All he wanted was for them to understand why he was doing what he was doing. He strongly believed that what he was doing, was for the best. Not telling them was a colossal mistake. They kept looking at him, disgusted with what they were seeing. That was just Sam and Bobby. He didn't know how Dean was looking at him. He couldn't bring himself to find out. Out the three of them, he knew who's opinion mattered most, because it always has. He knew what he was feeling, but for once he wasn't sure how to word it. As he tried to sputter out something, Dean quietly told him "you gotta look at me man." He had never felt more vulnerable and …well..more human, then in that moment. Especially when Deans eyes begged for him to tell them that there had been a mistake, that it really wasn't what they thought. Dean asked him if he was working with Crowley, but there was nothing he could say, and nothing he could do because he couldn't stand the idea of lying to Dean once again. When nothing was said Dean looked..destroyed. He wanted to scream, he wanted to grab Dean and tell him that he was doing this FOR HIM. To keep HIM safe. But after another moment of silence Dean whispered the most heart-breaking "son of a bitch" and he knew it wouldn't matter what he said. Not really anyway. Yet he couldn't let Dean look at him that way, he NEEDED to explain. He didn't understand why they wouldn't just trust him. He was their friend and Dean…Dean was his…just his.