Disclaimer: This I will say for the last time- I do not own Meteor Garden
or Hana Yori Dango. This, I did out of my love for ZaiZai...
It seemed just yesterday when I finished my first MG fanfic, Hua Ze Lei's Confessions and now, I'm on my sixth!!! Imagine... Life, indeed, passes by so fast. Because of my humble works, I was able to meet new people, know many friends and I'd forever be grateful for all those who took time (wasted time???) to sit down and read my melodramatic blabbering thoughts... Really, I'm just blown away and overwhelmed...
However, everyone needs to move on, to mature. And for that, I'd like to inform you, my dear friends, that this will be the last of my Meteor Garden fanfictions. Yes, this Xi Men-Xiao You story of mine, which I am really proud of. I feel as if I've said everything that I wanted to and somehow, I'd like to believe that I've done my part in entertaining (and bothering) you. The thing is, it won't be the last of my stories, of course. I'm an artist and I need to satisfy my artistic cravings...
By the way, On My Own (I love the Lea Salonga version!!!) is my favorite song, thus, I felt it is only but proper to make it my ending hymn... I just trust that I won't disappoint my readers with this last installment and hopefully, I gave justice to "His Gorgeousness", Xiao Tian (this is for you all Ken fans). It is in Xiao You's POV, and I am crossing my fingers that many people will be touched by its simplicity and universality (c'mon, it's unrequited love, for crying out loud!!!).
Through all these, I'd like to thank many (as in a lot!!!) people who had been a part of my "MG fanfic journey"... First would be my friend Kaieka, who was just a major factor why I continued to write stories... If not for her encouraging words, there won't be a red_star around. Of course, my families from Faithful 4ever (can't mention all), F4 affiliation (the sisses), tsinoy, and my other forums and groups, of course... My mom and dad (Yuck!! So showbiz!!), 2CA4, my BUBU and B.B., my friends, F3, and God...
To the MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN PERSON IN EXISTENCE, my baby, ZaiZai... thank you for inspiring me in ways you can't even imagine. I'll be waiting for you, for the time that there'll be an "us"... If this isn't love, then I don't know what is...
Shining bright and smearing red, red_star (red_star16@hotmail.com)
On My Own
And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here
True love does not have to be mutual. More often than not, it is unrequited. The irony. I was once told that the instance you allow yourself to be under the clutches of what seems to be an inevitable constituent of a person's life, you are doomed to be cursed. Cursed to be in pain, cursed to be in adoration of another individual, cursed to share your own self, and in the process, lose it. Thus, man is condemned to be in love.
But if condemnation encompasses the feeling of flying amongst the clouds, of swimming an endless sea as if there are no worries in life, then with open arms, I'd choose to be condemned. If the curse is to be face to face with a beautiful being, as beautiful as the one I'm staring at right now, then I'd gladly embrace being cursed.
Xi Men... his very face never fails to make my heart stop beating. I am gazing at him right now, as he sleeps, with our lips about 4 inches from each other. His warm breath, I can feel... I still cannot decipher how anyone can appear so majestic even as he is in deep slumber like a newborn child. His black, silky hair, tucked behind his ear yet slightly covering his eyes... The fragrance of the shampoo that he used when he took a shower, that citric smell which fills my senses. Those eyebrows, his thick brows which complement his endearing eyes, slightly opened, crowned with long, elegant lashes. The bridge of his nose is much like those that I see in Renaissance paintings, very soft yet distinguished. His cheeks I love most during winter, when the chill gives out the natural glow of light pink... And yes, his lips... Even the gods would die to taste those thin, luscious, crimson lips of his. I believe they would give up their powers if only to savor Xi Men's moist, tempting mouth...
He is a sight to behold indeed, and I am lucky enough to view him this close.
I met Xi Men 10 years ago, when he was still studying at the prestigious Ying De University. He belonged to the exclusive group known as F4, composed of 4 arrogant, notorious lads, feared for their power and wealth. I was still a student myself then, working in a bakeshop, very naïve, with not much experience. We were acquainted through a common friend, San Cai, the love interest of F4's leader, Dao Ming Si and the quiet Hua Ze Lei...
At first, I saw him as a self-centered playboy, known for his infamous 1- week rule. He couldn't be in a relationship with anyone for too long. After a week, he would discard them all... Come to think of it, he never really wanted relationships... he just wanted the girls, them pretty girls, to feed his humongous ego.
But when I came to know him better, I knew. I knew that there was more to Xi Men than the image he was trying to project. Beneath his superior veneer is a young man searching for truthfulness in people... a young man desiring to be loved genuinely, for who he was, and not for what he had...
Eventually we became close and when he realized I was starting to fall for him, he kept his distance. I was very adolescent then yet I disregarded my personal dignity and offered myself to him, in what could have been the greatest maneuver of stupidity. But I didn't care then for all I wanted was to be one of his "girls"...
When his pushing away did not work, he tested me. Xi Men brought me to a hotel to confirm if I was really up for it, if I would really give my childhhod up for him. But ultimately, nothing happened. He couldn't do it to me because he said I was different, I wasn't like the cheap girls he brought to bed.
Xi Men never made me feel special yet I considered him a very important person in my life. His effect on my character was tremendous, though I'm positive he had no inkling about that. I used to think I was incapable of having such strong emotions towards another individual but he made me understand that I too, young as I was, could love...
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
As fate had it, I had to go to Canada where my family migrated. It was difficult having to leave your homeland and live in a foreign country where you did not know a soul. However, he never left my mind...Xi Men was always in my heart. One thing bothered me though. Was it really love that I felt for him, the kind of unconditional love that Hua Ze Lei gave to San Cai despite being unreciprocated, or was I just totally smitten by his charm???
I knew that the only way for me to validate it was to meet him face to face once more and explain to how much he had become part of my growth. It would enlighten not only him but my confused young heart as well...
When I was informed by my parents two years later that I had to go back to Taipei and arrange the papers for our properties, I felt a sudden bolt of sanity as if my systems shut down inside. I was aware that it had to be done sooner or later but I never thought it would be that immediate...
I prepared for my return. The documents, the goodies for my old friends, and of course, my gift for Xi Men... I had a gut feeling that that would be our last meeting together, if ever, since the moment I go back to Canada again, I won't be able to leave for the next 4 years or so as a requirement for the citizenship. And when that time comes, Xi Men would have totally forgotten about my existence.
I went to a local glass shop and asked to be made a customized hollow, clear glass, the shape of a flower. I gave them a piece of pink paper, wherein I wrote my message for Xi Men, to be enclosed inside. The only way for him to read the message was to break the glass and for some reason, I knew that he wouldn't wreck it...
When I arrived at the Taipei airport, it was already 3 in the afternoon. The climate, humid but hot since it was the monsoon season, was different from the breezy, sunny atmosphere in Canada. The wind was blowing strong when I stepped out of the plane and the moment I smelled the distinct scent of the air, a nostalgic feeling overcame me... I did miss Taipei, afterall.
