Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic. Well, actually I own Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson but other than that no. Well, I might I don't know, I'm not really paying attention to the details. Anything you don't recognize I most likely own.

A/N: I love the HP books to death. And I love the fanfiction- and while I say this let's take the time to say go read A Many Splendored Thing and This Can't Be Love, by yours truly! Anyway I love the fanfiction, but my friend introduced this concept to me and I think it's hilarious so I'm going to write one. Ok? Ok. Good, so let's get started.

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Mary Sues!

• • •

Narrator: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, madams êt monsieurs, señores y señoras- ok I think you get the point. Welcome one and all to this most extraordinary work of… I'd like to say storytelling but that's a stretch. So if you would turn your attention to the world of Hogwarts where Harry and Co are in their, lets make it, seventh year. I bring you to the sorting!

Hermione: Wow! I'm Head Girl. This is a shocking surprise. Harry, are you Head Boy?

Harry: Shockingly no. I suppose it's like 5th year, Dumbledore thought I had too much on my plate with the whole saving the world thing.

Ron: Hermione you didn't ask me.

Narrator: Quiet you two you're getting in my way of plot advancement!

Ron and Hermione: Sorry.

Dumbledore: Long Speech Long Speech Long Speech… Commence with the Sorting!

Narrator: Students at Hogwarts watch as the ickle first years get sorted. Suddenly they notice a new face. It is…

A new student no one has ever seen before walks through the Great Hall. She is a seventh year who has mysteriously showed up at Hogwarts and her presence there will not be explained in this story. Only that she ends up there. She is six feet tall, perfectly skinny without being anorexic, tan even though it is Britain in September, bright, emerald, sparkling, shining, unbelievable green eyes, and has long perfectly straight hair that goes down to her shoulder blades and then ends in a perfect inward flip that is unbelievably shiny and perfect and soft and glossy and gorgeous and flippy and the exact color of a polished mahogany table.

Sorting Hat: Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson. Hufflepuff!

Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson: Can I be a Gryffindor instead? I think I'm too un-boring to be a Hufflepuff even though they're cool anyway.

Sorting Hat: I have no eyes, but you're beautiful. I can feel it; you have shiny soft beautiful hair, which even a hat like myself with no senses can notice, and feel. So sure! Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson- Gryffindor!

Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson (from here on out known as Hayley) bursts into tears.

Hayeley: Oh thank you so much! I love it here at Hogwarts! It's such a good thing that I'm here in my seventh year under mysterious circumstances instead of stuck at home with my evil relatives that hate me because I'm magical and my parents were killed by Voldemort but he couldn't kill me and now I have this star-shaped scar on my head! [Continues crying.]

Harry: Hey! That's my story. But you're beautiful. And I love you. So it's ok!

Ron: I love you too! Can I be your sidekick too?

THE NEXT DAY IN CLASS

Prof. McGonagall: Can anyone tell us the answer to this?

[Points to incredibly complicated transfiguration type thing]

Hermione raises her hand high in the air, smiling broadly like she knows the answer, which, of course, she does.

So, to everyone's surprise, does Hayeley.

Prof. McGonagall: Hermione, you aren't a perfect Mary Sue. Hayeley, tell us the answer sweet girl.

Class' collective jaws drop as they hear Professor McGonagall being affectionate, and Hermione promptly bursts into loud noisy crying. Hayeley gives answer perfectly.

Hermione: I hate her. And yet she's perfect, so I want to be her best friend!

LATER ON IN THE YEAR

There have been some security breaches in the castle. Scary stuff like that. Naturally people assume its Voldemort.

Prof. Dumbledore: Not to alarm anyone, but just so you all know Voldemort is trying to attack Hogwarts.

Students all scream. Hayeley stands up.

Hayeley: Can I just do something to calm everyone down?

Prof. Dumbledore: Er… um… you're perfect. So I guess the answer is… sure!

Hayeley sings a stupid sappy song that she thinks is the most wonderful thing ever. Her voice is okay, at best, but she tries too hard. Be that as it may everyone loves her.

All: YAY! WE'LL BE OKAY! HAYELEY WE LOVE YOU!!

Evil Voice Over: Muahahahah I'll get you! I'll kill you all! Especially you Harry Potter!

All: AHH!! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!

Harry: Well I guess I'll go vanquish Voldemort now.

Harry and Voldemort fight. It doesn't go very well until…

Hayeley: Don't worry I'll save you!

Hayeley goes in, has super special power things, kills Voldemort, rescues Harry, saves world. Fudge comes in, gives Hayeley the Order of Merlin, First Class.

Fudge: The wizarding world thanks you. you're a hero Hayeley!

Hayeley bursts into tears again.

Hayeley: Oh thank you so so much! I love all of you little people!

Everyone: Wow, she's so great!

Harry: I don't care that you stole my background, story, fame, glory, and every aspect of my personality. I also don't care that we're also only 16. I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you! MARRY ME!

Hayeley: Um… well since you're Harry Potter I'll move you to the top 1,000,000 on my list. OH WHAT THE HELL? Sure!

Everyone: Awww… YAY!! A HAPPY ENDING!!

Ghost of Voldemort: Not for me. I'm going to go pout.

Everyone: You do that.

And so, we all lived happily ever after except for those of us that can't take anymore Hayeley Emmaline Angelica Hilary Melanie Xanderson. Like me! So THE END!!!

Hope you enjoyed Harry Potter and the Curse of the Mary Sues!

(p.s. don't forget to read Twist of Fate! Please? You know you want to!)