Thank you to all my loyal readers, and to the new readers for staying with me so long. Wow three years…. And 436 fan fictions later and I'm still writing. I know I have neglected to write a lot lately but way too much on my mind, usually of which is turned into fan fictions but … well I will TRY to write more… I promise!

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*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X

TITLE: 'X' is a letter taken both ways

CATEGORY: Screenplay

RATING: T

LANGUAGE: English

THEMES: Angst, Family, Romance, Hurt/Comfort

*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X

To the woman of my dreams,

I have contemplated writing this letter for exactly two months now, today is the day I have finally had the guts to sit down and write the truth about how I feel about… us…I wish there was still an us. I suppose that is the most important part that I feel I must say. I miss being able to call you mine, to say there she is… my beautiful fiancée … the woman I'm going to marry... the woman I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and treasure every moment I get to be with her.

Every night, even since you broke up with me… I fall to sleep thinking of you and how I wish you were here with me. It sounds lame but… sometimes I just curl up to my pillow and have the television on in the background to make me feel a bit better. To say I've been down for these past two months would be an understatement. With everything that has happened, I never in my life expected to live this long let alone to be able to see a future for myself, but with you… I saw a future, a future worth living for. It may sound stupid but I still imagine it sometimes. I imagine our wedding… and seeing you in that beautiful dress you was looking at, I see the little man in a gorgeous suit, with that big grin of his on his face. In my mind's eye I get to kiss you, and even in my imagination the feel of your lips on mine makes my heart fly again, and it flies so high I have tears stream down my face because I know that may never be but… still I hope it will be. Call me stupid. Call me daft. Call me whatever but… I can't hope, and wish and pray that one day I will be happy again. One day I will be back with the woman of my dreams, living the life I wish for each day.

Memories flash into my mind every day and there are so many things I wish I could have done.

We went out to the restaurant. I wish I had been so much more open with the world that I was lucky enough to be with you. I was the lucky one to be with such a beautiful woman. I suppose hearing that two women had been chased out of their homes in Colorado for being gay had me very worried about what would happen. Not for me but for you and the little one. I didn't want to cause trouble for you. I wanted to know you were safe when it came time that I had to leave.

Don't ever think I was ashamed of us, I wasn't. I was just getting used to what I should and shouldn't do. I know that if I ever get that chance to be with you again, I will refuse to hide the passion I have for you, from anyone. I don't care who hates me for it. You are my world, my one true love, the one I want to marry. The one who can always lights up my world. No matter how dark it is. The one who can make me smile even with a waterfall of tears falling down my face.

We went to the mall and again I wish I had been more open. Gradually I was getting there. I wish I had had more time.

More time to be with you, more to be happy, more time … would be perfect.

I wish I had had the money to do more things like… take you to a romantic restaurant and on a weekend break … I wish we could have gone to the aquarium like you wanted to. I wish I could have shown you how much I love you. I tried, I know I did but… I came nowhere close to how much I love you. How much… I want you

I remember laying on the bed beside you, the television on and… you telling me to go to sleep. I wasn't tired… I was trying to think of a way to show you or tell you how badly I wanted you. When I turned over upset it was because it didn't seem like you wanted me, I came away wondering what I did wrong and what was wrong with me that the woman I love just didn't want me. Especially when I wanted (and still want) her so much… just seeing your beautiful face, feeling your touch, hearing your voice had the power to turn me on in a matter of seconds. Damn it, I wish I had tried harder.

I remember the moment I was sat on the bed, and you kissed me so tenderly, I remember feeling like my heart would fly out of my chest, I laid back wanting you to lay down with me. Wanting more. Needing more. Wanting you. So badly. Inside my mind I was begging you to lay down, my mind being so overfilled with emotion of how much I loved (and love) you, how much I wanted (and want) you was so overwhelming. Then you walked away, and I felt I had done something wrong, I was hoping you was just getting into bed… with me. But… you just got out the computer and carried on like nothing happened. While I lay there … turned on… knowing I'd fucked up… and wanting to cry because in that moment it seemed like you changed your mind about me. I knew it was my fault and not yours. I felt like crap. I knew the moment we got together that I wasn't worthy of being with you, and in that moment it was more clear to me than ever before. But I still wanted you so badly, sitting here now I wish I had lent over and kissed you with all the passion, love, lust, need and want I had (and still have) for you. I wish I had just moved the computer out of the way and pulled you closer. Showed you physically how much I wanted you. But I didn't have the confidence to, who would when you in that moment believe the woman of your dreams doesn't want you? I suppose now that… is probably how you felt at the time too… that I didn't want you. That is so far from the truth.

