Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places
thereof
WARNING: This story is composed entirely of comedies of sexuality and betting. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read further.
***
"Father?"
Elessar looked up to see his son standing before him, twitching a bit. He asked the natural question of, "What have you done, Dari?"
Eldarion shook his head. "I wasn't breaking any rules this time," he said, "but Mother was going through some of your old things, and I found, um, well, this picture, and it looks as though, um, well, I don't mean to be fresh with you but it looks as though you are, well, um, you appear to be, uh, mounting Uncle Legolas."
Elessar's eyes widened. "What?" He grabbed the proffered parchment and looked at it, then fell back into his chair laughing. Once he had recovered, he looked sternly at his son. "If one word of this reaches anyone, you are in very big trouble, young man."
"Yes, Father." Eldarion bit his cheeks. It had been a very funny drawing, with Elessar, his eyes wider than physically possible, sitting on the lap of a comically over-endowed Legolas.
"Not a word," Elessar repeated.
Blinking innocently, Eldarion promised, "Of course, Father. Why, it would be scandalous."
"What ever happened to not being fresh?"
"I would never!"
"Eldarion, I love you, but you are a terrible actor. Go and see if your mother needs your...assistance...and remember that you are not to breathe a word of this to anyone--not even Legolas."
"Of course, Father," Eldarion answered, doe-eyed. He opened the door, then turned back and said, "I understand that this matter is completely...private." Eldarion did nothing to stop the wandering of his eye; in fact, he even winked and grinned. Then he dashed into the corridor and closed the door behind him. The sound of something heavy hitting the door followed him closely.
In the hall, Eldarion laughed as quietly as possible. He laughed until his gut hurt, then he lean against the wall for support and laughed some more. His face turned red and he loosened the laces of his tunic to breathe easier. Eldarion slid down along the wall until he was sitting on the floor laughing like a maniac. He clutched his stomach as tears slid down his face.
"You're going to wet yourself if you laugh much harder."
This comment only sent Eldarion deeper into his fit of laughs. Desperately the prince fought to control himself. When at last he raised his eyes, he met the blue gaze of the Prince of Ithilien. "My Lord Faramir," Eldarion said, as though the two were bowing to each other. Faramir had lowered himself into a squat to be level with Eldarion.
"I pray you, Prince Eldarion, share with me this great joke of yours."
Eldarion opened his mouth to answer, then bit his tongue. "My apologies, I am not at such liberty."
"Hm. Fair enough." Faramir stood, then offered a hand to Eldarion, who stood on shaking legs. "I come in search of your father, is he in?"
Eldarion replied, "Yes, he is. Though in what, exactly, I cannot say." He giggled.
"Eldarion. Is your father in his study, or is he not?" Faramir was not in the best of tempers and Eldarion's confusing behaviour did not improve this at all.
"Oh, his study! Yes, yes, he is in his study. Be careful he isn't banging something against the walls when you enter."
"That is hardly the speech of a prince!" Faramir scolded.
Doe-eyed again, Eldarion said, "I only meant that he is in a most foul of tempers and is throwing things about. Be wary of foul ejaculations in that study."
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Faramir answered.
"He does speak in his anger, my lord!" Eldarion said innocently.
Faramir raised an eyebrow.
"Don't use that angry cock on me, I've done nothing wrong!"
Faramir laughed bitterly. "If you were my son, I would have you wash your mouth out with soap."
Eldarion, ever the innocent, said, "Well, don't put ideas like that by my father. He is willing to try anything!" He turned and ran before Faramir puzzled that one out.
*****
Eldarion glanced at his father that night at supper and forced a cough to cover up his laugh. This would have been a most inopportune moment for Eldarion to make some sort of comment, being as he was in the great company of not only his mother and father but the Prince of Ithilien, the King of Rohan, Lady Eowyn and the Prince of Mirkwood. To keep his mind clean, Eldarion asked Legolas to please pass the plate of rolls, and when Legolas referred to them as "buns" Eldarion held his breath to keep from laughing. "Thank you," he managed to squeak in a very high voice.
"Would you like to be excused, Eldarion?" Elessar asked him sharply.
"Estel, do not be so angry with him, it was my own fault," Legolas said. "Be fair to him."
Eldarion couldn't help. "Well he's never as fair as you are, Uncle," he snickered.
"Dari!"
"Sorry, Father." Eldarion concentrated very hard on his plate. He did not bother acting innocent and pulling doe-eyes. It was not until later that night, when enough wine had been poured that the adults were not-quite- sober, that Arwen, of all people, turned the tide of conversation to the past.
"Estel," she said, "I was cleaning out some of your old things today, and I came across the most comical drawings! One of them has gone missing, but this was my favourite." She handed him an old bit of parchment, which caused him to blush, but he could not admonish her as he might Eldarion.
To make matter worse, Lady Eowyn saw the comic and said, "That looks just like you and..." Then she fell silent, but her wide eyes dart between Legolas and Elessar until at last Elessar folded and passed the parchment round.
"We may as well tell the story," he said. "It's good for laughs. It started innocently enough--"
Arwen interrupted him. "No it didn't. Tell the story properly. It started with the four of you acting like immature little boys."
"All right, so it started with the four of us acting like immature little boys," Elessar consented. "Things pretty much went downhill from there. Legolas's brother had recently taken a male lover, and Elrond had made quite clear his disapproval of such practices..."
