A/N: This was the first ER fanfiction I wrote (no power on God's earth will make me post the first piece of tripe I wrote), as I wanted to have a bash at writing angsty Carter (because season 10 was lacking) and Carter/Abby (also lacking). Slightly AU since it was written mid season 10 before I even saw any spoilers (indeed before I'd even been introduced to Kem), so sorry. It received very high praise at erhq. (now gone forever) and I thought I'd archive it here. Ta, Lauren.
Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Hollow Bones and a Shallow Grave.
Chapter 1.
Tired. Was he tired? More like exhausted, he sat out in the ambulance breathing in the cool night air, trying to relax his thoughts, to escape for just a moment into silence.
He had only been on for 4 hours and already he felt as though he was going to collapse, this was his first shift since his son had died and he was ready to hate himself all over again.
It wasn't that he blamed himself for his death or for Kem's behaviour, it was just he knew this routine all too well, the soft sympathetic stares and kind words or better yet the silent denial that hung thick in the air of County General, he hated himself because he was doing it again, playing along with the game, the endless utterances of polite inconsequential words.
"I'm fine. Thankyou for asking."
"It's been hard, thankyou for asking."
"No, I'd just like to be alone. THANKYOU FOR ASKING"
He'd played this game before, he knew the rules, never let anyone get too close, just work and numb the pain, he hated himself because he knew (though he would never admit it consciously) where this game was leading him, and his self disgust was bubbling away in his sub conscious, but he had learned how to repress it, just ignore your conscience, what good will he do you? There is no right or wrong, my son is dead.
Things at home had been hectic, Kem had become so distant, she didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to talk, and she didn't let him know anything. They played the same game at home, but he could always tell when he came home that she had been crying. John didn't know what to do, his comfort would be of little help to her, because he was so mixed up in his own pain that nothing he said or did could make it better. Her grief made him despair, he didn't know how to talk to her, he hadn't known her to be anything but strong and full of life, the thought occurred to him every four minutes that he hadn't known her long enough to understand her and now he doubted he ever would.
Sleeping beside her was like sleeping next to a corpse, for two people who had shared so much to now become total strangers.
He heard the distant wail of ambulance sirens and it woke him from his daze. He was still here.
"John?" Came a soft voice from behind him.
"Yeah," he replied without turning around.
"We've got a multiple trauma coming in 2 minutes. 3 car collision, 6 victims."
His back remained turned and Abby paused a moment, staring the cold angular lines of his back. A back that she knew beneath his scrubs was lined and insulted by ugly scars; ever present reminders of his past.
She continued to stand, unsure of what to do or say, this was the first she'd seen of him for about 2 months.
"John," she urged quietly, "are you alright?"
He turned himself towards her slowly, his eyes were vacant and sunken, a smile crept unfamiliarly onto his face, he looked hollow, empty.
"I'm fine, thankyou for asking." He said as he slouched inside.