I wanted you every single day we were together; I have wanted you every day since.

Knowing you were with someone else broke my heart, but not my hope. My hope that one day everything would be okay again, more than okay. We would be together again. It broke my heart because, there wasn't and still isn't a moment that goes by that I don't want to wrap my arms around you, hold you close, kiss you with all my being and tell you how much I love you and miss you. It broke my heart because I knew I messed up, and I knew I had a lost a chance in a lifetime, because how many chances do you get to be with your soul mate? The woman you can imagine spending an eternity with. The woman you can imagine marrying. The woman you can see a future with when up till then you have never thought of living long enough to call anything a future.

September 8th 2011, the moment I told you the truth about how I felt, the moment I told you I would be the happiest woman in the world to marry you. It was true. It still is. That date will never leave my mind. The date that, I went to bed with a huge smile on my face because we were going to try. A huge smile on my face because a gorgeous, caring, amazing, beautiful, fabulous woman wanted to be with me! Instead of crying myself to sleep like I had done all my life, I went to bed with a smile on my face, not wanting to sleep because the world I was living was so much better than the world of dreams. I remember dreaming of being with you and waking up so happy.

I remember the power that seeing your name pop up had over the size of my smile. I would be lying if I said it doesn't still have the same effect. Your name comes up and I can't help but smile. The only difference now is that I have to hold myself back from writing to you. From telling you how much I love you and how much I wish we were still together. From telling you how much I wish I could kiss you, to show you how much I want you, how much I love you and how much I wish I could call you my fiancée again, or even better my wife. I would marry you tomorrow if it was what you wanted. I would marry you next week, next month. All you'd have to do was say the word and I'd be there.

I know I said I would never love you the way I used to, in a way that was true. Distance makes the heart grow fonder is what they say. They're right, because it does. The moment I had to walk away from you, I wish I hadn't done. I kept wishing you would stop me. I kept hoping you would. I never wanted to leave. I waited outside in that line, not because I had to… it wasn't even my check-in. I stayed out there because I wanted you to stop me. I wanted you to tell me not to leave. I remember seeing you drive off, and I had to go inside at that point, inside to find somewhere I could cry my eyes out and nobody see me. So I could let the tears fall because my heart was in so much pain from having to leave. Even now as I write this I am trying not to cry but it is useless, the salt already stings my eyes and I know it is the punishment for leaving you.

I remember going through the gates so slowly, wishing I would wake up and be beside you again, your beautiful smile being the first I see when I open my eyes. Every day since I have relived that moment in my mind, wishing I had ran. I don't care if I had to live my life on the run. I don't care. As long as I got to be with you forever. As long as I could say happily that I love you. As long as I could still call you mine.

I know the distance was rough; it was rough on us both. Not being able to see you, to kiss you, to wrap my arms around you or to tell you out loud that I love you with all my heart.

If you said that you wanted us to be together again, my heart would fly and I would jump at the chance and I don't care who would be annoyed at me for that, or who I would lose as friends. You are the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with; you are the one I want to marry.

I see all these visions in my head of what could have been, what should have been, and what might be. Last night I dreamt that I was laying in bed, you had your head on my chest like you did that one time. (I remember feeling this overwhelming need and want to protect you for the rest of our lives, I remember feeling so much love in that moment that I wanted to wrap my arms around you and never ever let go. After that I wished you would do it again) In the dream, I had my arms around you tightly, my head resting softly upon the top of yours, the little man sitting on the bed watching cartoons and there was a baby girl fast asleep laying on the bed in between my legs. I remember that in the dream, your hand was stroking her tiny little head and I could feel you smile against me. When I woke up, I tried to go back to sleep, I wanted so desperately to get back to that place. That perfect moment. I woke up with a hand on my stomach, wondering if things could have been different and if things will ever be different. I found myself wondering if I will ever be that happy again outside of the dream world. I have so many dreams like that.

Laying here this morning, with tears streaming down my face as I write this letter. I wonder if I will ever have the guts to show it to you. If I will ever have the confidence to tell you how much I wanted you then, how much I still do, and how much I loved you then, how much I still do. In this moment I wish I could pull you close, and kiss you in a way that would hopefully show everything I feel for you.

Even now, four months after I left, I still reach my arm out when I am half asleep. I suppose it is wishful thinking that when I put my arm out, you will be there. I wish I could wake up and find out that this past few months was just a coma induced nightmare. That you are still my fiancée; you still want to be with me, that you still want to marry me, like I want to marry you.

I still haven't told Leah we split, I suppose if I tell her then it makes it real. I don't want it to be real. I'm still waiting to wake up from the nightmare.