WARNING: This story is composed entirely of comedies of sexuality and betting. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read further.
***
"Father?"
Elessar looked up to see his son standing before him, twitching a bit. He asked the natural question of, "What have you done, Dari?"
Eldarion shook his head. "I wasn't breaking any rules this time," he said, "but Mother was going through some of your old things, and I found, um, well, this picture, and it looks as though, um, well, I don't mean to be fresh with you but it looks as though you are, well, um, you appear to be, uh, mounting Uncle Legolas."
Elessar's eyes widened. "What?" He grabbed the proffered parchment and looked at it, then fell back into his chair laughing. Once he had recovered, he looked sternly at his son. "If one word of this reaches anyone, you are in very big trouble, young man."
"Yes, Father." Eldarion bit his cheeks. It had been a very funny drawing, with Elessar, his eyes wider than physically possible, sitting on the lap of a comically over-endowed Legolas.
"Not a word," Elessar repeated.
Blinking innocently, Eldarion promised, "Of course, Father. Why, it would be scandalous."
"What ever happened to not being fresh?"
"I would never!"
"Eldarion, I love you, but you are a terrible actor. Go and see if your mother needs your...assistance...and remember that you are not to breathe a word of this to anyone--not even Legolas."
"Of course, Father," Eldarion answered, doe-eyed. He opened the door, then turned back and said, "I understand that this matter is completely...private." Eldarion did nothing to stop the wandering of his eye; in fact, he even winked and grinned. Then he dashed into the corridor and closed the door behind him. The sound of something heavy hitting the door followed him closely.
In the hall, Eldarion laughed as quietly as possible. He laughed until his gut hurt, then he lean against the wall for support and laughed some more. His face turned red and he loosened the laces of his tunic to breathe easier. Eldarion slid down along the wall until he was sitting on the floor laughing like a maniac. He clutched his stomach as tears slid down his face.
"You're going to wet yourself if you laugh much harder."
This comment only sent Eldarion deeper into his fit of laughs. Desperately the prince fought to control himself. When at last he raised his eyes, he met the blue gaze of the Prince of Ithilien. "My Lord Faramir," Eldarion said, as though the two were bowing to each other. Faramir had lowered himself into a squat to be level with Eldarion.
"I pray you, Prince Eldarion, share with me this great joke of yours."
Eldarion opened his mouth to answer, then bit his tongue. "My apologies, I am not at such liberty."
"Hm. Fair enough." Faramir stood, then offered a hand to Eldarion, who stood on shaking legs. "I come in search of your father, is he in?"
Eldarion replied, "Yes, he is. Though in what, exactly, I cannot say." He giggled.
"Eldarion. Is your father in his study, or is he not?" Faramir was not in the best of tempers and Eldarion's confusing behaviour did not improve this at all.
"Oh, his study! Yes, yes, he is in his study. Be careful he isn't banging something against the walls when you enter."
"That is hardly the speech of a prince!" Faramir scolded.
Doe-eyed again, Eldarion said, "I only meant that he is in a most foul of tempers and is throwing things about. Be wary of foul ejaculations in that study."
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Faramir answered.
"He does speak in his anger, my lord!" Eldarion said innocently.
Faramir raised an eyebrow.
"Don't use that angry cock on me, I've done nothing wrong!"
Faramir laughed bitterly. "If you were my son, I would have you wash your mouth out with soap."
Eldarion, ever the innocent, said, "Well, don't put ideas like that by my father. He is willing to try anything!" He turned and ran before Faramir puzzled that one out.
*****
Eldarion glanced at his father that night at supper and forced a cough to cover up his laugh. This would have been a most inopportune moment for Eldarion to make some sort of comment, being as he was in the great company of not only his mother and father but the Prince of Ithilien, the King of Rohan, Lady Eowyn and the Prince of Mirkwood. To keep his mind clean, Eldarion asked Legolas to please pass the plate of rolls, and when Legolas referred to them as "buns" Eldarion held his breath to keep from laughing. "Thank you," he managed to squeak in a very high voice.
"Would you like to be excused, Eldarion?" Elessar asked him sharply.
"Estel, do not be so angry with him, it was my own fault," Legolas said. "Be fair to him."
Eldarion couldn't help. "Well he's never as fair as you are, Uncle," he snickered.
"Dari!"
"Sorry, Father." Eldarion concentrated very hard on his plate. He did not bother acting innocent and pulling doe-eyes. It was not until later that night, when enough wine had been poured that the adults were not-quite- sober, that Arwen, of all people, turned the tide of conversation to the past.
"Estel," she said, "I was cleaning out some of your old things today, and I came across the most comical drawings! One of them has gone missing, but this was my favourite." She handed him an old bit of parchment, which caused him to blush, but he could not admonish her as he might Eldarion.
To make matter worse, Lady Eowyn saw the comic and said, "That looks just like you and..." Then she fell silent, but her wide eyes dart between Legolas and Elessar until at last Elessar folded and passed the parchment round.
"We may as well tell the story," he said. "It's good for laughs. It started innocently enough--"
Arwen interrupted him. "No it didn't. Tell the story properly. It started with the four of you acting like immature little boys."
"All right, so it started with the four of us acting like immature little boys," Elessar consented. "Things pretty much went downhill from there. Legolas's brother had recently taken a male lover, and Elrond had made quite clear his disapproval of such practices..."