Awaiting me at the lobby were San Cai and Qing He. "Xiao You!!! Xiao You!!!" I turned to see bright smiles welcome me as my friends waved at me frantically as if I wouldn't spot them amongst the crowd. Somehow, the gleam on their faces assured me that everything would be alright. "San Cai! Qing He!" I waved back.
We exchanged hugs and I kissed both of them on the cheeks. "So, how are you doing?" San Cai asked. "Well, I have gained weight obviously and I grew my hair long. It's a surprise you even noticed me." I answered.
"Of course we'll notice you!!!" Qing He exclaimed. "We'll notice you even if you gain 100 pounds!!! But seriously Xiao You, you're blooming right now... so what's the reason for this sudden glow?? Or should I ask... who??"
The grin on his face made me smirk. "C'mon Qing He!! I do not have a boyfriend right now!!! I didn't meet anyone special in Canada. No one as special as..." My own words made me stop, purse my lips and look at the floor. The change in San Cai's disposition, too, was evident. "Xiao You... are you okay?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and gave out a feigned smile before saying "Of course I am... It's just that... just that I realize that I am given only 3 days to stay here and there are some things I have to do. And that includes..."
"Are you sure you are ready to meet Xi Men?" Qing He butted in as if he felt the uncertainty within me. I merely nodded, still keeping that same kind of smile before replying, "After this visit, it would take a long time before I get to come back again and I'm afraid when that time comes, everything will be too late already. I have no other choice."
For a moment, awkward silence enveloped the three of us, beating the deafening noise of the crowd and the plane engines. Good thing, my friend San Cai knew what to do and she broke the uncomfortable stillness. "Hey Xiao You!! Are you not hungry??" she asked with a smile. "Come with me and Qing He. We'd treat you for some afternoon snacks!!"
We caught up on lost time while we were eating. They told me about the events that took place after I left for Canada, both the good and bad. Ah Si's amnesia, the princess from Bhutan, the love of Mei Zhuo's life. I noticed the alteration of San Cai's voice when she was relaying to me the things that Hua Ze Lei did for her and how hard it was to dismiss his proposal to go to Japan with him. Qing He kept silent through all these.
I then realized that they did not say a word about Xi Men, what became of him and what had he been up to, that time. I badly wanted to hear how he was but I felt as if my friends were trying to keep him out of the conversation.
"How about Xi Men?" I had to ask them myself. "What is he up to these days??" I tried to stay as calm and civil as possible as if he did not mean a thing to me, as if I was only referring to an old acquaintance. This, I inquired with a poker face while eating my pasta.
Qing He and San Cai looked at each other and tried to communicate by mere looks. They had no other option but to share it to me, of course. "Xiao You," San Cai held my hand, "Qing He and I made a promise not to talk about Xi Men with you because... because we thought you might still be waiting for him... and we know that he had moved on.", my friend apologetically said.
"I'm afraid Xi Men has his own life now and I believe it will be better if you'd leave things the way they are." Qing he calmly continued.
Their statements made me stop inhaling for a while as if air refused to enter my lungs. I did not expect those words to come from their lips for I thought they supported me in my adoration for him... but I guess, I've been away too long. I simply smiled a bit to hide the sting in my chest and said, "Do not worry. I have no expectations or anything. I simply want to give Xi Men a gift and maybe tell him how much he'd been a part of my life. After that, I am going to leave Taiwan and maybe even leave the memories I have of him behind..."
Liar. I told myself I was a liar. How could I possibly abandon the memories when that's all that will be left??? That night, I stayed at my aunt's house and took my much needed rest. It was a breather for me to be back at my homeland, and know that I'm sleeping beneath the charcoal Taipei sky...
The next day, I woke up early to arrange the things I had to take care of. I went to the bank, the real estate company, as well as the embassy. I talked with our lawyer and the other people involved with the organizing of our properties. It truly was a long day for me, who, for the first time in 20 years, felt a part of the adult world.
It was about 4:00 when I finished. At last, all was settled already and I had the whole afternoon and the next day for myself. I was riding a bus, about to go home when we passed by the towering corporate buildings of the city. My heart skipped a beat and I found myself frozen in what seemed to be a mixture of fright and excitement when I caught a glimpse of a familiar building, soaring amongst the other gigantic structures.
"Stop!!!" I suddenly stood up and shouted. "Stop the bus!!!" Even I was surprised by my own action but it was to me, instinct. The driver of the vehicle had to maneuver it to the side and embarrassed, I slowly got out of it.
It was very awkward, actually. There I was, standing in front of the lofty building, staring at it in all its magnificence like a little kid in awe of a toyshop window display. "This is where Xi Men works... this is his father's building.", I whispered to myself. One by one, I saw employees come out of the main door. I didn't have a clue what I was doing there still but my feet couldn't seem to move on its own. I was stuck on the spot where I stood, my heart palpitating in nervousness.
That's when I saw him come out. After two years, I saw the guy once more. Describing that moment is truly difficult but it's harder to describe the feeling within me. He was wearing a dark-colored business suit, talking to someone on the phone while sauntering fast. A man, whom I supposed was his driver and bodyguard was walking in front of him, preparing his car for a possible next meeting.
On my own pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him 'til morning Without him, I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me
The gentle breeze was blowing his hair from his face and I realized he was completely different from the easygoing Xi Men that I once knew. He looked more serious than ever, exuding that businessman-ly air and it was only then that I comprehended what San Cai and Qing He was trying to tell me- Xi Men had matured and moved on... and so, I must too.
Step by heavy step I followed him since his car was parked just a few meters away from where I was positioned. The wind blew stronger and I took a deep breath before I uttered "Xi Men." He had just put the phone down and was about to get in the vehicle when he turned around to see me. That look on his face, it would remain in my mind always...
It was as if he witnessed an apparition and for a second I knew he couldn't believe his eyes. "Xiao You..." he murmured in what I deemed as a cross between a whisper of plea and query. Even I was overwhelmed by out encounter... I merely smiled and nodded my head in response.
Then all of a sudden his expression changed and he appeared firm and highly again. "Oh, so you came back... When did you arrive?" I was truly taken aback by the alteration of his tone like he was only talking to a humble employee. My voice seemed to be caught in my throat and I thought I mumbled out my words..."Yesterday. I only have three days of stay here."
"Ah.. okay." He nodded, and for a few seconds, none of us spoke a word. "Um, Xiao You, I still have a meeting to attend to. It was nice seeing you though.", he finished, and immediately got in his car.
That was it??? That was all he could tell me after my two years of absence??? I couldn't let the moment pass. I needed so badly to speak with him.
"Xi Men!!!" I called out before he could totally close the door. "I'd like to talk to you... privately, I mean." I blurted straightforwardly.
He was silent for a minute, staring at me as if thoughts were spinning in his head. And then he opened his palm top to check if Xiao You could still fit in his busy schedule before saying, "Okay, I'm free tonight. Can I get you number? I'd just meet you at the Verdana at 8:00, alright?" He seemed to be on the rush that he did not care to wait for my reply and I was so dazed by what took place that all I remember is seeing his sleek black car speed off.
I was truly at loss for words, entirely shaken by the incident. The incident of seeing Xi Men once more, and realizing how divine he looked. He may have dramatically changed but one fact still remained- his exquisite and lovely form was enough to make the world stop spinning.
