This is a parody. Did you read that? A PARODY. So the Mary-Sue-ness of the two girls is entirely intentional. Just had to make sure you got that. This is also very selective about what information it takes out of HBP. No one has died, not even Sirius. I use just about everything else I needed to though.

Harry Potter groaned and lifted his head, attempting to make out the shapes in the darkness that surrounded him. Underneath his knees, Harry could feel hay, or something similar. Directly across from him was a small rectangle of light, not bright enough to cast any real light into the room. He tried to move, but felt resistance on his wrists and heard the rattle of chains. He puzzled over where he was and how he got there. The last thing that he remembered was… was the first day of school, and he knew that it was at least Christmas by now. He wasn't sure how he knew that, but it may have had something to do with the holly branches and big red bows that decorated what he could see of the hallway outside of his cell.

He puzzled over this, wondering how he had gotten so filthy, why his clothes were torn and where those bruises just under his ribs had come from. He decided that it was either a miracle or a curse that he still had his glasses. If someone liked him enough to make sure he kept them, he decided that he stood a good chance of escaping, because that meant that it wouldn't be Voldemort that had him. If someone went through the trouble of making sure he had his glasses so that he could see what was happening to him…. Harry shuddered at the thought, and hoped that it was a miracle.

Light footsteps came echoing down the corridor, and a grunt came from someone Harry assumed was his guard.

"Now Crabbe, I understand that you feel like you got the short end of the stick because you didn't get to go with Lucius on the raid, but please attempt to observe proper manners when greeting your superiors." This was said by a light feminine voice, which Harry paired together with the footsteps.

Wait a minute, did she say superiors? Since when was a young girl superior to any Death Eater? Harry listened closely as Crabbe mumble out words that, were they understandable, may have been a pleasant greeting to a commander in the Inner Circle.

"I suppose that will have to do," the voice sighed. "But remember, no skipping out on this week's lesson. I know you and Goyle think that I will forget you, but I promise that I don't. Neither does Morgan." The voice was so sweet that if not for the highly audible gulp from Crabbe, he would not have considered this a threat. But if a Death Eater in the Second Circle was gulping from it, Harry opted to play it safe with this girl.

"Now, if you don't mind, I have to check on our guest. Has he woken up yet?"

"No ma'am, haven't heard no sounds except for the normal chain rattling," Crabbe mumbled in reply, making sure to keep his words coherent.

"Thank you for the update, will you unlock to door please?" Harry feared what was to come next, for he would be face-to-face with his captor.

The door swung open revealing the short stature of a young girl about his age, Harry decided. She seemed to hesitate in the doorway, then stepped fully into the room.

"How horridly dark it is in here, won't you agree Harry? No need to pretend to be asleep, I heard your breathing pick up when I walked in." The girl chuckled when Harry pulled in another deep breath, knowing what she had been doing in the doorway. She had basically been picking up his scent, like a tiger after an antelope. The girl took out her wand, and muttered a spell that lit the torches next to the door.

"Much better," the girl said with decided satisfaction. Harry could now see that she was definitely his age, with longish blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She was wearing robes, over what appeared to be… pyjamas? Harry furrowed his brow. No self-respecting Death Eater would walk around Voldemort's castle (he had to believe that was where they were, if there were two Death Eaters and a dungeon) in pyjamas. Would they?

"Now that this place looks a little bit better," the girl said, having cast a few more spells as Harry came to terms with her attire. There was now a fluffy armchair in which the girl was now perched as well as the hay had been cleaned up and swept to the side, revealing the stone flooring. "I suppose that we should first start with introductions. Everyone here knows who you are, of course, the great Harry Potter. Which leaves me, and of course Morgan, when she decides to show up. My name is Carmen; I went to Hogwarts as well, graduated this year. I was in Slytherin, so you probably don't recognize me at all." Carmen looked slightly put out at this, as if everyone should know whom she was. Harry could vaguely place her features, probably from the Slytherin bleachers during Quidditch.

"Anyways, Morgan and I joined up with Voldemort almost immediately after we graduated, and quickly rose through the ranks of the Death Eaters. We are among the youngest of all Death Eaters, and the youngest to ever have made it into his Inner Circle." Carmen said this all very nonchalantly, as if every witch her age was doing the same things.

"And now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I'm going to do something that I have wanted to do for a long time, but never had the chance to," Carmen cackled, rubbing her hands together as she got a decidedly evil glint in her eyes.

She stood and towered over Harry, so much that he was sure the floor tilted. It had to be. No one could seem that tall and still be so short… Could they?

Harry was so absorbed by his thoughts that he didn't even realize when Carmen pulled back her arm and sucker-punched him in the stomach. The breath was knocked out of him, and all he could do was wheeze. What was wrong with this girl! She just up and hit him, without any explanations at all!

"And this one, this one is for all the times that you beat my poor Draco into the ground during Quidditch," Carmen crowed, slapping him across the face. Harry was almost positive that he had lost some skin with that one.