The letter 'x' to me should be a kiss, but the sound of it is now the end of happiness. I don't want you to be an 'x', I want to be able to call you my wife, my present, my future, my world.

The letter 'x' now has one too many meanings for us. I know that could change though, or at least I hope it will.

I find myself hoping a lot lately, hoping I will wake up or hoping this will end. End the pain, end the days I have to spend without you. I would give everything to be with you right now, you are most likely still asleep. So I would get to watch you sleep again, to see your smile when I first wake, to kiss your lips and tell you I love you. I hope that one day I can show you how much I love you, how much I want to be with you. If it means walking to you then I would do it. I'm going on a trip in September (mostly to distract myself from the fact that it will be September 8th and yet I won't get to be with you. I won't get to take you to the Stanley like I hoped.) I plan to walk to yours from there in October or maybe November. My only fear is that it would be too late. That you won't want me anymore, then I realize my fear may already be true. Yet I would walk to the end of the earth if it meant having one last chance with you, one last kiss, one last goodbye, one last moment of happiness, to see that beautiful smile on your face and that awesome little grin on his. There are moments that shall never ever leave me. There is a ring that I will always secretly wear, there are two butterflies that I will have tattooed upon my skin to remind me not only not to cut again, but also to remind me that there was a time in my life where I was happy, where I could see a future. There was a time where I could say, I was engaged to the most amazing woman in the world. There was a time where I could say I had the most perfect little family there could ever be. There was a moment where I could smile for real instead of the fake smile I have plastered on my face for years and have gone back to using.

People assume I tell them everything, but the truth is nobody knows how much I truly love you. How much I wish I could be with you for the rest of my life.

I know you say you have merely five years, but I want so badly to treasure every single day of that short time we could have together. To wake up to that beautiful smile of yours, to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you.

I have this idea in my head that, maybe it would be easier if you came here. I want to save up so you can. I want to make it so you can come here. For a vacation and maybe more. So we can be together, no more stupid distance. Just us. Just the love we have for each other.

I want to be lucky enough to say out loud how much I love you, to say how much I want to be with you.

You were my world, and still are.

As I write this I can see your smile in my mind's eye and my tears fall because I can't reach out and kiss you.

I was asked the other day if snoring annoys me, because there was a program on that mentioned it. I said it didn't, I rather like it. They thought I was nuts but truth is. It isn't that I like, it's the method of stopping you snoring that I loved. The fact that kissing your head made you smile, and kissing your nose made you scrunch it up and smile, and also kissing your cheek made you smile. The best part was kissing your lips because you would stop and smile, then you would press your lips out in a soft kiss back a second later. Then there was when I kissed your neck, you wouldn't smile that time but instead you bit your lip and stopped. When you mumbled or seemed upset in your sleep, I would just wrap my arms around you and hold you close for a moment (not for long because I knew my body heat would make you too hot and you would wake up – I wanted you to be able to rest, I knew you needed it) and you would calm straight away. It sounds strange but I find myself hoping that if you don't want to be with me that whoever you do want to be with, knows that. And knows that when you sit up talking that you are just overtired and to tug you down, kiss your head, hug you for a bit and tell you to get some sleep.

There are so many things I remember, usually my memory is rubbish but I suppose you remember more about the one who means the world you to you than anything else you could possibly want to remember.

The memories are what make me smile each day, are what get me through each day.

They give me hope, and as long as I have hope, I won't give up.

I love you with all my heart and soul, and I know I have said that before but it doesn't make it any less true. I still can see you in my mind's eye in that beautiful dress, I remember the sparkle in your eyes as you told me you love me, I remember the bright smile on your face and the feel of your touch. I remember so many moments where the world just felt as though it stood still and we were the only people in the entire universe. We were the only ones in existence, because you and the little man were the only ones that mattered to me.

The moment my "mother" abandoned me because of loving you, wasn't a sad moment. It was a moment waiting to happen. It was a moment that I realized that I don't care what people think of me, as long as I have the love of the most amazing woman in the world. Because with you; nothing else matters. It didn't upset me, not truly.

Still I am debating whether to send you this letter, I know I have babbled on for a few thousand words now and I can't help the feeling that there is always more to say. There is always more I should tell you. The truth is that I can sum it up in a few short sentences. "I fucked up", "I am sorry", "I still love you", "I still want you", "You're still the one I want to marry" and "Forever isn't over".

I love you with all my heart and soul.

Forever Yours

P.S I know you may never read this but if you do and are you with someone else please ignore this if you are happy. When it comes down to it, that is what I want more than anything. I want you to be happy. I don't want t get in the way of that even though I will find myself wishing I was the one to make you happy. However if that is not the case, one more chance is all I can hope for.