I arrived at my aunt's house very excited. Yes, I had been preparing for that moment to come and finally, finally after years, it would happen!!! I took a long bath to freshen up my senses and pampered myself with soothing lotions and essences. Verdana was one of the posh restaurants in Taipei and I knew that I had to look perfect.
For that event, I chose my favorite black tube dress, one which I even brought with me from Canada. It was simple yet elegant, flattering my petite figure since it hugged my body and fell just below my knees. I paired it with my silver stilettos and put on minimal make-up, my hair in French twist...
I checked myself in the mirror and knew that there was no way Xi Men wouldn't notice me. I thought that if he saw me, he would realize that I too, had grown-up and was not the childish Xiao You he once thought I was.
I took a cab to the plaza but did not immediately enter the restaurant. I waited outside the adjacent establishment, a coffee shop, and intended to only get inside once I see him arrive. My heart was palpitating fast and I kept saying over and over the lines that I've prepared to tell him. My gift, of course, was inside my purse...
It was already 8:00... 8:10... 8:20... 8:30, and still no sign of Xi Men. It would have been impossible for him to come earlier than I because he would've called already and checked where I was.
Droplets of water started trickling... At first one by one, and then started thumping hard on the roof extension of the café, where I stood beneath, keeping me dry. At about 8:45, my phone rang. I immediately answered it. "Hello?"
"Xiao You!!!", the voice said. "Who is this? Xi Men??" I couldn't clearly hear his voice for there was already a downpour of the rain. "Yes! Where are you?" he asked. "Well... I'm waiting for you at the resto in front of the Verdana. How about you?" "Xiao You, I'm very sorry. I really am. My dad called me for an emergency meeting and I'm stuck here in the conference room. I owe you big."
I took a gasp of air and swallowed hard to minimize the sudden pang of pain inside of my chest but I understood him. "That's alright. No problem... We can catch up on each other some other time anyway... Don't worry about it.", I said. "If I have free time tomorrow, I'll arrange for another dinner, okay? Take care. Bye.", and then he was off.
After putting the phone down, I looked around. I didn't know where I was to go. The city was wet, it was cold... but I missed Taipei so much and since I realized I wouldn't be back for a while, I wanted to savor the rawness of my real home. I decided to walk along the street, and sightsee the places I was sure I would be missing...
I didn't have a problem with keeping myself from getting wet for I just walked at one side and the all establishments had the roof extensions. I strolled slowly, appreciating the things that were distinctly Taipei. The motorcycles, the noodles and chopsticks, the Chinese-charactered signage... the people.
I didn't notice how long I had been walking and how far I had reached already until about 7 blocks from the Verdana, I noticed a familiar figure eating inside another restaurant across the road.
My pulse stopped. My mouth was stuck opened. Through the glass window of the Spanish-inspired store, I saw a man having dinner with a young lady, both of them appeared to be having a great time. Impossible. It couldn't be. He said he was in an important business meeting...
I did not know what got into my head that moment but I was in denial. All at once the clock discontinued from ticking and my senses were disrupted as if my very soul evaporated from my body. I caught myself slowly crossing the street, unmindful of the raucous horns blowing from the vehicles that were speeding past. I did not give a damn too about the heavy rain which immediately drenched my dress. I needed to know if it was him...
In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And while I was at the middle of the road, before I could even reach the other side, the young man smiled and it dawned unto me- it was Xi Men... It was Xi Men having a date with a beautiful girl. My chest began to tighten, my nose started to turn acid. Why did he have to lie??? Tremendous pain was beginning to build up inside of me but to cry, I did not want to do. The emotion was so immense that tears started falling from my eyes and I tried so hard to fight the urge to breakdown...
I started to run, run as fast as I possibly could. I did not know where I was heading but I had to get away from him. My face was soaked but I couldn't distinguish what was rain and what were tears... I found it hard to sprint wearing heels so I removed my sandals, scampering away as if a terrorizing monster was chasing me...
I didn't know anymore where I was... didn't care where the road had led me. All I recall is that my running was put to a halt when I realized that the street I was in was very dark and I noticed smoke coming from inside of a slightly opened gate. I was panting, drenched and lost...
Panic overcame me when I saw no other people around. Out of desperation, I slowly walked towards the unlocked entrance and took a peek. Auspiciously, it turned out to be a temple and some people were praying inside. For some reason, I went in and by that time, rain had stopped teeming already...
I started to feel cold for the wind was blowing strong and only then did I realize what I had done. There I was, alone in a temple, clothes dripping wet, hair all messed up, stunned and shaken of what just happened.
"Xiao You" I heard a man's voice call my name from the right side. He was simply standing there, staring at me, looking glorious in his usual white attire. It was Hua Ze Lei... I did not know what occurred but it was only when I recognized him, that I let go of my restraint and mutely broke down...
And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I need not even say a word for him to know that Xi Men was the reason behind my sudden outburst. He took me in his arms and I was left burying my face on his chest, letting out all the pain I fought hard to contain. It made me ponder how fortunate San Cai was to have Lei and how I wished I would be loved by someone like him...
He sat me down, not even asking me what went wrong... he indeed was a man of a few words. Lei allowed me to relax first, to compose myself, and when I did, I told him the whole story. It was always a wonder how a person who did not even bother utter a remark could create such a calming mood, making one feel sheltered...
When I was done narrating the account, he took my hand and brought me to the left side of the temple where the distinguishable smoke was coming from. He then handed me a piece of paper and said, "Here, write you prayer down. Think of that one thing that you would want to happen and once we burn it, the message will reach the angels and God in heaven." He was looking at me straight in the eyes as if explaining to a little kid. "If He believes you've been good on earth, then He'd grant you that prayer."
I gaped at the paper for a long time, considering hard what I was to put down. It had to be that one thing that I yearned to happen that very moment... All of a sudden, I heard him speak. "True love does not have to be mutual. More often than not, it is unrequited..."
His statement surprised me. We were standing side by side yet I was not sure if he was telling that to me or to himself for I saw him looking at his personal prayer, as if assuring his own spirit. Yes, he was still in love with my friend, indeed.
He filled his chest with a good deal of air before facing me and asking for my paper. And together, we watched our prayers turn into ashes and fly towards the evening sky... Hua Ze Lei brought me home to my aunt's place and I'd forever be grateful to him for rescuing me, a broken soul, that night...
The next morning, I woke up with a throbbing headache, which was worsened by the blinding sunlight that pierced through the curtains. It was 9:00 am and I felt sick, being soaked in rain the night before... I was about to get up from my bed when my mobile phone rang and I realized it was coming from Xi Men.
No, I didn't want to receive the call at all. Somehow, I was still mad at him for what he had done to me but I was overpowered by my deep desire to hear his voice and speak with him, thus, I was given no other option but to give in.
"Hello?" I answered, sounding groggy. "Xiao You! Hi good morning! Did I wake you up?" he queried, and his sheer voice caused electricity to crawl down my spine. "No problem... I had just woken up anyway... Why, what's up?" I asked, as if nothing was bothering me. "Well, I just want to apologize about last night. My dad is such a workaholic and he wants his son to be the same way too. Anyway, I am free again tonight and if it's ok with you, let us meet up again..."
