A/N: Hey guys! So I know it's been almost two weeks since I posted "somewhere beyond the darkness (there is light)" and Chapter 2 of that is almost ready to be posted! But this came to me in the early morning hours when sleep would not and I just had to write it out.
It's not the best thing ever, and I apologize for that, but it was a fun thing to get my brain going and get back in action with my editing for the next chapter. The muse wanted to write it so here it is.
I do love hearing from you guys, so please let me know what you think! Thanks so much for all of your support!
"I can't…" he breathed, his forehead pressed against hers as he held her face in his hands.
She saw the storm of emotion clouding his normally clear blue eyes. The battle he was waging against the drug lingering in his system; the drug that had stripped him of most of his willpower. Trembles shook his frame and her hands moved up to grasp his wrists, holding on to him; wishing she could do more to help him. There was no antidote, but Diggle had given him fluids to try and flush the drug from his system quicker. It had been worse. When he'd first come back, he'd started towards her almost immediately, need, desire, love shining in his eyes.
Until Diggle intercepted him; getting in his face and talking in low tones. But she heard. Diggle was trying to keep him from doing something he normally wouldn't and her stomach had flipped when she realized just what he'd been about to do.
Her heart hammered in her chest, desperately wondering why he was still trying to hold back and knowing, all at the same time.
She wanted this; they both wanted this - drug or not. She knew the way he was looking at her was real - she'd seen the same look in his eyes before and it pulled at something so deep and long ago shut off that as it fluttered to life, it took her breath away.
"Oliver…" she whispered, a plea and benediction all at the same time.
With a gasping sigh, his lips covered hers, soft and hesitant until she moved against him, her fingers tightening over his pulse points as her mouth opened beneath him. He surged towards her, his entire body bracketing her in as he engulfed her tiny frame.
She moaned softly when his tongue ran along the seam of her lips, and then swept into her mouth, tangling with her own. Her fingers ran up the length of his arms, still clad in dark green leather and then to the the base of his neck, pulling herself up and angling her head as he deepened the kiss even more, sounds coming from her she didn't realize she could even make.
Her hips canted upwards and she heard the groan that rumbled up from his chest, a desperate needy sound the spiked heat straight to her core.
"Felicity," he almost begged against her mouth, breaking away as they both pulled in gasping breaths.
Her eyes fluttered open; their mouths still inches away from each other.
"I'm right here," she replied softly, voice hoarse and rough with desire. "I'm not going anywhere…"
His eyes slammed shut and she carded her hands through the short strands of his hair as he continued to wage a battle in his mind.
"I can't do this to you…" he mumbled, and she startled back.
"You're not doing anything to me, Oliver…" she answered almost offended. "I'm a very willing participant…"
His mouth quickly covered hers again and her words died in her throat as he nipped at her lower lip as if he couldn't get enough of her.
A few seconds too soon, he was pulling back once more, shaking his head. "I can't give you what you deserve...you deserve so much more."
A frisson of annoyance ran through her. "Why don't you let me decide what I deserve and don't deserve," she snapped back, hands still clutching him tightly.
The sadness in his eyes drawing her in and making her own heart ache in response.
"We both want this...we both…" she began but she didn't get to finish.
"It's not about what I want, Felicity!" he practically roared, this time actually taking a step back from her as her hands dropped limply to her sides. "I can't be with someone I could...that I do care about," he trailed off, his voice softening and becoming desperate with the last few words, begging her to understand.
"That's bullshit, Oliver Queen," she replied, crossing her arms over her chest and stepping back into his personal space, "And you know it. I'm in no less danger on the team and not with you than I am with you and on the team. You don't get to play that card…"
He shut his eyes, hands running over his face as he took a deep breath. "I spent five years learning that love was the strongest emotion and then I learned how to turn it off to keep from having it used against me. But you...you came into my life and I didn't see you coming. I didn't even know I loved you until it was too late...and I won't sit by and let myself fuck this up."
"Oliver, you're not going to…" Her voice had softened, shoulders dropping as she gazed up at him with tenderness, wanting to reach out and erase the pain that radiated off of him. He was a walking ball of tension, coiled so deep within him that she could see the muscles flex beneath the leather, fists clenched at his sides.
Blue eyes flashed to hers, his long legs eating up the scant distance between them as he towered over her, eyes searching her face, drinking in every facet of it.
