BRUCE'S BOYCOTT
A South Park fanfic featuring the great Bruce Springsteen. I do not own these classic characters or mean any disrespect to the LGBT community. Please comment nicely!
"Mrs. Garrison, when you have to go to the bathroom, do you go to the boys room or the girls room?"
"Eric Cartman, that's enough hate speech from you!" The boys' transgender teacher gave fat Eric Cartman a dirty look. "I am a woman now and I have a right to use the woman's restroom in any bathroom in this country. Even if it's a gas station bathroom in some backwoods shithole in the most retarded state in the Deep South, some place like Carolina or Mississippi where there's no one but inbred hillbilly scum!"
"Ho-ho, look who's talking about hate speech," Cartman chortled.
"Dude, is it North Carolina or South Carolina where they won't let transgender people switch bathrooms?" Stan Marsh asked.
"I heard Bruce Springsteen is raising an army of aging straight white male celebrities to march South and free the she-males," Eric Cartman wisecracked. "How did the Boss get to be so gay friendly all of a sudden? I thought his songs were all crude and manly like, 'little girl, I want to marry you.'"
"Well uh, maybe he's a pedophile," Butters suggested. "Like Gary Glitter. Maybe Bruce Springsteen should boycott England because it's full of pedophiles."
"Maybe Bruce Springsteen should boycott the Catholic Church because it's full of pedophiles," Kyle Broflovski cracked. "Oh, I forgot, the Boss was raised Catholic himself. So I guess he's okay with pedophiles. He's not turning any Catholics away from his concerts, that's for sure."
"Butters! Bruce Springsteen is not a pedophile! Kyle! The Catholic church is not run by pedophiles. Eric! Stop mocking the desperate attempts of a has-been superstar to buff up his politically correct credentials with pathetic headline grabbing tactics like the Carolina boycott. Bruce Springsteen is a man of compassion and integrity, just like Abraham Lincoln and John Brown. Now tonight for homework I want every one of you children to write a letter to Bruce Springsteen thanking him for not sharing his music with the ignorant depraved prejudiced backwoods peckerwoods of North Carolina."
"Nice going, fat-ass," Kyle Broflovski whispered, as school let out for the day. "Thanks to you we all have extra homework!"
"This is going to be a snap!" Cartman confidently replied. That night he wrote a letter to Bruce Springsteen, but he took it much further than Mrs. Garrison had intended. And he actually made an extra copy and mailed it too!
A few days later, the boys were all hanging out at Stan's house after school when Bruce Springsteen suddenly appeared at the front door wearing a tall black Abraham Lincoln stovepipe hat.
"Is Eric Cartman here?" the aging rock legend rasped.
"I'm Cartman," said the fat kid in a sarcastic voice.
Bruce Springsteen fell at his feet, sobbing. "Thank you for showing me the way! Thank you for showing me the way!"
"Dude, what the hell are you talking about?" Stan Marsh was a little freaked out when the Boss pulled out a big knife and started sawing off his own wiener!
"Stop him, stop him!" Kyle Broflovski cried.
But it was too late. Bruce Springsteen's tiny little pecker was lying on the floor while blood spurted everywhere!
Outrage spread through the town of South Park when it was heard that the four boys had somehow forced the beloved rock legend to cut off his own tool and become a woman. Springsteen himself went on television in a bikini to show off his hairy armpits and explain he'd seen the light about his own ignorant blue collar sexuality, but nobody bought it.
They all blamed Cartman and the boys!
Kyle and Stan tried to reason with people, but all they got were insults and threats. Kenny tried too, but his mumbling talk only got gay activists so outraged that they tied him to a tree, poured gasoline all over him, and lynched him!
"You know, I learned something today," Kyle said, as Kenny's charred remains were still smoldering. "We all make fun of transgender people like they're different. But shouldn't we allow people to be who they really are, even if it means ignoring all the drastic amputations and expensive surgery?"
"Yeah," Stan said. "You know, if the Civil War were happening today, I think Abraham Lincoln would have a sex change too. Even if the people in Carolina didn't like it!"