I could hear my heart thumping inside of my chest... no sound would come out of my lips. His proposal made me excited and at the same time gloomy, for it brought me back to reality that that was my last day in Taiwan... my last chance to talk to him face to face...
"Hello?? Xiao You??" "Oh! Yes, I'm here. Sure... Um, is it possible for us to just meet somewhere else?? Somewhere less populated, maybe??" "How about Dante's at Zhen Ave.?? Okay?? See you then. Bye." And once more, he ended our conversation.
Since the dress that I had worn the previous night was all soggy, I had no choice but to scour my aunt's closet for a possible outfit to wear. I lost interest in dressing up because of the traumatizing event that occurred, yet I knew I still had to look my best.
I spotted the perfect garb, very much different from what I wore the night before. It was a white summer dress with huge, maroon flower prints all over. The fabric was so light such that it seemed to fly even with just a mild breeze... I let my hair down instead and wore flat slip-ons because my soles were still hurting. I finished off the look with a simple necklace, the one which my mother gave to me as a child.
Indeed, when I looked at my reflection, I liked what I saw for I appeared fresh and lovely... simple and definitely not the kind that Xi Men would date for only a week...
The interior of the restaurant was very posh and not a thing was out of place. From the displays, to the tables and even to the napkins... all were complementary of each other. I had been waiting there for about 10 minutes when he arrived, looking endearing, as usual. He ordered us some Mediterranean food, which I did not even know what was called.
Even if I had practiced my lines a million times already, still, I was at loss for words. Where would I start?? How would I begin my long overdue declaration?? Though there was an unbelievable force which kept me from talking, I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff and there was no other way but to let it all out...
"Xi Men..." I uttered hesitantly as we were eating. "as you very well know, we had migrated already and I just came back to fix some documents regarding our properties. It had been two years and I missed my friends here. San Cai, Qing He, you..." I was waiting for him to say a word but he seemed to be too engaged with his dish. He just kept on glancing at me once in a while.
"Well, I just want to let you know that... the whole time I was abroad, I was never involved with anybody." I couldn't believe I was confessing those things to him for it was very much unlike Xiao You, and I knew he noticed the awkwardness of the moment too for he couldn't look me directly in the eyes.
"My very purpose of talking to you is... is I want to let you know how important you have been... how important you are in my life. You may not be aware and even would deny it but I can't do anything about that fact- it's the plain truth. Even I couldn't decipher how someone could influence me in such a way and honestly, I am not even certain if it is love that I feel..." and the words began to flow out of my mouth non-stop like newly-opened champagne spilling out of its bottle. "...but whatever it may be, I am just absolutely thankful for it helped me grow as a person."
I love him but when the night is over He is gone, the river's just a river Without him the world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
Though Xi Men kept silent, I knew he was taken aback. He stopped eating, put his fork down and was silent the whole time, gazing at me. My emotions within were relentlessly streaming out and somehow, I was lucky to be bestowed with some much needed courage. "It does not concern me at all if after this, you may think that I have gone deranged because I cannot, certainly cannot move on knowing that I was too weak to tell these to you face to face."
He pursed his lips and looked away before saying "Xiao You, thank you for being honest, for feeling that way towards me despite all that I've done to you." He then glanced back at me, his eyes piercing my very soul. "I have a fiancée."
It did not matter. I never expected him to reciprocate my love anyway. I've done my part and that's all there was to it. A smile of contentment was my reply to him as I said, "I know..."
I couldn't recall how the conversation ended but I remember refusing his offer to bring me home. In a few hours, I would be leaving for Canada and I wanted to relish my surroundings.
However, outside of the restaurant, before we parted, I asked him one last question. One which I had been wondering about since before I left for abroad. "Xi Men..." I swallowed hard. "did you... did you not feel anything for me?? Even just a little hint of affection??"
He must've been caught off guard for he merely stood there, frozen by my unpredicted frankness. And I noticed his face turning dour, his breathing becoming heavy. He put his hand on my head, like I was a small child and without answering my question, said "Be a good girl Xiao You... take care of yourself."
I love him but everyday I'm learning All my life I've only been pretending Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known
Immediately, he turned his face away and got in his car and I knew then that he didn't want me to witness him shed a tear. I saw his car move away, though it was unusually slow. And then I realized I forgot to give my gift, the gift I had made solely for him.
"Xi Men!!! XI Men, wait!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs but he did not seem to hear my voice. I ran after his car, just like the night before, sprinted as fast as I possibly could only that time, I was chasing and not running away from him... I absolutely had to give him the gift.
And all of a sudden, I heard a loud screech and felt immense, no, much like numbing pain overcome my body. I was dazed for a while before I realized I was hit by a speeding vehicle.
My consciousness was starting to leave me, I was about to let it all go when I felt someone slightly lift my smashed body, screaming my name. It was Xi Men...
"Xiao You!!! Xiao You!!" he cried, assessing my damaged form. I was in so much ache that my vision had become blurry but I still perceived his face which had immediately turned grim... He started to cry.
"Xi Men..." I uttered. "Sssshhhhh... don't speak."He touched my lips with his finger. " Ssshhh... We'd get you to a hospital. Hold on Xiao You. Just hold on..." I felt his warm tears drop on my skin, tasted its saltiness on my lips, as he had already lost control of his emotions. It was my first time to see Xi Men weep, first time he allowed others to see him break down.
"Xi Men..." I tried to speak through all the unbearable pain. "Why... why are you crying??" He was shaking his head, trembling, breathing hard if only to clam himself down. He still was making me shut up.
I merely smiled despite the terrible, unending throb of my flesh and for the last time, said "Do not cry... I will... I will leave... this earth gladdened...", I was already gasping for air. "...don't you know God... God had answered my prayer?? I... I will die... in your arms..." That was the supplication I wrote on the paper... Just as I said that, life left my mortal body.
I still was able to get a glimpse of his reaction, the awful misery on his indescribable face. He tried to shake me for a while, trying in vain to bring me back. But all was too late... Slowly, he placed my lifeless body down and beside my corpse, bawled like he never did before.
He accidentally put his hand on the shattered flower glass that was my gift for him. Still grieving, he picked up the broken pieces that were left behind, including the pink paper stained with my blood. There, he read my concealed message, which said:
Xi Men, you'd forever be in my heart, even after I'm gone... I'll always be with you. Xiao You.
I am gazing at him right now, as he sleeps, with our lips about 4 inches from each other. His warm breath, I can feel... But as fate had it, he cannot feel me nor see me for I am a now but a mere spirit. Even as a soul, I never left Taipei, never went to the "light". I vowed to watch over him and his family...
I stand up and see his lovely wife, sleeping soundly beside him. How much Xi Men loves her!!! On the crib beside the bed is their adorable baby boy, sucking on his milk bottle. Maybe this is my destiny, my purpose in this world... For this, I have proven that true love, indeed, does not have to be mutual...
I love him I love him I love him But only on my own
The End.
