A/N: Okay already, I edited this monster, I only ever wanted to write the first chapter, but then (sob), no one wanted to send me reviews. Possibly because I was scared of quotation marks . . .
"How did you get here Kate?"
She looked up, confused.
"I can't let you drive yourself home, how did you get here?"
Oh, taxi, she'd take a taxi home.
Burke's eyes were full of compassion as he watched his secretary walk Kate Beckett out of the office. Emergency visit. She'd come before without an appointment, paced like a wild cat, unable to sit down. This time, however, she seemed unable to support herself. Eyes red-rimmed before he'd even had a chance to ask the first question, what happened?
He was worried about her. All their talks, all her break-throughs, nearly a year of watching her struggle against her natural impulses. Natural impulses born of years of unnatural trauma. Although he didn't focus on it, it seemed to him that the universe had continued to send her an unreasonable burden. Everyone she had ever loved seemed to betray her in some manner. Well, no wonder. No wonder it had taken her four years to open up to Richard Castle. Chronic pain changes the physiology of the brain, he knew that, he was a professional. But Kate Beckett? She was a bit of a mystery – how, why- she pressed on in life. Too stubborn to give up.
So, she'd come, had her melt down in his office. It wasn't that she hadn't cried with him before, but not like this. This was a new brokenness. Ten minutes of sobbing, every time she tried to speak a guttural, base, compulsive catching of her breath lead to more brokenness. He closed his eyes, willing peace at her from across the room. Kate Beckett was well and truly undone. His mind had already hit on the one cause he could imagine that would cause her this level of devastation.
When it appeared she could not compose herself, he stood, crossing the room he brought her a glass of water, pulling her hand off her face.
"Something happened with Rick? He asked gently ten minutes later." She was calmer, more able to compose herself.
She nodded stiffly.
"Is he hurt?"
She shook her head.
"Has he done something to upset you?"
She squeezed her eyes tightly, willing herself to summon the strength. Burke had been a source of help before, he was her last resort. She had come so desperately to his office, once she'd finally realized her world was collapsing. Funny how long it had taken her, a detective, to figure out that the recently shored up foundation of her world was crumbling. She'd come straight here from the Precinct; middle of a case. Middle of a revelation. Middle of a crisis she didn't know she was in.
She suddenly knew the answer to Burke's question of months ago. She was more afraid that he wouldn't wait for her than that he would. Every thought she had bound her to a singular conclusion - she was a coward.
"He heard me say I remembered the shooting," she croaked, "he's pulled away emotionally. I think he's done with me." Desperation was in her red-rimmed eyes as she finally met his.
Oh, Kate.
He had learned long ago not to sugar-coat things. "You're forgetting Kate. You're forgetting that you need time and distance to process. Does everyone need that space? Does he need that kind of distance to process things Kate? "
"I . . . I don't know what he's thinking. He, he's always pushed to be closer. "
"You can't control anyone else's reactions Kate. "
Her eyes narrowed at him, her hope dimming a bit more. If Burke believed it was over . . .
"But you can control your own. What do you want Kate? Prioritize. What's most important?"
Her mother. The hunt. I'd give it up, I'd give it up for you. I'd risk it.
He was typing, feet propped on his office desk when he heard the front door open. Lost in the words he was shaping he looked up, expecting Alexis, instead finding Kate.
"Kate."
She swallowed nervously, glad that her hands were shoved in the pockets of her favorite black Spring raincoat. Now that she was here, standing in the doorway to his office, she was losing the last vestiges of determination. Damn, she squelched hot tears from welling up.
When he saw her, he had put both feet on the floor to stand, unsure what to expect. Her eyes looked different and it took a moment to realize the heavy black eyeliner she normally wore was absent.
She wasn't going to ask him if they could talk, she already knew what she'd come to do and she what held her there was the knowledge that the moment was so awkward, there was no way she wanted to repeat it. She stepped forward breaking the moment, humiliation or not, solution or not, she *had*to do this. As she came uncomfortably close, the only retreat for Castle was to sit down.
He flinched at her intention. Kate wasn't sure how to interpret that, but it didn't matter. In a moment she was down on her knees, trapping him in his chair and humbling herself before him all at once.
"Kate . . ."
His voice was full of question, as she reached to hold his hand with both of hers on the armrest of the chair. He wasn't simply held to the spot physically, he was mesmerized by her actions. Looking down at her bowed head, their joined hands, he was speechless. And then he remembered, how she'd hurt him. His brow furrowed as his body stiffened.
She looked up at him. Looked him in the eye. Took a deep breath, and whispered her most naked emotions.
"Castle, a long time ago you asked me not to leave you, to stay with you. I need you to hear me because now I'm going to beg you not to leave *me*. To stay with *me*. I know… she hiccupped back the emotion in her voice, her emotions harder to hold back… I know I should have said this so long ago, told you how much…"
She stopped as he moved suddenly, bringing his unoccupied fist to his face and turning his head away. She tightened her grip on his hand, a physical plea.
"Please Cas… Rick. Please, hear me. All this time I have been so used to fighting, me against the world, you know? And suddenly, there you were, and it wasn't me against the world, it was us. I don't know when we became an 'us' Rick. Somewhere, somehow, my mind doesn't think 'me,' it thinks, 'us.'"
Her words were coming desperately faster, no longer a whisper. He still faced away from her, fist to his forehead, elbow on the far armrest of his chair leaning away from their joined hands.
"And then, when I was shot, I realized what a poison I was. How me fighting the world alone, was also fighting everyone I loved, Rick."
Unnoticed, tears were streaming down her face openly.
"I knew you loved me. I heard you. But, I… I couldn't let you in, I couldn't poison you with it, I couldn't poison us with it. Rick, I always knew it was you. That if I let you in, you would be my one and done. It's always been you Rick. So I'm here to beg you, please."
She lifted her body, still on her knees and risked placing her hand on his face, wanting, needing to see his face, and was stunned by the force of the emotion in his eyes. So tender, she felt the words escape without ever being processed by her mind.
"I love you."
His mouth gapped as he took in a sharp breath. In a moment he swallowed and stood, wrapping himself around her. He exhaled long and slow, as though he had been holding his breath a long time, waiting for this moment. Maybe it was her speech, maybe it was her death and resurrection, maybe it was four years of pining, but the breath released was carrying so much more than could be expressed in words. He held her tightly, felt her chin at his shoulder, even as her hair tickled his face. In that embrace was three months of not speaking, in that embrace was forgiveness for her deceit, in that embrace was renewed hope for their future.
"Darling, I need… "
Martha stopped at the sight of her son hugging Kate Beckett. His eyes were closed, his expression serene. Without saying a word he held a palm up extended to Martha. His mother turned and left the room. Kate moved to back from their embrace but he pulled tighter.
"No, Kate. You owe me this. You owe me a lot of *this.*"
Her only response was to sigh and sink back in.
She didn't know how long they stood like that before he finally pulled back and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She placed her hands on his chest as he cupped her face.
"I'm gonna kiss you now," he said. Her eyes wide with expectation, she hummed in agreement.
Languid, slow and tender until they both couldn't breathe. Until the universe seemed to applaud.
"I love you."