whenever you lose someone close to you no matter how well you prepare yourself for it your never really prepared because it hits you hard, harder then you ever imagined. I mean I wasn't prepared for mama's death in the slightest but the one thing I hate more then anything is the fact I never got to say goodbye. no I was too busy sitting my finals, finals that cost me the chance to say goodbye to the one person I loved most. In the whole wide world.
They say you shouldn't stay angry forever but I can't help but feel angry not because I wasn't there to say goodbye but because I should have been there for her. I should have been. But no, my father thought was best to have me kept in the dark. I didn't want to believe it was mama's choice. It pains me to think that I was going to know about the cancer, the cursed cancer on my birthday of all days to tell me, on my birthday. I sigh with frustration and blink a few times all these thoughts inside my head are going to drive me crazy one of these days, hardly surprising when I'm supposed to be studying but I just can't focus, the lines and the words seem to keep jumping all over the place. I have chosen somewhere out of earshot of the busy wards to do my studying because I thought it would help but having the words jump all over the place then I'm not so sure. I haven't noticed but the door to the room which I've found has been opened and a young male appears, wearing glasses. I'm strongly reminded of Arthur by his appearance, I hope he's not another Arthur because I can and could do without that. "Sorry didn't know someone else was in here " he muttered embarrassed I find myself looking at him, curiously "I came here to study not that I've been able to study much, got a lot of things on my mind" you tell him.
"Anything important?" He asks and I shake my head "not really," I reply and he nods. "I usually come in here to think about stuff, my thinking place" he tells you and you nod "I came to study because here was quiet but my brain has other ideas " you reply. "I haven't seen you around here before I take it you work on Keller?" He asks and you nod completely forgetting that you're still in scrubs. "I haven't seen you before " you admit. "Well you won't have, I work down in the ED" he admits and you nod, "that would explain a lot" you reply. "I'm Ethan and you are?" He asks "Zosia" you reply and he shakes your hand "so Zosia aside from studying what else have you been doing in here?" He asks and you look at him "just thinking, a lot" you reply. Ethan nods "anything important?" He asks. "'My Mama" You reply and Ethan nods "is she okay?" He asks and you shake your head "she died a year ago almost" you admit and a lump forms in your throat "Sorry, I had no idea, but if it makes you feel any better I recently lost my mum too" Ethan tells you and you sigh. "Well at least we have one thing in common eh?" You reply and you can't help but smile a little, because you've never really met someone who's going through the same as you.
"True, there's one thing they never tell you though when your about to lose someone you love that no matter how hard you prepare yourself for the loss, it still hits you hard" Ethan tells you. "I didn't even know my mama was dying" you admit and Ethan looks at you and you look back at him "I'm so sorry to hear that " he tells you and you sigh "there's nothing to be sorry for, I mean it's not like it's going to bring her back is it?" You reply and Ethan looks at you "true, true you see I knew my mum was dying and yet even know I knew it was happening and knew it was going to happen I never really prepared for it, I don't think any of us do" Ethan tells you.
"I just really miss her you know, bits of her are beginning to slip away, her smile, her laugh, the way her hugs felt and it's hard, it's really hard" you tell him. "Zosia your mother will always be alive in your heart. Like mine is in mine, she'll always be looking down on you" Ethan tells you but you sigh "I know all this stuff it's just I never got to say goodbye and I never knew she was dying and I should have been there for her" you tell him. "You know staying angry and being angry isn't going to help you in the long run you need to let it go" Ethan tells you and you just sigh, knowing that he was right you just don't want to admit it. "In all the time that my mother was dying i was the one who was always by her side never my darling brother " Ethan tells you and you raise an eyebrow "that's just terrible I would never have done that to mama " you tell him, the lump still present in your throat. You blink back the tears that are threatening to fall. "Zosia I know it's hard but this anger you've got hidden inside isn't going to help you, you need to let it go I know your angry at yourself for not being there by your mums side but she wouldn't want that for you, she wouldn't want you to be angry with yourself because you weren't there for her " Ethan says and you're unable to find the words to reply back to him. "Maybe your right, maybe " you reply.