It seemed just yesterday when I finished my first MG fanfic, Hua Ze Lei's Confessions and now, I'm on my sixth!!! Imagine... Life, indeed, passes by so fast. Because of my humble works, I was able to meet new people, know many friends and I'd forever be grateful for all those who took time (wasted time???) to sit down and read my melodramatic blabbering thoughts... Really, I'm just blown away and overwhelmed...
However, everyone needs to move on, to mature. And for that, I'd like to inform you, my dear friends, that this will be the last of my Meteor Garden fanfictions. Yes, this Xi Men-Xiao You story of mine, which I am really proud of. I feel as if I've said everything that I wanted to and somehow, I'd like to believe that I've done my part in entertaining (and bothering) you. The thing is, it won't be the last of my stories, of course. I'm an artist and I need to satisfy my artistic cravings...
By the way, On My Own (I love the Lea Salonga version!!!) is my favorite song, thus, I felt it is only but proper to make it my ending hymn... I just trust that I won't disappoint my readers with this last installment and hopefully, I gave justice to "His Gorgeousness", Xiao Tian (this is for you all Ken fans). It is in Xiao You's POV, and I am crossing my fingers that many people will be touched by its simplicity and universality (c'mon, it's unrequited love, for crying out loud!!!).
Through all these, I'd like to thank many (as in a lot!!!) people who had been a part of my "MG fanfic journey"... First would be my friend Kaieka, who was just a major factor why I continued to write stories... If not for her encouraging words, there won't be a red_star around. Of course, my families from Faithful 4ever (can't mention all), F4 affiliation (the sisses), tsinoy, and my other forums and groups, of course... My mom and dad (Yuck!! So showbiz!!), 2CA4, my BUBU and B.B., my friends, F3, and God...
To the MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN PERSON IN EXISTENCE, my baby, ZaiZai... thank you for inspiring me in ways you can't even imagine. I'll be waiting for you, for the time that there'll be an "us"... If this isn't love, then I don't know what is...
Shining bright and smearing red, red_star (red_star16@hotmail.com)
On My Own
And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to Without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here
True love does not have to be mutual. More often than not, it is unrequited. The irony. I was once told that the instance you allow yourself to be under the clutches of what seems to be an inevitable constituent of a person's life, you are doomed to be cursed. Cursed to be in pain, cursed to be in adoration of another individual, cursed to share your own self, and in the process, lose it. Thus, man is condemned to be in love.
But if condemnation encompasses the feeling of flying amongst the clouds, of swimming an endless sea as if there are no worries in life, then with open arms, I'd choose to be condemned. If the curse is to be face to face with a beautiful being, as beautiful as the one I'm staring at right now, then I'd gladly embrace being cursed.
Xi Men... his very face never fails to make my heart stop beating. I am gazing at him right now, as he sleeps, with our lips about 4 inches from each other. His warm breath, I can feel... I still cannot decipher how anyone can appear so majestic even as he is in deep slumber like a newborn child. His black, silky hair, tucked behind his ear yet slightly covering his eyes... The fragrance of the shampoo that he used when he took a shower, that citric smell which fills my senses. Those eyebrows, his thick brows which complement his endearing eyes, slightly opened, crowned with long, elegant lashes. The bridge of his nose is much like those that I see in Renaissance paintings, very soft yet distinguished. His cheeks I love most during winter, when the chill gives out the natural glow of light pink... And yes, his lips... Even the gods would die to taste those thin, luscious, crimson lips of his. I believe they would give up their powers if only to savor Xi Men's moist, tempting mouth...
He is a sight to behold indeed, and I am lucky enough to view him this close.
I met Xi Men 10 years ago, when he was still studying at the prestigious Ying De University. He belonged to the exclusive group known as F4, composed of 4 arrogant, notorious lads, feared for their power and wealth. I was still a student myself then, working in a bakeshop, very naïve, with not much experience. We were acquainted through a common friend, San Cai, the love interest of F4's leader, Dao Ming Si and the quiet Hua Ze Lei...
At first, I saw him as a self-centered playboy, known for his infamous 1- week rule. He couldn't be in a relationship with anyone for too long. After a week, he would discard them all... Come to think of it, he never really wanted relationships... he just wanted the girls, them pretty girls, to feed his humongous ego.
But when I came to know him better, I knew. I knew that there was more to Xi Men than the image he was trying to project. Beneath his superior veneer is a young man searching for truthfulness in people... a young man desiring to be loved genuinely, for who he was, and not for what he had...
Eventually we became close and when he realized I was starting to fall for him, he kept his distance. I was very adolescent then yet I disregarded my personal dignity and offered myself to him, in what could have been the greatest maneuver of stupidity. But I didn't care then for all I wanted was to be one of his "girls"...
When his pushing away did not work, he tested me. Xi Men brought me to a hotel to confirm if I was really up for it, if I would really give my childhhod up for him. But ultimately, nothing happened. He couldn't do it to me because he said I was different, I wasn't like the cheap girls he brought to bed.
Xi Men never made me feel special yet I considered him a very important person in my life. His effect on my character was tremendous, though I'm positive he had no inkling about that. I used to think I was incapable of having such strong emotions towards another individual but he made me understand that I too, young as I was, could love...
Sometimes I walk alone at night when everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy with the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head
As fate had it, I had to go to Canada where my family migrated. It was difficult having to leave your homeland and live in a foreign country where you did not know a soul. However, he never left my mind...Xi Men was always in my heart. One thing bothered me though. Was it really love that I felt for him, the kind of unconditional love that Hua Ze Lei gave to San Cai despite being unreciprocated, or was I just totally smitten by his charm???
I knew that the only way for me to validate it was to meet him face to face once more and explain to how much he had become part of my growth. It would enlighten not only him but my confused young heart as well...
When I was informed by my parents two years later that I had to go back to Taipei and arrange the papers for our properties, I felt a sudden bolt of sanity as if my systems shut down inside. I was aware that it had to be done sooner or later but I never thought it would be that immediate...
I prepared for my return. The documents, the goodies for my old friends, and of course, my gift for Xi Men... I had a gut feeling that that would be our last meeting together, if ever, since the moment I go back to Canada again, I won't be able to leave for the next 4 years or so as a requirement for the citizenship. And when that time comes, Xi Men would have totally forgotten about my existence.
I went to a local glass shop and asked to be made a customized hollow, clear glass, the shape of a flower. I gave them a piece of pink paper, wherein I wrote my message for Xi Men, to be enclosed inside. The only way for him to read the message was to break the glass and for some reason, I knew that he wouldn't wreck it...
When I arrived at the Taipei airport, it was already 3 in the afternoon. The climate, humid but hot since it was the monsoon season, was different from the breezy, sunny atmosphere in Canada. The wind was blowing strong when I stepped out of the plane and the moment I smelled the distinct scent of the air, a nostalgic feeling overcame me... I did miss Taipei, afterall.
Awaiting me at the lobby were San Cai and Qing He. "Xiao You!!! Xiao You!!!" I turned to see bright smiles welcome me as my friends waved at me frantically as if I wouldn't spot them amongst the crowd. Somehow, the gleam on their faces assured me that everything would be alright. "San Cai! Qing He!" I waved back.