"Everyone I care about - everyone I let myself love gets hurt or killed. Look at what has happened in my life since I got back. Tommy, my mother, Thea...everyone..," his eyes are wild, dampness gathering around them as he raises his voice.
She inhaled sharply, chest tightening in a way that had her grasping at the collar of her shirt and pressing down as if she could somehow relieve the pain.
All of her words vanished as he stared at her with so many emotions she couldn't process them all. But it was the one that she'd longed to see for so long that she found and clung to as he opened his mouth again.
"I won't let myself screw this up…" he murmured hoarsely, his hand reaching out to trail fingertips over her jaw so he was cupping her face. "I can't...I can't lose you, Felicity."
The tears fell as her eyes fluttered shut; her cheek sinking against his hand.
And then she reached for him, pulling him to her in a rush of need and all-consuming love for this man who she wanted to kiss and smack at that same time.
Her mouth fused with his, lips seeking and receiving as he somehow managed to slow her frantic pace. He tongue swept through her mouth, as he drew her into a languid kiss until she had no more breath and had to break away.
When she opened her eyes, she found him looking at her as if she'd just given him the world and yet she could see the trepidation - the constant fear that at any second it was going to disappear because of him.
"You're looking at love the wrong way," she finally said, biting down on her bottom lip as she raised her hand to thread her fingers with the hand that still rested against her cheek.
"You're looking at it as a weakness, when in reality, love is a strength, Oliver," she murmured, turning her face and pressing a kiss to his palm.
She felt him react; his body moving forward as a strangled sound left his lips.
"But you have to decide that," she exhaled, closing her eyes, knowing this was going to be the hardest part because if he wasn't ready and he didn't believe that they were worth it then it wasn't time.
"I trust you," she whispered, eyes fluttering open to stare into his, pleading with him to hear her. "I trust us. Love isn't a weakness, Oliver. We've always been stronger together."
Taking a deep breath, she nuzzled her face against his hand once more and then leaned up on her toes and pressed a soft kiss against his warm mouth.
Closing her eyes, she broke away, knowing if she looked at him it would be ten times harder for her to leave. Before she could change her mind, she slipped from his grasp, stepping around him. Halfway to the door, the tears began to fall and her hand flew to her mouth to stifle the sob stuck in her throat.
For all the things she'd had to face in her short lifetime, this was one of the hardest. Walking away from a love that she knew she would give everything to, if he would just let himself love and be loved.
She was half asleep, alone in her townhouse, when she heard him as he let himself in through the window of her bedroom.
Her lights were out but she lay awake in her bed, staring out the window, her tears long since dried.
All the blood rushed pounded through her ears when she saw him silently climb through the small space, his leathers replaced with jeans and a pull over. Her heart thrummed in her chest as he stood next to her bed, watching her, waiting, and she almost couldn't bear it.
Her eyes, tired from crying, fluttered closed and when she opened them, the bed dipped beside her as he sat down.
When the tips of his fingers brushed blonde strands of hair out of her face, she shivered, and fought the instinct to move closer to his touch.
"You're so much stronger than me," he finally whispered, breaking the silence, his hand trailing over her hair.
Her hand snaked out from under her pillow and caught his, intertwining their fingers. "You're the one who helped me believe in that strength," she replied softly, her voice cracking with the emotion lodged in her throat.
She watched as he shook his head. "You've always been strong, Felicity Smoak."
"But I didn't know what I could do until you came into my life," she answered, shifting so she could see him better. "You have to trust that we will make as good of a team outside of the team as we do on it."
"I do trust you," he breathed, breath hitching in the darkened room.
"And I trust you," she replied, tugging him closer.
"I can't lose you," he told her again, and she pulled his hand to her lips, pressing kisses against his knuckles.
"You won't unless you push me away," she replied. "I'm not going anywhere."
His body bowed, shoulders hunching as he let out a ragged breath and then he was toeing off his boots and sliding down on the bed to lay beside her.
"I meant what I said that night…" he spoke after a few moments of silence.
"I know," she replied, shifting closer to him as he raised his free hand and trailed it over her shoulder and down her arm, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
Leaning in, he kissed her, soft and slow and sweet. It made her heart soar and yearn for more at the same time. She wanted everything with this man. Everything.
"Together?" he whispered, against her hair when they broke apart and she snuggled into his arms.
"Always," she answered, head resting over his heart.
As she drifted to sleep, she heard him let out a contented sigh, soft words echoing in her ear.
"Loving you has always made me stronger."