
Harry James Potter
My Rock, My Protector
My Hero, My Love
1980-2043
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And there you have it mates! I originally had this one pegged as a 'Draco cheats on Harry so Harry cheats back' fic, but I found it really hard to write Harry cheating on Draco. It physically hurt. (FYI...I was going to have Harry and Remus shag when Remy came over. It was before I put Remy with Sev and gave them a kid.))
So, instead, I did the next best thing. Killed a character.
I originally had the Epilogue as part of the story, but I just thought it didn't really fit. My central two characters were dead, and it didn't make sense. I tried to fix that by making it an Epi, but I don't know if I succeeded. I felt bad leaving it off, since I like Sev and Will in it...
Anyway, tell me what you think!