We exchanged hugs and I kissed both of them on the cheeks. "So, how are you doing?" San Cai asked. "Well, I have gained weight obviously and I grew my hair long. It's a surprise you even noticed me." I answered.
"Of course we'll notice you!!!" Qing He exclaimed. "We'll notice you even if you gain 100 pounds!!! But seriously Xiao You, you're blooming right now... so what's the reason for this sudden glow?? Or should I ask... who??"
The grin on his face made me smirk. "C'mon Qing He!! I do not have a boyfriend right now!!! I didn't meet anyone special in Canada. No one as special as..." My own words made me stop, purse my lips and look at the floor. The change in San Cai's disposition, too, was evident. "Xiao You... are you okay?" she asked.
I took a deep breath and gave out a feigned smile before saying "Of course I am... It's just that... just that I realize that I am given only 3 days to stay here and there are some things I have to do. And that includes..."
"Are you sure you are ready to meet Xi Men?" Qing He butted in as if he felt the uncertainty within me. I merely nodded, still keeping that same kind of smile before replying, "After this visit, it would take a long time before I get to come back again and I'm afraid when that time comes, everything will be too late already. I have no other choice."
For a moment, awkward silence enveloped the three of us, beating the deafening noise of the crowd and the plane engines. Good thing, my friend San Cai knew what to do and she broke the uncomfortable stillness. "Hey Xiao You!! Are you not hungry??" she asked with a smile. "Come with me and Qing He. We'd treat you for some afternoon snacks!!"
We caught up on lost time while we were eating. They told me about the events that took place after I left for Canada, both the good and bad. Ah Si's amnesia, the princess from Bhutan, the love of Mei Zhuo's life. I noticed the alteration of San Cai's voice when she was relaying to me the things that Hua Ze Lei did for her and how hard it was to dismiss his proposal to go to Japan with him. Qing He kept silent through all these.
I then realized that they did not say a word about Xi Men, what became of him and what had he been up to, that time. I badly wanted to hear how he was but I felt as if my friends were trying to keep him out of the conversation.
"How about Xi Men?" I had to ask them myself. "What is he up to these days??" I tried to stay as calm and civil as possible as if he did not mean a thing to me, as if I was only referring to an old acquaintance. This, I inquired with a poker face while eating my pasta.
Qing He and San Cai looked at each other and tried to communicate by mere looks. They had no other option but to share it to me, of course. "Xiao You," San Cai held my hand, "Qing He and I made a promise not to talk about Xi Men with you because... because we thought you might still be waiting for him... and we know that he had moved on.", my friend apologetically said.
"I'm afraid Xi Men has his own life now and I believe it will be better if you'd leave things the way they are." Qing he calmly continued.
Their statements made me stop inhaling for a while as if air refused to enter my lungs. I did not expect those words to come from their lips for I thought they supported me in my adoration for him... but I guess, I've been away too long. I simply smiled a bit to hide the sting in my chest and said, "Do not worry. I have no expectations or anything. I simply want to give Xi Men a gift and maybe tell him how much he'd been a part of my life. After that, I am going to leave Taiwan and maybe even leave the memories I have of him behind..."
Liar. I told myself I was a liar. How could I possibly abandon the memories when that's all that will be left??? That night, I stayed at my aunt's house and took my much needed rest. It was a breather for me to be back at my homeland, and know that I'm sleeping beneath the charcoal Taipei sky...
The next day, I woke up early to arrange the things I had to take care of. I went to the bank, the real estate company, as well as the embassy. I talked with our lawyer and the other people involved with the organizing of our properties. It truly was a long day for me, who, for the first time in 20 years, felt a part of the adult world.
It was about 4:00 when I finished. At last, all was settled already and I had the whole afternoon and the next day for myself. I was riding a bus, about to go home when we passed by the towering corporate buildings of the city. My heart skipped a beat and I found myself frozen in what seemed to be a mixture of fright and excitement when I caught a glimpse of a familiar building, soaring amongst the other gigantic structures.
"Stop!!!" I suddenly stood up and shouted. "Stop the bus!!!" Even I was surprised by my own action but it was to me, instinct. The driver of the vehicle had to maneuver it to the side and embarrassed, I slowly got out of it.
It was very awkward, actually. There I was, standing in front of the lofty building, staring at it in all its magnificence like a little kid in awe of a toyshop window display. "This is where Xi Men works... this is his father's building.", I whispered to myself. One by one, I saw employees come out of the main door. I didn't have a clue what I was doing there still but my feet couldn't seem to move on its own. I was stuck on the spot where I stood, my heart palpitating in nervousness.
That's when I saw him come out. After two years, I saw the guy once more. Describing that moment is truly difficult but it's harder to describe the feeling within me. He was wearing a dark-colored business suit, talking to someone on the phone while sauntering fast. A man, whom I supposed was his driver and bodyguard was walking in front of him, preparing his car for a possible next meeting.
On my own pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him 'til morning Without him, I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me
The gentle breeze was blowing his hair from his face and I realized he was completely different from the easygoing Xi Men that I once knew. He looked more serious than ever, exuding that businessman-ly air and it was only then that I comprehended what San Cai and Qing He was trying to tell me- Xi Men had matured and moved on... and so, I must too.
Step by heavy step I followed him since his car was parked just a few meters away from where I was positioned. The wind blew stronger and I took a deep breath before I uttered "Xi Men." He had just put the phone down and was about to get in the vehicle when he turned around to see me. That look on his face, it would remain in my mind always...
It was as if he witnessed an apparition and for a second I knew he couldn't believe his eyes. "Xiao You..." he murmured in what I deemed as a cross between a whisper of plea and query. Even I was overwhelmed by out encounter... I merely smiled and nodded my head in response.
Then all of a sudden his expression changed and he appeared firm and highly again. "Oh, so you came back... When did you arrive?" I was truly taken aback by the alteration of his tone like he was only talking to a humble employee. My voice seemed to be caught in my throat and I thought I mumbled out my words..."Yesterday. I only have three days of stay here."
"Ah.. okay." He nodded, and for a few seconds, none of us spoke a word. "Um, Xiao You, I still have a meeting to attend to. It was nice seeing you though.", he finished, and immediately got in his car.
That was it??? That was all he could tell me after my two years of absence??? I couldn't let the moment pass. I needed so badly to speak with him.
"Xi Men!!!" I called out before he could totally close the door. "I'd like to talk to you... privately, I mean." I blurted straightforwardly.
He was silent for a minute, staring at me as if thoughts were spinning in his head. And then he opened his palm top to check if Xiao You could still fit in his busy schedule before saying, "Okay, I'm free tonight. Can I get you number? I'd just meet you at the Verdana at 8:00, alright?" He seemed to be on the rush that he did not care to wait for my reply and I was so dazed by what took place that all I remember is seeing his sleek black car speed off.
I was truly at loss for words, entirely shaken by the incident. The incident of seeing Xi Men once more, and realizing how divine he looked. He may have dramatically changed but one fact still remained- his exquisite and lovely form was enough to make the world stop spinning.
