Guilt Stricken
Author's Note: Hi, I haven't written on here for ages and by ages I mean around two years. I've decided to change that, so I'm starting by putting up some stuff I've had for a few months or so. This is about Edward's feelings the night of Bella's party in New Moon. I had strange inspiration at nine thirty in the morning for this, in my Creative Writing class last year. It was strange because I never do anything in the morning, but I'm assuming you don't care anyway.
Guilt Stricken
What galaxy is this, where a life as damned as mine may go on forever, while she is gone in the blink of an eye? How could it be possible that while she must remain in mortal peril until she meets her end, I scarcely have to worry about diving off a cliff? It is cruel and unfair that our lives intertwine so closely, that I cannot imagine living even a second while knowing she is gone.
I don't deserve her. It is not mortally just for me to allow her down this forbidden path. This is all my doing; I lured her into all of this, which will surely cause her end much sooner. The only way to mend things is to put distance between us.
Hurting her in such a way seems impossible; leaving her for eternity before an absolutely necessary time seems impossible. However, it must be done for her soul and her security, so I will manage it. Even the thought of it is unbearable, but I will not be the reason she dies. That would be far worse, a pain I cannot even begin to comprehend.
She deserves a real life, with someone to age with and have beautiful, perfect children with. I must not be near her, whether she is aware or not. Obviously she will move on eventually, and the sooner the better, for her at any rate. Her happiness in the end is second priority, coming only after her security.
What must be done will hurt her, for I know she feels as I do, though perhaps not to the same extent. I must give her a reason; simply leaving would result in her searching to the ends of the earth for me. I cannot allow that, especially not in the case of Bella. She is so accident prone that it would be a miracle for her to even get halfway to the ends of the earth.
I must do this soon, for prolonging the inevitable will only make things more difficult for both of us. I deserve the difficulty; this is all my doing. If I had not lured her into my life, if I had never spoken to her again, she would be completely fine. Had I not interfered I would have been able to keep watch over her for a longer time frame, and now I must leave her quickly.
If I did not owe her some sort of excuse I would leave her tonight. This is what I would like to think, anyway. I'm not sure I could do so without saying goodbye, without seeing her eyes in reality for one more glorious moment. I'm unsure as to what to tell her; she is aware of my feelings towards her now. It cannot possibly be as easy as to tell her I no longer want her, that I fell out of love wit h her.
That statement is absolutely absurd; she would never believe such a ludicrous lie. I must figure this all out tonight; it must be planned by morning. If it is not, I will only continuously extend my time with her, and that is out of the question. Jasper nearly killed her tonight, and I put her in that danger. Now she is hurt, and it was my doing. She is far too fragile for me to be so near her so constantly.
I will do all that I can in my eternal absence to make her life secure. I will hunt down Victoria and make sure she never has the chance to go near Forks or Bella again. It will keep me distracted enough to quench the unavoidable urge to return to Bella at least for awhile, and then I'm unsure as to what I will do. I don't believe I will ever be able to return to my family as that would be unfair to them as well.
Instead I will guard Bella's life from afar; as long as she is living that will be my purpose. As soon as she is gone from this life, I will make sure my own is taken as well, regardless of the fact that I may not go where she will be. Any chance of that is enough to die for, and if I am correct and Carlisle is wrong, I will no longer exist to bear the unendurable agony of a life without Bella.
I will go to the Volturi and request they obliterate me. If they refuse to do so I will simply break a rule of exposure in their sacred city. I will walk into the sunlight in a crowded human street. This will call for immediate action, and I will be destroyed, as I asked before.
If I plan to actually go through with any of this, it must be now. She will be awake soon enough, and I cannot be gone at that point in time. I must tell my family to leave now; tell them that I will follow in a week at the most. Our time here is over, and Bella must have the chance to forget about me once I leave her.