"What are you thinking?" Harry cried. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"Don't play dumb, Potter! I know that you can throw off the Imperious, so just admit that you did it for your own sick and twisted reasons." Carmen glowered at him, and Harry allowed himself to be just the tiniest bit afraid of this girl. After all, she was just a girl, right? How much harm could she do?

"I really don't know what you're talking about, but maybe if you explain it to me, I'll remember. You see, I can't recall anything past the Welcoming Feast, and it appears to be Christmas," Harry explained tentively.

"You were just kidnapped last night. After the Welcoming Feast," Carmen said, looking confused. "Why did you think it was Christmas?"

"Er… It may have had something to do with all the Christmas decorations in the hallway."

Carmen looked over her shoulder into the hallway, and a look of enlightenment dawned on her face. "Oh, those. Nope, Morgan has an affinity for Yuletide, so we try to humour her. She does let me decorate the bathroom with posters of Johnny Depp, after all."

Harry just nodded, not sure who Johnny Depp was exactly, but willing to indulge his captor anyway.

"So, are you going to confess, or will I have to hit you some more?" Carmen asked, the threat clear in her eyes.

Harry was about to answer, when he heard footsteps in the hallway. They sounded horridly similar to Carmen's.

"Good afternoon, Crabbe. I see that I have arrived late yet again. How is your shift going?" This girl's voice sounded slightly more cultured than Carmen's, but he wasn't sure. It was probably the fact that Carmen had been on the verge of screaming at him since she had arrived, and this girl wasn't.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. Lady Carmen arrived only ten minutes ago, and it sounds like quite the tussle in there," Crabbe's voice replied. Harry blinked, no sure if this was the same Crabbe that had just gotten reprimanded by Carmen for not enough manners and class.

There was something different about this girl, and Harry wasn't sure if he was going to like it.

The door swung open for a second time, and another short girl entered the room. She was red-haired, grey eyed, and wearing was also wearing robes, but they were business robes, with a Muggle suit underneath them. Everything on her was black, even her nails, as Harry noticed when she reached up to push her hair out of her face. Harry remembered her very well.

"Hello Harry! So nice to see you again. How have you been doing?" Morgan asked cheerfully, conjuring herself up a high-backed leather covered chair. Almost like a throne, Harry decided, which suited her quite well, as many regarded her to be Queen of the Universe. Which meant that Carmen was…

"I know who you are now," Harry said to Carmen hoarsely, his eyes darting around the room as he prayed for some sort of divine intervention. It didn't come.

Carmen looked slightly put out, because Harry had only remembered after Morgan had stepped into the room. Morgan, on the other hand, looked quite amused.

"And who is she, Harry? I find it hard to believe you needed me to jog your memory. I would have thought that a couple of hits from Carmen would have done that," Morgan said, chuckling to herself.

"Y-you are that crazy witch, the one that was stalking me at Hogwarts. You left all kinds of notes for me everywhere, to show that you had been there. You even left one in the Chamber," Harry answered, the fear on his face echoing in his voice. "The Queen of Chaos."

"He remembers that!" Carmen said happily, clapping her hands a little.

"I assume also, that he hasn't confessed to his crimes?" Morgan asked, a smirk on her face. "I hope you haven't interrogated him too much. I didn't get to go on the raid either."

"No, he says he doesn't remember anything, even though it was just this summer, only a month and a half ago." Carmen reported. "He also thought that it was Christmas, so I don't know what that says about his sanity. Maybe we shouldn't have sent Nott and Avery after him. We probably should have done it our selves. Never send a man to do a woman's job, as the saying goes, after all."

"Quite true. But I think that there is a different reason that he doesn't remember. Perhaps a well placed Memory Charm?" Morgan said, placing her hands together under her chin in the proper 'Evil Warlord(ess)' manner.

Carmen gaped at Morgan. "You didn't, did you?"

"I must confess, I did. It wouldn't do to have him telling Draco, or worse, Snape about it, you know. And the entire plan only took two Memory Charms, and an Imperious to work anyways." Morgan shrugged, not looking in the least bit sorry.

"You mean, I actually did something to her, but you managed it so that I didn't remember anything? What did I do?" Harry asked, curiosity running amok at the expression of utter disbelief on Carmen's face.

"Well, you see, I cast a Memory Charm on you so that you forgot you could throw off the Imperious. Only temporarily, but long enough for my plans. Then, I cast the Imperious, and you arrived at our apartment in London not long after. You carried out my orders, and then returned to Diagon Alley, where you had been before. I used the help of a Time Turner, so that the Weasleys didn't realize that you were gone at all. I cast another Memory Charm, and you forgot the entire thing." Morgan explained this with the efficiency of someone used to giving reports.

"You left out the trauma that he left behind him!" Carmen screeched, and it was quite a high screech as well. Her hands were fisted, and she slammed them down on the arms of her chair. "I demand that you tell him, so that we can justify his punishment!"