I arrived at my aunt's house very excited. Yes, I had been preparing for that moment to come and finally, finally after years, it would happen!!! I took a long bath to freshen up my senses and pampered myself with soothing lotions and essences. Verdana was one of the posh restaurants in Taipei and I knew that I had to look perfect.
For that event, I chose my favorite black tube dress, one which I even brought with me from Canada. It was simple yet elegant, flattering my petite figure since it hugged my body and fell just below my knees. I paired it with my silver stilettos and put on minimal make-up, my hair in French twist...
I checked myself in the mirror and knew that there was no way Xi Men wouldn't notice me. I thought that if he saw me, he would realize that I too, had grown-up and was not the childish Xiao You he once thought I was.
I took a cab to the plaza but did not immediately enter the restaurant. I waited outside the adjacent establishment, a coffee shop, and intended to only get inside once I see him arrive. My heart was palpitating fast and I kept saying over and over the lines that I've prepared to tell him. My gift, of course, was inside my purse...
It was already 8:00... 8:10... 8:20... 8:30, and still no sign of Xi Men. It would have been impossible for him to come earlier than I because he would've called already and checked where I was.
Droplets of water started trickling... At first one by one, and then started thumping hard on the roof extension of the café, where I stood beneath, keeping me dry. At about 8:45, my phone rang. I immediately answered it. "Hello?"
"Xiao You!!!", the voice said. "Who is this? Xi Men??" I couldn't clearly hear his voice for there was already a downpour of the rain. "Yes! Where are you?" he asked. "Well... I'm waiting for you at the resto in front of the Verdana. How about you?" "Xiao You, I'm very sorry. I really am. My dad called me for an emergency meeting and I'm stuck here in the conference room. I owe you big."
I took a gasp of air and swallowed hard to minimize the sudden pang of pain inside of my chest but I understood him. "That's alright. No problem... We can catch up on each other some other time anyway... Don't worry about it.", I said. "If I have free time tomorrow, I'll arrange for another dinner, okay? Take care. Bye.", and then he was off.
After putting the phone down, I looked around. I didn't know where I was to go. The city was wet, it was cold... but I missed Taipei so much and since I realized I wouldn't be back for a while, I wanted to savor the rawness of my real home. I decided to walk along the street, and sightsee the places I was sure I would be missing...
I didn't have a problem with keeping myself from getting wet for I just walked at one side and the all establishments had the roof extensions. I strolled slowly, appreciating the things that were distinctly Taipei. The motorcycles, the noodles and chopsticks, the Chinese-charactered signage... the people.
I didn't notice how long I had been walking and how far I had reached already until about 7 blocks from the Verdana, I noticed a familiar figure eating inside another restaurant across the road.
My pulse stopped. My mouth was stuck opened. Through the glass window of the Spanish-inspired store, I saw a man having dinner with a young lady, both of them appeared to be having a great time. Impossible. It couldn't be. He said he was in an important business meeting...
I did not know what got into my head that moment but I was in denial. All at once the clock discontinued from ticking and my senses were disrupted as if my very soul evaporated from my body. I caught myself slowly crossing the street, unmindful of the raucous horns blowing from the vehicles that were speeding past. I did not give a damn too about the heavy rain which immediately drenched my dress. I needed to know if it was him...
In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
And while I was at the middle of the road, before I could even reach the other side, the young man smiled and it dawned unto me- it was Xi Men... It was Xi Men having a date with a beautiful girl. My chest began to tighten, my nose started to turn acid. Why did he have to lie??? Tremendous pain was beginning to build up inside of me but to cry, I did not want to do. The emotion was so immense that tears started falling from my eyes and I tried so hard to fight the urge to breakdown...
I started to run, run as fast as I possibly could. I did not know where I was heading but I had to get away from him. My face was soaked but I couldn't distinguish what was rain and what were tears... I found it hard to sprint wearing heels so I removed my sandals, scampering away as if a terrorizing monster was chasing me...
I didn't know anymore where I was... didn't care where the road had led me. All I recall is that my running was put to a halt when I realized that the street I was in was very dark and I noticed smoke coming from inside of a slightly opened gate. I was panting, drenched and lost...
Panic overcame me when I saw no other people around. Out of desperation, I slowly walked towards the unlocked entrance and took a peek. Auspiciously, it turned out to be a temple and some people were praying inside. For some reason, I went in and by that time, rain had stopped teeming already...
I started to feel cold for the wind was blowing strong and only then did I realize what I had done. There I was, alone in a temple, clothes dripping wet, hair all messed up, stunned and shaken of what just happened.
"Xiao You" I heard a man's voice call my name from the right side. He was simply standing there, staring at me, looking glorious in his usual white attire. It was Hua Ze Lei... I did not know what occurred but it was only when I recognized him, that I let go of my restraint and mutely broke down...
And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us
I need not even say a word for him to know that Xi Men was the reason behind my sudden outburst. He took me in his arms and I was left burying my face on his chest, letting out all the pain I fought hard to contain. It made me ponder how fortunate San Cai was to have Lei and how I wished I would be loved by someone like him...
He sat me down, not even asking me what went wrong... he indeed was a man of a few words. Lei allowed me to relax first, to compose myself, and when I did, I told him the whole story. It was always a wonder how a person who did not even bother utter a remark could create such a calming mood, making one feel sheltered...
When I was done narrating the account, he took my hand and brought me to the left side of the temple where the distinguishable smoke was coming from. He then handed me a piece of paper and said, "Here, write you prayer down. Think of that one thing that you would want to happen and once we burn it, the message will reach the angels and God in heaven." He was looking at me straight in the eyes as if explaining to a little kid. "If He believes you've been good on earth, then He'd grant you that prayer."
I gaped at the paper for a long time, considering hard what I was to put down. It had to be that one thing that I yearned to happen that very moment... All of a sudden, I heard him speak. "True love does not have to be mutual. More often than not, it is unrequited..."
His statement surprised me. We were standing side by side yet I was not sure if he was telling that to me or to himself for I saw him looking at his personal prayer, as if assuring his own spirit. Yes, he was still in love with my friend, indeed.
He filled his chest with a good deal of air before facing me and asking for my paper. And together, we watched our prayers turn into ashes and fly towards the evening sky... Hua Ze Lei brought me home to my aunt's place and I'd forever be grateful to him for rescuing me, a broken soul, that night...
The next morning, I woke up with a throbbing headache, which was worsened by the blinding sunlight that pierced through the curtains. It was 9:00 am and I felt sick, being soaked in rain the night before... I was about to get up from my bed when my mobile phone rang and I realized it was coming from Xi Men.
No, I didn't want to receive the call at all. Somehow, I was still mad at him for what he had done to me but I was overpowered by my deep desire to hear his voice and speak with him, thus, I was given no other option but to give in.
"Hello?" I answered, sounding groggy. "Xiao You! Hi good morning! Did I wake you up?" he queried, and his sheer voice caused electricity to crawl down my spine. "No problem... I had just woken up anyway... Why, what's up?" I asked, as if nothing was bothering me. "Well, I just want to apologize about last night. My dad is such a workaholic and he wants his son to be the same way too. Anyway, I am free again tonight and if it's ok with you, let us meet up again..."
