Brothers Not Forever

A Marauders' era fanfiction. Sirius allows himself one of his rare angsty moments at the death of an enemy… or was it a dear friend?

Sirius watched with a glassy calmness as the casket was lowered into the ground. He'd known it would come to this, he'd even made an attempt – albeit a small, token one - to warn the now-dead boy about the consequences that would result from his actions, but the boy hadn't listened.

He -never- listened, Sirius thought, shaking his head bitterly as he watched the witches and wizards in black robes begin to intermingle, comforting the dead boy's mother. None comforted Sirius, they didn't even know he was there, hidden amongst the trees.

Sirius angrily scrubbed at his eyes that had chosen to sting… he didn't know why he was crying. He had hated that boy with all of his heart. Hated him…

"I told you not to join the Death Eaters," Sirius muttered angrily, swiping at his eyes futilely. "But oh no, you just had to... Mum's little hero. Bloody little coward."

Unbidden, the image of a young Regulus Black peeking into his older brother's room with tear stained cheeks, asking to stay there for the night after a nightmare flashed into Sirius's mind, forcing him to bite down on his lip and turn away from the scenes of the present and reminisce on those of the past.

Sirius tried to shove the memories away. Every single memory in the Black household had been a bad one; there was no need to imagine up some fanciful memory of a 'good' Regulus Black…

But try as he might, Sirius could still recall the forgotten good times he'd had with his younger brother. Sneaking out of the house and wandering Muggle streets before Sirius had gone away to Hogwarts, spying on Kreature as he spied on them, painting Regulus's room with colour changing paints… and accidentally painting themselves in the process.

Times before the wedge of their mother had been driven between them. Before Sirius became the disappointment and Regulus was coddled and deemed the good son, the better son. And a small, attention-seeking boy, finally told that he was better than his idolized big brother, had his ego inflated, which led to his death.

Sirius scuffed the dirt with his boot before turning and taking long strides back to his motorcycle. Once he was at its side, the black-haired young man paused for a moment as more memories assaulted him.

James's parents had just dropped off their son and Sirius at platform nine and three quarters. Sirius had been staying with James for the summer, eager to avoid seeing his own family for as long as possible.

Sirius snickered at a comment James had made as Lily Evans walked by, but immediately acted innocent as the red-haired girl turned on James and he, looking ready to slap them both. The wrath of Evans was a fabled thing that none but the bravest (and most reckless) of souls dared to incur.

Slowly, James pointed an accusing finger at Sirius, his eyes never leaving Lily's face. Sirius merely beamed at the attention.

"Grow up," Lily ordered in disgust, turning on her heal and heading off towards the train.

"You know what?" James commented with a smirk. "I think she likes me."

Sirius bit back his amused reply as his eyes fell on a small eleven-year-old boy entering the platform with his mother. His mother…

James raised an eyebrow at Sirius, waving a hand before the black-haired boy's eyes and wondering why on earth Sirius's mouth had dropped open.

"Sirius…? What in the name of Merlin has gotten into you?"

Slowly, Sirius shook his head to clear it and swatted James's hand away. His brother was here… Regulus Black. Idly, Sirius wondered how much the younger boy had changed while he had been at school, then at James's house.

Regulus caught sight of Sirius and, at first, he seemed about to break into a grin and wave, but he appeared to catch himself and instead gave his older brother a haughty glare that his mother would have been proud of. Miserable old bat that she was.

James had followed Sirius's gaze and gave Sirius a confused glance. "Know him?"

"Let's just go," Sirius decided shortly, giving James a shove towards the train. "We should find Remus and Peter."

Bewildered, James allowed himself to be propelled in the direction of the scarlet train.

Sirius slowly rolled his motorcycle away from the funeral, none to eager to have a run in with his dear mother.

She'd likely find a way to blame me. Sirius shook his head, throwing one leg over the motorbike and starting the engine.

Safely on the road, his thoughts again began to drift. Sirius remembered telling James about his brother on the train ride to Hogwarts, he remembered how he had put on the act that it didn't bother him at all how his brother acted and told James that his brother had, in fact, always been a git worthy of no time of day.

And the more he acted like he hated his brother… the easier it had become. Until he could return his brother's hate as equally as it was given, but deep down… they both knew it was a lie.