Morgan sighed, rubbing her right ear slightly. "Alright. Harry, I gave you orders to arrive at the apartment, ring the doorbell, and wait for Carmen to answer it. If she didn't, which I had planned not to happen, as she was the only one home, you were to force your way into the apartment, disabling our spells with instructions from me. The whole point was to get you to Carmen. Once you had her in your sights, you were to kiss her." Morgan looked pleased with herself.

"Kiss her? Just a peck, right?" Harry asked nervously.

"NO! NOT JUST A PECK! YOU SNOGGED ME SENSELESS! AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT IT WAS YOU!" Carmen bellowed at the top of her lungs, jumping out of her chair. She began to brandish her wand around, looking like she was about to curse the next thing that moved. Harry was petrified at the thought.

"Now now, Carmen. You know that you have to wait to answer all of his questions before we punish him, so sit down and behave," Morgan admonished, a smirk still playing on her lips.

"Dear Merlin," Harry whispered, not wanting to believe their story. "You stole it. You stole my first real kiss, because Cho doesn't count. I can't believe it. I don't even remember it."

Morgan gave him a pitying look. "Now Harry. You can't blame us for that. Think about it this way: You were under the influence of the Imperious and a Memory Charm, with no way to fight back. It was all an evil plot, so it wasn't really your first kiss. It was just your first time locking lips with a girl. Now Carmen here, she can't really think about it that way, because she wasn't under anything, except your hands." She gave him a big friendly smile, as if that solved everything.

"How far did we go?" Harry asked, fearing for his virginity as well when Morgan said 'under anything, except you hands'.

"No further than a snog, don't worry. You are fully intact, regardless of the fact that Carmen doesn't have anything that would pop your cherry. You're saving that for Bill, you know. Just give it a couple of years," she replied, while Carmen looked ready to puke at the mention of her popping Harry's cherry.

'Oh my dear Merlin,' Harry thought, trying to block the image out of his mind.

"So, why did you do it in the first place?" Harry asked, looking for a reason to place the blame on.

"April Fool's Day."

"But wasn't that back in, say, April?" Harry asked.

"Well, you see, this took some planning, and I couldn't just swipe you out from underneath Dumbledore's nose, bless the man. Not at the end of the school year. You needed to be studying for your O.W.L.s. Which you were, right?" Morgan asked, her eyes slanting menacingly.

Carmen sighed, as if this was an old battle. "Morgan, drop the studying. We don't need to worry about it anymore, and if Harry fails to become an Auror, all the easier for us, ne?"

"Hey, you're right about that. Hmm… so I shouldn't have made his Potions exam easier than everyone else's, should I have?" Morgan asked regretfully.

"YOU MADE IT EASIER?" Harry and Carmen screamed at the same time, glaring at Morgan.

"I didn't take the same one as everyone else?" Harry asked. "Why didn't the judges notice?"

"I was a judge Harry, and I know your writing. I took your exam and practicals, and made them a little bit more correct. What's the harm in that?" Morgan shrugged. "Bill and you will thank me some day when you have a good job to support him with, don't worry."

"But, that means that if I had taken the real test, I would have gotten a lot worse that the amazing 'E' I got." Harry moaned. "No wonder everyone was so surprised."

"Now now, Harry. If it makes you feel any better, I fixed Hermione's and Ron's too," Morgan said, reaching over to pat him on the head. She stopped before she touched and wrinkled her nose. "On second thought, scorgify."

Harry felt himself become clean, and sighed with relief. He felt much better now that he wasn't plastered with dried mud and hay. He felt Morgan pat him on the top of his head gently.

"Now, do you have any other questions? I'm afraid that Carmen won't sit still much longer, and we will have to punish you soon. After that, we'll send you back to Hogwarts, where you will say that you had a headache, and went to find someplace quiet to sit, thereby missing breakfast and Divination, which was your first class today." Morgan gave him another smile.

"No more questions? Good!" Carmen cried before Harry could open his mouth.

She pulled out her wand again, and started to whisper curses, and Harry felt himself change…

At the end of a half hour, Morgan made Carmen stop. Harry felt as if he had been pounded into a tiny ball, rolled flat, shook out, and had the process repeated a good ten times. What had really happened though, was that he had about 10,800 (give or take a few) curses thrown at him over the past thirty minutes, at a rate of six seconds a curse.

Morgan observed his new features, cocking her head in curiosity. "Carmen, I think that you may have used that Bat-Bogey Hex one too many times. I know that I asked Ginny to teach it too you, because she does it better than anyone we know, but still."

Carmen looked very proud of herself, and rather vindicated. "I think that he deserved all of it."

"Finite Incantatem," Morgan said, pointing her wand at Harry.

Carmen looked shocked. "What on Earth did you do that for?"

"We couldn't very well send him back to Hogwarts looking like that, could we? Besides, the mental trauma will be enough to last him a lifetime of punishments."

Harry felt himself pass out, thinking, 'So this is what Hells feels like. Good think I'm a saviour…'

THE END!