I could hear my heart thumping inside of my chest... no sound would come out of my lips. His proposal made me excited and at the same time gloomy, for it brought me back to reality that that was my last day in Taiwan... my last chance to talk to him face to face...
"Hello?? Xiao You??" "Oh! Yes, I'm here. Sure... Um, is it possible for us to just meet somewhere else?? Somewhere less populated, maybe??" "How about Dante's at Zhen Ave.?? Okay?? See you then. Bye." And once more, he ended our conversation.
Since the dress that I had worn the previous night was all soggy, I had no choice but to scour my aunt's closet for a possible outfit to wear. I lost interest in dressing up because of the traumatizing event that occurred, yet I knew I still had to look my best.
I spotted the perfect garb, very much different from what I wore the night before. It was a white summer dress with huge, maroon flower prints all over. The fabric was so light such that it seemed to fly even with just a mild breeze... I let my hair down instead and wore flat slip-ons because my soles were still hurting. I finished off the look with a simple necklace, the one which my mother gave to me as a child.
Indeed, when I looked at my reflection, I liked what I saw for I appeared fresh and lovely... simple and definitely not the kind that Xi Men would date for only a week...
The interior of the restaurant was very posh and not a thing was out of place. From the displays, to the tables and even to the napkins... all were complementary of each other. I had been waiting there for about 10 minutes when he arrived, looking endearing, as usual. He ordered us some Mediterranean food, which I did not even know what was called.
Even if I had practiced my lines a million times already, still, I was at loss for words. Where would I start?? How would I begin my long overdue declaration?? Though there was an unbelievable force which kept me from talking, I felt like I was at the edge of a cliff and there was no other way but to let it all out...
"Xi Men..." I uttered hesitantly as we were eating. "as you very well know, we had migrated already and I just came back to fix some documents regarding our properties. It had been two years and I missed my friends here. San Cai, Qing He, you..." I was waiting for him to say a word but he seemed to be too engaged with his dish. He just kept on glancing at me once in a while.
"Well, I just want to let you know that... the whole time I was abroad, I was never involved with anybody." I couldn't believe I was confessing those things to him for it was very much unlike Xiao You, and I knew he noticed the awkwardness of the moment too for he couldn't look me directly in the eyes.
"My very purpose of talking to you is... is I want to let you know how important you have been... how important you are in my life. You may not be aware and even would deny it but I can't do anything about that fact- it's the plain truth. Even I couldn't decipher how someone could influence me in such a way and honestly, I am not even certain if it is love that I feel..." and the words began to flow out of my mouth non-stop like newly-opened champagne spilling out of its bottle. "...but whatever it may be, I am just absolutely thankful for it helped me grow as a person."
I love him but when the night is over He is gone, the river's just a river Without him the world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
Though Xi Men kept silent, I knew he was taken aback. He stopped eating, put his fork down and was silent the whole time, gazing at me. My emotions within were relentlessly streaming out and somehow, I was lucky to be bestowed with some much needed courage. "It does not concern me at all if after this, you may think that I have gone deranged because I cannot, certainly cannot move on knowing that I was too weak to tell these to you face to face."
He pursed his lips and looked away before saying "Xiao You, thank you for being honest, for feeling that way towards me despite all that I've done to you." He then glanced back at me, his eyes piercing my very soul. "I have a fiancée."
It did not matter. I never expected him to reciprocate my love anyway. I've done my part and that's all there was to it. A smile of contentment was my reply to him as I said, "I know..."
I couldn't recall how the conversation ended but I remember refusing his offer to bring me home. In a few hours, I would be leaving for Canada and I wanted to relish my surroundings.
However, outside of the restaurant, before we parted, I asked him one last question. One which I had been wondering about since before I left for abroad. "Xi Men..." I swallowed hard. "did you... did you not feel anything for me?? Even just a little hint of affection??"
He must've been caught off guard for he merely stood there, frozen by my unpredicted frankness. And I noticed his face turning dour, his breathing becoming heavy. He put his hand on my head, like I was a small child and without answering my question, said "Be a good girl Xiao You... take care of yourself."
I love him but everyday I'm learning All my life I've only been pretending Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness that I have never known
Immediately, he turned his face away and got in his car and I knew then that he didn't want me to witness him shed a tear. I saw his car move away, though it was unusually slow. And then I realized I forgot to give my gift, the gift I had made solely for him.
"Xi Men!!! XI Men, wait!!!" I shouted at the top of my lungs but he did not seem to hear my voice. I ran after his car, just like the night before, sprinted as fast as I possibly could only that time, I was chasing and not running away from him... I absolutely had to give him the gift.
And all of a sudden, I heard a loud screech and felt immense, no, much like numbing pain overcome my body. I was dazed for a while before I realized I was hit by a speeding vehicle.
My consciousness was starting to leave me, I was about to let it all go when I felt someone slightly lift my smashed body, screaming my name. It was Xi Men...
"Xiao You!!! Xiao You!!" he cried, assessing my damaged form. I was in so much ache that my vision had become blurry but I still perceived his face which had immediately turned grim... He started to cry.
"Xi Men..." I uttered. "Sssshhhhh... don't speak."He touched my lips with his finger. " Ssshhh... We'd get you to a hospital. Hold on Xiao You. Just hold on..." I felt his warm tears drop on my skin, tasted its saltiness on my lips, as he had already lost control of his emotions. It was my first time to see Xi Men weep, first time he allowed others to see him break down.
"Xi Men..." I tried to speak through all the unbearable pain. "Why... why are you crying??" He was shaking his head, trembling, breathing hard if only to clam himself down. He still was making me shut up.
I merely smiled despite the terrible, unending throb of my flesh and for the last time, said "Do not cry... I will... I will leave... this earth gladdened...", I was already gasping for air. "...don't you know God... God had answered my prayer?? I... I will die... in your arms..." That was the supplication I wrote on the paper... Just as I said that, life left my mortal body.
I still was able to get a glimpse of his reaction, the awful misery on his indescribable face. He tried to shake me for a while, trying in vain to bring me back. But all was too late... Slowly, he placed my lifeless body down and beside my corpse, bawled like he never did before.
He accidentally put his hand on the shattered flower glass that was my gift for him. Still grieving, he picked up the broken pieces that were left behind, including the pink paper stained with my blood. There, he read my concealed message, which said:
Xi Men, you'd forever be in my heart, even after I'm gone... I'll always be with you. Xiao You.
I am gazing at him right now, as he sleeps, with our lips about 4 inches from each other. His warm breath, I can feel... But as fate had it, he cannot feel me nor see me for I am a now but a mere spirit. Even as a soul, I never left Taipei, never went to the "light". I vowed to watch over him and his family...
I stand up and see his lovely wife, sleeping soundly beside him. How much Xi Men loves her!!! On the crib beside the bed is their adorable baby boy, sucking on his milk bottle. Maybe this is my destiny, my purpose in this world... For this, I have proven that true love, indeed, does not have to be mutual...
I love him I love him I love him But only on my own
The End.