Sirius yawned, covering it up with a grin and a wave as a pretty Ravenclaw he had chosen to annoy that year walked past him. She gave him a glare and continued on, leaving an amused Sirius in her wake.

One person annoyed today, several others to go.

It was nearly dinnertime and Sirius had yet to meet his quota for chaos. Not wanting to possibly lose any of his reputation as a harbinger of pandemonium, Sirius headed out of the Great Hall and onto the grounds, casting about for something to do.

At first, he found nothing and was on the brink of deciding that it would be much more productive to track down James and together plot some Slytherin's humiliation, but that was when voices reached his ears…

"Uhh… I… well… I was kind of planning on buying some Famous Witch and Wizards cards…" one small voice squeaked from around the corner.

"But," another voice, this one obviously belonging to an older boy, said. "We're going to Hogsmeade and you can't. Thus we need those Galleons more than you do… got it?"

"But–"

"Just give us the money."

Sirius's eyes narrowed as he recognized the voices. All three of them belonged to Slytherins, but the one in particular belonged to his little brother. They couldn't pick on him like that!

He stormed around the corner, coming face to face with two seventh year Slytherins and Regulus Black. It took only a heartbeat for Sirius to realize that he and Regulus had disowned one another; that they didn't speak at all. They had even stopped making snide comments at one another… he shouldn't be there defending the boy. It wouldn't be welcomed and he shouldn't want to be doing so.

Regulus's face registered, first relief, and then the same insight Sirius had. Neither was willing to put an end to the lies.

Regulus's expression turned venomous and Sirius managed to get a cold smirk on his face before continuing on past them and out of sight.

He didn't look back.

Sirius viciously pounded down the guilt that slowly coiled around his chest. He would not regret what he did. It was Regulus's own fault. His mother's fault. It wasn't Sirius's fault… It couldn't be… it…

It was.

The street that Sirius brought his motorbike to a halt on was desolate, devoid of other vehicles and people.

Balancing on his motorcycle, Sirius gazed ahead, wondering where to go next. He couldn't help feeling now that all of this was his fault entirely. If he had acted a bit differently, been kinder, fought for his brother a little harder… Regulus might still be there.

Sirius laughed wryly as a thought struck him. If he had done things differently, his brother could be on the side against Voldemort…

The laugh died in his throat.

But… he hadn't. Every chance Sirius had gotten, he had kept up the charade that he didn't care. And now, much to Sirius's growing horror, he thought Regulus might just have started to believe the lies as much as he had.

Right before the green light rushed through him and his life was snuffed out, what had Regulus thought? How much had it hurt to know that what he believed in was all a lie? Did the thought that nobody cared for him anymore – not even his own brother – cause him pain? Did he die in utter misery, knowing he wasn't important?

Not important enough to be saved. Another statistic. Just another casualty.

Sirius caught himself staring blankly at the handlebars. How long had he sat here? He wasn't sure…

"Now what do I do…?"

His only brother was dead and Sirius now found that he regretted it more than he could have ever imagined. What was there one could do in such a situation? There was no falling back on family…

Or maybe there was.

It had started to rain. Sirius's hair was a sopping mess as he knocked on the ornate wooden door before him, hugging his jacket closer as another torrential downpour matched his mood and pushed him lower into his depressing thoughts.

What seemed like an eternity passed before the door opened. James stared over his glasses at Sirius in surprise, and stood there momentarily stunned before he managed to get a complete sentence out.

"Sirius? What on earth are you doing out there?"

It was a good question, and for once Sirius knew the right answer. Nothing silly, random, or made-up; he knew the answer.

"I'm here," Sirius took a deep breath, fixing James with a steady stare, "because you're the only close family I have left."

James ushered Sirius inside, and before the door was shut, Sirius glanced back and could see two small boys, sitting on the front doorstep of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place and watching the rain. The older one had his arm around the younger's shoulder and they just sat there, being brothers.

Sirius had the faintest feeling that Regulus might have remembered the same memory before he died.

Jade's Note:

I made myself cry. :is a dork: Hope everyone else enjoyed it, have to love Sirius-angst, ne?

A big thank-you to Catherine for beta-ing!

……… A huge thank-you to Trinity Day for pointing out my horrible mistake. I'm currently blushing badly, but I thank you!