Welcome to the First Life….
I breathe in and I'm lost because all that I'm breathing is of you… and what can I do but cry out for you silently as I mourn an emptiness that is unable to be made full? And how can I dream at night when all I want to feel is your touch knowing that it will never come? I watch you move slowly from one side of the room to the other and memorize the way your muscles move beneath your skin, and imagine the way it would feel to touch you, to have you touch me, to have you desire me…
And I die.
I hear your voice as it falls on my ears like soft velvet, and I see the tenderness in your eyes, but I know it is still merely my own fancy creating this, it must be... This moment where you are almost mine, and you imply to me that you want to make me yours, but the door opens, and the spell is broken and I see the truth. Your eyes are cold cobalt and your voice hard steel, and I know that if I could make you love me you could be the creature I see you to be in my deepest dreams, my deepest fantasies, but I can not…
And I die.
I sit on my bed and watch the shadows play across the curtains before my windows, and I know your shadow is amongst them as it always is, tauntingly close but unreachably far away. I whisper to you in the darkness as I always have, as I always will, and I wait for the reply that will never come. I know you believe that I am not able to see you, to sense your presence, but I always have, I always will. I see you stiffen at my words, almost hear your hand as it moves to grip the handle of the balcony door, and then it falls and you are gone, merged into the shadows from whence you came…
And I die.
I feel your touch in my sleep and know that you are near me, know that if I reached out I would touch you, and you would be real. But I can not reach up, because I also know that this could be a dream, and these stolen moments are more precious than the prospect of finding you before me, in the face of finding you are not there at all. I breathe out your name, and whisper to you my love and I feel lips upon my face, so warm and gentle, that I know it must be you. Because you are this danger and peace entwined, this cage I could never release myself from if I wanted to, because somewhere you feel…
And I die.
You touch my hair gently as we sit, alone, overlooking a field of wild flowers. I wonder why you have taken me here, to this place that is of such an ethereal beauty. I lean my head on your shoulder and ask you a simple question, one that has been held within me since the moment I first realized I loved you. And your anger is fierce, like a hurricane it destroys everything around us. And you hold my upper arms, your grip fierce, and your look wild as you ask me how I could say such a thing. How I could ask you to kill me. But you don't see, you don't understand between the half-dreaming and half-knowing…
I am already dead.
And I tell you this and your look grows stiff and stoic. As you have always been, as you will always be. I turn away, but you stop me, and I can not find the words to ask why. I do not want to hear that I am necessary for this world. I do not want to hear that I am needed for peace. I need to hear that I am necessary for you, that I am needed by you. No words come from you as you turn me to see your face…
And I die.
I feel the pain, and hear the unspoken words within you. I know the past and future entwined throughout your body, and I bear the frailty of your spirit which sits open for my view. Because I know…
And I die.
Together, in our faults we hid from truth and now… it is too far-gone to reclaim joy and innocence and untarnished unity. But the need is there raw and intense in its purity and I realize I have known, as you have always known, that this could never be. And I deny it. I hold you close and feel your body, as I have always needed to feel you… deep within me… almost touching my soul. No, you have already reached my soul. And as it ends, the need is still there, because it can never be sated…
And I die.
You turn away and speak apologies to me. Now, I reach for you and steady you in my grasp. I can not let you go… not let this go… because… with you gone…
I die.
Again and again.
Even though…
I am already dead.
I breathe in and I'm lost because all that I'm breathing is of you… and what can I do but cry out for you silently as I mourn an emptiness that is unable to be made full? And how can I dream at night when all I want to feel is your touch knowing that it will never come? I watch you move slowly from one side of the room to the other and memorize the way your muscles move beneath your skin, and imagine the way it would feel to touch you, to have you touch me, to have you desire me…
And I die.
I hear your voice as it falls on my ears like soft velvet, and I see the tenderness in your eyes, but I know it is still merely my own fancy creating this, it must be... This moment where you are almost mine, and you imply to me that you want to make me yours, but the door opens, and the spell is broken and I see the truth. Your eyes are cold cobalt and your voice hard steel, and I know that if I could make you love me you could be the creature I see you to be in my deepest dreams, my deepest fantasies, but I can not…
And I die.
I sit on my bed and watch the shadows play across the curtains before my windows, and I know your shadow is amongst them as it always is, tauntingly close but unreachably far away. I whisper to you in the darkness as I always have, as I always will, and I wait for the reply that will never come. I know you believe that I am not able to see you, to sense your presence, but I always have, I always will. I see you stiffen at my words, almost hear your hand as it moves to grip the handle of the balcony door, and then it falls and you are gone, merged into the shadows from whence you came…
And I die.
I feel your touch in my sleep and know that you are near me, know that if I reached out I would touch you, and you would be real. But I can not reach up, because I also know that this could be a dream, and these stolen moments are more precious than the prospect of finding you before me, in the face of finding you are not there at all. I breathe out your name, and whisper to you my love and I feel lips upon my face, so warm and gentle, that I know it must be you. Because you are this danger and peace entwined, this cage I could never release myself from if I wanted to, because somewhere you feel…
And I die.
You touch my hair gently as we sit, alone, overlooking a field of wild flowers. I wonder why you have taken me here, to this place that is of such an ethereal beauty. I lean my head on your shoulder and ask you a simple question, one that has been held within me since the moment I first realized I loved you. And your anger is fierce, like a hurricane it destroys everything around us. And you hold my upper arms, your grip fierce, and your look wild as you ask me how I could say such a thing. How I could ask you to kill me. But you don't see, you don't understand between the half-dreaming and half-knowing…
I am already dead.
And I tell you this and your look grows stiff and stoic. As you have always been, as you will always be. I turn away, but you stop me, and I can not find the words to ask why. I do not want to hear that I am necessary for this world. I do not want to hear that I am needed for peace. I need to hear that I am necessary for you, that I am needed by you. No words come from you as you turn me to see your face…
And I die.
I feel the pain, and hear the unspoken words within you. I know the past and future entwined throughout your body, and I bear the frailty of your spirit which sits open for my view. Because I know…
And I die.
Together, in our faults we hid from truth and now… it is too far-gone to reclaim joy and innocence and untarnished unity. But the need is there raw and intense in its purity and I realize I have known, as you have always known, that this could never be. And I deny it. I hold you close and feel your body, as I have always needed to feel you… deep within me… almost touching my soul. No, you have already reached my soul. And as it ends, the need is still there, because it can never be sated…
And I die.
You turn away and speak apologies to me. Now, I reach for you and steady you in my grasp. I can not let you go… not let this go… because… with you gone…
I die.
Again and again.
Even though…
I am already dead.